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This online journal is a collection of thoughts and feelings, some of my opinions you may not agree with but I ask that you respect them as I do yours. Some of the content may be difficult to read or comprehend as my thoughts are very raw, blunt and unorganized. With that in mind, read at your own caution.
Your comments are not welcomed here. Do not post in this thread. If you feel like you need to tell me something after reading an entry, please contact me privately via PM.
✎Ｊｕｌｙ ２０， ２０１４ It's been almost 2 months since Jeffe has passed away and I still can't help crying whenever I hear his name. I figure that normal people would be over a dog's death by now, but then again Jeffe and I didn't have a normal relationship. For those reading and don't know about my Jeffe, I'll tell you about him in the spoiler below.
Nearly 6 years ago, my mom decided to adopt a dog. She decided to adopt an english bulldog for herself. I was not thrilled about this because I don't like dogs and since I was the first one home back then, I would have to supervise the dog the most.
Well, when we went to the foster mother's home, he wanted NOTHING to do with me at all. She told us about how he was abused as a puppy and other dogs bully him because he's so docile and sweet. He was originally named Gus, but his foster parents changed his name to General Lee. Well, his sad story was enough to get my mom to bring him home with us that night.
Well, day one came around and I was the first one home as always. The dog was shy and I wasn't too sure about how to approach a dog, so I sat down on the floor, turned on my gamecube and called him over. I sat there and spoke to him like I would a normal person and rubbed his back. I started talking to him about my problems and feelings, because I was in a REALLY bad place back then.
I guess that therapy session sparked a real friendship. Like I said, I was in a really bad place back then. My high school years were some of the worst in my life. I was extremely volatile, suicidal and just really depressed. So it was nice to finally have someone, even if it was a dog, who listened.
Well, the next day, we "chatted" some more and then he started sleeping in my room. He decided that he wanted to sleep in my bed with me and I put up with it for about 2 months but then he got too fat and we didn't have enough room. (Lol). Around this time, my dad started Calling him Jeffe, the nickname stuck and it became his new and permanent name.
Months wen by and he stuck with me. He followed me everywhere and would not eat nor sleep if I wasn't home. I HATED THAT. I always wanted to be alone but he forced me to come out of that. That dog forced me to be around people, for better or worse.
Bad things happened; My dad told me he never loved me, my best friend was deported to mexico, I lost all of my friendships, I was stalked, I lot my aunt and then I almost lost myself. But that dog was always there for me. I realized that pretty late though, I only openly admitted to loving him when he was with us for 4 years. I started calling him my son and I babied him.
That dog was my only friend, my only real family and probably saved my life more times than I can count. Even when he could barely walk, he still tried to follow me up and down those stairs. I even started carrying him up the stairs to bed, one time I couldn't carry him and slept downstairs with him.
I loved that dog so much. Then, on 5/30/2014, he passed away right in front of me. He just collapsed and I couldn't help him. You're probably gonna laugh, but I even tried CPR on him. But he was gone. My baby, my friend, my family has passed away and I never got to say goodbye.
I'm crying right now, I feel so dumb.
Mom's new dog, that she "bought for me" doesn't like me. He's ma's Jeffe, he follows her and loves her more than anyone. I don't mind since my heart is still with my baby, but it makes me feel totally alone. Mom asked me a question that just tore my heart right out.
"Do you want me to buy you a baby bulldog?"
I couldn't even answer, I just started crying. But, after all that, I started thinking about it. It made me happy thinking that I could have that special bond again. I just miss Jeffe so badly that I almost need something to fill the void.
Don't get me wrong, no one nor thing could replace him. I just want something, anything to ease the pain that I still feel. I'm starting to resort to old habits because I feel so bad. I'm staying up all night, playing with knives and ideas. I haven't hurt myself but it's on my mind a lot recently. I'm ashamed to admit it.
My dad coming home isn't helping me out either. He's been in New York with my brother for a little more than a week now and it has been such a blessing being away from the negativity. As soon as they came home though, I felt suppressed again. He doesn't need to hit me anymore to make me feel like s**t and that thought pisses me off so much. I'm actually scared of that, with that 'incident' on my mind.
