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 Posted: Mon Aug 25, 2014 12:00 pm
Name: Allison Abson Nickname: Ally, or Lee works. Allison is right out. Age: 17 Birthday: March 17th Sign: Pisces Gemstone: Amethyst; though Ally prefers Aquamarine. Blood Type: A+ Fav. Food: Meat. Red meat, fish, coneless chicken. She prefers it well seasoned and grilled. She also pretty much eats anything Mama Abson makes except a few things., cheesy meals, and hot food. Delicious burn in and out~ Hated Food: Poorly made or undercooked meat, raw mushrooms, stringbeans, canned vegetables, and yellow squash. Ally also avoids eating enchiladas for emotional reasons. School: Saint Mags (She was admitted due to coming from the system); after school she works at Mocha Mountain when her homework is done, though. Hobbies: Society for Creative Anachronisms - Ally joined the SCA before adoption proper because she needed an outlet for some anger, and what better than a new thing to do Ally has taken to the SCA very well, and has gotten into fighting with boffers. Ally intends to eventually get into heavy fighting-slash-swordplay, and her personas tend towards being a male from Germany as opposed to being female. Ally continues being in the SCA with her adoptoive mother Alex, and tends to help in the kitchens when not fighting with boffers or running loose like a maniac - after all, lifting heavy things builds muscles for fighting. Tinkering - Ally likes taking things apart. This alone lends into trouble as Ally will gladly part out anything if it looks unuse, from computers to laptops to DVD players to clocks. Really, if it's a mechanism, she tinkers to see how it works, if she can put it back together, and maybe use these weird unneeded parts to make something cool. DIY kits are her favorite thing to buy to keep from tearing apart the house, and she's only tinkered with a car in a simulation, but hey! TINKERING! All in all, she likes to meddle in things, if nothing else for funsies. Aviation - Ally is a fan of aviation history, the history of assorted planes, flight, and, morbidly, aviation incidents and will happily lump in the space race here. Ally will geek at the drop of the hat about the history of the B-2 bomber, the Concorde from Britain and France, and she will be disturbingly happy chatting about various facts and figures of both cases where all hands and passengers die horrible deaths and where people lived, with equal vigor. Ally takes time to find aviation museums in the state and managed to use hjer money working Mocha Mountain one summer to save and visit Boeing Field. Ally loves all things aviation, and the faster, the better. Virtues: KindNo pain, no lies, no tears. The time is almost here.Ally has walked through the valley of death (or at least sorrow!) and has come out with a strng concern for the well being of others. Grateful the worst has past, Ally tries to treat others well, and to help those she can. While a branching description, she ranges from a simple smile to a stranger to talking to customers in Mocha Mountain drowning a breakup or divorce in coffee, to trying to donae old clothing to Goodwill, ETC. She genuinely cares for, worries, and tries to be good to other people, and if she can't, that's okay. Creative Problem SolverAnd I said "Bounce the graviton particle beam off the main deflector dish, thats the way we do thinks lad, we're makin' s**t up as we wish!"Ally is rather good at sorting out ideas and executing them, especially with tech. Srew MacGuyver - Ally's tinkering habit- I mean, hobby can actually give her good ideas for fixing things beyond duct tape and she's also good at solving how to sort customer problems. Many of her solutions take radical things people may not think of into account, making her very good at problem solving, and helping others with problems outside work as well. She's serious about nuking a potato to cook it, for example, or using weird things. Gets the job done! OutgoingLucretia, my Reflecton, dance the coast with me.Ally is a social person. She talks to many people and is usually friendly and cheery (if dark...) in conversations, and oftentimes will be the sort to hold conversations with random classmates and customers, making her good at handling people. She's often seen at work checking in on people's lives, and showing interest in most people, simply because that's how she is. AgreeableTo the soldier, the civilian, the martyr, the victim; this is war.Ally goes with just about anything with a smile and an outwardly broad grin, even if inside she's taking your name in vain. She goes along with most plans and ideas because she enjoys spreading attentiuon between