Welcome to Gaia! ::

Enter Chorus

Chorus:
Now old desires doth die,
And new affection moves to be his heir;
That fair lad for which Juliet groan'd for in love, and would die for,
Is now matched with tender Romeo's love, is now does not seem fair to her at all.
For now Romeo is beloved and lives again,
Alike betwitched by the charm of looks,
But to her supposed "foe" she must confess,
And snatch love's sweet bait from fearful traps:
Being held a foe, she may not have access
To breathe such vows as lovers might wish to;
And her new love so much more, still her means are much less
To meet her new-beloved:
But passion lends them power, and time the means, to meet again
Guiding them in due course to meet again.

Exit

SCENE I. A lane by the wall of Montague Prison.

Enter Juliet

Juliet
Can I go forward when my heart is here?
Turn back, dull earth, and find thy centre out.

He climbs the wall, and leaps down within it

Enter BENVOLIO and MERCUTIO


BENVOLIO
Juliet! My dear Juliet!


MERCUTIO
She is wise;
And, using my own lie, hath stol'n home to bed.


BENVOLIO
Ney, she ran this way, and leap'd this orchard wall:
Let me call, good Mercutio.


MERCUTIO
Nay, I'll conjure too.
Juliet! Dear! Passion stricken woman! Lady brought back to dead by a Voodoo Witch! Lover!
Appear thou in the likeness of a sigh:
Speak but one rhyme, and I am satisfied;
Cry out 'Ay me!', or pronounce but 'love' and 'dove;'
Speak to my dear Venus one fair word,
Give one nickname to her purblind son and heir,
Young Cupid, he that shot such a deadly arrow,
When King Cophetua loved the beggar-maid!
Benvolio, she heareth not, she stirreth not, she moveth not;
The lady is dead, again, and I must conjure her.
I conjure thee with a patch of lion's fur,
A bag full of herbs,
Some Norwegian swamp mud,
And this Voodoo doll here,
Now in thy likeness thou shalt appear to us! Again! Seriously.


BENVOLIO
And if she hear thee, thou wilt anger her.


MERCUTIO
This cannot anger her: 'twould anger her
To raise the dead of her lover's house
To cast a spell of some strange nature,
Till he had risen again and conjured a craving for brains;
That would be spite: my invocation
Is fair and honest, and in her mister's name
I conjure only but to raise up both of them from the deceased.


BENVOLIO
Come,s he hath hid herself among these trees,
To have only the humorous night as her consort:
Blind is her love of one who is gone, and best befits the dark.


MERCUTIO
If love be blind, love cannot hit the mark.
Now will she sit under a medlar tree,
And wish her dear were that kind of fruit
And as maids call medlars when alone, so would she his name.
Juliet, that he were alive, O,
That he were under that tree, and thou a ripening pear!
Juliet, good night: I'll to my cloth-bed;
This field-bed is too cold for me to sleep:
Come, shall we go?


BENVOLIO
Go, then; for 'tis in vain
To seek her here that means not to be found.

Exeunt

SCENE II. Capulet's orchard.

Enter Juliet

Juliet
He jests at scars that never felt a wound.

Zombie Romeo appears above at a window

But, soft! what light through yonder window breaks?
It is the east, and Romeo is the sun.
Arise from your earthen bed, fair sun, and bite the envious moon,
Who is already sick and pale with grief,
That thou her charge art far more fair than her:
Be not her Warden, since she is envious;
Her uniform is butt ugly and blue
And none but fools do wear it; cast it off b***h.
There! It is my lord, O, it is my love!
O, that he knew he were!
He gurgles yet he says nothing: what of that?
His eyes speak to me; I will answer it.
Ah, I am too bold, 'tis not to me he moans:
Two of the fairest stars in all the heaven,
Having some business, do catch his eyes
Until some delicious brain passes by;
What if his eyes were up there instead,
those two whom normally reside within his head?
Those two brilliant, unrotted jewels outshine the stars,
The brightness of his partly decomposed cheek would shame the moon,
As daylight doth a lamp; his eyes in heaven
Would through that dark region stream so bright
That birds would sing and think it were not night.
See, how he leans his cheek upon his hand!
O, that I were a glove upon that hand,
That I might touch that cheek!


Romeo
Ay me!


