Think about it. Think about it. That seemed like the only thing he had been doing, and it was starting to wear on him. For days, he had been focusing on these feelings, made stronger by conversations with Senshi and Knights, all of whom had different opinions on it, but never shunned him for being an enemy. They did not laugh at him for being weak, or threaten him for any reason. They just talked, the ones that knew him, the ones he just met. In the process, he gained more information than he knew what to do with.

Purification.

It still seemed like a foreign word, something he was not meant to understand. Even knowing a little more about what to expect, he felt like it was something he had made up in a fantasy, and not an actual option for him. He was not sure it could be called that, anyway, as he was still on the fence about even trying. Some told him to go for it, to be true to what was in his heart and abandon the Chaos that was threatening to consume him. Others told him to be careful, to weigh the consequences, to understand that even through purification he could still lose himself.

His biggest fear at the moment was not just being consumed by Chaos, as he saw with Painite, but through that being able to hurt or kill people he cared about. Senshi and Knights he had made friends with, or who had helped him through all this mess, would become targets to him. Pawns to play with. He felt like his will to make his own decisions would be lost without him really being aware of it, and thus he would never miss it. Chaos would change him at a fundamental level, making him want more, making him enjoy causing pain and suffering. It would make him like Painite in more ways than one, and seeing the choices she made, the way she delighted in them, terrified him.

Of course, she, in general, terrified him.

Beyond the idea that he would still lose all his memories and thus forget himself even if he purified, there was the worry of being caught by the one General he knew he could not fight back against. He spent a very long time caring for her, after finding her near dead on the side of the street, and taking her back to his home thinking she was going to die on his sofa. He went through great pains to heal her, though she was unaware of his methods. If she knew he had taken her to Senshi and had them heal her, bit by bit, would she be so quick to hate them? To be so brutal and violent toward them? Her mind was not exactly stable following her ordeal, though, and he was certain the weight of the information might break her further. He did not think he could hurt her, in any way, because he saw the scared, helpless person she had been. The one that desperately needed his help, and was thankful for him being there. It was only once she was strong enough to power up again that everything went wrong.

Now she was hell bent on revenge, and he was stuck trying to help her. Or at least trying to keep her, and everyone else, from getting killed. It was a difficult position to be in, considering every side wanted the other dead at this point.

Tonight, he was taking a step that he felt was necessary, even if it was terribly risky. He was walking toward the library, where he knew he would be able to find the knight that would have the kind of information he needed. Unfortunately, it was also the knight Painite was being her war against, and the one that had nearly killed her in the first place. If she found out Merlinite was near him and not trying to murder his face, she would blow a gasket. And Merlinite would probably lose a limb or two.

It was not death that scared him, at the end of the day. It was all the things Painite could do to him while keeping him alive.

She was so busy with other things, though, that there was no way she would be able to notice he was even missing, let alone out here doing the exact opposite of what she wanted him to do. At least, that was what he told himself to keep his courage up, and force himself to keep taking those steps toward the library. He was pretty close to it when he felt the massive aura suddenly appear, indicating that the Royal Knight he was looking for just arrived on the scene. It felt like he was being pushed on by all sides by the power of the Order aura, and he hesitated, never feeling a Royal’s aura so close, and so singularly before. And maybe just knowing it was actually happening was altering how he experienced it, as well. It did not feel as foreboding as he thought it would, though.

This was not his enemy, he reminded himself, not right now.

Swallowing hard and steeling his nerves, he took another step forward. It was a tremendous battle to get his other foot to follow suit, and an embarrassing number of seconds ticked by before he was able to take another step. It was like he had forgotten, quite suddenly, had to walk, and had to work it all out in his mind with each movement forward. He found his hands were shaking, and stopped again to brace himself one more time.

Of course, the Royal Knight was not sitting around, twiddling his thumbs. He felt the presence of a Negaverse aura and moved toward it, hopping down from the roof and landing on the pavement not too far away from where Merlinite was struggling. Close enough for him to see the impressive knight standing up, cloak moving behind him as if with a graceful mind of its own. Merlinite gave up walking all together at that point, staring like a lost child as Camelot approached. He was not holding a weapon or anything like that, but he really did not have to for Merlinite to be completely terrified. How did this work? How would he show he was not an enemy right off the bat, when he forgot how to speak and doubted he would say anything intelligent, anyway?