You see, a few months ago, we found out my dad had cancer. It was just more bad news on top of more. One day, my brother wanted to tell me more news and, at this point, I was fed up with it. I told him I didn't want to hear it and instead of respecting my wishes he followed me around the house, screaming at me about how dad is "getting better". It pissed me off, so I started cleaning the house. My brother followed me around the house and pushed me out of the way as I was cleaning the kitchen counters. I don't remember the words exchanged and not too sure what happened but I guess I attacked him.
I blacked out and beat the crap out of my brother. I felt bad about it, I HATE hurting other people (this was the first time I ever hit someone, mind you) and it made me cry thinking of what I did. But, after that incident, I've been WANTING to resort to violence for a lot of my problems. Some part of me must really want to/like to hurt people and that makes me so scared/sick.
I am such a disgusting person right now, I hate it so much.
Well, I'm not in a good place right now, but I am trying to get out of it. I feel like this has been more of a rant than normal entry, but whatever.
Remember, comments are not welcomed.
Nifalie
Shy Gaian
Offline
Nifalie
Shy Gaian
Offline
Posted: Wed Jul 23, 2014 4:47 pm
✎Ｊｕｌｙ ２３， ２０１４ Before I get into the dream itself, let me tell you something about my 'dreams'. All of my dreams-- ALL OF THEM are nightmares. Or, at least, that's what everyone says. I'm used to them and they don't scare me, so I just call them dreams. The reason I write them down is because I believe that all/most dreams have deeper meanings. So, I write them down and then decipher the meanings later.
Last night, I had dreamed about....
I was either a strange looking, little boy or my dream followed him. He had an older brother who was abusive and cruel to him and a younger brother who was very innocent and kind. The boy that my dream was following was very pale, he had blonde hair and bright blue eyes. His younger brother looked a lot like him but his older brother had dark brown hair and brown eyes, I remember he wore red pajamas.
Anyways, the boy my dream followed decided to join in a small art competition at his school. He tried making little sculptures but they were always not good enough of his older brother would smash them. I remember the colors green, blue and a near-violet pink color.
The boy gave up but then heard a man's voice, the man-- dressed in all black-- told the boy that he could help him. He told the boy that he could win the competition if he did an animation. The boy asked him what he should draw for it and the man said to draw what he felt. The boy started drawing a train and he somehow ended up in his own animation, he tried following the train so that he could draw it but was almost run over by it. The man in black told him that was enough and they were somehow back in the room before.
The man told the boy that the strip of animation absolutely cannot be in the light, he must keep it covered up. The boy took the strip home and told his two brothers about it. The older brother took the film and turned on all the lights in their shared bedroom. The film became grainy and turned gray. The boy started to cry while his two brothers went to bed.
That same night, the man in black appeared in the hallway outside the bedroom where the boy was crying. The man told him that he could fix the film but only if the boy did everything he said. The boy agreed. The man told him to put the film, facing up, under his older brother's bed and to pull the blankets over his younger brother's head. The boy did so and then went to bed.
That morning, the boy awoke to find his older brother's bed covered in blood. He looked under the bed and saw the film was red, not gray and there were pictures in the frames (They were very hard to see). The boy woke up his younger brother and they went to school.
At the school, he put his film into the competition and the school played it. The film started out looking down on the older brother and then it showed him being torn apart and tortured. The film burned and then I woke up.
Meanings & Other Things I Remember
Pale To dream that you are pale symbolizes sickness, disaster or fear. Some situation or relationship is emotionally draining you.
Blonde To see a blond person in your dream suggests that you need to enjoy life and live it up. Be a little glamorous.
Blue Blue represents truth, wisdom, heaven, eternity, devotion, tranquility, loyalty and openness. Perhaps you are expressing a desire to get away. The presence of this color in your dream may symbolize your spiritual guide and your optimism of the future. You have clarity of mind. Alternatively, the color blue may also be a metaphor for "being blue" and feeling sad.
Green Dark green indicates materialism, cheating, deceit, and/or difficulties with sharing. You need to balance your feminine and masculine attributes.
Pink Pink represents love, joy, sweetness, happiness, affection and kindness. Being in love or healing through love is also implied with this color. Alternatively, the color implies immaturity or weakness, especially when it comes to love. Consider also the notion of getting "pink slipped". Pink is also the color for Breast Cancer Awareness.
If you dislike the color pink, then it may stem from issues of dependency or problems with your parents.
