Name: Any thing is fine really. Ill go by a nickname or just my account name. Or you can just call me Josh but id honestly prefer Tano to anything else. Nicknames: Tano though Yukie is a newer one iv picked up. Not sure why ? Birthday: 3/11 Pronouns: ether or i don't much care. Gender: BiGender PMs: Ummm i suppose. About Me: Well technically im male though i don't really identify as ether male or female, not completely anyway. I have days in which i feel more male and others i feel more female. Some days its a mix of the two. I dont really let a lot of people know any of this. Its been a personal secret for a great many years ( sense high school when the feelings started to creep up more and more ) but over the last few months iv slowly been coming out about it. So far my direct family and friends are the only people who have any idea but iv yet to fully explain anything to anyone. My wife knows and is supportive and my bests friend really doesn't care ether way mostly due to the fact shes gay herself. Really im just trying to become more open with myself about how i feel before it becomes public knowledge if at all. Beyond that im 26 with 2 kids and i live in the deep south which is part of why im shy away from this sort of thing. Its highly frown upon in the bible belt. Im a nerd and a self taught person ( A bad public education forced me to mostly educate myself ). Im pagan so i hope no body minds my odd ways of swearing or blessing XP i say Gods rather then god. I don't judge anyone for anything really. In fact to get me to judge you'ed need to have on a really good looking avatar or be talking some really ill manner crap evil
That's really it about me. If you want to know anything else i guess you can PM or just quote me some place.
Posted: Wed Jun 10, 2015 8:18 pm
emotion_donotwantPet-F'ing-Peeves stressed Iv always wanted to list all the little things that seem to drive me up a wall ! Guess ill get started.
#1 Two many people talking at once. #2 When some one expect you to do the dish's but refuses to wash their plates off before sticking it in the sink ! #3 Parents who let their kids run around the store like little monsters and instead of getting up and popping their butts they ask then to stop ... Like really your gonna ask your kid to stop screaming, climbing and bothering people ? Id have whooped that a** before the need to ask anyone any damn thing ...
Abigender person is someone who experiences the phenomena of desiring a body with sex traits from two distinct sexes simultaneously. A common misconception is that bigender people always desire male and female sex traits. Bigender people are able to desire sex traits that fall outside of “male” or “female”. The bigender gender orientation is distinct from being genderfluid in that switching between multiple genders is a characteristic exclusive to genderfluid persons, while bigender people share one common characteristic in desiring a body whose sex traits come from two different sexes.
When seeking physical transition, bigender people’s wants and decisions in transitioning can vary greatly from person to person. Bigender people are bigender so long as they desire to have sex traits from two distinct sexes, regardless of the disparity in how many sex traits they desire from each sex.
An important disctinction from genderfluidity is that bigender individuals may exist simultaneously at two distinct gender points (two genders in one body), while genderfluid individuals may shift anywhere on the gender spectrum.
As of the last few months iv taken to doing something iv not done sense high school, Cross dressing. Back before i was married had kids and the chaos of adult life began i was very open with myself about myself. I still hide my quirks and desires from the world because i knew it would cause problems i didn't want to deal with, but if someone asked why i had a dress in my closet i wasn't really ashamed to admit it was mine and that i cross dressed in the safety of my own room. Mostly because anyone going through my cloths at the time had to be a very close friend and more then likely already knew.
As a child i never felt male or female but when puberty hit i found myself torn mentally between being confronted with who i was and what people thought i should have been and the desire to be free in my own body. At one point my family found out and toke my dress. It was at the time the only one i owned. Its taken me nearly 5 years to feel comfortable enough with myself to start again, with support from my wife or course.
Back in high school i had a very different mind set. I felt entirely female mentally trapped in a male body. In some ways i still do though now its sort of balanced out. Iv grown attached to my body and secure in how i look but not in how i feel in it. Mostly in the day around the people iv been forced to represent myself as male i feel male but when left along or in the company of those i trust explicitly Im female. Its an odd thing to describe because there no transition between when i feel male and when i feel female. It just happens.
Im trying to force myself into doing things that even back in high school i wouldn't do. Iv spent the last 3 days in a dress getting use to them again. Before that it was something id only wear to bed or just around the house while my wife was at work. Even around her i still feel a little uncomfortable even though i know shes doesn't care and support me. Her soppurt is whats got me to even post then now.
