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 Posted: Sun Nov 16, 2014 1:50 am
 Welcome to my Journal. Please feel free to comment and chat.
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Posted: Sun Nov 16, 2014 4:29 am
Music and Literature Music:
ChAkRa [8tracks link]
Kirtan ॐ Mantras [8tracks link]
Back to Nature [8tracks link]
Forest Girl [8tracks link]
Most Influential Books:
The Perfume Garden by Kate Lord Brown
Love of Seven Dolls by Paul Gallico
Love Letters by Katie Fforde
The Language of Flowers by Vanessa Diffenbaugh
Academic Reading List:
Autobiography of a Yogi by Paramahansa Yogananda
Natural Health, Natural Medicine by Andrew Weil, M.D.
The Essential Book of Herbal Medicine by Simon Y. Mills
The Yoga Bible by Christina Brown
Book Wishlist:
Jesus by Deepak Chopra
Questing Avatar Items:
[Animal] Sheepy Sheep
[Animal] Spicy Chai
[Animal] Starlight Forest Fawns
[Animal] Forest Warden
[Animal] Teddy Bear Siblings
[Animal] Blissful Fawns
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Posted: Sun Nov 23, 2014 10:22 am
2014-11-23 07:04pm  I don't want to talk about it. I don't talk about it anymore. I used to. It used to be the only thing I could think about. Losing him. Losing them. Losing myself. She demoted me to member, because she "needs time away from me." It hurt. Now? I don't know. It will never stop hurting, but I've accepted it. We would have grown old together. And because I value kindness above transparent honesty, all that is gone. I don't blame myself anymore. I don't blame anyone. Sometimes, things happen. Sometimes, you just have to take your memories and walk away with them. But I can't...
I can't walk away. I live to serve. It's the highest purpose: to love others unconditionally. And so I will continue to love the both of them. A part of me wish that he still loved me as he used to, but another part knows that I could never be happy with him. Suit and tie and tweed, while I wear flats, boho patterns and simple tank tops. Even though he inspires me to be the most compassionate version of myself, to peel away what life has made me in order to experience my true self, I feel inferior to him and to everyone who stands a chance to be with him. My Ego creeps in sometimes, throwing that stone: not good enough.
The slightest change of atmosphere influences psyche: my mum yelling, my brother slamming the door, my nan lecturing and over-stressing. And then I scratch and pick at my skin. And we're back to square one with that.
It's been worse, to be honest. I just have to concentrate on routine. Vata types need routine. A stable skincare regime. Two cups of warm water upon waking, followed by yoga and meditation for two hours, then a short stroll outside in the morning sun. Some spiritual "scripture" reading, shower and freshen up for the day, and breakfast. Morning routines are the most important for mental and physical health, but the difference between knowledge and wisdom is action: applying what you know. It's always easier said than done, but so desperately necessary.
We are meant to get hurt in life. We are meant to fail and have our egos shattered. Underneath all that self-acclaimed identity, or even heritage, we are made equal: each and every one of us are souls. Our ego prevents us from realising our full potential, of being all we can be. It robs us of our innate goodness, or God-ness, our compassion and excellence as creations of consciousness.
To shed my ego, I'm planning on attending a 10 day Vipassana meditation course in Worcester. They have strict rules, but the first 10 day course is free and from thereon they only accept donations. Other than that, I'd like to supplement my home raja yoga practice with professional kriya yoga classes. First, though, I should get in the habit of practising yoga every day - another routine or good habit to establish. I miss the days with the SPYS group. Kirtan meditations before lunch, and intensive yoga sessions that left your body craving it after an inactive day. Hare Krishna food is the BEST!
More yoga news: I FINALLY found an organic cotton yoga mat/rug! It's a little expensive, but the washing is easy and I can even mist it with fragrance for some aromatherapy. White with cerulean stripes; it's perfect and a great long-term investment. The next such investment will be a blue round meditation cushion, also known as a zafu.
