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Posted: Wed Nov 19, 2014 11:50 pm
It had just been time. A month after returning to her own past, she couldn't resist the pull any more. She had needed to see it with her own eyes, just the way she had needed to see everyone she remembered to settle in her own mind that yes, the world had been reset and the damage undone. It probably made no logical sense to anyone else, but to Orah, each confirmation was one more piece of herself she had been missing before. It was impossible to truly explain to anyone, because no one felt the way she did. Chariklo came the closest, but it left the young woman feeling very alone in this world with no one she could really talk to.
Leaving a note for Arian about being gone for most of her day off, Orah had gotten into the old Ford Taurus her father had gotten her when she moved out and she had followed the map in her mind to a place in the middle of the undeveloped area outside of the city. Every mile she drove seemed to twist reality, returning her to a time she remembered in a past that was also her future. The roads were the same... the trees were the same... the sky and the clouds and the dying of the bustling noise she was so used to in the city.
Tires crunched on gravel when she finally pulled off the free way to a rest stop that was little more than a cement bathroom facility beside a groomed picnic area. The paint was new and bright still, the grass browned from the change of the seasons... No one had graffiti-ed the doors yet, cryptic signs pointing the way, but she didn't need it. She knew the way too well. Tugging her winter coat up around her neck, Orah dug her hands into her pockets with her keys and turned her back on the road, setting off at a pace that was comfortable for legs not used to long bouts of walking. Time melted away as the trees surrounded her, civilization fading with distance to be replaced with the sound of wind in the trees and bird song. It was only once she felt she had put a safe distance between herself and the rest stop did Orah pull out her pen and lift it into the air. The place she was looking for would take hours to reach without power, so she called on her planet and let the glowing petals form the flowers and cloth of her fuku.
The ground passed in a blurr as Ida put the sun at her back and ran, dodging trees with the ease of practice in this form. She counted minutes as she went, trying to keep the right direction when obstacles forced her to detour. The camp had never been entirely easy to find and picking out its precise location before it had even been established stretched the memory of it to the point Ida very nearly passed through and out the other side before a strand of trees caught her attention and she slowed, white boots coming to rest near the center of her memories.
All around her, trees stood tall and silent, nothing marring the underbrush to suggest there had ever been anything here. There hadn't of course, not yet, but as she looked around, the shapes of things called up memories in Ida that built a tension in her chest, expanding as more and more of the order HQ came to life in her head.
There is where the fire pit used to be, where Herger hummed me to sleep. There is where the tents were, and the mess hall. Trees did not change so much in five years... they grew taller and broader, of course, the undergrowth changing the landscape, but there is a general, sweeping look you tend to remember of a place you lived for any significant amount of time. There in the wilderness, Ida could see the ghost of her life all around her and she turned with suddenly heavy steps for a place she knew better than all the others, a feeling of elation and dread mixing weirdly inside of her. It was getting harder to breathe and she had to force her lungs to fill and empty at a regular pace.
There, between those trees... that's where the hospital stood...
Then suddenly there was screaming coming from all around and Ida felt wings both light and heavy on her back, a long dress sweeping around her ankles. Asphodel flowers bloomed all around her feet and she grimaced as she threw her hand up to call her bow.
"Heavenly Orchid Arrows!" Ida called as she set one loose, right at the blue-haired ascended that had shown her a false image of her dying brother. She had to get to the hospital... the red flare had gone up and that meant the enemy had breached the defenses. Naeryofjord was calling her name, he and Hvergelmir had gotten ahead of her while she was trapped in the ascended's magic. Her power level dropped as she settled back into her eternal fuku for mobility and Ida ran for the hospital, bursting through the flaps to chaos and people panicking. This was wrong, all wrong... they'd practiced this! She had drilled them over and over again on the evacuation plan, but when the real attack came, everyone just fell apart.
Gathering herself up, Ida began to shout orders, calling people back from their terror with her own calm assurance. She knew what to do and how to do it... if she had to command every last person to get them safely through this, she would. As the lines began moving again, making for the mirrors, Ida was finally free to join her friends and the sight of a tar-covered Amytis broke her heart all over again.
"Naer, what happened?" Ida said to the empty grove of trees, her hands reaching for something only she could see. Behind her, the shattered remains of the bush she'd blasted with her eternal attack wept torn leaves into a pile on the ground.