The last few day's have been kind of ... well shitty. Im not getting enough sleep, i can't pass out until after 4AM every night. Nothing i do works. Iv tried medication and natural sleep aids. Iv ran a mile before bed and gotten a warm bath. Meditation which is normally a cure all doesn't even work. Im getting groggy during the day and when i finally do pass out im only out for a few hours 4 to 6 tops. Along with the lack of sleep i can feel my old depression coming back. My wife's mood has also gotten worse but for other reasons. Tonight i caught myself on the verge of tears and can't figure out why.
Our roommates moving out soon-ish and without her we fear we can't tend to the bills which puts even more stress on my wife because i dont and can't work. But without a second income we're sort of left to fend for our selves. We've been homeless before but never with the kids. Thats our biggest fear at this point.
It doesn't help iv no friends to go see or who come see me really so most of my time is spent right here on gaia ether playing games, chatting or role-playing something. Iv hardly even gotten off line in the last 3 months because of this trend ... I need new friends but this town sucks so bad ... and all my good friends are moving away. Im starting to feel abandoned ...
Posted: Wed Jun 24, 2015 6:39 am
6/24/2015
A Heart Incased In Ice's
Well sis its been four years sense you vanished without ever saying good bye. At first i thought maybe you were just sick but after a month i knew something was wrong. Iv always questioned were you went and what happened to you. Always hoping you'ed return but you never did and iv come to terms that you never will.
I miss you so much and wish you the best in everything you do.
If today could end already that be great ... yeah.
Today's been utter crap. My lower backs hurting and has been for 3 days straight. Can't even bend over anymore its gotten so bad. Best i can do is ether sit straight up or lay down. On top of that my kids thought it be funny to jump on daddy to wake him up ... Yeah iv been poping pills all day.
On top of that is my utter lack of sleep over the last 2 months has made normal life near impossible. Im up all day and if im lucky asleep half the day and i can't help it. Nothing works to help me get to sleep. So as it is im working off 4 to 5 hours of sleep a night plus what ever i can catch during the days that the wife and roommate are awake. They work nights so thats not made this any easier.
Last but not least is my emotional BS over my adopted sister. After i saw the notice this morning that it was her birthday i just sort of broke mentally. Been in a bad mood ever sense.
Posted: Fri Jun 26, 2015 7:01 pm
6/26/2015
Tday was my god daughters birthday. She turned 4. Id passed out on the couch so i missed a lot of the prep work but i woke up mid party gonk Everyone had already gathered in the kitchen which is in perfect view of the living room couch were i slept. Im honestly shocked because the whole time i was in a skirt without a blanket to cover up so total strangers pretty much saw me crying BUT no one said anything.eek
Im not use to total strangers not having questions about why im cross dressing. BUT i guess today if any other day would be the best day to come out and be a little more open about myself. Marriage equality for the win ! Its great to know now my best friends can finally do what they've been fighting for for so long !
Please don't comment on this post. Pm me if you most.
This is so bad i dont even want to read this by passing so im puting it in white text in a spoiler ....
June 26. The day of pride. The day a lot of LGBT and supportive people gather to celebrate and just have a good time. Yesterday equal marriage rights was passed into law which is something iv always wanted to see happen in my life time and for it to happen the day before pride only made the event so much sweeter.
However today couldn't have been any worse or anymore embarrassing. Because it was pride and i wouldn't have seemed any different to anyone else i wore my dress. It was the biggest step forward for me because i knew id have friends there who yet didn't know i cross dressed but it really wouldn't have seemed out of place. BUT we never made it to pride.
The day before our car had a problem and wouldn't start up. Today we thought we had fixed the problem so along the way we stopped to get something to eat. I wasn't told of this pit stop first off or I'd have worn shorts under my skirt so i could take it off if i felt i needed to but before i even got to the restaurant the kids ruined them leaving me with nothing but my skirt.
Biting the bullet and going in anyway im met with a few ugly looks which honestly didn't bother me considering my skirt was the least of our little groups weirdness. So i ignore them. After the meal however as we go to leave we find out the car wont start up again. So now we have 4 adults and 4 kids all stuck at burger king. Unable to jump the car the others opt to take the two oldest home first because the other car doesn't have AC, three of the windows don't work and the cars already been sat in the hot sun for 2 hours and they felt it was best to leave me with the two youngest in the AC store.
From there my bad only got worse. Ugly looks and comments made me turn my music on to help drown them all out. BUT the youngest of the two boys i had with me began to cry. I give him a bottle, diaper change and tried to hold him but nothing works, so i figured he just wanted his mother. Unable to do anything further i set him in front of me in his car seat. 5 minutes in some guy comes up to me complaining im not acting like a father. I nearly got up and straggled him for that alone. The rest ill avoid putting towards because if i ever do reread this id rather not remember what he said word for word ...