I had to say goodbye to my wishlist Tulsi (holy basil) green tea to make room for it in my cart. *sniffles*
Before I forget! I found some cool guided meditation mp3's, which Ed then downloaded for me, recorded by S.N. Goenka [link to free download]. There are three of them. Goenka is a leading guru, of sorts, in the world of Vipassana meditation and this style of meditation is well worth checking out! That's my sale's talk right there - my way to say, "Hey! Let's do this thing together! Please... Please don't let me do it on my own. *lonely*" lol *sticks out tongue*
Other news... The guild challenge thread, named Progressive Health, is coming along nicely on the page and I'll soon put it up for all you lovely guildees to see. Which reminds me, I'm crew! Happiness! It feels so good to be trusted with a spot of responsibility. There's no better feeling than being in service to others. I truly hope to make a difference in the lives of our members.
With that, it's sleepy time (08:19) and I still need dinner. I'm craving sushi again.
Slumber sweet.
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Posted: Sat Nov 29, 2014 2:50 am
2014-11-29 4:26PM  This morning my cat made me meow in my sleep, then my mum woke me with a cup of hot water (followed by a cup of horsetail herb tea). I didn't feel as bloated and gassy as I usually do and there was almost no pain at all upon waking. She left a few hours ago for work and won't be back until after midnight. Please pray for her safety? Thank you.
My granny, Ouma Tillie, who lives with us, has made me four pieces of sushi maki cucumber with white basmati rice. It was delicious. I'm also eating leeks tonight, and baby brinjals, baby marrows, etc. I'm looking forward to dinner, but my tummy is a little full still. It's as though once I've decided to fast partially, I can't stop craving food.
Friday, yesterday, was absolutely magical. My dad took my brother and I to the orthodontist to get a new plate for my brother, Sebastien. Many little highlights happened that day. A vipassana meditation 10 day course spot opened up and they accepted my application - which was wonderful, because I just thought of it the previous night and was eager to participate. However, I had to cancel, because I have too many things on my plate right now. At least another worthy pupil can be formed. In the mean time, I will practice on my own through guided meditations.
The reason I couldn't attend was that I am starting with my studies at Ananda Sanga this year already. My mum has ordered the books that I need: The Yoga Bible by Christina Brown and Human Anatomy Coloring Book by Margaret Matt and Joe Zieman, with the lovely addition of All You Wanted to Know About Diet and Health Through Ayurveda by Vaidya Suresh Chaturvedi. The content of the first two books I have to memorise before the end of the year. The course I am finishing this year is the Anatomy and Physiognomy module that costs R800 and will be exempted from my YTT course.
Next year in January I will then complete a basic MYYO Practitioner course, for which the knowledge of human anatomy is essential. For this course I also have to do a case study of 20 treatments as preparation for my practical exam which I will take before my next course starts in February. This will cost me R4000, since I'm paying (yikes!).
The YTT starts with an intensive 3 weeks of weekly tests and a practical exam thereafter, and then has 6 months more of home-study (1 module a month). For these 3 weeks, I need to know the sanskirt names to all the yoga postures and how to pronounce them correctly (luckily I have somewhat of an affinity towards languages).
This sounds like an awful lot, but my mentors were really kind about it. Anne said that everyone goes through ups and downs during the 3 weeks, but the students and she will be very supportive of one another. She said she is worried about me because I left university for exactly that reason: the pressure. That's why it's better that I start studying the sanskirt names and get to know all the postures now - which is a very nice thing for her to allow me. They also double-checked my food preferences, although I forgot to tell them about the attacks.
Another bright spark is that one of my friends, Engela, has agreed to allow me to do three MYYO treatments on her. In exchange, she said, she will give me three free reiki treatments. I am so very excited about this!
Ed is coming to visit tomorrow with loads of dharma films and Ekhart Tolle TV episodes! *excited bunny hop*
Other than that, I've found some super cool links to help with my stomach problems. 7 Ayurvedic Remedies: [link] and How to cure IBS: [link] Though, my mom said what I'm experiencing are porphyria attacks and not a result of IBS, but I'll try this anyway. You never know, right?
I see my life, at this moment, as sweet as that last sip of roasted chicory root tea and I hope you are all doing well!
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Posted: Sat Nov 29, 2014 8:12 am
You have a wonderfully
peaceful journal ^^
I just felt odd reading
and not commenting sweatdrop
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Posted: Tue Dec 02, 2014 6:11 am
Cinderful You have a wonderfully peaceful journal ^^ I just felt odd reading
and not commenting sweatdrop
It makes me happy to hear that you had a positive experience reading my posts. emotion_bigheart
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Posted: Tue Dec 02, 2014 7:39 am
2014-12-02 04:47pm Today was, respectively, a peaceful and retrospectively emotional day.