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Posted: Mon Dec 01, 2014 3:27 pm
Wind rustled through the trees. A few late leaves, golden-orange shimmering to brown, lost their tenuous hold on their branches and fluttered through the air around her. It was strange, coming here after such a long time. Strange, when logic dictated she'd never been here before. For a while, she'd wandered through the woods, amazed by the newness of false memories it stirred; none of it had happened, not yet, but she remembered it as though someone had taken the path of the future ahead of her and folded it over onto itself, so that it was overlaid onto the past, all one in her mind. It all felt very real, like she'd experienced it: but here Laney was, tongue in her head, heart still beating in her chest, and with a familiar warmth in her left arm that said the seal of her wonder still bound her to her oath. None of it had happened, yet. The trees still stood. The sky still shone blue through the canopy. The tents had not been raised. Are there not still fireflies, the poem came to her, swimming out of memory. Are there not still four-leaf clovers? Is not our land still beautiful, our fields not full of armed enemies, our cities never bombed to oblivion, never occupied by iron armies speaking iron tongues? She drew her hand across the trunk of a tree. In her mind's eye, it was only a stump, cut flat to the ground -- lumber cleared to make room for where the mess tent had once stood. Laney put her hand to the bark, feeling out the realness of it, the complex texture. It existed right now. It -- this -- was real. She turned and sat in the crook of its shadow, staring up into bare branches and a parched late-autumn sky. " ' Are not our warriors still valiant, ready to defend us?' " she recited to herself, voice low and personal. Laney wondered why she'd come here -- but she'd had to come, all the same. Had to see it for herself. And she didn't wonder at all why she'd waited so long. There were a few acorns on the ground nearby. Laney scooped them up and rolled them absently between her fingers. " ' Are not our senators still wearing fine togas? Are we not still a great people? Is this not still a free country? Are not our fields still ours, our gardens still full of flowers, our ships -- ' " She was interrupted in her little idyll by a sudden, loud series of sounds coming through the trees in the distance. There was a heavy thudding, like a large animal running -- then an explosion of power and a voice, a voice Laney knew -- Her heart skipped a few beats, then the adrenaline kicked in -- And it was Hvergelmir Squire standing there, acorns clutched in hand, tripping over a loose tree root before catching herself and moving into a dead run toward the sound. Her dress fluttered in her wake, and she wondered what was going on, why Ida was here, why she was yelling. There were no other power signatures in the area -- what could have happened? "Ida!" Hvergelmir called out, running toward the noise at full speed, an odd tension and nervousness in her heart. "Ida, what's wrong?" When she arrived, she had even less idea. No one seemed to be there except for the eternal senshi herself. If there had been a Negaverse agent, they must've teleported before Laney had assumed her powered form. If it had been a youma, it must've been dead. Whatever had scared Ida into discharging her magic, Hvergelmir could find no sign of it. "Are you alright?" she asked, nearly out of breath.
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Posted: Mon Dec 01, 2014 7:38 pm
They fed Chariklo magic to ease her pain enough to function, to get everyone out. Grieving would have to wait, because there were still so many people to take through the mirrors to safety... they needed the power of a princess, or there would not be enough strength to take them all.
It was only once the dark mirror princess was moving that Hvergelmir pulled her aside with Naeryofjord. The delicate hands moved with surety, saying things she didn't want to accept, but must. Her sense of duty was too strong... she couldn't abandon the people who counted on her. It didn't make it any easier though... But soft kisses were delivered in farewell, flowers given. Even as she turned away she knew she'd never see them again, but there were shouts and crying in the medical tent, magic used against the unarmed and no time to indulge in feeling the pain. She had to get them moving again, through the mirrors to safety... and then the last flare, the green to signal a successful retreat...
And the tent walls faded around her, leaving Ida staring at a peaceful woods in late November. Someone was calling her... had been calling her... Ida drew a ragged breath as she remembered where she was, darting a panicked look around. God, what had that been? It had felt so real... fear made her heart flutter in her chest and she wrapped her arms around herself, struggling to breathe.
This was more proof, wasn't it? Waking up with all these supposed memories, knowing she had lived through them even as everyone around her thought them only visions, prophecies at best... Now she was hallucinating, thinking herself back in the camp, reliving the things she remembered... There was no other way to explain all of this.
