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 Posted: Wed May 27, 2015 5:15 pm
He wasn't in his room. Or rather, no one answered. Otto meandered down the halls, worry setting in quickly. Was Rep okay? Why did he even care? For one reason or another, he did care what happened to the oversized baby. Somewhere under all that red hair and bad morals, there was a decent person. At least, he'd been good to Otto in the bad times. Otto found himself in the common room, idly biting his nails as he thought of every bad thing that might befall the older man. That's when he saw him there. "Rep. The ******** is up with you?" Otto grumbled aloud, mostly out of relief that he'd found him. "Like.. what's goin' on?"
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Posted: Wed May 27, 2015 5:23 pm
Rep felt like absolute s**t, the withdrawal was like a minor flu but it wasn't the physical s**t that nailed him. He wasn't into the stuff that sunk its talons into your body, that was for ******** stupid cunts, cunts who couldn't stop and ended up addicts. He wasn't an addict. He was just a casual b*****d who liked a bit of R and R. This was a hangover. Probably from all the booze he'd drank. That booze was a terrible thing. Terrible.
He needed to get back to the satisfaction of the previous night. It had been just right. Goldilocks zone. Perfect. But now here he was in hell again surrounded by smiley happy people. People who used terms like "baby girl" with a straight face, with a STRAIGHT FACE.
Nerves. The nerves were the worst part. His mind felt wrong, he felt wrong, he was too slow and ponderous, stupid. They'd see.
He was pacing and didn't notice Otto at first but quickly stopped dead. He was draped in a ridiculous blanket with a tacky picture of a wolf on it.
"I told you no to show up." he said slowly, carefully, pointing at the other man. "I'm fine. I'm... I'm really fine. And no in that positive way I'm ok. I'm hanging out here. Hanging out trying to find out who my friends are, who will HELP me."
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Posted: Wed May 27, 2015 5:34 pm
Otto frowned deeply. "You sayin' I ain't yer friend cuz I won't get you some damned drugs?" He growled back, his lip curling. "That ain't ********' fair." He wanted to find out why Rep would take stuff like that to begin with. Whatever that reason was, maybe if he addressed it, it would help Rep out. He wished it would. He wanted to do some good. Any good, without betraying his own morals and integrity.
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Posted: Thu May 28, 2015 2:22 am
Was that what he was saying? Maybe it was. Maybe people weren't his friends when they'd let him suffer like this, when they knew he'd have to ******** endure the smiling perky saccharine hollowness without any kind of shield between him and it. He'd tried just being happy without the capacity running in his veins to endure it and it had almost destroyed him. He'd almost wanted to sic the beast under the mall on all everyone, go out in a blaze of glory, but he'd resisted mainly because of Harrison, because of that ******** smile and the unshakable faith that he wasn't a good person but just a person, just a being worthy of existing, who had flaws but also good things about him even if those positives were small. He had faith in nothing but that.
"I didn't think you would." Rep said. "You've got your own problems, why would you indulge me in mine? They wouldn't sell to you anyway probably, you still look like a primary punter, like a wee boy."
He restlessly flopped down on one of the chairs before he was back up again, gesticulating with his hands. "I can't ********. I can't. I just. I forgot how ******** GREAT it felt, to like.. be there, be part of it, be immersed in the world. " Otto got a wild-eyed look. "You like. You feel like everyone. Everyone in the whole world loves you and its safe to love them back." The only downside was the paranoia on the comedown, but he was always paranoid, ******** he was paranoid now and it felt like normal. He didn't have any friends, he ******** knew that, even Jordan wouldn't touch his ******** crazy.
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Posted: Thu May 28, 2015 5:05 am
Otto let the wee boy talk roll off his shoulders for now. He was fairly confident he looked older than a kid by now. Rep was just being spiteful. As usual. He watched the man pace, and sit, and pace and fidget. His worry grew as Rep seemed more and more unhinged. To Otto, it seemed out of nowhere. "I don't really get what yer sayin'." He murmured, brows furrowed in confusion. Maybe Otto was too far away from what Rep was feeling to help, but he couldn't just walk away. He had to try. "Um.. aside from the drug thing... is there anythin' else buggin' you?" He tilted his head, "Cause like.. you seem a lot more weird than normal. Did somethin' happen?"
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Posted: Thu May 28, 2015 7:41 am
"Of course you don't." Rep said grimly, giving Otto a harsh cold sort of look that hurriedly seemed to soften. "But you want to. Or pretend you do. That's more than most people." He just wanted to go back to how he'd felt. Like that he could be jokey and friendly with Otto, he wouldn't be like ...whatever the ******** this was. He clenched and unclenched his hands and felt slow and too numb, too cold and bitter and sad.
"What's normal?" he said. "What even is ******** normal here of all places?"
He shook his head. "Nothing happened. I should be happy, ******** la dee ******** dah levels of ******** cheerful. Happy Rep and his ******** perfect life. But it's no how it is. You can't fix it, I can't fix it. I'm ******** up here." he pressed a finger to his temple hard enough to leave a red mark in the shape of a nail before he started pacing again. "The white could help. It'd help real ******** good. I could be positive again but FEEL it. Be honest, no be lying. I could be invincible, why am I no ******** invincible."
