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What is Wrong With Me?

OK, I'll make the first vent...

What is wrong with me lately? Its like I am becoming way too sentive about things. I have taken things personally twice now and have probably made some enemies, just because I felt the need to defend myself. It also felt like the people were judging me in some way. It so sucks! I am supposed to be changing, so why does it hurt a little and get me angry when people do that? Why am I taking it personally? Argh! I am so annoyed with myself at the moment. I am the type of person that has to defend themselves when it seems like someone is attacking me. Well, now I am that sort of person. Buy yeah, because I am like that, I end up making things worse...

I really annoy myself sometimes...

Judging by the fact that some of that is obviously directed at me... Temra, I'm sorry. I didn't mean to hurt your feelings with my comment... I'm just the exact same way you are, in the sense that I feel the need to defend myself even if I'm not even being insulted.

And I promise you - you didn't make an enemy. I still have more respect for you then pretty much any other person on this site. I am truely sorry if I made you feel that bad.

So cheer up, okay?

Erk!

That's two for *coughcough* meds *cough* and one against. I am currently undecided. ._.

My brother is an idiot. He's sitting over my shoulder right now, and we just had a bit of a row regarding computer use. I hate him; he makes me saaad. I wonder if he's reading this. It would be funny if he did, you know. 'Cause he's sitting right there and everything, not letting me get on with my real vent.

I hate my family temporarily. They're all so immature. *gets all haughty-like* >_>

Busdrivers! DIE

She makes me so mad! Last friday, the last day before winter break, the kids on my bus were really, I mean REALLY, loud. The only people not being loud was my other two friends that got off at my stop and some other people. Many of the loud kids get off with out such as a word, but when I get off at my stop, me and both of my friends get a lecture from the driver to stop being noisey. I didn't hear and I asked what I did wrong( in a calm, unangry manner, mind you) and she dosn't say anything. I ask again and she says; "well, first off, your arguing with me." WHAT? I just asked a question so I could fix the problem, which there wasn't. I had sat in my seat the entire time, looked forward, and talked quitely.

When I get back from break, today, I get called to the office and I get a bus referal. once again, WHAT? My vice princable read the notes to me. It said that I "Sat sideways on the seat, sreamed and teased the driver, talked loudly, that I goofed off and endangered the other riders, and it said that I was agresive when getting off" None of this is true. None of it! and the other friends at my stop all got the same thing as me. The only people that were quite were the ones that got busted. Now I have A.S.D. on thursday, and I'm one of the most disaplined kids at school and I'm not saying that to look good. I hate her.

So I'm talking with two pretty good friends over AIM. Conversations are going pretty well, when suddently, I am informed with dramatic capitalized letters that girl1's cat just walked over her art project ruining it. I make some comments to try and cheer her up, but instead of doing so, she tells me "I'm not dealing with this bull." and signs off (blocks me).

Then I talk to girl2 about this and try to present my case, but she just calls me a total a*****e and that I'm basically like this all the time. These bitches can go to hell.

What the ******** was I supposed to say? "z0MG ur cat is st00pid lol"? "Oh, I'm sorry?" I can't do anything to help the situation. I'm A THOUSAND MILES AWAY FOR ******** SAKE.

So now I've pretty much lost two perfectly good friends because one of them had a dumb cat with dirty paws. I hate girls so much. They're such BITCHES.

BURN IN HELL.

Those were pretty much the words I was thinking when I was getting an ajudication lesson from the ajudicator. Well...you know what the old hag did? It can be summed up in four simple words.

She. Criticized. My. Style.

YOU CAN'T DO THAT! You can tell me my trills were terrible, you can tell me that I made errors in my notes. You can tell me that my music didn't show through. What you can't say is, that I need to change my FREAKING STYLE.

"Try to avoid excessive fritissimo, it does not fit the style."

I'm not sure if she listened to my playing, but it is not excessive and it fits MY style. Not yours. Y'know what? YOU CAN BURN IN HELL.