He dropped his head and the upper half of his body forward before Camelot came within a few feet, bowing like someone who had seen it done in a movie once but had never tried it for himself before hand.

Camelot blinked at the strange sight of a Negaverse Captain bowing at him, not aware of any of the turmoil inside the other’s mind. In fact, he was unfamiliar with Merlinite, though he had seen the green, camouflage patterned outfit before in group fights and other things. They, as far as he could recall, had never had direct interaction before. So, for Camelot, this was the first time he met Merlinite, and did not even know his name. It was an unfair advantage, or disadvantage, Merlinite had, going in, as he was all too aware of who Camelot was, through Painite and the stories from the senshi and knights he had been talking to. Two very different takes on one man, but still enough to make Merlinite nervous on both sides.

“Good evening,” Camelot offered patiently, smiling in slight confusion and maybe a bit of amusement, though he was clearly trying to keep it valiantly hidden for the sake of being respectful. Merlinite straightened up a bit, but did not think he should stand up completely upright, so he got himself caught in an awkward limbo between both extremes, afraid to lift his eyes and look at the Royal Knight directly. Maybe he thought he was going to catch on fire, or something, if he did. The aura was so intense, Merlinite felt it had to be something akin to staring at the sun.

“Uh. You’re Camelot, right?”

“I am. Who are you? I don’t think we’ve met before…?” Camelot watched the other carefully, seeing the marked hesitation in his movements and the way his eyes were darting back and forth, trying to find something interesting on the floor to stare at. He did not press the issue, though, as a Negaverse soldier addressing him like this was always a good sign, and he had his ideas already about just what this Captain wanted. Even if it would be difficult to get him to say it.

Or maybe he was just thinking optimistically a bit too soon: he knew nothing about Merlinite, after all.

“My… my name is… well. Anyway, I just have been hearing some things about you and I wanted to ask you about uh… can we go somewhere that’s not on the street like this?” Merlinite turned his head over his shoulder, masterfully avoiding the moment in that movement where he might have looked at Camelot directly, and instead tried to find somewhere they could go that was not so open to anyone finding them. Not that there was a chance for anyone powered up to miss Camelot’s aura, but Merlinite did hold the small hope that maybe his own was drowned out under the strength of his.

“Down one of these alleys?” Camelot offered. Usually he took his friends and allies into the library, but he could not quite make that leap with Merlinite yet, considering the Captain decided to not introduce himself. Whatever his reasons, Camelot would not push or pry, but still could not take risks like offering his identity as the librarian to someone still tied to Chaos.

He had family and friends to protect, as much as he wanted to help anyone who came to him.

Merlinite nodded stiffly and the two moved down into an alley a few streets away from the library. It was dark enough to make the Captain feel a bit more at ease, though he was sure the precaution was only to placate him, and would not do any actual good in the long run. Anyone who wanted to find him still could, though he had no reason to think anyone was looking. Yet. All this paranoia was making him… well. Paranoid.

Camelot tried to remain more at ease, to at least offer the feeling that he was safe. The Royal Knight had no intention of attacking him, after all, and had no reason to call anyone else to this impromptu meeting. Once they were situated in the alley, Merlinite leaning against the side of a building and Camelot standing a few feet away, his back to the entrance to the alley and facing a fence, there was a long pause before Merlinite tried to speak again.

“I… I guess I wanted to know… I’m not saying I’ll do it but I just wanted to know more about purifying…” the word was hard to get to, and even more difficult to say. He swallowed hard, a lump forming in his throat and refusing to move. Merlinite once again could not draw his eyes up from the ground, regret sinking in for even saying anything. What was he doing? Anything he said now was incriminating, and could easily make it back to Painite if he was not careful. Even if he was, would she be able to tell? She hated knights, particularly Camelot, so much, he wondered if she would just sense the encounter on Merlinite when he returned to her.

Camelot’s response was warm and patient, and he nodded his head evenly.

“I can tell you what I know.”

Merlinite finally looked up and watched Camelot hesitantly for a moment, then began to pace around the alley, trying to think of something to say, a question to ask that did not sound stupid or incriminating. Camelot’s eyes followed his movements, but he had a patient air about him that managed to ease the Captain a little bit. At length, Merlinite took a deep breath and stopping in his pacing, looking at the Royal Knight directly. As best he could, anyway. His gaze did shift around a lot, not lingering on Camelot’s eyes for longer than a few seconds.