herself and her friends or mother, and Ally generally never corrects people or bothers with thinking on gender pronouns despite self-identification as genderfluid, possibly androgynous, simply because she understands that thinking without gender pronoyuns can be hard as heck. She tries to be as agreeable as possible while being pleasant, and she's usually happy when it makes others happy, even when she herself might not be happy. Flaws: Gallows HumourAnd I sang DEATH DEATH DEVIL DEVIL DEVIL DEVIL EVIL EVIL EVIL EVIL SONGS!Prior to foster care and adoption, Ally had a very unpleasant childhood, and it bent her sense of humor in terms of things. Ally has a very DARK sense of humor. While she's amused by normal, pleasant, and generally safe for all jokes, she also makes several dark, off color, or plain creepy jokes. She laughs at the death of people she feels deserves it, or finds some things funny. While in no way intended to be malicious, she comes off as a bit cold, frightening, and unfeeling when it comes out. Dark humour is how she copes, but it isn't the most endearing unless you're into dark or gallows humor. BitterSelf-rightious, judgemental, the first to throw the stone!Ally is very bitter. She's bitter that the system left her in an abusive home as a young girl so long, she's bitter at how kids are handled, she's bitter about not having the childhood she wants, andshe's buitter about fifty thousand other things,and it eats her up leading to the need to vent at fight practice, and as much as she doesn't want to, she resents others sometimes for things they and she can't help. She's not proud, and it isn't very polite at all. BroThink of all the things we could do...Ally is kind of.... Not.... Really.... How to phrase it best is Ally kind of acts like a fratboy. Not in the good ways either- at times Ally is known to sniff clothes to see if they need washed yet and will rewear the least stinky - which is fine, ecept she's inclined towards stupid feats to impress boys and girls and others, hooting and hollaring too loudly at inoppotune times, and acting sort of... Stupid fratboylike. While not the football sort (She's more oisy at SCA events), she still has enough 'Bro' traits to come off as really, really obnoxious if not careful. Like, really obnoxious. Bottle Rocket EmotionsWill I choose water over wine, hold my own and drive?Ally is agreeable, friendly, saocial, and generally exhibits emotions... But they're very, very stifled. Her emotions lean towards coming across as barely responsive, or as apathy or not caring, and passion is not deep on the surface. This is in fact because outside of a very small handful of people, Ally wiull not express too much emotion, instead bottling everything, good and bad, up inside until stress or some other significant trigger puts her into an emotional trainwreck. While positive explosions do happen, such as a deeply desired new object or trip around close family and friends, the big things people see explode whom are not related see is rage, hurt, sadness, and a lot of other negative emotions in a psychologic hull breach of her carefully contained (or rather, over-contained) emotions that she will then try covering with Gallows jokes or with self-depreciating jokes to try to re-bottle the guilt for exploding. Luckily, her mother is working with her, bu it's a long, slow process. PHYSICAL DESCRIPTION Eyes: Hazel, large, and probably judging you. The Specific hazel is green fading into gold with light brown flecks - depending on the light, she looks to have brown, green, or yellow eyes. Hair: Ally has short, pixie cut, feathered, chestnut hair with a light blue streak in her bangs. The style is androgynous and has been mistaken for a boy's cut. Face: Ally has tanned skin and a rounder face, somewhat oval shaped, and with a thin lipped face and a stocky, celtic build. Clothes: GOTH. Especially Bat Caver or Gothic Victorian - male and female outfits. Ally does not actually identify with a gender yet and will be more comfortable binding in a man's outfit sometimes and others if she's not looking girly she begins panicking. Male gothic victorian refFemale Gothic Victorian ref
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Posted: Mon Aug 25, 2014 12:03 pm