Brown eyes filled with self-loathing found the one thing out of place here and Ida felt another surge of panic... Hvergelmir, pale as a ghost amid the shades of brown and grey. For a moment, she was afraid she was hallucinating again, but there was no screaming, no sounds of struggle and... this was a younger girl than she remembered. Fuller, softer... and her face unblemished. It had been so long since she had last seen this woman as a Squire.
"Hvergelmir? Why...? What are you doing here?" So many mixed emotions... Ida wanted to turn and run away, wanted to rush forward and sweep her up in a hug... wanted to fall down in a heap and cry until she dissolved away. She had wanted to see her so badly for so long, but at the same time, she had been terrified of it. Was she mad at her? Disappointed? Did she remember anything, nothing? Did she blame her for what happened, or would she try with misplaced kindness to reassure her the way Chariklo had? Did she remember their parting and the certainty of death that finally pulled an admission from her? She was almost afraid she did. As much as Ida wanted to do something, itched to move... she was stuck in place, torn too many ways to know what to do any more.
Are you alright?
"I think I've gone insane." She whispered, her voice thin and forlorn, but resigned.
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Posted: Wed Dec 03, 2014 1:07 pm
The confused way Ida was looking at her caused Hvergelmir a great deal of worry. It was as though she was focusing in from some place very far away, and then initially not quite recognizing what she saw . . . Neither of those things were very good signs. Worse still were the words that followed them, piling fear upon dread. Concern -- and something else, some feeling in the pit of her stomach that stemmed from some other lost bit of memory (Past? Future? She didn't know.) -- welled up and was enough to propel her forward, very close into Ida's personal space as though she had a long-standing right to be there. She caught the other woman's warm-featured face between her hands and said, soothing and serious, "Shhhh, no, it's alright. You're not going insane. I won't let that happen." She didn't know or understand what was going on with the other woman, but though it frightened her, she stayed where she was, as solid and steady as she could manage to be. If Ida was here, it had to be for the same reason Hvergelmir had come here. To see it for herself. "Don't be afraid. That future is very far away. We don't belong to it." It was the sort of thing Carmine was fond of saying. Those were his ways of reassuring her when she was avoiding doing something because she was too anxious about the outcome. He was good at reminding her that while anxiety was binding her, it wasn't helping her, and she had to let it go. And sometimes she even managed to. Bluefire Dragonz LMK if the touching is a problem <3
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Posted: Wed Dec 03, 2014 6:10 pm
The young woman reached for the hands that closed around her face, wrapping her fingers around Hver's wrists to reassure herself that this was real, that this was reality and not some trick of the mind. She could feel the warm hands on her cheeks and the slender bones between her fingers... The gold eyes she knew so well were watching her with worry and in her mind, the squire's signature shone cheerfully. Hver was here, they were in the woods, and she was okay. Ida had to repeat it like a mantra before her chest loosened up.
She has such a beautiful voice... It's been so long since I heard it.
"I was thinking about the hospital and then suddenly I was back there during the attack... It felt so real." She managed finally. "It wasn't, I know I wasn't really there, but it felt like it. Everything has just felt so out of place since I woke up at the apartment..."
How much did Hver remember? Did it even matter any more? Maybe searching so hard for people who remembered the way she did was just a hunt for proof that she wasn't loosing her mind.
"I remember living every moment of the next five years like it actually happened, and when I died, I woke up here and it was like nothing had happened... Everyone else only remembers some of it, bits and pieces. Maybe my brain just made it up, trying to fill in the spaces between the bits. Arian... Athene is worried about me, but I can't talk to him about this. He doesn't understand. No one understands, so I couldn't tell anyone, but I have nightmares and nothing feels like it means anything and now... I'm seeing things, reliving the moments I'm trying so hard to forget. I thought maybe if I saw everyone and came here to see the camp, things would start making sense again, but they don't, they're worse. I just want it all to stop..."