“What… I mean… what does it do? What do you have to do? Do you… is it just trading one evil for another? I mean, if Chaos is going to corrupt me and I’m going to lose myself to it, like P… like other Generals, is Order just going to do the same thing, but in the opposite direction? I just want to be… me. Not something’s pawn.” He realized after he started babbling that he was being far too honest, incriminating himself completely, but it was too late to try to take any of it back. If Camelot had thoughts on the matter, he did not express them on his face, looking just as calm as he had before, and not surprised.

“By purifying, you will push the Chaos out of your starseed, and return it to the potential it had before it was corrupted. All people have the potential to awaken as a Knight, sleeping inside them. When civilians are corrupted into Negaverse soldiers, they are taken from that potential by an interfering force. That’s not to say everyone will become knights if left alone, of course, but the potential is there. Corruption forces them to become something, rather than being called on as needed, and awakening when the moment is right. Chaos is based entirely on force, while Order operates more on choice, at least for Knights and those that want to purify. We cannot force anyone to join our side from Chaos: It must be your decision. I think that’s pretty telling in itself, considering the Negaverse can steal whoever they want, often times against their will.”

Camelot shook his head, having some difficult memories with the corruption process, and the impact it had on those he loved, as much as the impact on himself.

“Now,” he continued, slowly, “when a Negaverse soldier does purify, they become a knight, which I’m sure you’re aware of. The Wonder that was lost to you when you were corrupted becomes clear, and your ability to link with it is restored. So even through corruption, nothing is lost forever, and purifying offers a way to return what was lost. Even if you never got the chance to experience it before. I can’t predict what your Wonder would be, or what planet you would be aligned to, but at the very least I can say you will awaken at the equivalent rank you are now. So if you, for example, were to purify, you would become a Squire.”

“Okay… that makes sense, I guess,” Merlinite offered feebly. He paused for a moment and Camelot waited, a question lingering in the air that he did not want to step on or chase off. Merlinite had to take a few breaths before he ventured forward. “What about… memories? I mean. I get the feeling that if I purify, I’ll lose myself anyway, and the whole point of trying to get away from Chaos will be moot.”

Camelot considered the worry passively for a moment, looking solemn and serious as he did so.

“With being changed from one side to another, no matter the direction, by force or by choice, memory loss does seem a constant issue. It seems different for each person, but as far as I’ve seen, it does not seem to impact all of their memories. I’ve seen the worst cases, where someone has been purified and then re-corrupted and lost almost all of themselves in the process, and others who lose only part of their memories. Sometimes it seems like they forget their civilian life, while others awaken as if they had never been powered before. It’s singular, and though I wish I could give you a definite answer, but on that front I just can’t. I do know, though, that whatever happens if you do purify, you will have the support of the Royal that awakened you, and would not be abandoned to figure things out on your own.”

Merlinite was not sure how to take that information, but at least it seemed like Camelot was being honest. Still, his faux-sister’s warnings about losing himself when he purifies, if he did, were at least partially based in fact, and he needed to consider things very carefully. What was worth more to him? Memories of who he was, or becoming someone he never wanted to be? If he purified, he could theoretically forget himself completely and live as someone else, but without Chaos. If he stayed, he knew he would become like Painite, corrupted and twisted, and wanting only to cause misery.

It seemed like a choice between forgetting his friends, or eventually wanting to kill them.

Not much of a choice.

“Does it hurt?” Merlinite was not too interested, really, in if it did or not. He was a tough guy, and it was not physical pain that scared him the most about all of this. In fact, it was probably the lowest point on his concerns list, as he had far too many other things to worry about than if he would suffer some momentary pain when he turned his back on the Negaverse. Like the never ending pain his General would put him through if she ever found out, before or after the fact.

“It does. The Chaos in your starseed has to be forced out, and while I’m sure you remember what it felt like when you were corrupted, though I have never experienced it, I’ve learned that it is something akin to that. Perhaps worse. I am not going to lie to you about any of this, so unfortunately, it will be painful as the Chaos is removed. But it won’t last, not longer than a few moments.”

Merlinite nodded his head, taking a long moment to try to digest everything he had heard so far.