Knight Title: Afon Wysg, Page of Earth * I strongly rather use the Welsh as opposed to English naming convention - it is more appropriate to the Earth region, and would have been in use longer and is still, in fact, in use. (Seriously. Google proved it.) Challenge: Forward, the Light Brigade! // Fight those bastards till they yeild! Uniform: Here mixed with here. I totally did draw up refs, yes I did. Top -- Bottoms -- Gloves -- Belt -- Shoes -- Shoulders -- Accessories -- Weapon -- Page - A branch of Elder, a light coloured wood with dark ribbing. It's the size of a nice, long cane. Squire - A plain, carved staff of elderwood. It is light coloured wood with darker ribbing in it and likely looks like being hit with it might turn up unpleasant. Magic - Afon Wysg focuses on their staff, from which a twig of elderberries grows (approximately 3-4 elderberries being on the twig). Afon Wysg may then pick then, and they may be consumed by themself or an ally to heal light damage (cuts/bruises). Afon's magic pool lasts 30 seconds, before the twig and any unused berries wither and turn to dust. Knight Fancy carved Elderwood staff, with moonstone in it, celtic knot carving as a possibility, and general fancy Welsh-Celtic aesthetic. Magic - Afon Wysg focuses on their staff, from which a twig of elderberries grows (approximately 3-4 elderberries being on the twig). Afon Wysg may then pick then, and they may be consumed by themself or an ally to heal light damage (cuts/bruises). Afon's magic pool lasts 45 seconds, before the twig and any unused berries wither and turn to dust. * Elder and Elderberries, esp. and specifically black Elderberries, are commonly used in folk medicine for illness and in China, for injury as well. Summon: A horse sized ferret. Basically, the ferret does a "weasel War dance" in front of one opponent to conjure up a dirt barrier between an ally and the enemy attacking. The ferret dirt can be toppled or moved readily, generally because it is very, very loose dirt.in a pile.
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Posted: Mon Aug 25, 2014 12:05 pm
To note, Das is questing Ally's foster mom, Judy Abson, at some point, she just has had work eat her. THIS IS A THING I JUST WANTED KNOWN BEFORE PEOPLE ASK DAS ABOUT IT.
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Posted: Sat Oct 18, 2014 9:46 am
Hey, Nova - would you be okay with me dropping a round of crit on Ally? It looks like you've filled out all your forms, but you haven't requested any in your title, so I wanted to ask before I did.
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Posted: Sat Oct 18, 2014 10:09 am
Silverah Hey, Nova - would you be okay with me dropping a round of crit on Ally? It looks like you've filled out all your forms, but you haven't requested any in your title, so I wanted to ask before I did. Go for it? She probably needs it. He. She. Them. XD
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Posted: Sat Oct 18, 2014 11:44 am
xxxNovaCracker Go for it? She probably needs it. He. She. Them. XD Okay, so first of all, if Ally is a boy (since you say, yourself, in your appearance section, that Ally is transgender, assigned female at birth, but identifies as a boy), then you should refer to him with male pronouns all the way through, and your response just now of misgendering him was extremely uncomfortable. There are people in this shop for whom being trans men is not a gimmick that they apply to their characters, it's their lived experience that they deal with every day of their lives, and being gendered correctly by others is a daily struggle for them. If you were to play a character who you claimed shared their experiences and then didn't respect those experiences, then you are indirectly disrespecting them and creating a hostile shop environment. This is incredibly sensitive subject matter - please proceed with care and caution. If you are going to write a trans character, it's imperative to respect your trans character, and that means using the correct pronouns. If Ally does not, in fact, identify as a boy, and is instead agender, bigender, or anything else that would make it appropriate to sometimes call him "she" or "they," then please absolutely be clear about that, because as it stands, you've written a trans man and then gone and disrespected not only him, but also every transgender individual who struggles on a daily basis to have their gender, as they choose to live it, be considered legitimate. Writing a character who happens to not be cis can definitely be done, but please be mindful of how people living those experiences might feel about how you portray a trans character. With that said, we now move on to your scheduled critique. Past this point, you're free to take or leave anything I say and if anything strikes you as running contrary to what you want to achieve with Ally, feel free to disregard it. General overview-The foster system distinguishes between foster and adoptive parents. If Judy Abson is Ally's foster mother and never legally adopted him, he wouldn't have the same last name as