Was this how her Da had felt, all those years ago? It wasn't the same thing, really, but the desire to make it all end... She never thought she'd understand that feeling. Hver was here though, warm and caring. It didn't hurt so much with her here. She could tolerate this, if she could just calm down enough to breathe. Shazari touching is never a problem! <3
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Posted: Sat Dec 06, 2014 2:47 pm
"Shhh," Hvergelmir said again, brushing Ida's hair back with the tips of her fingers. "Just breathe for a little while. Stay here with me. No one's going anywhere." She held the other woman patiently in her arms like that, trying to draw her closer forward into a hug, if she could settle down enough to relax into it. It must've been difficult, to be Ida, to be in the situation she'd described. Hvergelmir's memories came back to her in a progession of steps, and she'd pieced a good deal of them together by now, but she couldn't imagine how frightful it must've been to bear it all in one unnerving experience, or to have it revisited upon her in the form of a hallucination. "It sounds like your memories are fighting you," she said in a calm, lullaby voice. "You're trying to forget them, but they don't want to be forgotten. Your heart knows they contain something important that you just haven't figured out yet -- and the harder you try to bury them, the more they'll fight for your attention. Just relax for a while. Relax and stay in this moment with me, right here. You're okay, alright? I've got you." How much of her own advice had Hvergelmir actually listened to? Maybe not all of it -- but she wondered if that was what had brought her to this place, too -- the feeling that she hadn't been truly facing her memories. The feeling of deliberately avoiding making decisions based on them, real honest decisions, when that had to be what they'd all been given these memories in order to do.
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Posted: Mon Dec 08, 2014 2:55 pm
The feel of fingers on her face brought lashes down to lay like dark smudges on her cheeks and Ida took a deep breath, her chest expanding and contracting as she let it out again. It took some of her tension with it, but under it all was still that pervasive anxiety.
I've missed you so much.
This was not how she had wanted to see Hvergelmir again. She wanted to be strong and confident and graceful... Someone the other woman wanted to see, not someone she had to pick up and put back together because she was too kind to leave her a broken mess. She let the gentle pressure pull her into a hug and her hands fell from wrists to waist in a natural motion as she turned to press her cheek to a bare shoulder. She felt solid and real, if not as broad as Titan.
I don't know what I'm doing anymore.
Hver was saying something about the memories, but she was having a hard time focusing on it. She had thought she could do something, find some way, but it only felt like she was spinning her wheels, going nowhere. Nothing truly felt like it was making a difference. Now these visions (hallucinations? Memories?) were making her doubt everything. She had truly thought she was there, but the sad bush was evidence that she hadn't gone anywhere and had even attacked something that wasn't there... What if someone had been there? God, what if it had been Hver and not the bush?
Ida's hands tightened in the starfall cloth, sudden anxiety making her breath hitch. What if it happened again? What if she hurt someone? She had never learned how to deal with anything like this... Who could she even talk to who she could trust wasn't working for the Negaverse?
Relax...
Hver was here, though... Against all odds. Despite time and distance. She didn't know why, but the touch, the prescience... It was something to cling to, like that time with Chariklo, like with Titan.
"What are you doing here, Hver?" She said finally, feeling exhausted. She wanted to go to Ida suddenly, to home and safety. Nothing on Ida could hurt her and she wouldn't hurt anyone either. It was timeless and perfect, even in the future memories.
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Posted: Tue Dec 09, 2014 8:35 pm
Holding onto Ida seemed like an unearned gift -- something she felt, guilty, she hadn't actually put in the work to deserve, in this lifetime, but one of life's graces, for that. She didn't want to let go. Hvergelmir liked holding people, being held by them -- and Ida was nice to hold. She was soft and warm and she smelled good, and she leaned in rather than pulling away: all positive traits in a hug with a pretty girl. What was more, Hvergelmir could feel a familiar longing, here with Ida -- one that felt old and well-rooted even though it had never really had time to be. Their future may not have been real, may never have happened, but -- for Ida, it had. For Hvergelmir, enough of it seemed to have that she could feel it in her chest nonetheless. And if that was so, then what did it matter? Who was to say they shouldn't be here together? Ida was settling down, which was a good thing. Then, briefly, something seemed to spook her, and they had to start over -- that was alright, though. Laney had had plenty of panic attacks in life; from an outside perspective, it was much easier to remember that there was no rush and it was no real bother. Thus, she waited -- calmly rubbing circles over Ida's lower back till she started to untense again. "You'll laugh when I tell you," she said, smiling into Ida's shoulder.