It started on an early note at 5am. My alarm woke me and I struggled to wake. I rolled onto my right side, waited to cool down (you will see my blanket under which I sleep in just a moment), then did a few pawanmuktasanas and apanasanas, then rested on the right again, awaiting the activation of my digestive system. Half an hour later, I looked at my hands and rubbed down my face, chest, to my waist, then said a short prayer for peace throughout the day. The only oil I had on hand was coconut oil, organic and virgin, so this went into my ears and nose (big mistake that last one!), and I washed my eyes with luke warm water and rosewater (this took the headache away that had been there, nesting, for little less than a week). When I went to tell my mother this, the unrest began. "I need to speak to you," she poked her head into the bathroom, worked up while I was having a mild anxiety attack.
"Why are you experimenting with your health again? It'll end up just as ruined as your face because of your experiments... I am concerned, Angelique," she yelled, "I don't want to lose my daughter! Look at you! Your ribs are showing!"
"They are not," I vehemently countered and lifted my top to show her. Then she turned me around and told me to look in the mirror, and there they were, mild indentures where my ribs connected to my spine, my vertebra in a neat shadowed row. "I am not anorexic," I told her, "I eat a lot." Perhaps I screamed at her. She was sobbing by this time and I was growing more and more frustrated and defensive with having my new, supposed-to-be grounding, morning routine disrupted and my body criticised when I really can't eat more than I already do. I would combust if I did. I am not sickly. My ego is bleeding, but my body is alright. I am energetic when I start the day on a good, healthy note. I know now that warm water in the morning works wonders and that overeating makes me feel bloated and have anxiety attacks. My bowel movements are regular, too, since I've started drinking warm water. I feel great.
She's coming home late tonight. I sent her funny pictures of me with my food to show her that I do eat, and that I finish all my food. I hope it made her smile... I shouldn't have become angry. This is ego. Anger does not come from a space of unconditional love.
My eyes are tired from crying.
The friend whom I've lost is talking to me again, and it's almost like old times. Nothing has been discussed or analysed, and I prefer it that way. Today we did a fun little exercise in the Forced Evolution FB group. We made pyramids of our needs. One for basic needs, one for non-essential material needs that make us happy, and one for social needs. The latter was particularly difficult as it forced me to ask myself what my social desires were. At the bottom of the pyramid was "non-harm, acceptance and patience," then "sharing of experiences, emotional states and ideas," "allowing me to support them," "allowing me to suggest advice," "doing fun things together," "sharing knowledge and research articles," "physical and emotional affection (only needed when I'm not in a balanced, positive mood as I usually am)" and "intense connection and guidance." The last-mentioned was my downfall. Writing an explanation for it made me burst into tears and that gloominess has been with me ever since. The memories. The pain. The need to escape. The desire to never trust again. The realisation that this intense connection was egoistic love and that it holds no merit for me or the person involved.
Do I miss him? I don't know. No emotion answers. Do I want to speak to him now? There is no particular desire to speak to him, though I often imagine how the conversation would go: I am determined to quietly observe rather than entertain and be adorable as I used to be with him. If I had to speak to him now, I would cry. The tears would roll down my cheeks, but I'd make no noise. Not a sound. More quiet than a mouse. I don't know what I want from him. He doesn't make me feel better anymore. It still hurts, but I no longer have the desire for him to like me, to find me agreeable.
I just don't want to feel judged, but then I have to ask myself: what is there to be judged? For something to be judged, it has to be classified with concepts. The soul is not something one can put a label to. And if someone judges me, they do not know who I truly am. Positive judgement of my personality is flattery. Appreciation is different; it's personal and the action should be acknowledged as a verb: thank you for supporting me in this. Otherwise the hearer and speaker attached the association with the personality and it becomes expectation. Negative judgement should be filtered and silently endured. It is not one at one's core that the person is assailing, but perhaps still an effect of one's remaining ego for which one must be aware and flick away. Honest feedback is important, and if it comes from someone who caused you pain before, that's fine too.
