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 Posted: Sun Mar 15, 2015 2:17 am
Backdated to Mar. 8, 2015 It had been a month since he'd been home. He'd called the landlord and paid his part of the bills privately in that time, but that still didn't leave any word or news to Colin or Nischal about his whereabouts that had been supposed to be a 2-week trip from the 30th to the 14th of February. It was already a week into March. The plus was that with Anna's careful help, they'd gotten him back on his feet from the dehydration without needing to go to the hospital for kidney failure or infections. All her life was packed away and being shipped back to Europe with a couple of pickups over the next couple days. It meant having to face his own life- picking it up as it was, ruined, and to try to ensure safety to those closest around it. He arrived at the apartment with the dawn, turning his key softly in the door and stepping in to the grey lights to find it not really any different than a month ago. The furniture was all the same, the basket of fruit on the counter stocked and inviting too-busy youths to some sort of snackage. He set his messenger bag on the island and started a pot of coffee out of habit in the space, like he had hundreds of times before on getting back from his early gym session. It is a Sunday. I don't know if he is home. Or if Nischal is.
Maybe he is still sleeping. What a terrible way to wake someone.
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Posted: Sun Mar 15, 2015 2:37 am
What had started as hurt, anger, and incredulity that he would be treated so shabbily by someone that was supposed to have cared for him so much had slowly changed into darker blend that haunted his dreams and caused his waking moments to be coloured with anxiety and a wont to break s**t. He didn't indulge it, save in battle or spar, because he was an Adult rather than a Child and he could stay out at all hours and try to exhaust himself rather than throwing breakable items. Colin was still abed after a long night, but the promise of ready coffee roused him the way his alarm had not, rousing him from a bed long since become single in occupancy. 'Nischal, making coffee? No, if he's here he'd not come out, not this early.' Which really left the options as to whom was making it quite slim, though he supposed that his mother could have swung by and broke in to surprise-- aw, who was he kidding? It was either his p***k-of-a-boy-friend...or the coffee fairy. And the coffee fairy didn't exist. Gritting his teeth because honestly, it was too goddamned early for this horseshit, Colin rolled out of bed and pulled on pajama pants before emerging. Yep. Björn. The urge to launch himself at the giant blond was strong...he just wasn't sure if he'd end up kissing him or killing him, so instead he froze where he was and stared, trying to get his voice to work as pent-up emotion from months past overwhelmed. " You--."
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Posted: Sun Mar 15, 2015 4:54 am
The wood floors of the place made a lot of daily sounds unmistakable. They'd been things he'd paid attention to and cherished- the particular cadence of Colin's walk, or in the morning his sleepy shambles, progress from what room to what room, the sound of weight on the bed when it shifted. Looking over, knowing who was up and from where, brought more hope and equal dread. He always found people at their most beautiful on waking- hair uncombed tended to gather itself into natural, pretty wefts of curl, tangled and piled on head and shoulders depending length. Flush gathered at cheeks and lips, marking them a few hues darker from the spike of blood pressure and beats per minute that came in difference from sleep while the rest of the body seemed paler and reposed. Even waned from stress, blues painted under his eyes from want of sleep and depression, it was the same on Colin. The dancer was beautiful, disheveled in his Starfleet insignia pajama boxers with the cold light of morning glittering betrayed eyes. Tears of anger or despair were equally likely. Björn's eyes dropped to watching the other man's hands- Will they fist? "Hallo, Colin." The tone was quiet, unflinching at the accusation and incredulity in the dancer's own single word of question and demand. " I didn't mean to wake you. Just to wait until you did. I need to talk with you, if you are up for it. If you are willing." Asking to talk after so much falling apart, away, and silence. It isn't even much to say, and unkind. It would be better if he screamed at me, didn't want to talk, just wanted me gone. Gone out of his life. How different could the real disappearing be from how I've left him so far. Easy, but there is no use in predicting or hoping. I came to face this, however it plays out. I won't run away from facing it. Does the safety outweigh the hurt? I don't know. The dread and despair welled up again, then the worse, creeping coldness after it. The coldness where it was hard to feel anything at all, and that he'd begun to suspect was connected to just what was wrong with all the Generals that he'd come to admire, love, and then to back away from in seeing their madness grow. It was the thing that sat over his stomach and in the back of his mind on the battlefield that made violence seem little more than threshing wheat. Björn swallowed, retrieving two mugs and the milk from the refrigerator. " It is a lot to ask."
