[PRP] I Say Hello (Cami + Otto)

[Bittiface]

This was the day.

It was a long time coming, but it still seemed so fast to come. It would be better for them both for him to do this, but he still felt like the bad guy. To make it easier, he laid out a bowl of Cami's favourite snack, and poured her a nice drink. He set down her favourite cuddling blanket beside him, and then he waited for her to arrive.

He paced the apartment, going over in his mind what he wanted to say; how he would say it. How to let her know, without making her feel kicked out, that it was time she moved out.

It was best for them both, he reminded himself. He needed to re-learn to adjust to living on his own. Relearning how to be his own person. Relying on Cami's warmth and passiveness would not help him. He'd fall into the same routine.

He prayed he was making the right choice.

chromaticore

 

[nessy]

For someone who was so adamant about being honest with others, Camille was remarkably good at lying to herself. Lies like 'There's no tension at home' or 'You can do good by staying here' or 'This is where you belong' all fit so neatly into the life she wanted to live that she didn't even allow herself to consider if she was actually living that life. Over and over she reminded herself that she was needed, that she was necessary, and it was such a good thing.

Otto's talk shouldn't have come as a surprise but it was going to. It was going to rock her world down to the core and shove her off the very narrow, shaky stilts that she'd been using to keep her head above water.

Cami was so damned desperate to hold on to some semblance of a time when they'd all been happy that when she saw the snack and blanket she didn't think 'problem'. She thought 'movie night'. Smiling she dropped her bag next to the door and picking up a chocolate-covered pretzel. "What's the movie tonight?"

bittiface

 

[Bittiface]

Otto gave her a nervous smile, as if his face was not built for smiles and he had issues adjusting it as such. "Whichever you want. Later." He murmured, letting her sit before be bothered to follow.

"I actually gotta talk to you. I been meaning to a while, but..." He shrugged sheepishly, "I been avoidin' it."  

[nessy]

Crack.

Cami felt her shaky foundation wobble but her smile stayed fixed because she hadn't been on Deus longer than she'd been alive. Maman had taught her to smile from the day she was born. 'Talk' should not have had negative connotations but Otto didn't meant to talk to someone for awhile about good things. Good things came out as they came to mind.

He was her best friend, though, and she loved him. Was slowly trying to trust him again the way she had before everything had gotten ******** up. So she smiled and teased him. "Well that's not new but I'm glad you're gettin' it out. What did you wanna talk about?"  

[Bittiface]

He reminded himself to be gentle. He recalled what Maebe had said about making Cami feel wanted and loved. Because she was. But what they'd been doing was no good for either of them. Living in denial and playing house. But Cami wasn't as strong as she made herself to look. Not as happy as she played it. He needed to do this gently.

Otto was terrible at being gentle.

"I don't want you to take this the wrong way, cause I love havin' you here. But that's also part of the problem." He fidgeted as he spoke, trying to keep eye contact even though all he wanted to do was stare at his feet or hands. Anything but her.

"I use you to hide from myself, and from the world. We both need better than that. So.." He made certain to keep eye contact now more than ever.

"Not right away... but you gotta find your own place." It hurt just saying it. He dreaded how Cami must have felt; expecting a movie night and coming to this. "I ain't kickin' you out, okay? S'not like that. But I think we both use each other a little too much. That ain't healthy. But I don't want you thinkin' I don't want you around neither."

He left it at that for now, worrying he had babbled her into a stupor.

chromaticore

 

[nessy]

Had it been less personal Cami would have helped him realize what could be done better. 'Don't take this the wrong way' was not a good way to start. 'Not right away' gave someone an infinite time frame in which to take advantage of the situation further. She'd also tell him how the eye contact was a great step forward and how she was proud of him for telling her this, even if it had taken time to do so.

But it was so heart-wrenching and personal that none of that mattered. Camille's smile froze on her face as her eyes went wide, showing far too much of her sclera for anyone's ability to think she was alright. "But you are." Her accent got thick as well, so thick that it was like molasses in her mouth, making her words into a Caribbean slurry that was almost impossible to understand. "A light push is just the same as a kick." Unnamed emotions that were too tangled and jumbled to make sense right now bubbled up as she fisted her hands at her sides.

Cami was never very good with anger based in pain. This time, at least, she wasn't crying. Progress was her pacing around the room trying to put her thoughts in order as she flicked a glance up to Otto every now and then.

Then, like something had ground the gears in her body to a halt she stopped. It was comical how mechanical the movement was and how she nearly tipped herself over with the abrupt motion. "But I promised I wouldn't stay when you asked me to go. That it wouldn't be a problem. So it won't." Hands uncurled at her sides, fingers flexed, but she couldn't look at him.

Maybe wouldn't.

She would have gone for her things, gone for the door, but her legs wouldn't move. They were just there with Otto looking intently at Cami while she looked resolutely at her own feet, willing them to just work.  

[Bittiface]

"It's okay if it's a problem." Otto murmured, worrying as she paced and flexed and was generally uncomfortable. "I didn't expect you to take this smilin'. If you did I'd be more worried." Not that he wasn't already.

He tried not to be too emotional. All he wanted to do was bend to her will and let himself be the door mat he'd become lately. But that wasn't him. And he wouldn't fall back to the easy route. Easy roads led to bad ends.

She was still. So still.

"Cami?"  

[nessy]

God but she wished she could make the joke about him worrying. Logically it was a good thing for Otto to know what he wanted, what he needed, and to take the steps towards that. Even if it meant pushing her out of their, no, his home. He'd worked to get this place and make it his own. She was nothing but an advantageous squatter who had wanted a home like she'd always dreamed about having as a child. But she wasn't a child. She was a grown woman who was trying to make something it wasn't.

