Welcome to Gaia! ::

Came the curt reply. Rep was indeed in the cafeteria, staring grimly at a plate of salad he was trying to eat - because the self-torment was spreading to encompass all areas of his life - and occasionally taking breaks to talk on twitter. It was awful, absolutely ******** awful, and every single word left him screaming into his own mind. Every single person who agreed with the vapid s**t he said was like pins being driven into his skull.

He ate a lettuce leaf and smiled, but his eyes were steely and grim.

Otto got a long slow look and a big smile.

"Nothing is with me other than my love of humanity and everything in general. I'm trying to improve myself and be a more tolerable citizen of this island." It was all said with a brightness that was terrifying on Rep, edged with a bit of campness he couldn't help in the tone. He had evidently also equated dialling back his accent into faux standard English with pleasantness and was speaking a hell of a lot clearer than usual.

"What exactly do you mean you aren't buying it and can I help sell it to you somehow?"

"I think I just hit rock bottom, but it gave me perspective and now I'm looking at the stars and aspiring to something better." It was strange to look at, even though he was seated and behaving in all the mechanical ways which implied relaxation there was a tension in all his muscles that seemed entirely out of place. The fork he was using had a discernible indent in it where his thumb met the metal.

"Something was the matter, but now I am doing my best to be a better person all around, to be happy and positive and nice."

It was also apparent Rep had not a ******** clue what a natural smile should look like, his smile had far too good a view of his pronounced canines and too much of that same tension that was written in every part of his body.

"It's nothing forced, it's not something I ate or something that happened, I am still fit enough to go on missions and s**t. I just got back from one this morning even, if I wasn't fit I wouldn't be able to work. I am fine. This was my own decision, one I had to make ultimately."

He took a deep breath at the comment on looking like he was going to pop a vein and exhaled slowly and gently, trying to take some of the tension out of his body. It worked, at least temporarily. "Sorry, I have a lot of old bad habits, does this look better?" Smiling this much made his face hurt. It gave him a new respect for his mother who was able to ******** smile all the ******** time.

Now this stung more than the people agreeing with the empty lip-service he was paying on twitter, seeing Otto angry and potentially hurt over this whole thing cut deep, as it had done when Jordan had attempted the same thing. There was an inclination to stop it, to react the way the old him would to the situation, but that came with the idea of having to explain what was wrong with him and dealing with feeling like an idiot.

So he didn't. This was just outrunning a hangover the same way it had been with the alcohol, he couldn't stop or he'd have to deal with all the s**t he was holding back.

"I'm not trying to fool you Otto, I'm sorry. But this is me, this is what and who I am really. I am just expressing it in a way that people find more tolerable, and they do. Look at all the nice things that have been said to me lately, when does that ever happen?" he leaned on his elbow and crunched on a crouton. "This is what growing up means."

He felt really, really sick.

"It doesn't matter why they are happy, just that they are. Even if its because they won or whatever it is great regardless, they have a right to be pleased because they succeeded in making me a better person no matter what their reasons for it are." He nodded as if in agreement with this point with himself and took a sip of water before going on.

"And I think maybe a lot of my friends were always fake, they liked me because I was strong and they didn't want to be on my bad side, better a false friend than a dangerous enemy." He did give the other man a look, a slightly exasperated one that seemed like it should have been accompanied by the words Oh Otto, but was not. "But what "assholes" - and I object to that phrasing - think about me has always mattered. If it didn't I would have always been well adjusted."

"Generally, the number of people who did not mind how I acted were a frankly tiny amount and all it ever brought them was alienation by their peers for giving it."

It hurt and that was what he'd wanted, what he deserved. He liked Otto, he liked Otto a lot, but even his friends got hurt by him time and time again, coming back for whatever inexplicable reason they did. He'd be better off, it had been pretty selfish of him to even hope to keep the other man around anyway.

"Okay." he said as Otto left, with a bright smile that he didn't feel at all. "Take care of yourself, I don't like seeing you get hurt."

And then he went back to his salad.