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Posted: Thu Dec 11, 2014 10:32 am
The gentle rubbing along her spine, the warm arms around her... they did the trick, soothing and calming Ida until she felt her breathing settling into something normal. She may have let it go on longer than was strictly necessary, but was there really a reason to make her stop? It felt good, both physically and emotionally, and she needed it. If Hver was happy to hold her, she was happy to be held.
"I might, but its probably worth a try." She said as she turned to tuck her face more securely against the offered shoulder, unable to help the small twitches at the corners of her mouth just from the playful statement. "Did you lose an earring around here while attempting to convince a youma of the benefits of a vegan lifestyle?"
It was the most ridiculous thing she could think of just at the moment. It was a weak sort of joke, but it made her feel lighter none the less. The idea of Hver in her white dress, either trying to talk reason to a youma, or traipsing around the woods with her skirt gathered up in her hands while searching the leaf litter... the visual image was amusing.
It also called up memories... better ones than what she had been avoiding. The first time she had invited the other woman to work at the hospital with her, knowing how at a loss she was... The way she looked with her hair falling down at the end of a long day, tired but happy. Chasing Herger out of the med tent when he came with some small gift for Hver, hearing the laughter... Not everything she remembered was bad, and it was maybe something she needed to hold onto.
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Posted: Thu Dec 11, 2014 11:00 am
Hvergelmir relaxed, letting out a delighted sputter of a laugh. In general, she was an easily amused person, and most jokes tended to find favor with her -- this one being no exception -- but in this case, what really prompted her particular delight at the moment was the fact that Ida was able to joke at all. It was so hard with her -- Ida had always seemed, to the Hvergelmir of the future, to be at once both stable, in control of things, and also troublingly depressed, fighting to hold it together. It was hard, when you were used to a person in that kind of state, to suss out whether they were leaning more toward the former or the latter at any given moment. A few minutes ago, Ida had been at the end of her tether, caught in a hallucination, terrified -- now she seemed more at ease. It was a sobering reminder that this was the Ida she cared about: trapped within some dark reality in her own head, looking through a distorted lens and never able to lend any credit to the things other people tried to say to her. Capable of caring about others, but always hating herself. Hvergelmir had never had any success at getting her to change. "Not quite," she said to the senshi with a smile. "I just thought -- I lived here, we all lived here, for years. And you could be surprised how loud it always was, so many people sharing the same space, but we were still always careful not to be too needlessly loud. And with my injury, I never..." She shrugged, letting that sentence trail off. "This place is sort of sacred in my memories. It's terrifying, I guess, like it's this sacrosanct place, where I died. It feels like I'm trespassing here even if there's nothing here yet, you know? So I just came out here thinking I'd scream my head off and break the illusion, that's all. My, um..." She omitted the word therapist, never sure how that would go over with people. "Someone told me we all make up laws in our minds about how things are, and sometimes we're making roadblocks for ourselves that aren't really there. So when you realize you've made up a mythology about something, you have to debunk it for yourself." She thought, briefly, of Kerberos, convinced he was some kind of lost cause. Ida was like that, Hvergelmir noted. She'd constructed a mythos about herself and interpreted the events of reality to suit it. Hvergelmir shrugged again, not letting go. "I don't know. I just thought it might help me work through it."
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Posted: Thu Dec 11, 2014 12:49 pm
The laugh was nice to hear and it brought a small smile to Ida's face where she hid it. It was strange to be smiling right now, with so much still weighing on her mind, but it was hard not to. The small things were the most disarming, poking the smallest holes into the big cloud of emotion to let the air out of it. Suddenly, things weren't so bad, or maybe just easier to bear for the moment.
She remembered living here. The way the tents were set up to try and control the noise, keep it away from where people tried to sleep. Her own had been set apart, closer to the medical tent than most cared to be. She'd gotten used to the noise and preferred the ability to stumble safely to the Oasis in the middle of the night if an emergency arose. Her tiny one person tent... There had never been a reason for a larger one and she'd liked the cozy space.
Ida lifted her head as her smile fell away, remembering other things. For the first time since the memories, since realizing Hver was here, she took the time to actually look her over. So different than what she was used to, but also the same... like someone had taken an eraser to buff away all the changes that had taken place. Tentative, she lifted a hand to run her fingers down a smooth cheek, tracing missing scars with pads that had known them well. All her magic, no matter how many times she'd gotten Hvergelmir to sit through it, had never changed them one bit. The Idan crystal had done so much healing, but this was something she had had to accept was beyond it's power.