Juliet
He speaks!
O, speak again, bright angel! for thou art
As glorious to this night, being o'er my head
As is a winged messenger of heaven
Unto the white-upturned wondering eyes
Of mortals that fall back to gaze on him
When he bestrides the lazy-pacing clouds
And sails upon the bosom of the air.


Romeo
O Juliet, O Juliet! wherefore art thou Juliet?
Deny thy Voodoo Witchdoctor and refuse his black magic;
Or, if thou wilt not, be but sworn my love,
And I'll no longer be a Zombie Warrior of Evil!


Juliet
[Aside] Shall I hear more, or shall I speak at this?


Romeo
'Tis but thy name that is my enemy;
Thou art thyself, not a Capulet Voodoo Witchdocter's assistant.
What's Capulet? it is nor hand, nor foot,
Nor arm, nor face, nor any other part
Belonging to a man. O, be some other name!
What's in a name? that which we call brains
By any other name would smell as sweet;
So Juliet would, were she not Juliet call'd,
Retain that dear perfection which she owns
Without that title. Juliet, doff thy name,
And for that name which is no part of thee
Take all myself.


Juliet
I take thee at thy word:
Call me but love, and I'll be new baptized;
Henceforth I never will be Juliet.


Romeo
What human art thou that thus bescreen'd in night
So stumblest into my cell?


Juliet
By a name
I know not how to tell thee who I am:
My name, dear saint, is hateful to myself,
Because it is an enemy to thee;
Had I it written, I would tear the word.


Romeo
I don't know what good that'd do, I can't read. I mean, uh-
My ears have not yet drunk a hundred words
Of that tongue's utterance, yet I know the sound:
Art thou not Juliet and a Voodoo Witchdoctor's assistant?


Juliet
Neither, fair saint, if either thee dislike.


Romeo
How camest thou hither, tell me, and wherefore?
The prison orchard's walls are high and hard to climb,
And the place death, considering who thou art,
If any of my guards or fellow inmates find thee here.


Juliet
With love's grappling hook did I o'er-perch these walls;
For stony limits cannot hold love out,
And love can do what love dares attempt;
And on my persons is a shotgun,
Therefore thy kinsmen are no let to me.


Romeo
If they do see thee, they will murder thee.


Juliet
Alack, there lies more peril in thine eye
Than twenty of their brain-crunching mouths: look thou but sweet,
And I am invincible against their zombie virus.


Romeo
I would not for the world they saw thee here.


Juliet
I have night's cloak to hide me from their sight;
And but thou love me, let them find me here:
My life were better ended by their hunger,
Than death prorogued, wanting of thy love.


Romeo
By whose direction found'st thou out this place?


Juliet
By love, who first did prompt me to inquire;
He lent me counsel and I lent him eyes.
I am no pilot; yet, were thou as far
As that vast shore wash'd with the underworld's sea,
I would venture there for such a thing. Again.


Romeo
Thou know'st the mask of night is on my face,
And that no blood courses through my undead flesh,
Else would a blush bepaint my cheek
For that which thou hast heard me speak to-night
Fain would I dwell on form, fain, fain deny
What I have spoke: but farewell compliment!
Dost thou love me? I know thou wilt say 'Ay,'
And I will take thy word: yet if thou swear'st,
Thou mayst prove false; at lovers' perjuries
Then say, Jove laughs. O gentle Juliet,
If thou dost love, pronounce it faithfully:
Or if thou think'st I am too quickly won,
I'll frown and be perverse an say thee nay,
So thou wilt woo; but else, not for the world.
In truth, fair Assistant, I am too fond,
And therefore thou mayst think my 'havior light, and my true aim brains:
But trust me, gentlewoman, I'll prove more true
Than those that have more cunning to speak strangely.
I would have been more strange, I must confess,
But thou overheard'st and intervened, ere I was ware,
Revealing my true love's passion: therefore pardon me,
And do not attribute this yearning to light love,
or the pursuit of my next delicious victim,
Which the dark night so oft discovers for me.


Juliet
Sir, by yonder blessed moon I swear
That tips with silver all your nightly victims--


Romeo
O, swear not by the moon, the inconstant moon,
That monthly changes in her circled orb,
Lest that thy love prove likewise variable.


Juliet
What shall I swear by?


Romeo
Do not swear at all;
Or, if thou wilt, swear by thy gracious self,
Which is the god of my idolatry,
And I'll believe thee.