Triplets To see triplets in your dream suggest that you need to consider the physical, the emotional and the spiritual aspects of a situation or decision. Also think about the significance of things that may appear in threes in your waking life.
Brown Brown denotes worldliness, practicality, domestic bliss, physical comfort, conservatism, and a materialistic character. Brown also represents the ground and earth.You need to get back to your roots.
Red Red is an indication of raw energy, force, vigor, intense passion, aggression, power, courage, impulsiveness and passion.The color red has deep emotional and spiritual connotations. Consider the phrase "seeing red" to denote anger. Alternatively, the color red in your dream indicates a lack of energy. You are feeling tired or lethargic.
Red is also the color of danger, violence, blood, shame, rejection, sexual impulses and urges.Perhaps you need to stop and think about your actions.
Pajamas To see or wear pajamas in your dream suggests that you need to relax and get some rest. In particular, if you dream that you are wearing pajamas in public, then it means that you are unaware of something important that may be right in front of you. You are drifting through life without fully paying attention to what is going on around you.
Black Black symbolizes the unknown, the subconscious, danger, mystery, darkness, death, mourning, rejection, hate or malice.The color invites you to delve deeper in your subconscious in order to gain a better understanding of yourself. It also signifies a lack of love and lack of support.More positively, black represents potential and possibilities. It is like a clean or blank slate.
If the feeling in the dream is one of joy, then blackness could imply hidden spirituality and divine qualities.
Film To dream that you are watching a film signifies that you are analyzing yourself and your own thoughts from an objective view. Alternatively, it represents old memories and the past. Perhaps there is something that you can learn from in the past.
To dream that you are developing or exposing film refers to a "developing" relationship or situation. Alternatively, it signifies the completion of a project or task. You are ready to enjoy and reap the benefits of your work. Consider the image that is being developed. If the image on the film does not come out, then it means that you are not ready for the outcome of a situation.
Murder To dream that you witness a murder indicates deep-seated anger towards somebody. Consider how the victim represents aspects of yourself that you want to destroy or eliminate.
Orphanage To dream that you are in an orphanage signifies your sense of belonging or the lack of. You feel you are alone in the world. Perhaps you think no one understands what you are going through or how you are feeling.
Dreaming of escaping from an orphanage reflects your desire to get away from certain restrictions or rules. You are trying to discover your own place in the world.
Orphan To see an orphan in your dream signifies fears of abandonment. You feel lonely and rejected.
To dream that you are an orphan suggests that you need to learn to be more independent and self-sufficient. Alternatively, the dream may be telling you that you have a lot of love to offer others. Don't sell yourself short.
School To dream that you are in school signifies feelings of inadequacy and childhood insecurities that have never been resolved. It may relate to anxieties about your performance and abilities. If you are still in school and dream about school, then the dream may just be a reflection of your daily life and has no special significance.
Alternatively, a dream that takes place in school may be a metaphor for the lessons that you are learning from your waking life. You may be going through a "spiritual learning" experience.
Blood To see blood in your dream represents life, love, and passion as well as disappointments. If you see the word "blood" written in your dream, then it may refer to some situation in your life that is permanent and cannot be changed. If something else is written in blood, then it represents the energy you have put into a project. You have invested so much effort into something that you are not willing to give it up. If you dream of blood on the walls, then it is a warning of sorts. There is a situation that you need to confront. You can not avoid it any longer. More specifically, if blood is on the bathroom walls, then it indicates that the situation that you need to confront is an extremely emotional one.
Translation:
//Cough// I'm not a professional or even remotely good at this, so if you think I'm wrong about the translation the send me a message. I'd love to hear your input.
After a little self-debating I think the dream refers to my lack of self-worth and fears of succeeding, mostly in the one thing I enjoy most-- Art. The middle child who was attempting to create & actually enjoy what he did always had his hopes crushed, in this case it was by a cruel brother. The death of the older boy probably signifies that I need to stop being cruel to myself or even pay attention to the negative comments I receive on all things I do.
Honestly, this dream could be a horror movie with some major editing, lol.
Posted: Fri Jul 25, 2014 10:23 am
✎Ｊｕｌｙ ２５， ２０１４
Super quick-ish rant. I'm really miffed right now, okay? I'm really sick of my fellow artists being really snooty and stuck-up. For about 3 weeks, I've been straight-up ignored.
