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ok... i need some serious talkage from someone...
ok.. me and my ex, daniel, have been totally silent to each other since january, we eventually communicated our issues with one another through email, and he said some really harsh cruel things to me about myself and things i cannot change about myself. i've pretty much felt only hate, sadness and emptyness since then.
the time we were together i was sure it wouldn't last even though i didn't show it like that, i forced myself not to love him, to show effection but not state it in a way that would make it official, so when we broke up (which i stupidly expected to be around next august really) i wouln't hurt as much.
I've pretty much stayed out of his way... i was confused though, he still wears the neckalce and such i gave him last year, even though he seemed to show utter hate for me.
a cheerleader the band (we're both in band together) in general was close to, and he was really good friends with. i was soothing my 3rd chair french horn player who knew her very well, and Dan was around as well, none of us wanted to be in band. i wanted so bad to go comfort him, i still cared for him, i had to, the guy i shared so many intimate moments and so many firsts and lasts with, how could i not still feel a closeness to him? but... i was afraid, of what he'd say, or do, i didn't want to make him more upset, i didn't want him angry or anything, i definitely didn't want to get hurt, by how i reacted to him or how he'd react to me... so i forced myself to ignore that feeling my heart was pounding into my mind.
i tlaked to eric about it... he didn't say much, he just wondered why i still cared about and worried for Dan, after what he's said and done.
after lunch, 4th passing i was worried about being late, and i figured Dan had left, but i saw him as i was passing i asked how he was doing and if everythign was going to be ok with him, he said nto really, and he said she'd be fine, i already knew that, i knew everything, i just answered with a soft "yeah" then he spoke...
"kali... i loved you... i wanted to break up with you for my own personal reasons..." and thats all i can really quote completely... i was so surprised... i like... i didn't know what to say... nor did i want another detention on my record in this class... so i just said "i think i understand, dan, i'll see you later ok?"
i feel like i should have said more.,.. i still want to talk to him but i think its just a one time thing... i don't know... i don't know anything. i'm not sad or angry or anything about this... i'm just... frustrated, and confused.
and eric isn't really helping, he doesn't seem to care or feel as passionately as i usually do.
i miss Dan, i will never forget him...
can i have opinions, ideas, comfort? froms someone who can't judge me like everyone else does?
i guess... i am just posting this uselessly... but i really can't take everything thats happened.

if you want to go ahead... i read all advice its whether its worth using or not... i go through every possible scenario to everything i'd say before actually saying it... don't be afraid to say something dumb.

but...
i just want to cry right now... crying gonk sweatdrop xp

haha knowing Daniel, and what has happpened before.... theres a very smalll chance that everything will be fallinginto place any time soon.
but *huggles* i am a bit confused... xp

yeah i'll post everything we said in our texts later... i've been talking to my friend Zack and i have a new outlook... i don't really care about Dan anymore after what he said but i'll post it later.