Let me tell you, I played it much slower and much more 'sad' (uh...hello? It's a second movement. It's SUPPOSED to be slow...) which sounded really REALLY good. In fact, I played it excellent. Trust me, I know what it sounded like and it sounded really good. I played it WELL in MY STYLE. I didn't play it YOUR STYLE because I don't like it YOUR STYLE.

Also, the guy who played just before me played SO WELL. He was really REALLY good! He got silver. I got silver. He got one percentage higher than me. He deserved Gold. For sure. I deserved gold, perhaps. Everything that my teacher told me to do she criticized. My teacher is very VERY good. He's been playing a LONG time and he knows what he's doing. He trained me, last year and I got an 86. You know why...? BECAUSE I DIDN'T HAVE THE AJUDICATOR THAT WAS ON CRACK.

But you know what? I don't care. I like my style and it's going to stay that way. It's going to stay the way that my music envelops me and comes straight from my heart. I am a great artist. She is a crappy ajudicator. Next time, try and actually know what you're doing before you critique other people?

There was a time once in my life, in 6th grade more specifically, where peer pressure actually had it's effects on me, and the end result was pretty disastrous.

To sum it up, I had a friend who was remarkably unpopular among the other kids, and everyone always questioned why I was his friend. Essentially, the unpopular friend, and two of my other friends got in a really big argument, and then both sides turned to me for their support. In this particular case I really thought the unpopular friend was really off base, so I went to him in confidence and told him how I felt, and that it really wasn't anything personal, it was just the particular instance held him in the wrong. So he proceeded to take it personally, calling me an "untrue friend" and we basically never spoke again (he moved 6 months later, for reasons related or not, I do not know). After this incident, I promised myself that I would not lose friends over arguments that did not involve me, and that should I ever be faced with a similar situation, I would leave the affair to the offending parties. I made a mistake, and I readily admit that, but I tried to learn from it.


So of course, history has come to repeat itself. Recently, some of my friends had a remarkably petty argument, and obviously both sides told me about it. Now as they told me, I interjected immediately that I wasn't going to mediate this fight because there was no way in hell I was going to be caught in the same position as I was six years ago, and I even went through the trouble of explaining the afforementioned story in great detail and how it I did not want to lose friends over something that didn't involve me. I got what I believed to be understanding on that point.

Well, the fight got worse, and for several months, neither side has spoken to each other. However, recently, I was speaking to one party, and it came up that I was also concurrently speaking to the other side of the argument. Party 1 proceeded to defend their actions in an incident that had literally happened months ago, and I told them quite plainly that I did not care, that I was neutral in the matter, and that to say anything would be to meddle in the issue, which I promised I would not do.

And then they got angry at me. Not because I was still friends with the other party. Not because I hadn't voiced my support for them during the initial stages of the argument. Because I had promised that I wouldn't intervene in the matter. Apparently, I had displayed remarkably weak moral fiber in not trying to reconcile my friends and act as peacemaker, and now they thought less of me, and they thought I was supposed to be a better person than that.

WHERE THE HELL DO THEY GET OFF? They act like a ******** moron. And Im the one who's a bad person? I WASN'T EVEN INVOLVED. I offhandedly mention something and *I* have weak moral fiber? I didn't intervene because it's not my job to pry into the every happening of my friend's lives, especially when doing so threatens our friendship. And now, here I stand, six years after I swore I would do the right thing if history ever repeated itself, and, now, after doing it, I stand to get ******** anyway.


I'm going to try to reconcile. It infuriates me that a situation that never once involved me threatens to disentigrate years worth of friendship that I would not trade for anything. But still I'm going to try. I doubt they're going to understand my point of view, and I'll probably have to lie and admit fault to reestablish communication, and then I'd have a friend I didn't really care for. I've probably arrived at the exact same outcome I had six years ********>