Juliet
If my heart's dear love--


Romeo
Wait, do not swear: although I joy in thee,
I have no joy for this contract to-night:
It is too rash, too unadvised, too sudden;
Too like the lightning, which doth cease to be
Ere one can say 'It lightens.'
I must devise a method,
to escape the Warden's watch,
or soon I shall be-headed for my nightly hungers!
Sweet, good night!
This bud of love, by summer's ripening breath,
May prove a beauteous flower when next we meet.
Good night, good night! as sweet repose and rest
Come to thy heart as that within my breast!


Juliet
O, wilt thou leave me so unsatisfied?


Romeo
What satisfaction canst thou have to-night?


Juliet
The exchange of thy love's faithful vow for mine.


Romeo
I gave thee mine before thou didst request it:
And yet I would it were to give again.


Juliet
Wouldst thou withdraw it? for what purpose, love?


Romeo
But to be frank, and give it thee again.
And yet I wish but for the thing I have:
My bounty is as boundless as the sea,
My love as deep; the more I give to thee,
The more I have, for both are eternal.
For have we too not risen to live once more?
So shall our love be!

Warden calls within

I hear some noise within; dear love, adieu!
Anon, good Guard! Sweet Assistant, be true.
Stay but a little, I will come again.

Exit, above


Juliet
O blessed, blessed night! I am afraid.
Being in night, all this is but a dream,
Too flatteringly-sweet to be substantial.

Re-enter Romeo, above


Romeo
Three words, dear Juliet, and good night indeed.
If that thy whim of love be honourable,
Thy purpose marriage, send me word to-morrow,
By one that I'll procure to come to thee,
Where and what time thou wilt perform the rite;
And all my fortunes at thy foot I'll lay
And follow thee my love throughout this world, and the next.


Warden
[Within] Rot-for-brains!


Romeo
I come, anon!
--But Juliet, if thou mean'st not well,
I do beseech thee--


Warden
[Within] Don't make me say it twice, ya damn Ghoul!


Romeo
By and by, I come
--To cease thy pursuit, and leave me to my execution:
To-morrow will I send.


Juliet
So thrive my soul--


Romeo
A thousand times good night!

Exit, above


Juliet
A night a-thousand times the worse, for want of thy light.
Love goes toward love, as a Horde does towards survivors
But love separates from love, as does a shotgun's roar
separate them from their meal.

Retiring

Re-enter Romeo, above


Romeo
Psst! Juliet! Yo! O, for a falconer's call,
To be able to lure that black-haired beauty back again!
My bondage leaves me hoarse, and I may not speak aloud;
Else would I tear open the cave where Echo lies,
And make her airy tongue more hoarse than mine,
With repetition of my Assistant's name.


Juliet
It is my soul that calls upon my name:
How silver-sweet sound lovers' tongues by night,
Like softest music to attending ears!


Romeo
Juliet!


Juliet
My decaying dear?


Romeo
At what o'clock to-morrow
Shall I send to thee?


Juliet
At the hour of three, three-fifty? Iunno.


Romeo
I will not fail: 'tis twenty years till then.
And uh...ah forget it, I didn't call thee back for anything important.


Juliet
Let me stand here till thou remember it.


Romeo
I shall forget, to have thee still stand there,
Whilst I revel in thy company.


Juliet
And I'll still stay, to have thee still forget,
Forgetting any other home but this.
Ho-hm~


Romeo
No, no! I know that tone. Fine, I'll ask.
Can I borrow that shotgun of yours?


Juliet
My love, t'would wound me not to part with it!
If it is for your sake!


Romeo
Thank you! When light breaks, the Warden shall regret
It's ample usage, and your fairest love.
Now! 'Tis almost morning; I would have thee gone:
And yet no further than a wanton's bird;
Who hops a little from my hand,
And like a poor prisoner in her twisted movements,
With a silk thread about it's leg,
plucks it back again.
So loving-jealous of am I, of her liberty.


Juliet
Wow, that's sounding kind of rapey.
I would prefer we not use that metaphor next time.


Romeo
Sweet, so would I:
Yet I should kill thee with much cherishing.


Juliet
Okay seriously, we need to get you out of there.


Romeo
Good night, good night! parting is such
sweet sorrow,
That I shall say good night till it be morrow.

Exit above


Juliet
Light sleep dwell upon thine eyes, a dagger in thy pillow!
Would I were alertness and a knife, so swift to protect!
And shield you from your roommate, who seeks your zombie virginity!
And hopefully,
Hence will I go to the Voodoo Witchdoctor's lab,
His help to crave, and my dear hap to tell.