He was sure there was more he wanted to know, but his mind was getting bogged down in all the information and the added worries and new concerns that were popping up the more he learned. While some of his fears were quieted, others were only made stronger, and new ones were added on. It was not an easy decision for him, and he was trying not to rush into anything. At least he was getting more comfortable with talking to the Royal Knight, able to hold eye contact with him for longer now that he was listening so intently. He was not really paying attention to much else, even his own anxiety.

At least regarding the knight himself. Everything else, of course, still terrified him just as much.

“How do you do it? If I had you… I mean. If I wanted you to… how does it work?”

Camelot smiled and decided he would do best if he stuck with explaining things, rather than showing the Captain the sword he would use for the process. Something told him that drawing it now would spook Merlinite too much, and send him running with the idea that purification meant getting stabbed.

“I use a sword made of crystal to purify Negaverse soldiers into knights. Once someone decides they want to join Order, I am at their service. If you’ve ever seen any movies or heard stories about Kings knighting men into their courts, that’s how the process goes. The Negaverse soldier, you, would kneel and I would touch the sword to your shoulders. The magic does the rest.” He would be left very weak and on the border of passing out or powering down after it, but that was something he, Camelot, had to deal with, and not what he wanted to trouble those struggling with the idea of purifying with. Like they needed to feel guilty about it, on top of everything else. And Merlinite was already extremely jittery.

The process did not seem too bad to Merlinite, as he thought about all the other options there were. Corruption, after all, was a direct process of grabbing on to someone’s starseed and pushing Chaos into it until they became a Negaverse operative. There did not seem to be any sort of way to calculate how much Chaos it took, and he always wondered how others knew what to do when they corrupted civilians. He heard that too much chaos meant being turned into a monster, or just dying.

Neither of those outcomes seemed particularly appealing.

“And then I would be a knight who might not remember anything about himself or his friends. Could I have someone there with me… if I needed the help?”

“Anyone you trust. I would caution against bringing any more Chaos, though… identities are precious, and you would want to be careful with your new one so soon after purifying.”

Merlinite scoffed.

“Yeah, no, I’m not going to bring anyone on Chaos. The only person I know is my General, and she’s too busy being a crazy kidnapper.”

The moment the words fell out of his mouth, Merlinite knew he made a mistake. His eyes widened just as Camelot’s did, both with realization, but of completely different brands. Merlinite stared at the Royal Knight, imagining quite suddenly a very terrible beating heading his way. What was he thinking, coming to the knight that was responsible for Painite nearly dying in the first place? He had already proven he was willing to kill, and the bad blood between Painite and Camelot would likely not be limited to just the two of them. Painite had kidnapped Navi, who was… Chaonis’ girlfriend? And Chaonis, according to Painite, was Camelot’s son. So she was already lashing out at his heart, trying to break them all down, one by one. It only followed that they would want to do the same, and take out those few people who were stupid enough to align themselves with Painite.

Merlinite could not, at the moment, think of anyone other than himself in that role.

Camelot realized this was the second hint Merlinite inadvertently dropped about his alliance, and put together that he very narrowly avoided saying Painite much earlier in the conversation, and Camelot had simply glanced over it. Now he was questioning everything, unsure what to think about this conversation now that he knew the two Negaverse soldiers were working together. That meant he had to know where Navi was, and was either here to distract Camelot, set up for some sort of a trap or ambush, or he was acting without Painite’s knowledge. Either way, he was not forthcoming with his name or very important information like who he was working with, and that put Camelot into a place of distrust.

Merlinite took a step backwards, but Camelot did not advance. He did not call his shield. Merlinite froze, and the world froze with him, the two of them stuck staring at each other for a long, silent moment. The worst did not come, though, and Camelot did nothing but put his arms down at his sides, his expression growing more serious and wary, but not necessarily aggressive. His air shifted, from the warm and welcoming knight from moments before to someone much more focused and untrusting. And he had every right to be, considering the mess Merlinite just made.

This was a mistake: he never should have come here. He knew Painite and Camelot were locked in this terrible battle, and everyone else was just fodder getting in the way of things. Painite used Merlinite for her bidding, and Camelot relied on his friends and family to help him. They were targets to be used against him, so why would Camelot hesitate to take out Painite’s helper?

Because he was a knight. And he had already made a promise.