An hour later my friend comes and gets use to go home. Come to find out she and my wife got into an argument. I get home to a now VERY unhappy household having already felt out of my element to the extreme and now iv got to deal with this to another few hours later and no progress beyond more yelling and fighting.At some point i passed out on the couch and woke up during a pretty bad storm.
All in all i just want to sit down in a nice dark cold room and cry myself to sleep ... I can't even put my dress back on now ...
Posted: Sat Jul 04, 2015 2:46 pm
7/4/2015
So iv been on a personal three day vacation to get out of the house for a few days because iv been home bond for like the last 3 months. I got to go over some friends house to play magic the gathering and just be nerds. Two already knew i cross dress but the other two didn't. Now that know. I was sort of shocked to find out one of the two didn't care with as much talk as iv heard about his dislike of stuff like that. Turns out it was drama starting rumors to pit friends against one another by a third party. With them knowing this brings it up to 7 people that now now.
I stayed in my dress the whole time i was over their and even got teased for it but in playful sort of way. Among my friends the two who already knew are very open minded and have never judged me for anything. So they were among the first to even find out.
I have one other friend i want to tell but she can have a very high strung Christian mind set from like the 1950's lol BUT shes also very open minded at times so she might not care at all. I want her to know so that if she does have a problem with it i know not to do it around her. Shes a very old friend of mine whos always their for others. Among everyone i know she's probably the last i want to know and everyone else can find out on their own one way or another.
You ever had a day you wished you could hit the reset button on, turn the power off - on and start back at the last save ? Yeah yesterday was that sort of day. So ill start from the beginning.
My wife's birthday is on the 9th. ( Yeah tomorrow ) but im broke and no one ever lends my money or lets me work for it so it was pointless to do anything but make her a cake and wish her a happy birthday. Then again she'll be 23 grow the ******** up. No one does s**t for mien. BUT she apparently wanted me to do better then that SO rather then actually be direct with me she hinted .... Well sorry iv got a male brain sometimes and hinting at s**t isn't the correct way to ask for JACK ******** s**t !
She said she wanted to me "get her something" but what she really meant was that she wanted me to "make her something". So when i failed for the 8th time to get the play on words she threw her phone at me of which i throw back. Ether one of us could have broken it but i got the blame none the less. Unable to deal with her drama and in dire need to go calm down i left the house. WHEN I RETURNED
She'd smashed my computer screen, ruined childhood dolls with paint i can't get out, Got said paint on a gargoyle statue and an incent burner both of which where ruined. got it on a posted my computers key board and generally every place else. BUT what sent me over the edge was that she destroyed the first year anniversary gift i got for her and the painting id done for mothers day this year.
Now what sent me into an almost rage was the fact that rather then acknowledge that those came from my heart and understand that to me they were irreplaceable representations of my love for her she said SHE could just got new ones ... Yeah seems my love is pretty ******** disposable then.
AND now because im pissed at the world and want nothing to do with her or anyone else until iv calmed down she going to ******** twist and b***h fit me into "playing nice" for her birthday tomorrow. Pretty much she wants me to smile and "be happy" the whole day so she can have a nice day .... Yeah seems to me her happiness it more important then that fact shes pretty much ruined the trust nd love id built into this marriage.
Iv honestly considered divorce the last few hours because shes already threatened me with it 3 times sense this whole BS started. Might give her a real shocker and go file and see what she reacts to that.
Iv spent the last 4 years of my life fostering a family with her after being pushed into the marriage i never wanted from the start, never complaining or pushing for what i wanted in life. Allowed my self to become a father and while i love my kids beyond words i can't love someone who's going to treat me this way simply because i couldn't catch a hint ...
Posted: Thu Jul 23, 2015 5:08 pm
7/23/2015
So sense my last post a LOT has happened. No divorce, a lot of what i wrote before i wrote out of anger and spite. Its been worked out for the most part though its still a spot of my marriage i can't ignore and everyone knows as much.
Turns out shes been hormonal because shes pregnant again .... just what i need any kid ... So now iv no choise but to begun looking for a job even though i can't stay for an hour to wash dish's without being in pain but there's not much else i can do now ...
My oldest started into head start yesterday. That's pretty much pre-K. Shes getting so big now. Its hard to believe its been 3 years already.
In other knew's iv been doing research into a few things i think might help tame my desires physically. Iv come to the conclusion im not quite happy with my body as it is so im working out daily and trying to lose a little weight before i figure out if im wanting to alter my body or not. Im pretty sure i know what i want to change but there are so many different ways i could go about it its a little daunting. I know for sure though it wont involve surgery ... ever.