Exit

SCENE III. Grave Digger Laurence's cell.

Enter Digger Laurence, with a basket

Digger Laurence
The grey-eyed morn smiles on the frowning night,
Chequering the eastern clouds with streaks of light,
And fading darkness like a drunkard reels
Retreats forth from day's path and Titan's fiery wheels:
Now, ere the sun advance his burning eye,
To usher in day's cheer and force night's dank dew to dry,
I must up-fill these pine coffins of ours,
With recently executed Voodoo mind-slaves and virus-juiced zombie corpses.
The earth that's life's mother is also her tomb;
Her Indian Burial Site is also her womb,
And from her womb children of diverse kind
We human beings feeding on her bounty find,
Many are excellent for many uses,
But for a few, and yet all different.
O, a multitude is the powerful grace that lies
In herbs, plants, beasts, and humans,
and their true qualities:
For nothing so vile on the earth doth live
That to the earth doth not SOME special good doth give,
Except the Undead. In them, all virtue is misled.
Virtue itself turns vice, being misapplied;
And vice sometimes by action dignified.
Within the gagging smell of this one corpse
Hath taken residence both Vice, and Medicinal power:
For this, being slaughtered, with that part cheers each man;
Being bitten by, however, slays all senses in the heart.
Two such opposed kings rule them still
For the Voodoo Witchdoctor summons dead young ladies for the moe,
And the risen dead are jealous of that.
So vile, this war of civil undead strife,
and yet it is so.

Enter Juliet


Juliet
Good morrow, gravedigger.


Digger Laurence
Benedicite!
What early tongue so sweet saluteth me?
Young girl, it argues a drunken head
To so soon bid good morrow to thy bed:
Worry about Zombie Apocalypses keeps it's watch in every old man's eye,
And where worry lodges, sleep will never lie;
But where unbitten youth with unbothered brain
Doth rest their mind, there golden sleep will always reign:
Therefore thy earliness doth me assure
Thou art up-roused by some distemperature;
Or if not so, then here I hit it right,
Our Juliet hath not been in bed to-night.


Juliet
That last is true; the sweeter rest was mine.


Digger Laurence
God pardon sin! wast thou with Mercutio? That guy is hot, yo.


Juliet
With Mercutio, my ghastly gravedigger? no;
I have forgot that name, and that name's woe.


Digger Laurence
Pfffft, wuuuuut? Where hast thou been, then?


Juliet
I'll tell thee, ere thou ask me again.
I have been feasting with mine enemy,
Where on a sudden one hath wounded me,
That's by me wounded: both our remedies
Within thy help and holy shovel lies:
I bear no hatred, blessed man, for, lo,
My intercession likewise steads my foe.


Digger Laurence
Oh no, it was a zombie wasn't it;
And now you want me to put you down.
Oh god, oh god, oh god, oh go-


Juliet
Er, no! I see you're confused.
Then plainly know my heart's dear love is set
On the fair prisoner of Montague Prison:
As mine yearns for his, so his is set on mine;
And all combined, save what thou must combine
By using your morally gray gravedigger powers
to severe the Voodoo Witchdoctor's spell over me,
and dig a tunnel for Romeo's jailhouse breakout:
when and where and how
We met, we woo'd and made exchange of vow,
I'll tell thee as we plan; but this I pray,
That thou consent to free Romeo to-day.


Digger Laurence
Holy Saint Francis, what a change is here!
Is Mercutio, whom thou didst love so dear,
So soon forsaken? Young women's love then lies
Not truly in their hearts, but in their eyes.
Jesu Maria, what a deal of brine
Hath wash'd thy sallow cheeks for Mercutio!
How many tears thrown away in waste,
For a new love, of underworld-make!
The sun not yet the horizon clears,
And thy old groans ring yet in my ancient ears;
Lo, here upon thy cheek the stain doth sit
Of an old tear that is not wash'd off yet:
If e'er thou wast thyself and these woes thine,
Thou and these woes were all for Mercutio:
And art thou changed now? Pronounce this sentence then,
Women may fall, when there's no strength in men.


Juliet
Mercutio was kind of a d**k.


Digger Laurence
Maybe you should have put out a little more.


Juliet
I was MIND CONTROLLED, by an EVIL HAITIAN VOODOO WITCHDOCTOR.