“You work for Painite,” he said evenly, and Merlinite shuddered at his tone. He felt like dropping to his knees and crumbling into himself. It was like all the moments when his father, his principals, his bosses, and anyone else had ever been disappointed in him, all rolled into one shattering voice. “You know where Navi is. You have to tell me where she is, and if she’s alive. We have to rescue her.”

Merlinite shook his head slowly, taking another step back.

“No, listen. I can’t do that. You know what Painite will do to me if she finds out I was talking to you, let alone if I told you where she was! I can’t. She’ll not just kill me, she’ll make me eat my own arm or something! I can’t… I have friends too, I can’t let her… look, she’s just as scary to me as she is to you guys, and I don’t want to help her! I have to. She has no one else. I know you don’t understand. I’m… I’m doing my best to take care of the senshi, okay?”

Camelot shook his head slowly.

It was not enough. He needed to know where Navi was, needed a hint to go and find her, to save her from Painite and to stop the General once and for all. He had already failed once in protecting his family, and he would not do it again. If Merlinite knew where Painite was, then he had to share that information. Camelot was not the type to threaten, to use someone’s fears against them, or take advantage of a situation, but at the moment he was torn, and being pulled toward those terrible instincts. He had the upper hand: he was stronger, he was confident, and he was dead set on rescuing Navi no matter what. He promised it to his son, and to himself, to bring her home safely. He had only just met this Negaverse soldier, and while he swore to help him if he decided to purify, he could not let the previous conversation cloud his judgement. What if it was all just a ruse, to gain his trust? This could easily be some plan concocted by Painite, and Merlinite was simply playing his part.

And well, as Camelot felt a heavy weight of disappointment bearing down on his shoulders. He had been hopeful that a Nega was coming to him for help, because he honestly wanted to leave Chaos and become a member of Order. Now that idea was not only called into doubt, but nearly thrown out the window immediately. How could he trust this Captain now, knowing he had been keeping something so important hidden for the entire conversation?

“Listen, Captain,” Camelot said, as evenly as he could, but he could not prevent his voice from shaking. If it was anger or fear, he was not sure. The idea that Merlinite knew where Navi was, and if she was hurt, was distracting and made his heart leap into his throat. “I know you’re scared of Painite. I can see that you’re trying to be as honest as you can with me, and while I appreciate that, I have to know where Navi is. Painite, as you said yourself, is unpredictable, and if she keeps Navi any longer than she already has, I am afraid of what will happen. She is trying to rip my family apart, you must know that, and if you help her… purifying can’t absolve the choices you make right now.”

Merlinite was stung by the words, taking another step backwards, but this one was shaking and he stumbled on it, bumping into the wall he had previously been leaning against. He put his hand on it, clinging to the cold stones as if for dear life. If he let go, he worried he would fall down, or explode, or something likewise terrible and unpredictable would suddenly happen to him. This night was not exactly going the way he had planned, after all.

Not that he had come in here with a plan, and he should have.

Seeing the look on Camelot’s face was painful. The Royal Knight had been so willing to listen to him, so willing to share what information he had, to help Merlinite make his choice, without, it felt like anyway, trying to sway him into it. He knew that Camelot had a lot of vested interest in trying to make the Negaverse see the light, since he had the ability to purify them, but he had not been painfully obvious about it this whole time. Kind, and patient, that was all he was trying to be, and Merlinite had been taking advantage of him the whole time by not being honest. It was surprising just how guilty he suddenly felt, because he had come here with every intention of really learning about purifying. It was a shame that the Royal he came to for his information was also the one he was helping someone else try to destroy.

And it was pathetic to think that would not come back to bite him in the butt.

“I know. I’m not trying to… I’m not a good person, you know? I’m a coward, I know that. I’m seeing it more and more, but… that’s what I have to be. I’m just trying to survive, same as you guys, and if Painite finds out I was talking to you, she’ll have my head. No one is going to fight for me, like you guys are for Navi, and I get that. I haven’t made any friends or family.” That was not really true, but how could he count on Senshi, on Order, to save him, when he was just a Nega at the end of the day. He was just as evil as Painite, because he was allowing her to get away with everything she wanted to do.

He certainly was not trying to stop her.

And he did not think he was strong enough, as a person, to even try.