Again the paranoid, cold stare flicked back to Otto. "What do you care anyway? I've never done anything for you. I've only ever been a d**k, your life is worse than mine right? You have problems, plenty of problems, why get...why get caught up in mine?" He held the phone to his chest. "Someone's going to help me." he shot a look in the direction of the cameras and narrowed his eyes. "Help me sort my head out. Someone not afraid."
Otto found himself again subject to a wild, hungry sort of stare and Rep took a step forward, moving closer and into Otto's personal space bubble. "How would you help me? You won't invest. I'm just a someone. I'm a someone and a nothing, someone to feel good about but you wouldn't risk your life for me, you wouldn't do anything for me. What would you do for me?"
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Posted: Thu May 28, 2015 1:49 pm
He did want to understand. Why? Who knew. maybe he really did just want to feel like he was a good person, even if he didn't believe it for a second. Rep wasn't some stranger. He knew Rep, to some small degree. Still, why he cared so much that the man was completely unhinged was a mystery. "I ain't no expert on normal neither.." He himself was abnormal, so really, why had he dared to tell Rep he'd ever been normal? "I guess I just mean you ain't your usual self.." "Coke won't fix you just like booze never helps me. It's just a bandaid that don't even do nuthin'. Worse than a bandaid, cause it hurts you." Like now. Rep would have to deal with these 'downs' every time the drug wore off. Couldn't he see it? But Otto was no expert on this subject. Not at all. He knew nothing of it. "You been a d**k, sure.. but when Nevada died? You were there. Not just to get me some alcohol to numb the pain. You were helpful." He'd said nice things. He'd sat with him for the night and talked. "If I suddenly got weird and tried coverin' my pain with somethin' that'd wreck me.. I'd like to think you'd try to talk me down too." But maybe he was wrong. Someone was coming to help? Oh no.. did someone actually heed Rep's call for drugs? What idiot would do that? "Maybe I can't do anythin' helpful." He responded bravely, even if Rep's mean words were stinging. "But walkin' away sounds like a cowardly thing to do." He'd likely run away later, when things got too hard. He always ran. "Maybe you're just afraid of livin' without the high. Isn't that kinda weak?"
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Posted: Thu May 28, 2015 2:49 pm
"Yeah well my usual self isn't someone I ******** like being. And don't give me that it hurts you stuff. I ******** get hurt for a living, should I stop doing missions because they hurt me? We are always hurt always."
He didn't know what he'd do if Otto started doing things to fix himself. He'd stop him if it was something truly terrible. Like smack. But small potatoes? What place did he had intervening in that? None. It was just coping. "I don't know man. I'd play it by ear, if it was just harmless s**t, I'd let you. If it was really dangerous maybe. This isn't dangerous. I'm no a ******** addict."
Rep snorted irritably. "Is it weak to never be able to ******** function without something lifting you up? Isn't that why people take medicine? This is like medicine, it makes me normal and ******** happy, why is that a bad thing? Just cause you are normally ******** well adjusted and chasing fanny off with a big ******** stick, we can't all be like that."
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Posted: Thu May 28, 2015 2:58 pm
It was easy to believe Rep and the excuses he made for himself. Because Otto truly knew nothing about the drug Rep was taking. Nothing at all. No basis for comparison. Otto wasn't street smart. He'd lived in a small town, sheltered by his home schooled lifestyle; even if it had been abusive and suffocating. "I don't want you to feel hurt or nuthin'..." He mumbled uncertainly, his gaze dropping to the floor. It just seemed wrong. Surely it was wrong to rely on drugs. But was it really just medicine like Rep said? Otto's lip curled. "Well adjusted? What part of me looks well adjusted?" And he didn't have people swarming to get him in bed. Was that how people saw him? Some Casanova that had his choice of any suitor at any time? That made him sick to think about. He'd always thought himself to be pond scum that got lucky now and then. He still did. "Are you really happy?" He asked, "When you take that stuff...? Cause you don't seem happy at all right now. Don't that mean you gotta rely on it day in and out? Ain't that bad?" Was Rep in so much misery he'd rely on a pricy and dangerous method of pain reliever to get by? "Maybe it's just me.. but if bein' happy and normal meant I'd have to love off a powder my whole life.. I'd rather die." And most days, he really did want to die.
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Posted: Thu May 28, 2015 3:10 pm
"You are plenty ******** well adjusted, you are hot as ********, you are young and likeable and you have so many people who want to be your friend. You are ******** popular and even when you say s**t that's no nice people don't think you'll haul off and KILL them. They want to ******** you and keep you and your sweet room." He couldn't imagine Otto having problems, not really, how could he have problems when he was all the good things Rep saw he was?
"I'm no a good person to take sides with anyway, it ******** over Jordan, it'll ******** over you too."
