Hello, there. I want to rant a little bit. I'm not sure how long this post is going to be, so if it turns into a wall of text, I'm very sorry.
A little over six months ago, my dad left and filed for divorce against my mom. I can't say I'm surprised, because they fought a lot. My mom wanted to go to counseling, and my dad didn't. I understand this is not why my parents are getting a divorce (which is what my father is claiming I am saying, but I'll get to that later).
My parents argued a
lot. My mom would remain calm and my dad would lose his s**t. He'd slam doors, yell, and the like.
I went to his apartment a few times after he left. He would tell me all kinds of things about my mother. He tried to make my mother seem like a sociopath. He tried to convince me that she was becoming an alcoholic. I believed him at first, but then I did a lot of thinking and observing... and found what he was saying to not be true.
He's brainwashing my brothers with the same lies, and they are starting to be disrespectful to my mother and me (well, they were, when I was living at home).
He harassed my mom. He texted her constantly. And when she wouldn't answer, he'd text one of us (the children). One night, when I was sleeping over at his place, she wouldn't answer, so he used
my phone to call her. He asked, and I was afraid of what he'd think if I didn't let him use it. She answered the phone, and he told her to call him, etc. He sounded angry.
I decided to stop sleeping over after that. One night soon after, I got a text from him. (Keep in mind, "Poodle" was his nickname for me.)
Him: Hey poodle! Love you!!
Me: Love you!
Him: Is mom sleeping? I was trying to get her. Please don't wake her if she is.
Me: She's at the store.
Him: How long ago did she go?
Me: An hour or so.
Him: Ok. Did you just text her?
Me: I asked for soup, yes.
Him: Oh. Cause she just looked at my text. Please don't mention I asked, okay?
Me: Okay.
At this point, I was beginning to realize that he was probably harassing her. Another time, there was a similar dialogue, but I replied that I "didn't know how long she'd been gone." So he called my brother (age thirteen). When he wouldn't pick up, my dad texted me. I told him my brother was asleep, so he had my other brother (ten at the time) to pick up. My brother gave him all the answers that he was looking for.
I blocked his number, so he couldn't send me anymore messages (every time he asked where she was, etc. sent me into an anxiety attack).
Before I left for college, he came into the house without knocking right after my mom and I were putting in groceries. He was looking for my mom (I was in the kitchen, which is where the back door was). I said I'd go get her. He proceeded to follow me into her bedroom. I tried to get away without saying anything, and this is what happened.
Him: Morgan, wait! You haven't said anything to me in a month. Talk to me.
Me: I don't really want to talk.
Him: I am your father, and you have to respect me.
Me: Okay.
Him: Let me ask you some things. Is it your intention for me to help you move into your dorm?
Me: No.
Him: Is it your intention for me to take your turtles?
Me: No.
Him: Okay. I will not try to Facebook you, text you, or talk to you until you are ready.
Me: Thank you.
Him: -bends down to my height and raises his voice- You're welcome.
And then they went and talked.
I told my brothers everything I knew, which was everything he said my mom was saying.
My mom refuses to say a negative word about him to me.
They relayed it to him. Last month, I got a call from my mom, very stressed. She said that he was telling my brothers that I was saying he got fired, but she didn't know that I knew he got fired. I was confused. I didn't know he'd gotten fired. I knew that he'd taken a sick leave in the beginning of the divorce, but I didn't know he'd been recently fired.
I called my dad.
He started off by saying that he loved and missed me. He missed our long conversations that we had at night in the kitchen when he was still living with my mom. He said that he didn't want me to hate my mom's family, because "the more people that love you in this world, the better."
I told him I didn't know he'd lost his job. As it turns out, he was saying that I had told my brothers that the only reason he could do all the things he did with them and cook the great food that he cooked all the time was because he wasn't working. Which I said. When he had taken a sick leave (or whatever it's called). I told him I never said he got fired, and so he wasn't being entirely truthful. He put my brother (thirteen) on the phone, and my brother told me what he said, which was what I had said. And he said, "I am just repeating what your brother said."
I told him that I thought it was wrong for him to use his children to get information. He said he didn't. He said that they opened up to him. I told him I didn't believe him and I thought he wasn't being entirely truthful. He said that there was no way that the information I was getting wasn't from my mother. I told him that all of the information he gave me was from
him, when he told me what she was saying. I said I thought it was wrong for him to try and turn me against my own mother. He said I was "seventeen and old enough to know." Or something like that. And I said that she was "still my mother." He said that one time my brother (ten at the time) couldn't sleep because he could hear my grandmother and I talking bad about him (more on that in a bit). We went back and forth. After a while, he just hung up on me. He then texted me, saying that he would "not sit there and listen to me call him a liar."
As for the grandmother thing, it was about ten in the morning. I was talking to her about how he had this "Man Cave Rules" thing in his living room, which I found childish.
I found it online, by the way. He has this in his living room. Classy, right?He's also telling people that I am saying that they're getting divorced because he wouldn't go to marriage counseling, which is not true. I think it might have helped, but I'm not expert, and I know it didn't cause the divorce.
Anyway, I've been home once since starting college. And I was careful to make sure that my brothers didn't know, so they wouldn't be able to tell my dad that I was home. I'm afraid of him, to be completely honest. I don't even want to go home for Thanksgiving or Christmas.
I turned eighteen last month, on the twenty-first. My mom had asked permission to give my dad my PO Box (which he requested). I gave her the okay, since it's just a PO Box and not the building I live in or anything.
I haven't gotten a card or anything. He requested my PO Box over a month ago.
And all I've been able to think about is how horrible the situation is. My brother (eleven) is being brainwashed by my dad. He's being told that my dad can't afford snowballs. He's being told that my father is borrowing money from other people. He broke down and started crying because he thought he was going to give "the wrong answers" to the evaluator. My other brother (thirteen) is becoming an a**. When I was home, he sometimes started treating me like my dad treated my mom.
I'm not okay. I cry a lot. And I am so disgusted with myself. I know it could be worse. I know there are people starving and dying. I know I'm running away from my problems by not going home.
It seems like every time my dad needed something from me, he said, "I love you," first. I was so close to him. And he tried to manipulate and use me. I don't know if he actually loves me.
Not that I think I deserve it. I'm a coward. I'm disgusting. I'm useless. I'm vile. I can't do anything. My anxiety is paralyzing. My depression suffocating. It's only getting worse, because I'm not taking my medicine. Which is my fault. I can't swallow pills with liquid, and pudding has started making me nauseated when I look at it. Maybe I'd feel better if I took my medicine, but I can't bring myself to do it. Maybe I deserve to suffer, if I can't even take a damn pill.
If you're still here, thanks for reading. I really needed to vent. I feel terrible about it. I don't want anyone to worry/be sad, but I don't know what else to do, other than rant.
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