“If you tell me where Navi is, I can protect you from Painite. We can stop her, my son and I, but we need your help if you know where she is. We have searched this entire city and haven’t been able to find a trace. Are they in the city? Did Painite take her to the Negaverse? Just tell me anything you can, please. I’m begging you.” The Royal Knight’s green eyes were burning with intensity, and every word hit Merlinite like a truck filled with bricks. His legs wobbled and he shook his head slowly from side to side, blood running cold as conflict raged in his head. It was giving him a migraine, and he winced with every movement.

“I can’t! I… I don’t know. I have to go. Just forget I was here, alright? Please don’t tell any one! I’m a Nega, I know that. I can’t be anything else. I’m just like her already, and there’s no going back. You did this, you know! You tried to kill her and that made her what she is now! She’s gone crazy because of what you did! It’s not my fault she kidnapped your friend! I’m just stuck in the middle of all this, just like she is! Why can’t you two just deal with it yourselves and leave all of us out of it?!”

Merlinite had not been expecting to scream at someone so much stronger than him, especially when he came here with the idea of making a good impression and just asking a few questions. He just wanted to purify and find his place in the world, but it was clear to him now that he had no place. He was not good enough to be a Knight, and not evil enough to be a Nega. He was cursed to be trapped in between, struggling to deal with the consequences of all his actions, and the actions of everyone around him. Why was it his job to feel bad about everything?! Let everyone else deal with their own problems, and let him just go back to being normal.

He could barely even remember what that meant any more.

“If you just killed her like you tried to do, then none of this would be happening! She said you tried to break her in half with your damn shield, and you failed! I found her, crawling and writhing in pain in an alley, abandoned and desperate! Do you know what that does to a person? I mean, not just her, but to me?! I couldn’t just leave her there, could I? She told me who she was, and I took her home. I got her healed, I made sure she lived. I spent days fretting over her, holding her hand, keeping her clean and comfortable and fed, because I wanted her to live! I had no idea she would go bat s**t ******** insane when she was able to walk! I didn’t think she was even going to survive, let alone make life so ******** terrible for me! I was trying to be a good guy, I was trying to support my team, and now I don’t even want to be in this miserable place any more. I don’t want to fight other people’s battles, or have to see my friends and allies getting murdered! I don’t want to have to nurse someone back to health ever again, because people shouldn’t be doing that! If you kill someone, make sure they ******** die, you idiot!”

Camelot had experienced a similar rant before, by his own son, and was already well aware of the mistakes he made, regarding Painite. He was doing everything he could now to make up for those mistakes, and it hurt him to know that the only real way to ‘fix’ things would be to kill her. No one, he always told himself, deserved to die, and now he was really seeing the consequences of bringing their battle so far. Navi was kidnapped because of it, probably being tormented and hurt beyond Camelot’s worst imaginings, if she was even still alive at all. And this Captain, who had still not giving his name, was clearly suffering under the weight of all this fallout. He had been sucked into this unwittingly, and Camelot could see how desperately he just wanted to escape.

“I’m sorry,” the Royal Knight said quietly, making eye contact with the Nega at the end of his rant, “I never thought any of this would happen. With you, or Navi, or my son. I thought I was doing what was best for them, for everyone, when I tried to kill Painite. And I thought I had succeeded, believe me. If there was any doubt in my mind, I would not have left her. Perhaps if I had more time to think about it, if things had not felt so dire, and she had not pushed us all so far, my choice would have been better. There might have been another way. But I, like you are now, did only what I thought I had to do. I am asking you now to reconsider, to help me save an innocent person from suffering like you have, and stopping this from getting any bigger than it already has. I don’t want anyone else to have to go through what you have, what Navi has, because of my mistakes. Help me try to end this. If I can find Painite, and get Navi from her, then the two of us will be able to finish our battle.”

He spoke gravely, and his voice was shaking more now, making Merlinite shudder in return. It was unfair to blame Camelot for everything falling out the way it did: they all made decisions along the way, and no one was guilt free in any of it. Merlinite was making plenty of mistakes, and he could see them, but that did not stop him from making them.

Merlinite felt like he was going to vomit. His head was ringing with pain and his eyes were clouded with darkness clawing at the outer edges of his vision. He wondered if he was on the verge of a panic attack, or if he was well in the middle of one without even knowing it. He trembled and felt his knees weaken, slouching against the wall that had so far been his lifeline.

