She couldn't remember how to be a normal person any more, that much had become increasingly clear. It hadn't been such a problem before, back when it had started, but then everyone had been 'not normal' to different degrees.
Sitting in the metal chair outside the coffee house, Orah picked idly at the corner of her text book and pretended to study while she was watched the people passing by instead. The sun felt warm on her bare, tanned shoulders and she soaked it in gratefully, leaving her soft, dark grey sweater draped over the back of her seat. There was a burst of girlish giggling and it drew her dark eyes to the pair of girls walking by, arm in arm. The blonde said something to her friend, but she couldn't quite make it out and more giggling followed.
She'd been able to do that, once. Back before she'd met the talking cat and received a magical pen. She'd even still been able to do it for a good while afterwards. Everything had felt firmly separated by the magical line of transformation, one side Orah the civilian and the other Ida the senshi. The blurring had happened slowly... hiding injuries from her family, lying about where she was and what she was doing. Social activities, minding the store, fell off as she filled her spare time with senshi things. Then, Alois, and two lives crashing together to become a confused jumble. She'd given up on being any sort of 'normal' person then, and sealed it in an oath that set glowing lines into her skin. She was Ida, and Orah was... just the name she wore when she wasn't powered up. She'd moved in with Arian to avoid the complications of her family, and the divide between who she had been and who she was becoming had widened.
Orah shifted as she sat, crossing her booted ankles and tucking them under her chair. Her fingers turned the page, but as soon as it was done, she couldn't remember what had been on the previous one.
Then... the great fall and the Negaverse take over. She still remembered it, even if it wasn't real. Her mind still believed that reality. Leaving the city to avoid required energy donations that would have given her away for what she was. Starting the Hospital because Order needed one and she knew just enough medical care to be somewhat useful. She'd let it consume her eagerly, for the excuse it gave her not to fight any more, not to test her resolve not to kill or make decisions that would lead to an enemy's death. So she didn't have to watch people die... though there was really no escaping that. So many people had died... everyone, in the end. In the end, everything had been gone, everything and everyone she had ever cared about.
And she marveled that she wondered why it was such a struggle, now. Suddenly five years of her life erased and the woman used to a hectic life of service and usefulness was shoved into a life where the only requirement she had was to show up to class on time... and even if she didn't, no one really cared. There was no daily life or death struggle, no endless lists and hands reaching out for help. It had been months since then, but the effect of it lingered still. She wasn't that person any more... there was no need for Ida the Nurse. Ida who ran the Hospital. For all she knew... there might never be a need for her. But... what was she supposed to do now then?
Sure, continuing her education was important, but it didn't fill her life the way the Hospital had. Even adding in senshi duty didn't fill every crack and crevice, and increasingly, she almost resented what it did fill. What good was she doing, really? Yes, every person saved was one more that went home at night. Every youma dusted was handfuls of people unmolested. It didn't stop anything, didn't bring the war any closer to ending. All it was was constant struggle, endless fighting. Before, she hadn't cared, but now?
She felt like a hollow shell of a girl... going through the motions like a mechanical doll. She couldn't stop, that much was a surety. Her sense of duty was too strong. But what about... everything else? All the empty places she'd carved out of herself to make room for the things Ida the Princess had needed? They ached around the edges... the framework felt brittle and weak.
I want... something. I don't know. I need something to fill the empty parts. I want to be... normal again. I want to find enjoyment in doing the things normal people do. The how of it was the part that escaped her. How did you go back to the things you had found useless and cast aside? How did you find worth in them again?
Orah's thumb rubbed against her forefinger, drawing out a small note of pain from the quickly healing rawness. Archery was a very small step in the right direction... maybe. It was something to do, something to work for, that wasn't school or friends or senshi work. It wasn't even terribly useful, as it might be in a distant future. It was something to do purely for the enjoyment of it, which felt like, just maybe, a good start.
Maybe I should call my friends more. Spend more time at home. I think Arian would like to see me more, and I've barely gotten to know Liam in the whole time he's been living in our apartment. I haven't spoke with Björn or Anella or Nathan in... years, maybe. And Laney... But she shied away from that thought, feeling something in her chest squeeze. Laney had... so much going on right now. She wasn't sure she'd even want to just... hang out. Be together.
I should see more people though. I spend so much time alone. I miss just being with people I care about. Maybe that would make things hurt less... make her feel less empty. It was worth a try, at least.
And who knew... Like finding an old photo in a box of keepsakes, maybe she'd find Orah again amid all the scattered pieces of the life she'd left behind. Orah the Girl, who like flowers and sweets and loved people...
Word Count: 1077