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Posted: Sun Mar 15, 2015 3:38 pm
It was infinitely harder than he'd imagined, coming face to face with Björn after so long - after so much. Not just anger or sadness pierced, but concern and love badly bruised held the dancer's limbs in check and froze his voice as effectively as senshi magic ever could have. Björn looked like he'd been through hell and crawled back, which only served to further temper his anger. He was no saint, just a man hurt, so tempering did not offer protection from the way his fingers twisted in the soft printed fabric at his thighs or how they did eventually curl up into fists at the sound of the larger man's voice. It took a bit of doing, finding his voice and making his body move - and even then only in that oh-so-careful manner of someone holding themselves together with will as fragile as spun glass. "I don't sleep well anymore." Or much at all, unless he was utterly exhausted to the point of fainting..he'd actually powered up a few times to over-use his magic, just to force himself to get some rest because otherwise he would lay in their bed with wet eyes, unable to do anything but dwell. But Björn didn't need to know any of that, it was a secret hurt he'd keep wrapped tight in the arms of his sphere and tucked to his heart. Besides, it looked like he had his own problems with sleep. 'Good.' It was unkind, but the thought was there anyway, just like the urge to throw himself at Björn and be folded up, comforted. Colin made a sound like an abused animal that might have dove-tailed into some very nasty Klingon. 'If he was willing?' So now he wanted to talk? Now there would be no short note of dismissal, shorter and more keen to hurt than if he'd actually raised one of those massive fists to strike him? Colin lifted his chin and willed himself to calm, lest he fall apart. "Do you. Have any. Idea. What. You. Put. Me. Through?" Each word, bitten out short to stop either sob or scream, he wasn't sure which. 'Don't cry. Don't cry. Don't cry.' ********.
He made it to the kitchen, throat working but voice frozen again. God but it was so much harder...why couldn't he just not feel for once in his life? But this was Björn...not just anyone. "Yeah. It is." But it shouldn't have been - wouldn't have been - if not for the absence and shoddy behaviour aimed his direction. For an extended period of time. <******** notes. "So--" While he was terrified at what he was going to be hearing, because conversations that started with 'I need to talk to you' never boded well, he could be an adult. Drink coffee and discuss...whatever the hell it was that he didn't want to hear. Only he found being within reach to be too much. Being so close to the person he'd been missing terribly, been wanting to touch, frayed his self-control and he found himself pushing forward, reaching for Björn past mugs and milk and wanting only to bury his face in his shirt. To hell with coffee, Colin needed comfort more. Safe, not safe. How did you deal when the person that most comforted you was the one that caused the hurt? "Damn you. Damn you to hell." If only he didn't sound so raw, it might have been a proper verbal jab...as it stood, Colin couldn't count it as more than the slightest barb.
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Posted: Tue Mar 17, 2015 5:14 am
He didn't flinch or react when the hands did flex, except to make sure the drink accoutrements were solidly and safely on the counter. Thoughts diverged between what he seemed like what he should do and what he had to do. Kissing his hair is not what he will need now. He reaches for me, and what more could I want right now ? Draw him near, lift him to the counter island and stand between his knees with arms around him until the shudders fail. That isn't deserved, if I am going to say what I am. So he held out a hand to Colin's chest to stop the smaller man before Colin could reestablish that rapport between them- mutual strength and comfort, connection physical and visceral was far too dangerous to resolve. "Colin, Anna and I are leaving for Europe permanently. We aren't going to return to the United States. " I suppose this is already hell. Am I damned to it? Can curses really work, spoken casually or spoken with heart behind them? It is far gone to be cursed by that mouth. "All this last year. I have been selfish, leaving our hearts to sit around no knowing what they already sensed. You deserve better than what I've given since you returned. I am sorry. " There is no need to talk about how sorry. That is also selfish in focus. Hurt never hears it anyway. It does not matter if I hurt. I failed the charges I took on, so I deserve what comes. But he doesn't. He never deserved this. "You don't deserve excuses or any of this hurt. I have to go. "
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Posted: Tue Mar 17, 2015 10:52 pm
