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Arkady tended to base a lot of her reactions to things on what she judged Finn expected her to do. If he brought her something, chances were that Tate or Vanya had liked it; if she looked at something on a menu and he looked doubtful, she assumed they didn’t. And when they’d made the appointment, she hadn’t expected any problems, mostly because Finn and Tallulah both seemed to not expect any problems. Except there had been a problem. A very big problem. Arkady had come home and locked herself in Finn’s apartment, only moving to yell at people knocking to go away. Except Finn. Him she clung to, because even if something bad happened, being around Finn practically guaranteed it would go away.

Not so this time, though. She was so embarrassed. And now he had to go out like he did this night of the week every week. He went out to do important things, world-saving things, that she wasn’t allowed to do yet because she was still Unstable, by Kaatje’s rhetoric, and she had to let him, she had to…

She shook her head and hid her face in his hair, inhaling his campfire smell. No amount of willing the hot flush of humiliation away (she could feel it growing down to her collarbones and her everything felt uncomfortably hot) could make it go. It just hung there, like when she burned pizza in the microwave and everything had smelled vaguely of smoke for hours after. “I don’t want you to go,” she said, “You never stay home with me anymore. I’m scared to go to sleep by myself.”

“You do not,” insisted Arkady stridently, even though it was true, every night but this night of the week he would maybe go out for an hour--but this was the night that he went out for many hours, and this night was the night when she had to go to sleep by herself. She didn’t want to, and if lying would get Finn to stay with her, she was gosh well gonna do it. “You go away all day and then you go away all night and it’s not fair ‘cause I can’t go out and I don’t like it when you’re gone.”

That was like, half true. Never let it be said that Arkady was not good at telling herself the truth even when she lied to others. “I hope it did,” she said, because she wanted Finn to have good things, and he was so excited to work for the parks department. “I really really really hope it did. ‘Cause you’d be happier there.” She kissed him, a little peck on the lips, and let her grip on him slacken just a little bit. And maybe then at that job he’d have more time for her. Or she could visit him! She didn’t know.

Her arm stung where they’d made the tiny incision to find the thing there. She shifted positions a little and said, “I went to the doctor,” as if that explained everything, and to her it did. “I don’t want to go back. Ever again. The doctor can go right to heck.”

She relaxed a little, because he was pressing too hard on her back and that meant she was pressing too hard on the mental side of things. Arkady gingerly ran her fingers through his hair, once, twice, three times, before she kissed his cheek again. “I know,” she said, pressing her cheek to his. “But you’d like this new job better, wouldn’t you?” Having him be gone even more sounded horrendous. She didn’t know if she could handle it on her own in this apartment, not for even more time than she already had to…

“I am not ever going back,” she asserted, “not even if I am dying.” Literally dying! She wouldn’t do it. No. Arkady clutched at his shirt again, because--no. No. No no no. It wasn’t that they’d been mean, or that it had even hurt. It was more than mere meanness, which she could have shrugged off like she shrugged off everything else. No, they’d been perfectly nice, and perfectly understanding, and perfectly sweet.

But they’d made her strip. Not even Finn or Hvergelmir or the Lady had seen her naked. She hid her face in his shoulder again, for all it was a somewhat painful contortion. “I don’t want to, and you can’t make me. I’m twenty-two. You can’t.”

“Can I bring you lunches and stuff at work,” she asked, deciding not to mention her own little prototypical job hunt. She didn’t exactly know what she was doing with that, but she’d found a laptop in the box of things that Finn had said was hers, and she had been studying the resumes on file there carefully. She had to have the knowledge to back up her claimed jobs, she figured, even if it seemed to her like letterpress was highly esoteric and kind of extinct art form.

Maybe she ought to take a class. Arkady had browsed her old self’s portfolio and been a little… impressed? Dare she say that? Maybe she would have a gift for it, like her past self had had.

But she was not so engrossed in the work hunt to let Finn go out. She had to make him staying behind with her worthwhile. Arkady wrinkled her nose at his kiss to stave off a sneeze and giggled, the terrible feeling abating for just a minute. It gave her an idea… she wasn’t sure how it would go over, but he’d said we can kiss if you want to, and she would go for it. She reached down for the hem of his shirt and hooked her fingers in the cotton. “I love you,” she said, softly, kissing the scarred rise of his cheekbone and running her thumbs over the taut muscle of his stomach. “Thank you for staying with me.”

It seemed to her like she owed him a lot, realistically speaking. He was here, wasn’t he? He was taking care of her, and helping her find out what was what and where it was. But that wasn’t even what this was about, it was about… she wanted him, and she wanted him to know she wanted him, and this was how everything she’d read had said to prove you love someone. Anyway, strangers had already seen her naked. At least Finn loved her, which made everything different. Didn’t he?

“You said we needed to take this slowly,” she said, turning her attention to their hands. “When you said you didn’t want to kiss me. I never agreed to that. And you changed your mind then and wanted to kiss me.” It might be a mystery to him what she wanted to do, but it wasn’t to her. She wanted him. She wanted him to know that she would never leave him again and that she loved him so much.

She didn’t try to move her hands from where he held them, just let them hang there. “We don’t have to,” she said. “You don’t owe me anything, either.”

His words stung, at first. Not ready to change his mind? Well, she would see about that--she clenched her hands into tight little fists and scowled. Except he kept talking before she could compose her next plan of approach, and her hands went a little slacker in his. She didn’t want him to feel uncomfortable with her, she agreed with that. She wanted him to want to be close to her, to love her at least as much as she loved him. “Okay,” she said, leaning in to kiss him on the cheek, gently. “I don’t mind waiting.” She just didn’t want to wait if he was afraid of something, again.

If it was just because he needed time… that was fine. She would be fine. She kissed the corner of his mouth, and smiled at him. “I want to take a bath,” she said. “But that can wait, too. Just please don’t go. I want you here.”

She beamed at him, and cupped his square face in her hands. "I want you to," she said. Maybe that would be an easier, slower start to getting where she wanted to be? (Where she wanted to be was in his bed, kissing him, but--a no was a no was a no.) Not tonight but definitely, someday.

Arkady leaned in, pressed her forehead to his. "It'll be warm," she wheedled sweetly as she got him up, pulling him to his feet by his hands. "And we can kiss after. If you want."