"And I can't ******** die." Rep snarled, and suddenly the paranoia was worse than it had ever been. Was Otto seriously trying to get him to kill himself? Was that the ******** plan? Was he just doing what his precious cousins told him? Peyton probably put him up to it, he was sure. It was all just a ******** scheme and he'd trusted him, trusted him more than most people.
He was pacing again and this time there was tense hostility in his posture. "Is that what you want? Would you rather I just ******** died than did anything about the s**t that bothers me? This is the only thing there is. This WORKS. I can't die. Ace would die and I'm too ******** CHICKENSHIT to do it. This is my option and the only one I have."
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Posted: Thu May 28, 2015 3:19 pm
Okay. Truth be told, Otto really liked hearing someone say he was hot. It was few and far between to hear it. To hear he was loved, wanted. Really, those things ought to be enough to be grateful. But he wasn't. And he felt guilty for it. So there he stood, feeling desired, attractive and also like pond scum. Attractive, smelly pond scum. "I'm not here to win any favours or nuthin'. I was worried is all." And now more so. "What? No, I don't want you to die.." Otto grimaced, watching the man pace around. Was this just the withdrawals? Or did Rep truly need this thing to keep going? Now he was getting upset. His grimace burned hard into his features as if it was sculpted in marble. "I just didn't want you to hurt yourself. I thought maybe you were in trouble. That's all. I thought maybe being here, I could help." He was an idiot. He couldn't help anyone. "But if all that'll help you is that stuff you wanted, then I really am useless to you."
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Posted: Thu May 28, 2015 3:28 pm
"Was that all it was?" Rep said with a scowl. "You are pretty ******** buddy-buddy with people who hate me, you sure they didn't put you up to this? It'd be quite the ******** trophy, to be the guy who ******** brought down Rep once and for ******** all." He rubbed his face, aware this wasn't entirely rational, that he wasn't thinking straight, but able to think about only one thing to fix it.
He turned his attention back on Otto. "You could have helped me." he said with a grin with too much bared teeth. "If I wasn't in a relationship, if you weren't ******** straight. You could take my mind off all this. But right now like, the only thing that's going to sort me out is more. And I know, you are trying, I appreciate that you'd even ******** try such a hopeless thing. I'm a waste of your time man, a ******** waste of everyone's time and its my duty to make dealing with me as ...as pleasant as I can ******** make it. I want to be human and not whatever the ******** I am."
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Posted: Thu May 28, 2015 3:38 pm
"Why would I try and take you down cause of some assholes on Twitter?" Otto rose a brow, "Pretty sure I was of the unpopular opinion that your fake positivity campaign needed to be brought down." And it was one of few. Very few. So many others thought encouraging Rep in that endeavour was healthy and good. What morons. They didn't see the pain behind every message. Rep went on about one of the options off the table for helping him, and it made his jaw lock uncomfortable. Oh God, he was talking about sex wasn't he? And it reminded him that almost everyone he knew still thought he was straight. Was it best to let them keep thinking that? Or was it a cover of lies? Saying he wasn't straight wouldn't help the situation. He wasn't about to offer himself to Rep. For one thing, he'd probably feel like the worst sort of scum for doing it. For another, as Rep mentioned, the man was married. If Rep needed a pick me up, he ought to look to his own husband and not some blonde tramp pretending to be normal and adjusted. "I'm sorry you're unhappy." He relented with shoulders slumping. He wished drugs wasn't the only way to make the man feel better. It just seemed wrong. Seemed pathetic and hopeless. "And I'm sorry I can't help." He couldn't even solve his own problems. What good could he do for Rep? Maybe that was it. Maybe he wanted to solve someone else's problems to make himself feel better. That made him sad. Very sad. Because his own situation was hopeless. A woman wanted the key in his hand, an object he was scared was dangerous and powerful; but was also sucking his life away. His other arm was stamped with Death's calling card too. Really, he was doomed. ********. He was scared. "I gotta go."
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Posted: Thu May 28, 2015 3:55 pm
"I don't ******** know, maybe you are just as scheming as everyone else? Maybe the pleasantness is just a ******** front. Maybe its all just a get close to rep and ******** him over thing." And the worst part was it seemed reasonable, it'd explain why Otto kept trying long after he should have given up, long after he should have learned his lesson and given up on Rep entirely.
He sighed heavily as the other man decided he should go, a pang of desperation making his demeanour soften.
"Maybe you aren't though. I just... I just don't know what to do any more. My options are getting ******** narrower and narrower."
He clenched his hands again and looked as if there was more he wanted to say but couldn't even figure out where to begin.
"You should probably go. But thanks. Thanks for like...just.."
He trailed off again and started pacing, maybe he'd be acceptable again once Kostya got back, maybe he could apologise properly. Maybe he could explain.
"For. Trying."
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Posted: Thu May 28, 2015 3:58 pm
Otto nodded grimly. "I'll always try." He promised, feeling defeated and useless. He stepped back a pace or two, away from Rep and his pacing. Maybe if Otto was stronger. Maybe if he didn't have so many of his own problems. Maybe then he could help. "And for the record.. I like you fine as you are. Negative or not." He finally peeled himself away.
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