Moving on to more cheerful thoughts, a very special package came in the mail today! This is the sole reason why I didn't post a decorating picture to the right side of this post.Aren't they beautiful? *beams*
The wool is made of 100% organic cotton and bamboo. It has a silky soft texture and the colours are natural and baby green. They smell so good! Sweet like bamboo and fresh cotton. My mother bought them to knit me a sweater with pretty boho-like patterns, and the green is for me to play with. I was considering knitting a patch blanket to cover myself with during savasana.
The shampoo is a newly released edition called Jewel of India by The Victorian Garden. It is a jasmine and lotus flower herbal shampoo and contains oils and extracts from coconut, honey and propolis, vitamin B5, neem, cactus, hibiscus, ginseng, amla, henna, acacia concinna, bakuchi, hemp, jasmine, lotus and rose. I have no idea what it smells like yet, because I want to finish my current shampoo first, but I'll let you know.
The other item, a jar of hemp and mustard seeds as bathing powder or salts, is as a Chirstmas gift for my mom. The rest of the family was being difficult, so they were excluded. *huff*
This little gem is an organic cotton yoga rug! It feels great and the grip is fine. It also smells fresh - which is a miracle when it comes to yoga mats! Usually, mats are plastic (PVC and/or latex, etc) and give off a very distinct plastic smell. Other than that, and unwashed, used mat smell of dirty, sweaty feet and is just over all nasty! Especially when you're expected to do child's pose with your forehead and nose to the floor. Such a great investment. It was a little pricy, but so worth it.
After writing about my little package, I feel a little more emotionally energised and grateful, so I think it's time to pick some things out of the closet to donate.
Happy Tuesday, everyone!
PS. "A bamboo that bends is stronger than an oak that resists." ~ A Japanese Proverb
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Posted: Thu Dec 04, 2014 11:33 am
2014-12-04 9:33PM  Dinner is a microwaved sweet potato. It might need some butter.
Today was rather fun. I hit my head, have an uncharacteristic pain in the right side of my jaw, and didn't drink much water today besides my morning cup, but today rejuvenated me to some extent, almost defibrillating. Almost. Tomorrow should do the trick, but more of the new daily routine later.
The day started at 6am on my mat with a cup of boiled water, researching. For a long time I had these two supplements in mind: Solgar's Herbal Female Complex and MSM. This turned into four sun salutations and a long relaxation that included some bowel exercises to aid IBS, then ended in a very comfortable position: on my back, hugging my knees to my chest and chatting to my friends.
Breakfast was a teeny bit of oats. For some reason, my tum was very gassy today - burping, mostly, so it wasn't too gross. It wasn't as painful as it can sometimes be for which I am grateful, but I really don't know what to do with it anymore. More water and a Calmette (natural valerian relaxer).
Nelmarie, the owner of Spa Marine, and I chattered pleasantly about our funny experiences, tummies and men, and after the waxes (an eyebrow wax and, yes, a hollywood - purely for comfort) and rose oil applications, I felt renewed in my feminine energies.
Visiting the mall is always a treat. People-watching is a favourite past-time and browsing the healthy, natural goodies in The Health Kick's aisles with the help of exemplary and friendly customer service quickly lead me to the two purchases I've been looking for. What's in it?
The Female Herbal Complex consists of soybean, dong quai, motherwort, milk thistle, black cohosh, astralagus and antioxidants such as beta carotene and ascorbic acid. For more info on these wonderful ingredients, please ask here or search them here: [herbpathy - a herb glossary and nutrient information].
MSM (the brand I chose is The Real Thing and contains 3 month's supply) is an organic sulpher found in plants, humans and animals and acts as a tissue rebuilder and anti-inflammatory agent, among others. It aids a long list of conditions and ailments, including acne and thinning and brittle hair. However, my use thereof will be a little more survival-based. Next year in February to March is my YTT practical. We do 200 hours of yoga in 15 days. To refine and regenerate muscle tissue, MSM powder will be mixed with water at the start of February.
Speaking of yoga, my previous experiment of the Ayurvedic morning routine kind of failed and took too long, so I'm back with the usual simplicity of warm water, gentle waking-up yoga and shower followed by a warming self-massage or abhyanga with a tangerine and rose oil blend. Then more warm water and, finally, breakfast at eight or nine o'clock. On Ananda Sanga's website, they have a rough sketch of how their daily routines work and I'm planning to copy it in order to prepare:
------------------------------------------------
7h00 - 8h30 Meditation & Raja Yoga
8h30 - 9h30 Breakfast
9h30 - 13h00 Yoga theory/practical
13h00 - 14h00 Lunch
14h00 - 16h00 Yoga practical
16h00 - 17h00 Meditation & Raja Yoga
------------------------------------------------That's a lot of yoga! I'm glad I have MSM on my side now. Oh, by the by, vitamin C aids the absorption of MSM, so be sure to take them together (putting rosehips, goji berries, camu camu powder and/or cranberry juice to good work).
