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 Posted: Sat Jan 31, 2015 8:58 pm
This is not only our discussion for this week, but it's a Sticky in the Depot forum as well so you can talk here or there.
Many credit to Jean and Ryn for coming up with the discussion points for this. As always, add your own discussion points, but please keep it civil:
Best trans*-friendly social media platforms (and what to avoid)
Safe practices in terms of disclosure and privacy
Meet-ups and dating
Reporting and handling harassment
Safety when being out about yourself
Public etiquette that people follow.
Examples: Whether or not you correct name/pronouns or how you deal with people being rude and just ignoring it.
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Posted: Tue Feb 03, 2015 7:48 am
It depends on what people you're around in my opinion. With my friends in the trans community, I try to ask if they're out to their family yet and what the protocol on that is. Personally I try to always use gender neutral pronouns and avoid using names when it's unclear or we're in public just for their and my own safety. It's really hard for me to be around close friends whose families are not completely accepting, I recently spent a few nights with one of my closest friends and his family kept calling him by the wrong pronouns and by his birth name and there were several times I had to stop myself from beating some sense into them.
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TheCreatureOfHabit Vice Captain
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Posted: Wed Feb 04, 2015 5:05 am
Unfortunately, I don't have a lot of experience with social media platforms when it comes to trans*-friendliness; I've always simply identified as male on any social media platform I'm on and left it at that.
I hate to admit it, but I'm a huge pushover when it comes to pronouns and I rarely (if ever) correct people. However, once I've worked up the courage to trust somebody and ask them to use certain pronouns or a particular name when speaking to or of me, there's a strong feeling of betrayal when they break my trust and I end up either reporting it to the manager or HR (if we're at work) or confronting them about it face-to-face. There really is no excuse to continue using incorrect pronouns once the situation has been explained to a person, and even the infamous, "I can't see you as a _____/I've always known you as a _____," doesn't hold up.
Dating (in my experience) is massively complicated for obvious reasons. I've only come out to two people during relationships; both times, they didn't seem to really grasp the meaning of what I told them and I had to end things. Because of this, I'm waiting until after I transition to start dating again, so I'm not really the person to be saying what's to be done or not done concerning that.
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Posted: Sun Feb 08, 2015 3:52 am
I'm so lucky that when you refer to a third person in my native, it's a gender neutral term. Well it did happen that once we were discussing in English and one girl in the class referred to me as "she", I blacked out, I was just so confused "why would they call me 'she'?" that I didn't correct them... I also use a lot of "them, their" when I talk because if it's any way unclear to me, I just stick to that, since I'm not used to thinking about genders in speech that much.
Recently I've tried online dating, but ehh, it's hard. First I tried "transman" as an option, but some people assumed me to be a dude who likes to dress like a woman and who wanted to be addressed as one. So I changed it to a "man" and told in my profile that I'm going trough transition. Since I'm pre-op, I somehow feel it's easier to let them know than to anticipate whether they notice my chest or not. I do identify as a transman and I'm not sure if I want to live 100% stealth life, and I don't think it's possible if I want to date anyway.
I have some people I know in local trans community, and I talk about them as friends of mine. But the problem is that I might "out" them as trans, since my social circle is rather small, so I'm worried about it. I don't want to be like "so then J said---" Someone: "Oh, he's another transguy?" But I usually use nicknames and I don't refer to them as transpeople so I atleast try not to out anyone.
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Posted: Tue Feb 10, 2015 8:34 am
When it comes to just being out and social, I don't always correct people if they use the wrong ones. In the end though I usually regret that I didn't say anything or correct them because it doesn't feel good to be addressed with the wrong pronouns or name. I've actually had to cut a lot of people out of my life because of this.
With dating, I always try to be upfront about how I identify so this way there aren't any 'surprises' for the other person. If they can't handle knowing that at the beginning then they don't need to date me. There's nothing worse then getting a reply back that reads, "Oh thats cool. I don't care if you feel like a guy as long as you'll be a girl for me." -eye roll- When I get responses like that I just know they aren't worth my time.
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Posted: Tue Apr 14, 2015 7:50 pm
As far as social media goes, I've personally found tumblr to be the best for me. I mean hell, before tumblr I didn't even know what agender was so I thought there was just something wrong with me since I've always preferred 'male' things but never felt 'male' or 'female'. I've made lots of friends there, but the site can also be a pain. I have a bit of a love-hate with it.
As for pronouns I'm sometimes a pushover with it. It all depends on who it's with. I'm out with my mom, and I've learned to push with her and she's been pretty receptive. Friends, I try to remind them as most of them know and are supportive. When I was in school though, or in the work place I don't even bother because I'm scared of not being taken seriously. :/
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