If only things could be so simple, but simplicity wasn't really something one could apply to his life over the past few years; being stopped wasn't outside the realm of the possible - or the expected. It was enough to jolt the danseur, for it had been some time since they'd had any sort of physical connection and that large hand scalded more than the resolute tone in his ears. "Wait... what the hell--? You... did not pull that disappearing s**t on me to show up magically one morning just to say you're heading the hell off and ******** you very much." But that was pretty much what he was saying and doing and it was just a little too much to deal with. Angry tears left tracks along drawn cheeks unheeded, "Am I supposed to be okay with this? Because I'm not. Why do you have to go? Why the hell didn't you talk to me about this before? I mean, maybe I'm crazy but I've always thought you gave a damn...you don't pull this on someone you care about." 'Because he didn't care to or he's found someone else. Or he's running from something and the hell wouldn't he tell me? Why wouldn't he talk to me, give me a chance to help or...something.' "What I deserve from you are answers. If you're denying me a choice, then at least give me answers." Having said all that, he had to bow his head and look away. Björn's expression was too sad, too resolute and sacrificing for him to bear; seeing Björn's hurt did nothing but make his own heart ache more, made him want to give ease somehow. Instead Colin shook his head slowly and rubbed at the scar on his forearm to distract himself with the ache doing so caused. The scarring was a very visible sign of how separate their lives had grown, despite his best efforts, due to any number of reasons that held varying levels of guilt or pain. How many other scars, visible and not, did they both have now that had gone unremarked or unknown by the other? That would - it seemed - remain mysterious and unsoothed hurts? So was it really so surprising that the strongman had done as he had - or even that he had only shown up to end their relationship in person? Yes. No. Maybe? Likely it wouldn't have mattered...it was not as though the heart was good with reason or logic when emotion overwhelmed. After all, it was one thing to be physically harmed but another entirely when it was an emotional hurt. Colin had long learned how to deal with hurts to the body...but this wasn't something he had learned how to defend against, nor something he'd expected to have to defend against. Not for quite some time, not with Björn. "I really wish I didn't love you...then this wouldn't hurt so damn bad and maybe I could just. Let you go, like you...want."
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Posted: Thu Mar 19, 2015 9:59 am
He watched through the inevitables- indignance, asking for reasons and demand of explanation, and pretending that there should be a choice in some hallowed idea of interpersonal unions that was so much fog before the reality of individual human existence. Björn's own thoughts followed the tangent 'why.' It is always asked, even in books and movies. It keeps people up, trying to figure out what went wrong in relationships. 'What went wrong' is another way of saying 'why'. Why didn't it work. Why is for closure, to learn from to do things differently in the future, but doesn't seem much changes. Why is more like asking for ropes and hooks to try to throw and catch the broken piece off of their life and try to reattach it again. But there's never a point to that either. They no longer trust the piece not to hurt or leave all over again. It is a strange form of want of the past, want for no change, or no pain. Possession of the thing after all endings. The rest of Colin's comments weren't wrong. The whole situation wasn't one that you did to someone cared about and loved in most people's understanding of the conditions of Romantic Love. It wasn't one he would have chosen, either, if certainty of death or its cousin in purification weren't the only way to leave the Negaverse. The very 'whys' were torture and possibly murder to Colin and all his family to impart, compared to an innocuous break up to leave the country for a transfer of branches. Am I missing other options, though? Is there some other way to have done this? I can't reason one out, but that's no surprise. There isn't anyone to ask about this sort of relationship problem. There's no magazine in the checkout line that claims it knows how to help relationships bound up in magical wars. And in that play with the boy and girl they both died at the end.
I don't want a solution like that. WIth colin stopped and distracted to picking at himself, the large paw was drawn back to his own pockets. "It isn't denying you a choice. One in a relationship is done, that relationship is done. It cannot be one sided. It isn't something that can be chosen. " He was a terrible liar, so 'done' was the only word he could come up with to avoid approaching the matter of love. Leaving love out of it made it a lot less complicated, as Colin himself observed. Björn physically couldn't say 'I don't love you.' Everything else felt hollow and strange, just the same. "I don't as you to be okay. This is terrible. It wasn't hope or plan, but it is necessary. I can't give why. That isn't good either. You don't have to feel anythings immediately, or let go immediately...maybe that sort of things takes time. " His grammar started slipping worse, stress still there in some fashion even if he thought he felt empty. "But Anna and I are going as soon as we can. The boxes are being picked up and mailed already. " "You do deserve better, Colin. Better than me. And I deserve damning. You will be free to find better."