Lunch was three portions of avo maki. I love vegan sushi. There's just something about the combination of avocado, sticky rice and rice vinegar, nori seaweed and soya sauce. Yum.
The Anatomy & Physiognomy files have been downloaded, just now, and it seems that I'm just waiting on the arrival of the book from loot.co.za, but I'll start with the notes Ananda gave me anyway.
To end off today's post, here is Osho on our addiction to misery: [link]. "The truth is that nothingness is the door to richness. Nothingness is the door to blissfulness—and the door has to be nothing." ~ Osho
PS. Thanks to Ed and Spenelli, my animal dream avi is complete! *excitement* What do you think?
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Posted: Fri Dec 05, 2014 9:24 am
2014-12-05 07:34PM Today has horrible. A downward spiral. But I don't want to talk about it, so here are some quotes and things that I posted on Facebook some time ago that, rereading them, soothed my weeping heart. And this: [youtube link of "Laughing Tram Man."]
"My guru treated all guests with courtesy and kindness. A master - one who has realized himself as the omnipresent soul, not the body or the ego - perceives in all men a striking similarity.
"The impartiality of saints is rooted in wisdom. They are no longer influenced by the alternating faces of maya, no longer subject to the likes and dislikes that confuse the judgement of unenlightened men. Sri Yukteswar showed no special consideration to those who were powerful, rich, or accomplished; neither did he slight others for their poverty or illiteracy. He would respectfully listen to words of truth from a child; and, on occasion, would openly ignore a conceited pundit." ~ Autobiography of a Yogi, by Paramahansa Yogananda
***
There is beauty in inconsistency,
In the ever-evolving, everflow of life.
Pain is meant to be felt.
It ebbs and wanes like the ocean waves
On river banks:
You can never step into the same river twice.
There is only ever one constant: You.
***
We often try to be this and that, to be good enough to keep our friends, to gain respect, to fit in somewhere, and on this road of self-expression and concepts to apply to your life and define your personality, we lose track of who we truly are. Sit still with your thoughts and peel them away, and just be. Just be.
***
I'm so happy to be on this journey. Yesterday's Ekhart Tolle TV episode (the first one; a friend downloaded them for me - thank you!) was about the issue: "I met Ekhart Tolle in 2001. Now I'm even worse." At the start of the journey to your true self, you become aware of all your behaviours, your ego. Some or most of these behaviours, thoughts and expressions of emotions (sometimes the emotions themselves) do not resonate with your intentions. Remember the saying, "The road to hell is paved with good intentions"? Without awareness, or self-realization, your good intentions will always remain just that, hidden from the tangible, visible world despite your attempts to explain yourself. When you realise your behaviour, you can change it.
I've been fortunate enough to have my flaws pointed out to me, but I've found a fair number of things in correlation with them, including the root causes. However, sometimes you can't find the cause. That's alright. Don't focus on asking "why" and spend your time asking "how can I change this," because you don't need to know the cause of every little thing to make a change. The first step is awareness. The next is to be fully conscious and present and cease these disagreeing behaviours (in other words, behaviours opposed to your intentions).
So, who are we if we cannot define ourselves? Well, we are an expression of God, or life, or the One (whatever); we are immortal souls and we can transcend our thoughts and fears, etc, and also this life, for this life is temporary; we are eternal. Who are we if not what we believe we are? I enjoy healing practices and information, so I must be a healer, right? No. Focus on the gap between thoughts and find yourself in the stillness. You are conscious, and from that state of being pours unconditional love and gratitude and contentment.
***
Paramahansa Yogananda's conversation with his guru, Sri Yukteswar, on the topic of unconditional love:
"I shall give you my hermatiges and all I possess."
"Sir, I come for wisdom and God-realization. Those are your treasure troves I am after!"
"I give you my unconditional love."
"Will you give me the same unconditional love?"
"I will love you eternally, Gurudeva!"