her. Foster children generally keep their original family names until they are removed from the foster system via adoption. If Ally aged out of foster care at eighteen and changed his last name later, that would be possible - but it might make more sense to have Ally been in a foster-to-adopt situation, rather than a straight foster situation. This would also make sense on Judy's behalf, because it would negate the risk of Ally being removed from her home at random. -if Ally is an adult and out of school, you're safe to go ahead and change that section to read "Occupation." I'm not sure why you've included the detail about him working as a handyman persistently (fix your spelling) throwing people - what about him is surprising? If it's gimmicky and related to his personal appearance, consider leaving it out. -Check your spelling and grammar throughout this entire writeup! If you would like me to go over this again once you've finished making changes to the profile and look just for spelling and grammar issues, please let me know. smile HobbiesFlight looks good already, but I have two big sticking points here. One, Ally "sort of" having a thing undermines exactly how interested in aviation he is. Just say he has a thing, or a major thing. Secondly, I'd personally love to see even one sentence about how Ally became interested in flight in the first place - has he been interested in it since he was a little kid? Did he become interested in it later? Cosmonaut and Astronaut aren't proper nouns and don't need to be capitalized, by the way. Reading is also a good base, but the writeup needs work. I understand that Ally probably learned to read before he began to outwardly identify as male, but the general preference when writing about transgender people pre-transition is to still use their preferred pronouns. I'm also not sure how this is "another rare decent moment of his mother," because you haven't given us anything about his (I presume biological/birth) mother to show that she has previous decent moments. I think you might want to lose "deranged, in a way" and go for something more like "obsessive" or "intense" love "for" it instead, which might convey the magnitude of Ally's interest without the awkward negative connotations. Your last sentence here is really confusing - you might want to try "He likes to learn new tidbits, especially about subjects he's already interested in, and he tends towards reading whenever he has free time or if he's bored." You could also make mention of what kinds of books Ally prefers - does he like novels? Non-fiction? Monographs all about one specific subject or popular science books about things like "six inventions that changed the world!" Does Ally ever read when it's inconvenient, like when he is supposed to be doing or paying attention to other things? Arts and crafts is in really great shape, you just have some little grammatical issues you may want to look at. In your first sentence, try moving "with crayons" to directly follow "he found drawing," and maybe change "he simply grew" to "he simply expanded into more mediums" ? All of my edits in this section are just for flow and ease of reading - the ideas here are are all really good. Personally, I think "he typically prefers to use sculpy and do crafty things for fun as opposed to art" would read better as "he prefers to use sculpy and do crafty things just for fun, as opposed to trying to create works of art." I'm also a bit confused, but also intrigued, by your last two sentences - "Sadly, he can art-ify anything in his hands. Especially hubcaps. " Now this I want to know more about! What does he do to those hubcaps? Perhaps you could try "Ally's craftiness sometimes leads to him turning things he shouldn't into raw materials. He's especially interested in hubcaps, which he uses to ____________." SCA I love everything about this hobby and how well explained it is, except for the fact that I have no idea what SCA is, and you don't explain. Could you change the name of this hobby from "SCA" to whatever the letters "SCA" stand for? That might start to make this more transparent. VirtuesCaring - Looks great! Nothing to add. smile Energetic - Bombast does not need to be capitalized! I think that most people would consider being fidgety a flaw, but the rest of this is very good and reads positively! Perhaps phrasing it "While he can be a little bit fidgety, Ally likes to put his energy to good use - and he knows how to motivate other people, too. He is good at leading groups and rallying people around a task or cause, but recognizes when he might be getting to be a bit much for people" Honorable - My only question here is, where