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Posted: Sat Mar 21, 2015 12:22 am
Through it all there was only one thing that kept Colin from trying to slap the sad expression off Björn's face was the fact that he looked miserable as well, that he seemed resolute in doing this but not happy about it. It didn't make it hurt less, but it did help some in keeping him from getting physically violent, even if doing so meant Colin put no effort into keeping slow tears from falling. Being told he wasn't being denied a choice set his teeth on edge and Colin slammed a fist onto the counter. "Done? You're done with me, just like that? Were you done with me when you disappeared before October, too? Or were you just trying to figure out how far you had to go to get rid of me?" It made no sense, it made no sense to him at all. Even if Björn had wanted to end their relationship...it shouldn't have involved running away to Europe, for chrissakes. "The hell happened to you Björn, this isn't...it makes no sense." He couldn't give why, but it was necessary -- that rang truer than anything else and Colin held himself tightly while making effort to calm enough to deal properly with what was happening. There was an idea germinating from Björn's words, but not enough time or mental fortitude to tend it to blossoming. Perhaps later, when the hurt wasn't as fresh or when he'd had time to pull himself together; after the strongman wasn't standing before him agreeing that Colin deserved better...that he'd be free to find better. Putting himself down and losing clarity of expression like he tended to when stressed or overly emotional. "I--" Colin lay his arms across the counter, elbows hanging off as he leaned over to dig fingers through curls and pull in frustration and distress. After a minute he shifted and looked over and up at Björn again. "There's nothing I can say to change your mind, is there? You're...leaving and that's that..." He pushed up from the counter, shoulders sharp and high above his still hanging head until he managed to straighten completely. Everything felt distant and slow, every limb feeling heavy and bound towards the center of the Earth. There were stages to these sorts of things but Colin wasn't ready to fall into acceptance any time soon. Grieving, yes. He could begin to grieve with Björn standing before him, blue eyes tinged with sadness, face drawn from exhaustion and god only knew what else. Will alone let him reach out one unsteady hand again, not to grab or clutch but simply to touch - a gentler version of jabbing someone in the chest. Movement slow enough that it could be caught easily if that was preferred. "Yeah, I do. I really do, but see...I'm screwed. I am just about <********>. Ten ways from Sunday, because whatever I might deserve, what I want is you. And you're leaving me behind...saying it's necessary. And that I can't do anything about it but let you go..find someone else." Truth be told, he still wasn't 100% certain which version was going to happen: him crying over it or him throwing a tantrum, kicking and screaming. At the least he sounded choked but also rough, like he wanted to be shaking the other man so that maybe they'd wake up and this would just be some bad dream, his words would sink in and this would be ended...or so a logical explanation would be forthcoming. "There's no one else like you...I don't think you understand just how much I need you."
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Posted: Thu Apr 02, 2015 5:59 pm
Björn didn't flinch at the first lash out, expecting something of the kind. 'Done' hadn't been the best word, it had just been the only word he'd been able to come up with. There was no 'best' scenario, so far as he could tell. Being deliberately cruel, saying or doing worse on purpose to make it a bad break would have had its own host of equally terrible wounds and consequences, he was certain. It didn't look as though doing it this way had mitigated the chances of Colin going off wall, though. The whole thing was a wash. He didn't move when the hand extended to touch him this time. Instinct was screaming to gather Colin in quickly, kiss his hair, anything but keep doing the charade. As though it really could all be taken back, wiped away, laughed off as one of the worst jokes of the century and they could go on going on with no more mention of it and no more notes, Until what? Until one day I really do just disappear and make this all come crashing back again as not a joke but a desperate foretelling? A short foretelling- a month? Two months? Björn Guildson cannot go on as a murderer and knight for everything that will enslave and then destroy the Earth. Not even for love.
But I don't understand what to do more. What is he bargaining for? Asking for....'I don't understand' ...but I do. I do know how horrible this is. It is back to searching that surely I wouldn't if I 'really' understood? Maybe that is it. But what more is there to do or say, except to try to call it a joke.
Look at him.
What have I done.
What have I ever done.There wasn't comfort to be offered, not in safety. ' only one of them
Remained, stood there, miserable, remembering,
As a good man must, what kinship should mean.'...it is no choice but each man to his own who stands and who runs from any test. Even between lords, lovers, friends and family. I cannot outright tell him and by my own will make the choice of putting him in danger. It is his choice. "There is no escape for me or for Anna. I try to keep you from it all- knowing is in the danger. But it is your choice. I must go for now. In a few weeks...a month maybe...not long...I send an unsigned postcard with where and when to go if you really want to know the answer of why. " "The card must be destroyed, and you must stay hidden if you go. That is the best that can offered. Is that enough? Can it be enough? It is note again, and you hate them, but I cannot stay here in Destiny City. I cannot be seen with you again."
