She'd never thought wielding a tiny thing would be that tiring, she knew she needed to train her speed and stamina more. The spar with the Sun trainee was fun but at the same time made her realized she could lose her composed self that easily. Being a hunter changed everything, sometimes she'd forget she was just a feeble human being. She could take away lives like a piece of cake, she would be thankful for the power given or curse it?
Still in her red hood, she looked skywards, the dagger randomly tossed on the bed.
Sometimes she didn't know which one she liked to be better, that was also why she kept a distance from everyone. Keeping links with others was too hard, too hurtful. A regular spar partner that didn't care about who she was, treating her like a complete strange, it made her comfortable. The Sun trainee would serve this purpose if nothing went wrong.
She then thought of another person she met.
Talking to the Death trainee began like an accident, she didn't afraid of anything as she thought she won't see him again. He was gullible though leery, she did put extra caution when she talked to him. A mild fear sprouted in her heart, she wanted to enjoy chatting with someone who didn't know her freely but at the same time, she wanted to leave, disappear from his sight.
She bit on her lips for the strife in her brain, turned around and curled up. That wasn't like her, she should be composed and carefree. She'd recalled the spar and took it lightly and had fun from them. Instead, she was lying on her small bed worrying things that she scared of. She growled in frustration, wrenched the vest off and her clothes, leaving only the camisole. She wrapped herself in the blanket, let her skin came into contact with the warm softness.
Where it started to go wrong?
Having the blanket over her head, she pondered in darkness. She was never afraid of the darkness, but she disliked a dark silent venue. Noise suddenly heard and light came in meant someone was coming, someone that the little she was scared of.
She hated night time, where nightmares visited as well as stupid thoughts like all those.
She could be aloof most of the time, when things not related to people she loved. She could make a deadpanned face at their suffering, think they deserved it because they made that choice. It might be her heart was numb a long while ago from all the hurts her parents gave her, it didn't feel so bad when her siblings were around. Till the day they were all gone, she thought her life would over, but the cruel promise kept her going. Like a failed structure stabilized by thin threads. She shouldn't make it, but she did, with just a simple nod when the blood dripped over her face, got into her face and slid down her face like red tears. Then wrapped away like paints by the tender cool hand.
She really shouldn't make it. It was the biggest mistake in her life.
Because of it, she implemented that plan when she woke up on the island. Because of that plan, she was stuck in a swamp. Nails dug into the blanket until knuckles turned white and her hands temporarily felt nothing. It was stupid.
Falling in love was stupid - getting own emotions drifted from that person regardless they care or not. Yet she did. The twitch was real, even she didn't want it. She only needed her sisters and brother, but no one else. It should be how it goes. She couldn't figure out the reasons she had that feeling but it affected her, making her feel like an idiot.
She bent up as small as she could, hoping to find a solution to fix all the mistakes she had made - didn't stop herself to develop relations with people, getting too involved in the lie she fabricated and letting herself to have a crush on someone. She made denials and excuses to all of them, all the emotions that drove her crazy and crashing her efforts to keep the status quo.
The eyes closed didn't gain the peace she sought, her mind was restless like a hurricane. How long could she hide her secrets before they find out? The balance was off. What would they react? Maybe they'd stare at her like she's a heartless monster, resembling her parents. She would still remember hatred and malice flared up in their eyes, piercing through her riddled soul. She was afraid to see that from them, if they chose that - if really.....they could do that to her, she would take the pain and move on, departed from their lives. It would unload all her burdens and worries-
No.
She shook her head painfully. She never lie to them, all her words meant what they meant purely. She didn't want to let go of the love, care and trust they had given her, even though they wasn't hers to belong. They all have someone who was more important than her. Just like the cheesy question that every lover would ask: If your mother and I fall into water, who will you save first? It was just cliched as that.
She never believe someone would love her more than her siblings, the unrequited love.
Whenever she reminisced the past days, the ugly scar on her leg sent a twinge of pain. It'd healed a long time ago, she shouldn't feel anything. She guessed the trauma was too much to forget, she wanted to tear the layer of flesh there off.
That was enough, she had duties to do in the early morning and they required her concentration. She pulled the blanket off and went to lock the door before she curled herself inside the blanket again, in a safe and warm position. Hopefully she could sleep, get rid of the nightmares with people she yearned to see again. In a bitter-sweet sense, it also brought agony and torment. The tiredness from the spars earlier finally kicked in, she felt her eyelids heavy. For a moment, she remembered she should get up and clean, yet her body didn't want to move. It could be waited until the morning came.
Pains and emotions subsided and faded away, her eyes opened and closed slowly and repeated until they didn't open again. Eventually, her body rose up and down slightly in a regular rhythm. The suffering of that night was lastly over.
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