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Posted: Sat Apr 04, 2015 1:29 am
He didn't need a girlfriend. He simply loved the idea of one. To hear her say she was his own, and to say he had one in turn. To wake up and feel the soft plush of a girl's body laying next to him. To have her comfort, her warmth, her love.
He reminded himself of this as he woke up in an empty bed, with no one there to hold close to him after a night of bad dreams. This was not loneliness, he said to himself. It was an adjustment from the bodies he'd used to keep warm. The love of caring women he'd used, and only now realized he'd done as such. To miss them was a punishment for his selfish needs and wants. He would grow past this, and be a better person for it. One day, he would wake up and b proud of himself.
Otto stayed in bed as long as he could allow. He was a hunter, after all. He had duties and work he was supposed to accomplish. This was not his home. Not a place to slack off just because he was having a bad day. Not a place to be comfortable. That was a life he would never be allowed to have.
It was hard though. Hard to leave the soft replacement of a bed partner with the mounds of blankets and pillows he tended to surround himself in. With a whiney groan, he left his bed.
A shower, long and hot, was then used to ease him from his sleepy woes. Any sensation of something touching his skin that he could pretend was someone else. How he had become so dependant on the love and attention of others was a disease he needed to cleanse himself of.
After all, his old ways had a habit of hurting the ones he claimed to love in return. He hadn't a right to allow such pleasures for himself. Not if he couldn't cope with the cost.
The bed was behind him, and the shower complete. He was dressed for the day, clean and prepared but his heart remained in heavy, sore pain. He wanted to hold someone. Wanted them to pet his hair, kiss his cheek, and wish him well. He wanted this, but he'd not allow it. Not anymore.
He took a look at the room he was leaving behind before work; he'd made a mess of it. Tearing everything apart in his quest to make it new. A new start, and a fresh slate. His room would be stripped of all he accumulated, so that he could look upon it and remind himself he as a new Otto. An unselfish Otto. A better, good Otto. One who didn't use others for his own comforts.
Still, it was lonely. It was painful, and made him feel so alone and isolated.
Why did the right thing feel so horribly and utterly sickening. His stomach hurt, his appetite was slim, and all he wanted to do was curl into a ball and never face the world again.
With whatever bravery he had in him, he stepped out of his room to face the day ahead.
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Posted: Sun Apr 05, 2015 3:24 am
Days passed. The separation from them was getting more difficult. It was fine when he was busy. He didn't think about it. He felt he was fine, maybe even better off without the drama. But then he'd et reminded of them, or see them on Twitter. Suddenly, he'd remember what it was like to feel them, talk to them. He'd accost himself afterward, asking if he just missed their company, or them as people. Was it just sex or devotion? Or just their soft touch?
That he could get from anyone if he tried hard enough. But he didn't want to try. He only ever got a girl when they came to him. Except Eva. He'd actively tried for her, he remembered. Summoned the courage and asked her out. Took months and months before willing himself to kiss her. So when it came down to it.. did he only end up with the last few women because they'd simply asked? Simply seduced or coerced?
Did that make him cheap? Did that make him hollow? Had he really, truly, never loved them? Been IN love with them? Just gave in to temptation and comfort?
Since Eva... had he actually loved anyone at all for who they were?
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Posted: Sun Apr 05, 2015 3:06 pm
Otto huffed as he read Maebe's tweet, fulling expecting a prank or some sort. Hell, he didn't doubt she really would be in the closet, had they still been an item. What he found in the closet, instead, was a fluffy and cute easter bunny plush. Otto's heart thumped to life, and the room seemed brighter. She'd gotten him a present. Left it for him to find. A secret fondness that Otto held for plushes was known by the female blonde.
He gently picked it up, slowly walking back to his bed where his phone lay waiting. It was soft. It was cuddly. So he sat down with it perched on his lap, and continued to tweet; a smile on his face.
Things weren't too hard, after all. Little things made it all better.
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