Digger Laurence:
The former not yet in a grave,
You now oust one undead lover, another to have.
And cause Scruffy more damn work.


Juliet
I pray thee, chide not; he whom I love now
Doth grace for grace and love for love allow;
The other did not so.


Digger Laurence
O, he knew well
Thy love did read like a bad porno script, and Mercutio is too good for that.
But come, young waverer, come, go with me,
In one respect I'll thy assistant be;
For this alliance may so happy prove,
To turn our races' rancour to pure love
And bond the houses of Zombies, Undead Assistants, and Man.


Juliet
O, let us hence; I stand on sudden haste.


Digger Laurence
Wisely and slow; they stumble that run fast.
And shatter decomposed skulls, which do not last.

Exeunt

SCENE IV. A street.

Enter BENVOLIO and MERCUTIO

MERCUTIO
Where the devil should this Juliet be?
Came she not home to-night?


BENVOLIO
Not to her father's; I spoke with his servant.


MERCUTIO
Ah, that same pale hard-hearted wench, that Juliet.
The town bicycle sought me, but I refused.
It torments her so, that she will sure run mad.


BENVOLIO
Tybalt, the Master of old Montague Castle,
Hath sent a letter to her father's house.


MERCUTIO
A love letter, on my life.


BENVOLIO
Juliet will answer it.


MERCUTIO
Any Assistant that can write may answer a letter.


BENVOLIO
Nay, she will answer the letter's master, and dare the beastly Warden, being so dared.


MERCUTIO
Alas poor Juliet! She is already dead;
reborn only through the Voodoo Witchdoctor's good will;
and shot through the ear with a love-song devouted to me;
Her heart cleft in twine with the blind bow-boy's butt-shaft:
and is she to reject him? To encounter Tybalt?
He who loathes undead, most of all?


BENVOLIO
Why, what is Tybalt?


MERCUTIO
More than prince of cats, I can tell you. O, he is
the courageous captain of compliments. He fights as
you sing p***k-song, keeps time, distance, and
proportion; rests me his minim rest, one, two, and
the third in your bosom: the very butcher of a silk
button, a duelist, a duelist; a gentleman of the
very first house, of the first and second cause:
ah, the immortal passado! the punto reverso! the
hai!


BENVOLIO
The what?


MERCUTIO
The pox of such antic, lisping, affecting
fantasticoes; the executor of the undead, you nitwit! 'By Jesu,
a very good blade! a very tall man! a very good
whore!' Why, is not this a lamentable thing,
grandsire, that we should be thus afflicted with
these strange beings, these fear-mongers, these
prima-donnas who seek only to kill those already dead,
who stand so much on the "right side",
that they cannot be at ease even
when we swear an oath, to eat no brains, and let them be?
O, their ignorant bones, their bones!

Enter Romeo


BENVOLIO
Here comes Romeo, due for death! Here comes Romeo.


MERCUTIO
Without his usual roe, lifeless like a dried herring: flesh, flesh,
how art thou fishified! Now is he for the numbers
that Petrarch flowed in: Laura to his lady was but a
kitchen-wench; marry, she had a better love to
be-rhyme her; Dido a dowdy; Cleopatra a gipsy;
Helen and Hero hildings and harlots; Thisbe a grey
eye or so, but not to the purpose. Signior
Romeo, bon jour! there's a French salutation
to your French slop. You gave us the counterfeit
fairly last night.


ROMEO
Good morrow to you both. What counterfeit did I give you?


MERCUTIO
The ship, sir, the slip; can you not conceive?


ROMEO
Ha, puns. Pardon, good Mercutio, my business was great; and in
such a case as mine a man may strain courtesy. I was led to my cell after dinner, and prepped for the gallows.


MERCUTIO
That's as much as to say, such a case as yours
constrains a man to bow in the hams.


ROMEO
You mean, to court'sy?


MERCUTIO
Thou hast most kindly hit it.


ROMEO
Dude, what the hell are you smoking?


MERCUTIO
I'm saying you're whining like a little girl.


ROMEO
Dude. I'm about to take a machete to the back of the skull.


MERCUTIO
Right. My bad.


ROMEO
No worries bro.


MERCUTIO
Well said: follow me this jest now till thou hast
worn out thy-


ROMEO
OH MY GOOOOOOOOOOOOOD-


MERCUTIO
Come between us, good Benvolio; his wits fail him.


ROMEO
Well, I AM a Zombie. A part or two of my brain may have rotted along the way...


