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 Posted: Fri Mar 13, 2015 9:00 pm
Long Ago
Once upon a time, she was an outgoing, charismatic and energetic soul who could strike up a conversation with strangers on a short elevator ride and have them laughing and smiling by the time they arrived at their floor. Then she had mental break down after the abrupt disappearance of her brother. She couldn't remember those two years after the disappearance of her brother but before making the decision to come to Deus very well, and it was probably for the best.
She didn't like what came out of it though.
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Posted: Fri Mar 13, 2015 9:10 pm
Right Here
Now, she was not outgoing, she was not charismatic, and she was not energetic. She was stoic (most of the time). She tired at the thought of conversation and strained by the thought of even making the effort to speak more than a few sentences to someone. She'd rather be alone, and sit in utter silence with her thoughts. She is not the person she used to be, and she realizes that she actually has no grasp on who she is at the moment.
This bothers her, but she also realizes it's something she can't solve right now. One day, but not right this moment. She'll get her s**t back together one day. She knows she will.
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Posted: Fri Mar 13, 2015 9:18 pm
Five
She thinks back to how she acted during certain times here on the Island since she woke up. She isn't the type to envision things going differently, because whatever happened, happened, and dreaming it had gone differently wasn't productive. No, instead she analyzes herself, her words, her actions, her thoughts and her feelings. She's critical of herself.
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Posted: Fri Mar 13, 2015 9:21 pm
Night
She usually doesn't have trouble sleeping, but she has been, lately, ever since that stupid blow up on Twitter between her and Lex, and that talk she had with Chance. She looks over at her room mate and faintly makes him out in the darkness, and is envious of his 'give no shits' attitude right now. He's sleeping well.
She looks back up at the ceiling, and wishes she gave no shits all across the board, but she doesn't. She does care. Only about the things that matter.
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Posted: Fri Mar 13, 2015 9:31 pm
No
She does not pity Chance. What is done and done and there's no making up for his shitty childhood, which she knows is what shaped him. She lives for the here and now, and believes that words and actions in the here and now can help. She does not pity him. She genuinely wants to help him reach that understanding he's curious about.
He's her friend, but she doesn't know how to keep explaining it to him in hopes that he'll get it. All she knows is that she'll keep trying. She knows what it's like to be let down. It's one of the most horrible feelings in the world.
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Posted: Fri Mar 13, 2015 9:40 pm
Maybe
It occurs to her that no one has ever has ever pulled through for her when it mattered. No one when her mother passed, no one when Lex disappeared, and no one was going to pull through for her right now. She pulled herself through.
She'll pull herself through now.
She knows Dawson is a nothing short of a text away, and he'd throw down everything to help, but she is wary of people like him. Not because she thinks he's incapable, but because she knows he's the type to give and give and give and ask for nothing in return. She doesn't want to take when she feels she can't give equally give back to that level of earnest selflessness.
It's not fair to good people like him, and she wishes it was, but she knows it'll never be.
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Posted: Fri Mar 13, 2015 9:56 pm
Tenacity
She's stubborn. It's one of her best and worst traits, but she usually knows when to reign it in. She usually knows when to call it quits. She needled into Chance because she's stubborn. She needled into him because she had a gut feeling that that's what she needed to do to help.
Would she reach a point where she would need to reign it in? Would she reach a point where she'd need to call it quits? Not just in one exchange, but over all? She doesn't think about that too hard, because it's a situation of 'crossing that bridge when (or if) she got to it', but it unsettles her.
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Posted: Fri Mar 13, 2015 10:04 pm
Glimpses
Sometimes, she sees bits and pieces of that person she used to be peek through her exchanges with others. In between the lines of a reserved and impassive persona was a passionate soul at heart. This soul wanted to give it her all when she deemed something or someone worth it.
A thought occurs to her one day as she stares out at the sea from one of her favorite spots on one of Deus' beach. It occurs to her that maybe this was what Claudia Anne Morgan would shape out to be. Someone that was a little bit of Column A and a little bit of Column B.
This thought pleases her, and it's one of the most pleasant thoughts she's had in a while.
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Posted: Fri Mar 13, 2015 10:25 pm
Good
She knows she's not without her flaws. No one is. She's not full of herself, either. She's confident in herself...usually. Most of the time. She knows she can be a pain in the a**, with her tenacity and her well placed words and knows she sometimes prolongs a confrontation by trying to get the last dig in. There's other things too, and she knows they're there, but there's one thing she's proud of herself for.
It's how she robs people of the power to embarrass and humiliate her with words.
The majority can say what they will, it's nothing more than water running down her back, and she doesn't bat an eyelash or even give it a second thought. That's how she simplifies her life, but not letting other people ruin it with their words, but she knows full well the power of words. She's watched it destroy other people.
She knows full well the power of words from people she actually cares about.
It's their words she can't let roll off her shoulders.
She knows she shouldn't be letting that childish dig Lex threw at her on Twitter about disappearing again bother her. She knows she shouldn't. He said it because he was being childish. He said it because he was upset. He said it because he knew it'd hurt her.
It did. It hurt because he's her brother and she loves him. It hurt because not only did she lose him, but she lost herself, too.
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Posted: Fri Mar 13, 2015 10:34 pm
Logic
Sometimes, when Cameron isn't there, she sits at her desk with C.J. in it's portable glass container and pets it. A finger lightly touches one of it's arms, and the arm lightly curls around her finger tip. It brings a small joy to her heart, the thought that the starfish wants to 'hold her hand'. The thought that maybe it has some sort of affection for her, and likes the contact.
Logically, she knows that isn't the case. It lacks a centralized brain. It was a reaction to being touched, but still, she enjoys it.
It's a small thing she cherishes and keeps to herself.
She keeps her hope strung along by reminding herself that C.J. hasn't bitten her, not even once. Maybe that meant something. Maybe.
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