“I want to help you,” he said after a long, silent moment. He felt his face growing hot and his eyes stinging, tears threatening him despite the fact that he could not remember the last time he had cried. Had he ever? He was always too focused, too damned good for that. But now he felt pathetic, and vulnerable. He felt lost. “I do. I just can’t. I’m a coward. I’m pathetic. I just want to save myself first. But she’s okay. Navi. She’s hurt, but she’s not dead. I’m taking care of her, when Painite isn’t looking. I promise I’ll take care of her. I don’t want her to die any more than you guys do. I swear. I am trying… I just… I don’t have many options. I… I’m not a knight. I’m not… I’m not built to save anyone. I tried.”

And failed, he felt.

Camelot moved, but Merlinite was too broken down to run away now. He could only manage to look up in fear before Camelot was next to him, kneeling down beside him. The Royal Knight put a heavy hand on Merlinite’s shoulder, gripping it tightly, but without any malice. He forced Merlinite to look him in the eyes, which made another wave of nausea move through the emotionally battered Captain.

“I know you’re scared,” Camelot said quietly, his voice strained and low now, the weight of the conversation clearly heavy on him, as much as it was on Merlinite. Well, maybe not as much, but the Royal Knight was not unaffected by the Nega’s plight. “I know you’re doing what you think is right. Thank you for taking care of her. Please keep her safe. Please. Whatever else happens, Navi needs you now, and you need her. Keep her safe until we can find her.”

There had to be some compromise here. Merlinite was not going to tell Camelot what he wanted to know, though it was difficult for him to understand why. He had to try to be the bigger person, though, to understand the struggle Merlinite was going through and not blame him for his actions. It was not as selfish as it seemed to an outsider, considering how desperate Merlinite was to escape. His intentions in coming here were clearly his own, and honest, and he really did want to know about purification. It might be one of the few options he had left, to help him feel like he was a person and not just a pawn. But the fear of being Painite’s next target was all too real to him, and that was another thing Camelot had to come to understand. This was a Captain, after all, and he had no chance against Painite’s rank, experience, and determination for madness.

He was trying to keep himself alive, while doing his best to juggle a thousand other responsibilities.

“You don’t have to be a knight to save someone. You don’t have to be on Order to be a good man. You know what is right, and you have already done so much to help as much as you can. You saved Painite because you felt it was the right thing to do. You’re protecting her now because you must, and you’re protecting Navi for the same reasons. You are a good person, Captain. Don’t let your fears and the Chaos surrounding you make you believe anything else. You’re doing things right, and we will do our part. We’re going to find Navi, and Painite, and we’re going to save you, as well.”

Merlinite could hardly catch a breath as he listened to Camelot’s soothing promise, shaking his head. Tears were flowing down his face freely, though he paid them no attention.

He had other things to focus on.

“Merlinite. My name is Merlinite. And… they’re not in the Negaverse, or the Rift, or anywhere like that. They’re not in the city. You have to look further. I… I have to go back. I can’t be here any more. If she notices I’m gone, then there won’t be anyone for you to save.”

The Negaverse Captain struggled to stand, and Camelot supported him, rising slowly and helping Merlinite to his feet as they went. They stood for a moment, Camelot’s hand still on his shoulder, and neither moved until Camelot gave his shoulder a reassuring squeeze. Merlinite nodded with a sniffle, holding his head up, his chin shivering despite his efforts to man up about it. It was a bit late for that, but he did have a little pride left. With some effort, he put his hand on Camelot’s arm, not sure what he was trying to say with the gesture, then moved to step away from the Royal Knight.

“Thank you, Merlinite,” Camelot said, and it was his turn to bow. He nodded his head forward and bent slightly at the waist, offering Merlinite a show of respect and appreciation much like the one Merlinite had so awkwardly tried to show before. It was much more graceful, and Merlinite tried to return the gesture in kind.

“Don’t thank me yet…” he said, his own voice cracked from the emotional range it had been dragged through over the last few… minutes? Hours? How long had they been talking? “I’m sorry, Camelot. I really am.”

With that, Merlinite teleported away, shutting his eyes as he went. He did not stop teleporting until he had used up all his energy and collapsed somewhere in the forest near where the cabin was, though he did not have the will to get to it directly. He would need time to recover, on all fronts, first.