"This place always felt like home to me." She said softly. Standing so close together in the quiet, there was no need to speak loudly. "Not like Ida feels, but like a place I had chosen as my own, you know? Familiar enough I probably could have walked it with my eyes closed. Functional and where I was useful, where I had a purpose. After... after, it had this dark cloud over it in my mind. I wanted to see it, but I was afraid to. I was less afraid of disturbing it so much as... afraid it would look the same as the last time I had seen it."
Her expression darkened, turning inward again. "That last week... abandoning the camp... it tainted everything. There are so many good memories here, so many things that I want to remember fondly, but its all overlaid by that. I came here because I wanted to see if it looked as dark as it feels in my mind, but... its just a place. Everything has been erased and it feels... innocent and empty. The only blood and tar that remains is in my head."
"I think your idea sounds like a good one." The corner of her lips quirked, her mouth ever as mobile as her emotions. "I'd prefer it if you didn't... scream, though. Sing me a song, recite a poem... something light, or silly. Maybe something everyone would have stared at us for."
Ida hadn't sung since returning... and even before, only at those rare moments when she'd felt safe and happy. Counting supplies as she made her lists, puzzling out a tough problem, working on something out of her crafting bag... the moments when she'd felt most like herself again. She missed that feeling. Being a senshi, becoming a nurse... so much of it weighed down the light heart she used to have. She could hardly remember what it had felt like to be that new senshi girl who had avoided fighting and never attacked first.
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Posted: Sat Dec 20, 2014 12:07 pm
Hvergelmir stepped back, sliding her arms down until she was holding onto Ida by both hands. "It was home for me because my friends were here," she affirmed. "But that was never the trees and the grass. This isn't a planet or a wonder -- it's just a place. The only magic here is what we put into it, and none of that's gone. You're all still here, now, and that's what matters. What made this place special was always you." Ida, she realized, didn't understand. Hvergelmir didn't want to commemorate their lost lives with a song or a dance or a silly poem. She didn't want to chase away her unhappy ghosts with happy ones -- she wasn't here to brighten something dark by bringing some light to it. She wanted to scream. She wanted to rage and rail and tear at the bark of trees. She wanted to vent her frustration -- her sorrow -- her anger for everything that the world insisted was going to happen if they stayed on this course. She didn't want to be happy . . . she wanted to be angry at something. But that would have to wait, she supposed. Ida was here, and she clearly would've found something like that disturbing. It wasn't the sort of thing people looked for from Hvergelmir -- she could tell. And she didn't want to scare someone she cared about. So, instead, she set it all aside. Another time, another day. What she wanted could wait. Hvergelmir lifted Ida's knuckles to her lips, then said, " 'Whose woods these are, I think I know. His house is in the village, though; he will not see me stopping here to watch his woods fill up with snow. My little horse must think it queer to stop, without a farmhouse near, between the woods and frozen lake, the darkest evening of the year. He gives his harness bells a shake to ask if there is some mistake.' " She lowered her voice to a whisper, leaning in a little. "' The only other sound’s the sweep'," Hvergelmir paused to flutter her fingers through Ida's hair, then brush them featherlight over her shoulder, " 'of easy wind and downy flake.' " She let go again, stepping away. A last leaf was clinging, deep brown, to a nearby branch. Hvergelmir plucked it down and twirled it between her fingers. " 'These woods are lovely, dark and deep, but I have promises to keep. And miles to go before I sleep." Robert Frost was easy, simple -- but it was one of those poems most people were familiar with, and one of the first ones she'd ever memorized. She assumed it would translate well for company.
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Posted: Sat Dec 20, 2014 5:56 pm
Ida stood quietly as Hver moved, letting her take her hands and listening to her speak. An ache filled her chest as lashes lowered, a deep, long standing want reminding her that it had never really gone away. She wanted to be something special... she wanted to be what had made this place a home, even though she knew Hver meant all of them and not just her.
In the back of her mind, there was plenty of screaming to fill the woods... the screaming of people in the hospital and outside of it as they fought and struggled and died. She had heard enough screaming for a life time and was quite glad not to add Hvergelmir's voice to them.