"Ordinary love is selfish, darkly rooted in desires and satisfactions. Divine love is without condition, without boundary, without change. The flux of the human heart is gone forever at the transfixing touch of pure love. If ever you find me falling from a state of God-realization, please promise to put my head on your lap and help to bring me back to the Cosmic Beloved we both worship." ~ Autobiography of a Yogi, by Paramahansa Yogananda
***
I sincerely hope your day was much much better than mine.
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Posted: Mon Dec 08, 2014 9:48 pm
2014-12-09 07:02AM  Starting a journal entry so early in the day feels rather strange, but there is something in yesterday that I have to share.
Sometimes, when we feel shattered, or if your ego is rather sensitive like mine, even just a little bit threatened, you react aggressively. Push away before they can leave you, yet fearing that they will. Fighting with unnecessary passion for what you believe in, because the threat, the offence was imaginary. And then you hurt the ones you love. And you wish with all your heart you can stop being so sensitive. And you find that this is all ego, learned behaviours; that you can undo, remove, peel away.
Peeling away your ego hurts. It is becoming less attached to concepts and people in order not to react the way you do. It is wiping out who you’ve invented yourself to be and becoming who you truly are. However, the ego will only change. It will not be removed. You will always get hurt. Pain is meant to be felt. But suffering can be inhibited by becoming super-conscious: aware of your emotions and thoughts, choosing one thought over the other in order to flush out the negative, and observing the emotions like the ocean waves come and go. This you can more easily and effectively do when you tap into your intuition and find out who you really are: your higher self.
Yesterevening between six and seven PM, I felt it. Me. The real me. But I felt so much more than just that.
I say “felt” instead of “saw,” because it was not a visualization, but the answers came in feelings. Strong, unmistakable feeling.
It started with pain. The question “why?” was rooted in my mind as I concentrated on my forehead between my eyes, where the third eye chakra resides. Why do I suffer? Why do I believe everyone is out to hurt me? How do I stop this belief? Why am I still daydreaming of him, masked behind thinking up scenes for the HSRP? Why does it hurt that he didn’t choose me like I chose him? Why do I blame myself for this in the worst way possible: believing that I’m worthless, not good enough and that I never will be? Why is he so important to me? What do I do? Please, how do I make the pain go away?
The answer was love. More love. Not romantic love, but a spiritual love. I recognise in him a true kindred soul and that is why I cannot let him go. He is one of my soulmates. Perhaps we had a deep connection in our past life. And perhaps we will meet again in the next. Either way, in this life, I am to love him unconditionally. In him, I recognised an attribute of my essence: the ability to love so deep and true.
God works in mysterious ways. I had prayed for a life partner in him, but He gave me a mentor: what I needed.
Because of the pain he had brought me, I discovered and immersed myself in yoga and spirituality. Because of the critique he had dealt me, I realised that my behaviour did not match my higher personality. Because of his gentle kindness, I can now learn to fear none and to harm none. Ahimsa.
As the pressure, an invisible liquid energy, dipped in and out of my third eye chakra, I found something else. My purpose was there. I felt my ex-lover standing before me and unconditional love pouring out of me into him. Then he disappeared and the exact same thing happened to people I haven’t met yet. They must have been my future yoga class. They sought sanctuary and healing from me, and I gave them my unconditional love. Each and every one of them. And, at once, I knew this is what I was put here to do: to heal through love.
We are love. It is the essence of our souls. It is one of the many things that connects us. We are one. When we consult our intuition and live life as our higher selves, we become...
"Softer than a flower, where kindness is concerned; stronger than the thunder, where principles are at stake."
... and we can then heal the world one person at a time. Starting with your home this Christmas, and expanding this attitude into everything we do.
Shanti. Shanti. Shanti. Peace to you all as you go about your day.
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Posted: Tue Dec 09, 2014 12:00 am
If you made a blog like this journal, I'd subscribe! c:
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Posted: Tue Dec 09, 2014 12:08 am
Romeigh If you made a blog like this journal, I'd subscribe! c:
Click on the fox in my signature. I'm a little behind on posting in my blog, because blogspot won't let me upload pictures. There's a huge review on organic oils and things just waiting to be posted, but the pictures... lol
Thank you so much for your comment, Romeigh. It's wonderful to know that my thoughts are heard and appreciated.
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