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Posted: Tue Apr 07, 2015 3:58 pm
They were long past anything that might be able to be considered the 'best case scenario' and heading rapidly into the 'everything is ********, I'm out bitches' scenario while on the way to "the Hell did I get here" scenario. Touching Björn might not have been the best idea as it made him want to curl against him again, to have the blond's arms go around him and to erase the morning from existence. Unfortunately that wasn't realistic in the slightest and the hurt they were feeling was devastatingly, heart-breakingly so. Still, he didn't move his hand because there was no way of knowing if this would be the last time, the last thing that they were able to connect. Knowing was the danger? Just what was Björn caught up in? Once more the thought nipped and niggled that it could be the Negaverse...but then, wouldn't Björn just tell him? It wasn't as though he'd kept his being Aegir from his lover, sheesh! So that meant it must be outside the war for the Earth, right? "If you're in trouble..." Something about Björn's intensity made him close his mouth and listen instead of trying to wheedle more information from him. Especially since it was clearl there would be no cause given or sudden flood of reasons put forth until he got that note - Colin might have been emotional and upset, but he wasn't stupid. He'd take what he could get, dammit. Which was why he wiped at his eyes and try putting a wibbly little smile on his face while he looked up at very sad blue eyes. "I want the chance, Björn. I...I'd take that note gladly, if it helped me know what's going on with you." Christ almighty this kept sounding worse and worse...and that took a bit of doing by then. Of course, he'd have promised anything at that point to get answers, but he'd probably obey...Colin was honest to a fault unless he had no other choice. "So...um. I don't know...what to do now..." Did he leave? Did Björn stay and pack? Did they get to be the cliched teen movie break-up couple and have one last round of steamy Good-bye sex? Or maybe he just got to cry some more and be miserable while watching Björn go?
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Posted: Fri Apr 10, 2015 12:38 am
It wasn't the tempest with an easy ending, being screamed at or kicked out until later to comeback and pack things, that popular media primed one to expect out of a bad break up. Björn put his larger paw overtop the smaller hand on his own chest. Some of that is probably since we both know I love him still, whatever all this stupidity is. It makes it more a of quick, quiet knife to deeper vitals. Who can scream with that? It is so much energy just to speak or stand or breath. Neither of us knows what to do next- the hearts' are not in agreement with our minds, let alone the situation itself. I've never 'broken up' with anyone before, not really. Obsidian's leaving had similarities. His second hand moved to gently tip fingers against Colin's extended elbow. It was an invitation, gentle, and left Colin a choice if he wanted to come close still. It was a promise that there wouldn't be a panicked retreat this time in touching back. We've said what needed to be said. I leave. I will send him a message and then he can make the final choice of what he sees or doesn't. So what do we do now? Take last comforts, if he is willing? Say goodbye with other ways. We were neither very good with words.
If you wish it, Colin Hargrove. I will tire you to a few hours more of sleep before the dark closes in on us both. Tears and sighs- "It is not apology, or proper gift, but I would give you the months in our few hours."
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Posted: Thu Apr 16, 2015 2:19 am
Björn's hand over his was warm and a bit surprising after the way he'd reacted previously; Colin's fingers twitched and pressed into shirt material reflexively. His expression spoke of yearning and wariness but softened at the secondary touch to his elbow, a silent invitation that he accepted with a shudder. Colin tucked himself into the taller man's arms to hide his tear-streaked face against Björn's chest, grateful for the succor even as it came from the very being causing the pain. The rumble of words vibrated through the danseur's body but it took the span of several heartbeats for him to process what was said - and when he did, he looked up into sad blue eyes and wondered if maybe he was hallucinating or having a very odd nightmare. 'Such an offer, god but if he'd only said that ten minutes ago, twenty...then I might not feel gutted'[/]. Kinder thought tempered the anger and incredulity he'd felt being told leaving was necessary, that ending whatever relationship might exist was the only way. 'He might not either...there is no triumph, no happiness to be free of me. So he hurts as well, my poor, sweet love.'
"Björn..." Knowing this might be the last time he got to see this person that had been such a part of his life and thoughts for so long now, the one that knew about the bleak parts of his past and found no accusations or fault with him, the one he had wanted to stay with - made the choice thoughtless as breathing. Colin rose on tip-toe, free arm sliding up to cup the back of the taller man's head and urge it down for a soft kiss. "Take me to bed, then."
'Is it wrong? I don't care. I have this, only this and a promise, before he is gone. I will take anything he gives and if it makes me weak or stupid I'll gladly take that too.'
xIvynian I think we are near to a wrap, aye? Beyond him shoving long-forgotten gifts at the human Tank, that is. If he remembers.
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