MERCUTIO
Nay, if thy wits return, then I have done,
for thou hast more whiny sourpuss-ness in one of thy fingers
I am sure, than I have in my whole five:
Shall I fetch your tutu, madam?


ROMEO
Warden! Can we move up this execution? Come oooon, snap snap!


MERCUTIO
I bribed the Warden. I have, like, a half hour for all these things.


ROMEO
Noooooo.


MERCUTIO
Thy wit snaps at last; come here, and let me taste your tears. They must be quite sweet.


ROMEO
BRAIIIIIIIIIIIINS-


MERCUTIO
Oh s**t, get back Benvolio! He's gone rabid.


BENVOLIO
I told you to stop screwing with him! He's a freaking zombie dude! He's gone crazy!


MERCUTIO
Why, is not this better now than groaning for love?
now art thou sociable, now art thou Romeo; now art
thou what thou art, by art as well as by nature:
for this drivelling zombie is the greatest creation of nature,
and shall bite the Warden before the day is out!
Do not give in to the hangman; her noose is loose
If thou knowest what I'm talking about.


BENVOLIO
Stop there, stop there.


MERCUTIO
Thou desirest me to stop in my tale against the prison staff?


BENVOLIO
Thou wouldst else have made thy tale large...and detailed...and DAMN IT MERCUTIO, stop sleeping with the Wardens!


MERCUTIO
O, thou art deceived; I would have made my tale short:
for I was come to the whole depth of my tale; and
meant, indeed, to occupy the argument no longer.


ROMEO
Here's goodly gear!

Enter Warden and PETER


MERCUTIO
A pig, a pig!


BENVOLIO
Two, two; both ham, and bacon!


Warden
Peter!


EXECUTIONER PETER
Anon!


Warden
My nightstick, Peter.


MERCUTIO
Good Peter, to hide her face; for her fan's the
fairer face.


Warden
Good morrow, gentlemen. Mercutio.


MERCUTIO
God bid ye good morrow then, fair gentlewoman.


Warden
Is it good then?


MERCUTIO
'Tis no less, I tell you, for the bawdy hand of the
dial was now upon the p***k of midnight,
and I was still...discussing things with you.


Warden
Out upon you! What a man are you!


ROMEO
One, gentlewoman, that God hath made for himself to
mar.


Warden
By my troth, it is well said; 'for himself to mar,'
quoth you? Gentlemen, can any of you tell me where I
may find the young Romeo?


ROMEO
I can tell you; but young Romeo will be older when
you have found him than he was when you sought him:
I am the youngest of that name, for fault of a worse.


Warden
Can I beat him?


MERCUTIO
Yea, just not the face.


Warden
Anon! If you be he, sir, I desire some confidence with
you.


BENVOLIO
She will indite him to some supper.


MERCUTIO
A bawd, a bawd, a bawd! so ho!


ROMEO
What hast thou found?


Warden
Last night, we shot a prisoner escaping this zombie pen.
Tybalt seeks he who entreated him to such foolishness.


BENVOLIO
Sings

A break, a break
A prison break!
Is very good meat for a story~
But for Romeo, a corpse can mean~
Only that he's sorry~


ROMEO
I am dead regardless.
What power hath Tybalt over me, any longer?


MERCUTIO
Farewell, loose lady;
farewell, Zombie Romeo~
Singing

Exeunt MERCUTIO and BENVOLIO


Warden
Call me! I pray you, sir, what saucy
merchant was this, that was so full of his ropery?
And how do I get him to call me?


ROMEO
A gentleman, ma'am, that loves to hear himself talk,
and will speak more in a minute than he will stand
to in a month.


Warden
Dat a**...oh gawd. And if he had a brother...
Siblings, who were lustier than he is, and twenty such
Jacks; and if I cannot entertain them all, I-ah!
Scurvy knave! You're trying to divert me; I am
still kind of a b*tch. And thou must stand by
too, for your execution approaches,
and the whole town shall attend.


EXECUTIONER PETER
I saw no man use you as a pleasure; if I had, my weapon
should quickly have been out, I warrant you: I dare
draw as soon as any of these vermin undead,
rash in their imprisonment, make a move.
If I see occasion in a good quarrel, and the law on my side.
I'll lop ALL the heads off!