Splash.

There was no staying afloat now. Eyes still a little too wide she looked up at the mention of her name, fumbling into her pocket to seem like she was actually mid-thought. "I should start making arrangements. Mimsy might be willing..." She trailed off, prodding uselessly at her cell phone with its ridiculously bright and colorful case. "Foolish." An absent murmur under her breath as she turned it over, thumb running over the rhinestones set in one of the decora pieces.

Maybe once she'd been strong, or at least had been able to construct a facsimile of a strong person, but it had been broken down long ago. When she'd been told to let go and trust. Now Cami was frozen and didn't much know what to do because she'd put too much in the pot to pull it out now. "Otto..." She looked at him now, a little lost, because unlike before this was final. She knew on a visceral level this would not be her home again.

"What do I do?"  

[Bittiface]

Wrap her in your arms and say it will all be okay. Say you'll make it all better, and that he will always be there. Things he wanted to say, but thought better of it. Promises he would never be able to keep.

"I don't know." He murmured back. Because he truly didn't know what she should do. If she stayed with someone, or if she still had her room in the basement, or if there was a right answer. Cami needed to find it on her own somehow.

She was scared. Confused? The look on her face was something he'd never seen on her before.

"I'll help you find a room and get you all set up and comfy, if you want. That's about all I can do to help you." This was his best friend, he was certain. That's what they told themselves. Surely something like this wouldn't shake them up too badly, right? It was a trial. A trial they were sure to overcome if it was solid and true.

Right?  

[nessy]

Don't touch me. Don't look at me. Don't talk to me. Tell me you didn't mean it. Tell me this is my home. Tell me you need me and it's okay.

Don't make me go.

Why couldn't she get angry? Why couldn't she yell, and scream, and throw things the way that she should want to? Why was she cold inside? This had always been a possibility. Hadn't she known that? Or, perhaps, knowing something and understanding it are two different things. Maybe if you don't want to believe that something could happen you tell yourself it won't even if the facts say differently.

She'd never been fantastic in math. Camille had been a dreamer, someone who looked behind her rather than in front to see what was coming. Maebe probably would have seen this coming. She was the other side of the coin that saw and understood so much more than her redheaded girlfriend. They were still girlfriends. Right?

"You've done enough." Hollow words that could mean more than she wanted them to. What she'd meant by those three words was that Cami had enough things to make any room comfortable. He'd helped her get those things. But he wouldn't be there and that was the most important part of any room.

Since it wasn't in the direction of the door it seemed that her legs would allow her to go into the bedroom and gather up her pillow and blanket. Knotting them like they were a knapsack she froze again, sliding down to the floor and hugging them against her chest, back against the frame of the bed. Muffled into the pillow she let herself say it: "I don't want to go."  

[Bittiface]

Her hollow words hurt. She sounded off, and cold. He didn't like this. Not at all. Maybe he really was the bad guy. This whole time, he'd been the bad guy. He didn't like that at all. Not at all...

He watched her meander into his bedroom, likely to gather things already. He felt a hole grow big and deep in his heart, and it hurt as it burned it's way through. How was this supposed to be the right way to go about things? Why did the right things hurt so badly. If this even was right.

He wandered in some time after, finding Cami sitting on the floor.

His core shook with worry, and he found himself squatting next to her, cautiously placing a hand on her shoulder. "I'm really sorry.."

I don't wanna be the bad guy. I wish I never did wrong.  

[nessy]

In reflex Cami leaned over and lightly pressed her lips against Otto's cheek when he apologized. Between them it was always a sign of acceptance, forgiveness, for when there weren't really words or when words weren't right for the moment. All of that was loaded into that single brush of lips against skin and somehow it gave her at least a little bit of courage. Normalcy was something that was very, very important to Cami. Her idea of normal, at least. That action was a normal one, an automatic one, and it was okay.

Lifting her head from where she'd mushed it into her mass of blanket and pillow the redhead's face relaxed into something less scared and more concerned. "Will you promise me something?" She didn't say what. Not yet.  

[Bittiface]

"Probably." He replied honestly, and maybe a little too sassy. "What is it?"  

[nessy]

Arms were hugged tight around her pillow/blanket lifeline because she was stupid and weak. Without someone to need her there was nothing to do but be adrift without an anchor, something that she'd studiously avoided for almost a full decade now. Speaking slowly so that her accent didn't get in the way she outlined what it was she needed Otto to promise her.

"Eat. Real food, not just chocolate and ice cream. And just..." Again the lost look in her eyes as they drifted down and away. "Just remember that I love you. Even if maybe it's not good for you, or I can't show it the way I want to, or you don't want me to anymore. Just remember it." Taking a deep breath she exhaled, slow and shaky.

Rocking forward onto her knees Camille pushed to her feet. Like she was in mud up to her knees she shuffled towards the door and her bag. Otto had said she could stay until she found another place but it wasn't good. Not for either of them. This was not her home. There was no place for her here. Over and over she told herself those two things, hoping to make them ring true, and hearing nothing but the hollow echo inside of her head.

She made it as far as the couch before her feet stopped moving again.  

[Bittiface]

Real food. Ugh. So much effort and likely many burnt or undercooked meals were ahead of him. He'd allow for help with lessons from friends, but he would not stoop to making people cook for him anymore. He needed to be self sufficient. He needed to learn.

"I will." He murmured assuredly. "I promise."

He got up along with her, following her until she stopped. He wasn't in a hurry to shove her out the door, but he was growing slightly concerned. He moved around until he was at her side again.

Don't promise she can come back. Don't coddle or go back to what was easy. He needed to help her, but not give her another place to hide and pretend.

"I can walk you to where ever you're goin'."