Hey guys, I've recently had some dysphoria issues. I like to imagine that my gender is a spinning game show wheel, and that everyday it's a surprise waiting for me. Am I gonna feel super femme? Super masculine? 20/80? 50/50??? Who knows!? I sure don't. I don't usually have problems with dysphoria, but sometimes on my masculine days, I do.
I did some soul searching about it with the help of my friends, and I realized that part of my problem is that I try to overcompensate when I wake up as a boy. I hate my body those days because it's "not manly enough". I suppress my female feelings because they're "too femme". I push myself to be harder, stronger, more stereotypically male. I've sort of figured out that I need stop putting my male self in a "one-size fits all" box and to accept every part of myself, which is pretty hard to do when I feel like a rugged man in a soft female body.
Does anyone else have similar issues? If so, how do you deal with them? I don't have a binder or a packer, so it's nearly impossible to look how I feel. Any help or advice would be appreciated a lot.
Posted: Thu Feb 19, 2015 5:29 pm
I've had this so many times before honestly. Cause when I'm out in public, it's hard to get a fixation on what gender is being represented.
Not only that, I've been told I'm too femme to be a boy. :c
I get "you'd never make it as a boy for (x-reason)" comments and it's really upsetting. Like, I'd literally still be the same person, just with different genitals. "but you'd get picked on/beat up/wouldn't fit it!" It's comments like these that make me feel like I need to be more "manly".
Posted: Thu Feb 19, 2015 10:20 pm
I originally struggled with my male identity -- and still do -- because I can't help liking things that only girls should like according to society. I like bright colors (Lisa Frank, anybody?), I like playing with my hair, I like taking cute selfies and bragging about them on the interwebs, and so on. I've been told by other people as well as myself, "How can you expect to be seen and treated like you're a boy if you don't act like one? How do you even know you really want to be a boy? You're too pretty/cute/fashionable/etc!"
For this, I turn to other cultures, particularly the Asian ones, and point out the colorful, effeminate male street fashions of Japan or the male idols in South Korea who wear guyliner, snuggle with their group members and make cute faces at the camera. They're just people with an artistic heart, not unlike you or me, and they've been male all their lives. Most of those who are allowed to date -- KPop is weird -- are dating females, at least as far as the media is concerned, and there's too many of them that do it to assume they're all gay. They're just guys having fun and expressing themselves, and if they can do it, so can we.
As for maintaining your image as a young man, try investing in a few loose sweaters or a couple lumberjack shirts. I have two links on the first page of my dormitory that might help; I personally found the second one a lot more useful and encouraging. As for binders, you can find some really cheap binders on Amazon made by Ancient Fish King. If you've got a slight build or have a smaller-than-average body type, they should work for you until you're able to invest in a legit, pricey binder from Underworks or such. I've been using the AFK binders for about a year and a half now and they work well enough.
Also consider that cisgendered people rarely wake up in the morning and think, "Am I a girl?" "Am I a boy?" They simply get about their day. That's what makes people on the trans* spectrum different: we feel like we have to ask ourselves these things. The truth is that we don't. Society has conditioned us to believe that every morning for a non-cis person has to start with a session of the Spanish Inquisition. Just trust in who you are and let everybody else figure it out the hard way.
If people keep giving you trouble, well... Send them one or two of these.
That sounds troublesome! I have one FTM friend who has (in their own words) developed a very narrow view on what being male is and he says it does put pressure on you and make your body- and social dysphoria worse. When they were in the process related therapy, even the psychiatrist told them "Well, you have a rather stereotypical idea of man, don't you?"
And I think it's pretty much your environment's / society's fault that you feel to need to overcompensate anyway, we should all be free to be who we are. I think Lawrence Eugene has a point with the clothing, get some really comfy clothes that suit how you feel and hide your curves, nice clothes make you feel amazing. You can use almost anything to pack, go wild, hehe. mrgreen (Well, e.g., a rolled up sock is a start!) I also have an Ancient Fish King binder, downside is that usually all the pressure is on one side of your body, but it does work well enough. It comes in Asian sizing.
I think you might get rid of this problem just when you deal with it with time. As I have identified as a male for many years, nowadays I don't think there's anything I can say/do/wear and be too femme, since I'm a guy anyway so it won't take away my masculinity, just adds some femme to it. (Tho I felt like a dragqueen when I played with some make up the other day but for me, it was just hilarious.) To sum it, we all just got to try to be the best versions of ourselves, I'm sure that on your boy days your rugged image can come through you just fine even if you're not build like a giant, practice, explore and have fun!
Posted: Sun Apr 19, 2015 7:46 pm
About 4-5 years ago I came out as genderfluid. As things went along I noticed that I was having more and more 'masculine'/male days. It eventually got to the point that I ended up (as I put it then) stuck in a male mentality for almost a year before I started to feel feminine again. About a year ago I started to do some real soul searching on myself and really think about who I am as a person. What I realized is that when it came down to it, I'd always been 'one of the boys'. I also had noticed that I was only really attracted to women or effeminate men (usually they were gay or bi). As I dug deeper and started to pick these things out I pretty much shook myself and had this conversation:
My gender: "Hey dumby why are you thinking that you can't be a guy?" Me: "I like still doing some girly stuff. I mean...I love baking and make-up. Guys don't like that stuff..." My Gender: "Really? Are you kidding? Guys don't like that stuff? What about gay guys? Or even just fem guys? Does that make them less of a man for liking those things? No! So stop being scared of it and embrace yourself for once!"
More or less I had to remember that my hobbies don't determine my gender even though society thinks that it should.
As an agender person I walk a weird tightrope of trying to find an equal balance of androgyny for myself that makes me feel comfortable. I tend to over-compensate with more masculine clothing items etc since unfortunately by society's current standards I'm far too femme passing most of the time to look like anything but a lesbian stereotype or a small 15 year old boy.
Unfortunately for me, my ideal out-ness is what I can only describe as a "femme-male" look. Which....for most people just isn't enough. It's quite annoying to be honest. I try my hardest not to sweat it though and just wear and do what I feel most comfortable in.
Prayin for the day the gender binary can be broken down and less things can have 'male' and 'female' tacked onto them so I can be androgynous in peace.
Posted: Thu Apr 23, 2015 7:32 am
Jumping on the train of guys with traditionally feminine hobbies and interests.
I haven't been too bothered by my feminine side since I transitioned, I was more bothered and bound to try and hide it before I did. Back then it seemed oddly wrong when the person looking back from the mirror in no way resembled the boy I felt I was. I needed to prove I wasn't a little girl who liked girly things.
It sounds funny after the fact, but I overcompensated my masculinity before I really knew I was a trans male and it stopped right around the time I found out I wasn't alone with this.
Those around me have helped a lot with this issue as well. Not even the people "in the know" have questioned my gender, even when discussing my hobbies and interests that are usually thought to be "girl-stuff". I'm very very thankful for that.
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