The poem Hver chose to recite pulled Ida's eyes up again and she listened in silence as the words came forth, coating the woods around them in a layer of white, the imagined sound of bells pushing away the sounds of war. She felt lips against her fingers, something she had felt before, and then hands in her hair. Familiar hands... familiar lips. Emotion welled up inside of her and as Hver stepped away, she took what warmth there was the way the sun takes it when it hides behind a cloud.
Brown arms wrapped around herself as Ida's lips moved, following the words of the familiar poem. And miles to go before I sleep...
"Hver... I'm going away." The young woman said softly into the quiet.
She hadn't even realized she'd made the decision until the words had left her, but with them came a deep calm, steadying her breathing and the way she had been trembling. The rightness of it settled her, as did the knowledge that she finally knew what to do. Her lips pressed together as plans already began to form... tasks she would have to complete to do this right. Her affinity for lists came to her aid once more.
"I don't know when I'll come back. I need... something. I don't know what, but its not here." Titan was right... I'm bleeding inside, and have been for far too long. Its not healing and I'm afraid it won't as long as I refuse to face it. I'm afraid... and I'm tired of it.
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Posted: Sun Dec 21, 2014 7:31 am
What had been a quiet moment suddenly shrank down into something cold and suffocating, like icicles were pressing down around her. That was the wintry sting of rejection, an unusual form of it, and Hvergelmir could feel herself shrinking down into her own skin -- all her poise of a moment before a thin illusion that had shattered. She dropped the little brown leaf, and it fell to the forest floor with a slight flutter, landing with a papery crackle, ever-so-faint. "Away?" she said, her voice betraying her bewilderment and a slight echo of hurt. "Just 'away'? Where? Why?" Ida had already explained why, in fact, but that information wasn't settling in Hvergelmir's mind yet. All she could think was that she'd done something wrong, said something wrong -- the wrong words, the wrong poem, the wrong gestures . . . whatever it was, she'd screwed something up. And now Ida was leaving.
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Posted: Sun Dec 21, 2014 9:48 am
The hurt in Hver's voice cut her deep, but despite how much it hurt her in return, it couldn't shake the deep certainty that this was right... and wasn't that proof enough?
Maybe...
Ida watched the leaf fall as she gathered her thoughts.
"I'm going to go to Ida." She said softly, feeling her uncertainty melting away. "After Christmas, so my family doesn't worry. I'll have Athene help me stock supplies for an extended camping trip."
Even white teeth worried at her lip, but she was fairly confident she could talk Athene around to supporting her in this. If she explained why, made plans and contingencies... There would be nothing for him to say no to. Ida's face softened as she looked up to catch Hver's eyes, her own sad, but decided.
"I'm going... Because I'm broken, Hver. You don't know how bad it's gotten since I got back. I watched everyone I ever loved die and I didn't... Not until everyone was gone and I was alone. They killed so many people in front of me and then they put me on a stage infront of a crowd and television cameras like I was some sort of show. They asked me to chose between corruption and death and when I chose death, they put me down with a sword through my heart."
She pressed a hand to her ribs, the phantom pain giving a twinge.
"I got back and I've been trying to figure out what to do, but I'm just... Lost. Ive lost my crystal and princess form, and I've even lost my medical knowledge. I remember learning all of it, but it's just gone, like all those years I put my heart into never happened. When I ran into Bischofite, I tried to kill him... All I could think about was Amytis and Chariklo and him chasing me down an alley... But what I did both feels justified and horrifies me on a deep level. Killing has always gone against everything I believe in and now I've let myself stoop to it?"
The years felt so heavy and she had never been that strong.
"No one understands how horrifying this has all been... Athene doesn't understand any of it, Kairatos thinks I should just deal with it and Titan... Even before he purified he was a sweet man, but he accepts death like it's not something you can or even should fight against. 'In the hands of the All Father'... I'm going because I'm falling apart and today was just a symptom of it." Anger, passion... It flared as she talked and died away again.
"This isn't how I'm supposed to be, Hver... Even in camp, that wasn't me. I don't want to hurt any more. I want to fix myself and I can't do it here. I want to be... I want to be a better person, a whole person. Some one who... Maybe, is good enough to be around you." Her head tilted to the side, eyes begging for understanding. "Do you... Remember what I said the... The day you died, before you left?"
This was so hard to say, but she needed to be clear, be heard and just maybe, understood. So much time feeling so alone... It was part of what had driven her to this, she knew it was.
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