the heck is Ally getting the hubcaps you mentioned in arts and crafts, if he doesn't steal? Other than that, this looks great. smile FlawsDislikes change - This is off to a really good start, but you could do more! What kinds of things does Ally do in order to resist change? Will he continue to use an outdated method of doing things, just because he doesn't want to switch to something new? Is he still using the flip phone he got in 2008? Is his computer running an operating system four years out of date? Does he insist that others do things his way, even though it may be less efficient? Can Ally ever be convinced that some change is for the better, and once he admits that, is he quick to adapt and pretend like it never happened ("Oceanea has always been at war with Eastasia!"), or is he still slow to actually switch how he does things? Insecure is, again, off to a really great start! I think I would like to know a little more about how it interacts with his other traits - is this why he never considers any of his drawings or crafting to be serious art? How does Ally handle compliments, especially those that come out of the blue? Does he know how to graciously accept them, or is he the kind of person to assume that people are lying when they say nice things about him? Hypervigilant is looking good! Appearance!-I know there's no section for it, but what is Ally's body type like? How tall is he? Is he chunky, thin, muscular, wiry, frail? What kinds of steps does he take towards making himself look more masculine or androgynous? Does he bind his chest down? Does he pack? (You appear to have drawn his page reference with breasts?) -Has Ally taken any steps towards medical transition that might be reflected in his appearance, or does his resistance to change keep him from starting anything (in which case, mention that in the flaw writeup)? -I have no idea what a "manys" is or why Ally would prefer it over a skirt, or why you would need to mention that he prefers them over skirts at all, since he is a guy and it is assumed that guys don't wear skirts unless they have a specific preference towards them. -What color is the part of Ally's hair that isn't dyed? KNIGHT STUFF! -This is a cool uniform! This is a cool wonder! Nice picks! -weapon stuff: It's "length," not "lingth," you don't need to specify that something is wooden if it's made of elderwood, "carvings" has an i in it. -Having a magic that you cannot benefit directly from can be very limiting. I don't think the magic would be OP if you let Afon benefit from his own spell. -How long does the tree take to grow? -Does Afon have to stay close to the tree while the spell is in effect? -I don't think it would be OP for your summons to assist Afon, as well as an ally, but the ferret should either absorb the blow or force the enemy back. Summons can only have one effect.
ALRIGHT, ANYWAY, that concludes this review, if you have any questions, hit me up, I'll be here all day probably??? ALSO, please do not be discouraged by the length of this and relative lack of praise, I really do like a lot of the stuff you've done here, I just find it more helpful to people if I point up where they could stand to improve than if I stand here and pat them on the butt.
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Posted: Tue Nov 10, 2015 5:55 pm
This took too ******** long to revamp I mean damn son.
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Posted: Tue Feb 09, 2016 5:15 pm
Hi Nova! Ally looks good, but I do have some crits for the powered side! Afon's magic doesn't read Knight-like to me, unfortunately -- Knight magic is channeled, not cast, and the way you have it written sounds more like a Senshi cast-and done! While the effects are fine, I recommend rephrasing to make it clearer that the berries are available when Afon is channeling and vanish when she stops or runs out of time. Also, how many berries does she conjure? "A handful!" is unfortunately not specific enough! Also, some comment on Summon mechanics; summons operate on the Knight's magic pool and are also summoned and desummoned, so there's no need to specify times.
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Posted: Tue Feb 09, 2016 6:14 pm
How's that? I forgot her magic wording was off (old babu I wrote out the knight profile for before Cordy or Stony- civ side took way more work to rehaul) so it wasn't terribly hard to adapt.
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Posted: Tue Feb 09, 2016 6:22 pm
Yep, much better!  A GM will be by soon~
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Posted: Sat Feb 20, 2016 9:12 pm
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Reply
