Welcome to Gaia! ::

It can definitely be scary to come out to people, especially family members. But as scary as it is, I think continuing to hide it and/or lie about it is usually worse. Having to second-guess everything you do or say, constantly worrying about covering your tracks, having to always be putting on a performance around those closest to you...it's miserable, and most of the time, I think keeping up that facade is actually more miserable than dealing with people reacting badly to the news that you're gay. When you're hiding it, there's always this sense of impending doom about what will happen when you either finally do choose to come out, or when you finally screw up and people find out about it (whichever comes first). At least once you come out, you no longer have to live in fear of the unknown. Even if people don't handle it well at first, it's usually still pretty liberating just to know you don't have to live in fear of that moment anymore, and that you and your loved ones are dealing with the truth. And most of the time, even if people aren't thrilled about it at first, they'll get over it eventually. These are people who love you and care about you, and learning that you're gay probably isn't going to change any of that.

I come from a very religious, socially conservative family, and to say that my parents (especially my mother) were displeased to find out I was gay would be the understatement of the century. My mother was devastated, and for a while she wanted nothing to do with me, but you know what? She got over it. It took some time and effort on both our parts, but at the end of the day, I'm still her baby and she still wants to see me happy, and even if she may not totally approve of some of the things that make me happy, she was ultimately able to move past that.

My point is, the way my parents reacted was pretty much a worst case scenario, and I was still infinitely happier after telling them the truth, and I still came out of the experience with a loving, supportive family. I don't know anything about your family, but I don't think I've ever known anyone who regretted coming out to their family. Even in cases where it doesn't go well, most people will tell you that dealing with the truth almost always feels better than continuing to hide in the shadows. smile

My family is conservative and Catholic, and my partner and I go to visit them every year for Christmas. xd

Of course, every family is different, but I guess my point is, you might be surprised at what your family is willing to accept (or at least look past) in order to have a relationship with you.

It sounds like you're the most worried about your extended family on your mum's side. Are you very close with them, and/or do you see them often? I never had an especially close relationship with any family members outside of my parents and my siblings; grandparents, second cousins, etc. were mostly people I talked to on the telephone on Christmas, and maybe my birthday, and that's about it. I only met them in person a few times, so they were sort of a non-issue for me when I came out. My point is, it's okay if you want to tell some family members and not others, or if you want to tell one side of the family before another. So long as you're confident the people you do tell will respect that, and they won't go and tell the rest of the family behind your back, I think that's fine.

Are your parents still married? If not, then I think telling Mum and Dad separately is fine. If they are still married (and living together and such), that might make it a little more complicated to tell them separately.

Ultimately, you know your family best, and you're also the one who has to live with them, so all this has to be your choice. I usually lean towards encouraging people to come out sooner rather than later, because I think the "heterosexual facade" tends to get more complicated and involved the longer it goes on, but of course ultimately, it has to be your call. Just don't let it get to the point of getting a girlfriend or, God forbid, marrying some poor girl just to please your family, because that would be incredibly unfair to the girl (and you).

Are you still living at home? If so, and if you think that coming out might potentially get you kicked out and stuck with no place to live, then just practically speaking, it'd probably be better to wait until you have a place of your own. Or, at the very least, wait until you've lined up a place to stay with a friend or something, just in case things don't go well.

Some parents will surprise you. Your mother, I highly doubt. Don't get me wrong, but I would have to say that after you come out to your dad, get his opinion on coming out to anyone else in the family. Dads often can point you away from danger, especially when it is family related.

You are not alone on that topic. My dad spent two months refusing to even look at me.

My mum refused to speak to me for four years, and she told many of her friends that I'd died in an auto wreck (when I was really just away at university). She's always been a bit of a drama queen.

i don't think it was so much she was thinking religiously, it was more like she was asking "how do you know" or "why? you've never even had sex with a woman before"
it's all unsettling for me and prolly never should have come out to her in the first place...

I hope so.