Welcome to Gaia! ::

I honestly don't know where to begin. I don't know anyone in this guild and I haven't had the opportunity to really talk talk about my personal doubts and unspoken questions about who I am vs who I want to be vs what society expects me to be with anybody who could maybe really help. Sure, I've mentioned it and tried to talk about it to some people -- a select few, to be sure -- but I always seem to get nowhere.

I'm basically stuck in a rut and would really appreciate a chance to talk about what's been plaguing my mind for the last few years. There are a lot of factors, but I don't want to bore anyone with a huge novel post that would take hours to read. I guess this post alone is TMI, but the R should be warning enough; if TMI pisses you off or bothers you, read no further. I'm sorry if this does bother you, but I feel the need to say something about this; if I don't say it sometime, it will never get said and I'll have joined this guild for no reason.



I was a tomboy for most of my childhood, but had suppress a lot of my personal identity for what felt like several years growing up due to my parents' religious journey (basically, I had to dress like an Amish girl for about three or so years and act like one too). By the time I no longer had to suppress my boyish tendencies, I had a lot of anger and emotional tension that kind of controlled me until I grew up, mellowed out and started self-examining. I have been identifying as male on the internet since I was thirteen and have been crossdressing since I was sixteen. (Reference Note: I'm twenty-one.)

I was homeschooled all my life until college, and as such had a considerably biased view of the world until I managed to get out and see it for myself. My parents raised me in a world of contradictions, not only as far as religion goes but also as far as habits and personality goes: for example, they encouraged me to have a thirst for knowledge and understanding, yet would get angry if I questioned anything they did or said. I am also the middle child of six children, and as such developed the habit of having a loud voice yet being reluctant to state any opinion that could be seen as controversial or even slightly humiliating. I also am very afraid of being the unwelcome outsider in a group and fear rejection and disapproval, which makes me honestly very afraid to openly identify myself as anything that isn't acceptably unusual (IE: It's okay for me to tell people I crossplay, but I chicken out any time the subject of orientation or gender identity gets brought up because I don't want to be 1) laughed at or 2) labeled as a phony or a wannabe).

I have never met a transgender person face-to-face aside from Bunny Bennett of Steam Powered Giraffe; even that was fleeting and I didn't get the opportunity to ask her anything about being transgender or anything else, really. I will be moving in with an FtM roommate next spring, but the results of that are to be seen; I've only talked to him via Skype and as far as he is aware, I've settled myself into the "otherwise" category and that's it. I tried to talk to a gay friend of mine about my concerns and, although he did his best to try to help me understand things, the only advice he had was to try being a lesbian first. I suppose that's sound enough advice, but I'm not that into relationships of any kind right now and might not ever be. I also don't think it would be fair to experiment like that with anyone, no matter how honest I was about it.

That whole "experimentation" thing is a biggie for me. I don't like making promises I can't keep, and identifying as anything is like a promise for me. What I don't want to be is one of those people who hops from identity to identity like it's a new set of clothes every day. I do identify as male at every con I go to (to little or no success, as my figure is very obviously female) and at work, I have asked my fellow employees to call me Eugene. In fact, I had to directly ask two co-workers to stop calling me things like "little lady" and "miss" and "little girl". In the end, I just wrote my request down on paper (because I'm that much of a social chicken) and handed it to each of them. One of them was okay with it; the other still calls me "miss" and bitched about the request to my older sister, who was working there at the time... I'm not exactly happy about that, to be honest.

So as you can probably tell, I have a lot of questions that I don't know how to ask and I am dying for answers. I want to know more and I need advice on how to approach the subject objectively while being honest with myself.

Thanks, Sifen.

One of the reasons I feel a need to know is that I know that not knowing bugs the crap out of me, and the fact that transitioning could affect my career makes things even more worrisome.

I'm trying to take things step by step, as mentioned above (identifying by a male name in a single public environment, etc.) but I'll admit, impatience is a problem I do have, especially where I'm personally concerned. Hell, I still get angry with myself for letting my OCD take over, especially in public ("Yes, Ms. ______?" "What?" "You were waving your pencil, I thought you had something to share." "Erm, no..." >,> Shut up, Lawrence, goddammit. -- But the peripherals and the shadows and the pencil and the tip of your nose must harmonize with the number three!!! -- I said ******** no, goddammit!)

Thanks!

Unfortunately, the managers at my workplace don't really care how the workers treat each other. Hell, they themselves are very sexist and discriminatory; one of them tried to tell my sister and another manager that I was mentally retarded, and the store manager refuses to hire males unless he runs out of female applicants first.

I'm not the type to raise a fuss or push back, usually, so telling people to switch pronouns is something I don't really have the courage to do yet, to be honest, even though it does bug me a lot. I feel it would be pointless anyway; I am very obviously female as far as my body type goes, and society isn't at the point yet where people can just ignore the presence of large titties and wide, swanky hips, LOL. However, asking them to stop calling me names my parents only call me when they want to make me feel stupid or powerless -- that I do have a big issue with, which is why I was able to finally ask her to stop it. However, she still acts like it's a big deal, and now her favorite thing to do is say, "Hey, Miss Eugene -- I mean Eugene --" or "Hey, ma'am, would you (etc)" even though in my letter I made it clear to her that I'd like her to stop being gender-specific with me.

I try not to let it matter, but for some reason it still does.

As for the relationship thing, I have dated occasionally, but I've found that it's not my thing. I'm just not interested in relationships or intimacy that goes beyond friendship. That's another reason the whole "experiment" idea bothered me. I shouldn't have to have sex with a stranger or date somebody under the pretense of trust and affection just to figure out who I am. I'm also on the same page as far as living without a life partner goes. If I do fall in love, yippee. If I don't, oh well; I can still be an enthusiastic, productive, proactive citizen of the universe and that's all that matters to me.

I share the sentiment. I joined this group hoping to find answers and a better understanding of the transgender spectrum so I could better understand myself, basically.

Like I said, I'm hoping that after I move out-of-state I'll have more freedom to express myself and explore things. I can't help but still feel like I know next to nothing about what it is to be transgender and therefore I have no way of knowing if I really am or not.