Warden
Now, afore God, I am so vexed, that every part about
me quivers. Scurvy knave! Pray you, sir, a word:
and as I told you, my lord bade me inquire you
out; what he bade me say, I will keep to myself:
there were a lot of curse words.
but first let me tell ye, if ye should attempt to break out,
I've seen Tybalt's answer; it is a fool's errand as they say,
it were a very gross kind of behavior, brains all over the wall:
for the Warden's Master is young;
and, therefore, if you should deal double
with him, your corpse shall hang above this,
the Prison Courtyard.


ROMEO
Warden, commend me to thy Master and Commander. I
protest unto thee--


Warden
Good heart, and, i' faith, I will tell him as much:
Now seriously, shut the HELL up.


ROMEO
What wilt thou tell him, Warden? Thou dost not mark me.


Warden
I will tell him, sir, that you do not protest; which, as
I take it, means you'll do me a favor and get Mercutio to pay me another visit. Capeche?


ROMEO
Bid him suck it,
If he cannot slay me 'afore noon,
I'll tell everyone I had sex with his sister,
and it was bad.


Warden
Oh you are SO dead.


ROMEO
I have higher chances than you do with Mercutio.


Warden
YOU SHUT YOUR MOUTH.


ROMEO
And stay, good Warden behind the prison's walls:
Within this hour your man shall be with ,e
And bring a machete and torch for making quick work
To snuff out the top-gallant of my joy
When he does, I'll claw him down to size
And eat him with a nice side of fava beans, and chianti.


Warden
This is why I hate Zombies.


ROMEO
What say'st thou, my dear Warden?


Warden
Going! Going, jeezus.


ROMEO
I warrant thee, my hunger's growing, and my teeth are sharp as steel.


Warden
EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEY-


ROMEO
Go on, get out of here! I'mma chase you out of here!

Exit Warden


Romeo
When she returns, I shall reveal the shotgun given me,
by dearest Juliet, and make dear Tybalt pay.
Then, freed my brothers shall feast,
and Juliet shall reunite with me,
amidst joyous bloodbathe.

Exeunt

SCENE V. Capulet's orchard.

Enter JULIET

JULIET
The clock struck three, three fitty when I did send the Gravedigger;
In half an hour he promised to return.
Perchance he cannot meet him: that's not so.
O, he is lame! Perchance, a zombie chewed his leg?
Were that thoughts were love's messenger!
Which ten times faster glide than the sun's beams,
Driving back shadows over louring hills:
Therefore do nimble-pinion'd doves draw love,
And therefore hath the wind-swift Cupid wings.
Now is the sun upon the highmost hill
Of this day's journey, and from three till three fitty
Is a really long time in zombie years, yet he is not come.
Had he affections and warm youthful blood,
He would be as swift in motion as a ball;
My words would bandy him to my sweet love,
And his to me:
But old folks, many feign as they were dead;
Unwieldy, slow, heavy and pale as lead.
O God, he comes!

Enter Gravedigger Laurence and EXECUTIONER PETER

O foulest Scruffy, what news?
Hast thou met with him? Send thy man away.

Laurence
Peter, stay at the gate.

Exit PETER


JULIET
Now, good sweet Gravedi--O Lord, why look'st thou sad?
Though news be sad, yet tell them merrily;
If good, thou shamest the music of sweet news
By playing it to me with so sour a face.


Digger Laurence
I am a-weary, give me leave awhile:
Fie, how my bones ache! what a jaunt have I had!


JULIET
I would thou hadst my bones, and I thy news:
Nay, come, I pray thee, speak; good, good Scruffy, speak.


Digger Laurence
Jesu, what haste? can you not stay awhile?
Do you not see that I am out of breath?


JULIET
How art thou out of breath, when thou hast breath
To say to me that thou art out of breath?
The excuse that thou dost make in this delay
Is longer than the tale thou dost excuse.
Is thy news good, or bad? answer to that;
Say either, and I'll stay the circumstance:
Let me be satisfied, is't good or bad?


Digger Laurence
Well, you have made a foolish choice; you know not
how to choose a man: Romeo! no, not he; though his
face be better than any zombie's, though his leg excels
all men's, ensuring a kill; and for a hand, and a foot, and a body,
though they be not to be talked on, yet they are
past compare. But! He is not the flower of courtesy,
nay, and I'll warrant him, he’s brutal as any zombie. Go thy
ways, wench; serve the evil Voodoo Witchdoctor.
What, have you not heard the sounds of massacre at the prison?
The Horde he unleashed, hath eaten every soul.
He is definitely a Zombie, and chews even now,
Upon the unsuspecting wardens’ families.


JULIET
No, no: but all this did I know before.
Well, I kind of guessed, anyways.
What says he of our marriage, though? what of that?


Digger Laurence
Lord, how my heart aches! what a heart have I!
It beats as it would fall in twenty pieces.
My back o' t' other side,--O, my back, my back!
Beshrew your heart for sending me about,
To catch my death with jaunting away from zombies!


Juliet
I'd faith, I am sorry that thou art not well.
Sweet, sweet, sweet Scruffy, tell me, what says my love?


Digger Laurence
Your love says, like an honest gentleman, and a
courteous, and a kind, and a handsome, and, I
warrant, a virtuous,--Where is your mother?


JULIET
Where is my mother! why, she is within a grave;
As you’d expect after I was revived 300 years later,
At the hands of the Voodoo Witchdoctor.
Where should she be? How oddly thou repliest!
'Your love says, like an honest gentleman,
Where is your mother?'


Digger Laurence
O God's lady dear!
Are you so hot? marry, come up, I trow;
Is this the poultice for my aching bones?
Henceforward do your messages yourself.


JULIET
Here's such a coil! come, what says Romeo?


Digger Laurence
Well, he was kind of in the swings of things,
So mostly “Braaaiiins”, and “Grrrrr!”
Have you got leave to go to shrift to-day?


JULIET
I have.


Digger Laurence
Then go you hence to my graveyard;
There stays a husband to make you a wife:
Now comes the wanton blood up in your cheeks,
They'll be in scarlet straight at any news.
Delicious to Zombies, I bet. Dirty bastards.
Hie you to church; I must another way,
To fetch a ladder, by the which your love
Must climb a bird's nest soon when it is dark:
I am the drudge and toil in your delight,
But you shall bear the burden soon at night.
When the Voodoo Witchdoctor learns of this,
He shall strike, and only your love will be able
To slay him, and free you from the curse.
Go; I'll to grab a beer or something: hie you to the graveyard.


JULIET
Hie to high fortune! Honest Gravedigger, farewell.

Exeunt

SCENE VI. Gravedigger Laurence’s Cemetary

Enter GRAVEDIGGER LAURENCE and ROMEO

Digger Laurence
So smile the Gray-ness upon this questionable act,
That after hours with sorrow and a timeout so,
I could bury all the bodies…something something…


ROMEO
Amen, amen! but come what sorrow can,
It cannot countervail the exchange of joy
That one short minute gives me in her sight:
Do thou but close our hands with holy words,
Cover our hands in graveyard dirt and blood,
Then love-devouring death do what he dare!
It is enough I may but call her mine.


Digger Laurence
These violent delights have violent ends
And in their triumph die, like fire and powder,
Which as they kiss consume: the sweetest honey
Is loathsome in his own deliciousness
And in the taste confounds the appetite:
Therefore love moderately; long love doth so;
And kill that DAMNED Voodoo Witchdoctor.
I have family I’d rather not have to face,
Putting a shovel through their brain.

Enter JULIET

Here comes the lady: O, so light a foot
Will ne'er wear out the everlasting flint:
A lover may bestride the gossamer
That idles in the wanton summer air,
And yet not fall; so light is vanity.


JULIET
Good even to my ghoulish confessor.


Digger Laurence
Romeo shall thank thee, grave-daughter, for us both.


JULIET
As much to him, else is his thanks too much.


ROMEO
Ah, Juliet, if the measure of thy joy
Be heap'd like mine and that thy skill be more
To blazon it, then sweeten with thy breath
This neighbour air, and let rich music's tongue
Unfold the imagined happiness that both
Receive in either by this dear encounter.
Your words shall be like a breath, of fresh brains,
Which still tastes fresh upon my lips!


JULIET
Conceit, more rich in matter than in words,
Brags of his substance…and reveals you’ve been eating people. AGAIN.
They are but beggars that can count their own worth;
But true love swells my value to such excess
I cannot sum up the sum of even half my wealth.


Digger Laurence
Come, come with me, and we will make short work;
For, by your leaves, you shall not stay alone
Till Cemetary morally-wishy-washyness
Doth’ incorporate two in one.
And slay the Voodoo Witchdoctor,
Who oppresses both Assistants,
And Zombies alike.
Long live the Undead.
That which is dead can never die.

ExeuntPersonae