What do I mean? I'll tell you. A few days ago, someone on DA wanted 50 points for an adoptable. I was the first person to offer the amount they wanted. An hour went by and I figured they were just busy. I went back onto the page and saw that there was only one other comment, right above mine, asking for the same adopt but with a lesser amount of points. The artist had replied to them, declining the offer.
I assumed that they would have replied to mine real soon but didn't. Almost 2 days later, I get a reply from them saying "Sorry, I sold it.". That really just made me upset. I mean, sure they could've somehow not seen me but then again there were only like 4 other comments.
2 days ago, I attempted to commission an artist on Gaia. I offered a little more than the other offers, that were accepted, and I didn't hear from them. I know they couldn't have missed me because I quoted them. I eventually went back to the thread and they posted right below my comment but they haven't replied to me or anything.
Yesterday, I attempted to commission a different artist on Gaia. Again, I offered more than the other offers and they ignored me too. Of course, they posted but never took the time to reply to me.
That just really pisses me off, okay? If you don't like my offer, just say so. Ignoring me just makes me not ever commission you/buy from you again. I have a bad habit of not replying to people but I ALWAYS reply when it comes to someone wanting art. It's just common courtesy that, apparently, a few artists do not have.
If anyone is reading this and thinks this is just a stupid reason to get miffed, I'll have you know that those were only a FEW of the times I've been ignored THIS MONTH.
Just, ugh.
Nifalie
Shy Gaian
Offline
Nifalie
Shy Gaian
Offline
Posted: Sun Aug 03, 2014 10:11 am
✎Ａｕｇｕｓｔ ３， ２０１４
I usually don't rant about my relationships, but this one in particular is.. Different.
I've known this person, who I will call Anonymous, for 6 years of my life. 3 of those years we were in an on-again-off-again relationship. We kept breaking up because we always fought but always got back together because we had insanely strong feelings for each other.
A long while back, 3 years ago, we broke it off because Anonymous utterly abandoned me when I needed them the most, back then I was not in a good place. They told me off about how I'm a wreck and that they hated me, that they always hated me and just all these things about how awful I was as a person and then told me that it'd be better for me to just kill myself.
Hearing all that really broke me down because they NEVER said those kinds of things to me, they've said horrible things when we fought but nothing like that. I really think that was the first time I felt utterly heartbroken. I went home, got in bed and just kind of laid there all night thinking.
The next day, around 3AM my phone is buzzing non-stop. I turned it off then fell asleep. I woke up pretty late but checked the messages I got. It was Anonymous telling me they needed me in their life and that they couldn't live without me, blah blah blah. I told them that they broke me down more than anyone else had and that things could never go back to the way they were before.
After hours of begging and guilting me into talking to them, we sort of made up? Months later, Anonymous asked me to go back to being in a romantic relationship with them. I told them no and that I would never want to be romantically involved with them again. They vowed to get me back and I just shrugged it off.
3 years later, we're a lot better friends but they were serious when they vowed to get me back. For 3 years they tried really hard to win me back over and it wasn't until 4 months ago that I agreed to work on reigniting the flame and slowly develop a romance like we had all those years ago. (After we broke up, I never dated anyone, so I kind of forgot how to be lovey-dovey)
We... Got pretty intimate some nights. We never got physical, though they wanted to, because I'm very erotophobic. Other nights we were chatty and friendly, most nights we were bitter though. About 2 weeks ago, we worked over a big issue and it made me extremely happy. Happy enough that I even began speaking about how I'm ready to be with them again.
2 nights ago, they woke me up in the middle of the night crying. They were telling me that they were being blackmailed. Anonymous said that they were being harassed by this guy because Anonymous had sent their friend sexts & nude pics and that they were gonna e-mail the pictures to Anonymous' parents. I asked if they wanted me to come over or if they wanted to come over, in case they were scared they said no but needed advice. I told them to immediately call the cops.
After I sent that, there was no reply. The next morning they texted me saying that the guy stopped and he was going to leave them alone. I asked if they were sure and if they needed me to do anything, they said no. With that, I told them that I was glad but I don't want them talking to me anymore. They said they knew I'd be mad about the sexting & pics and that it was my fault.
It was MY fault because I didn't make it obvious enough that Anonymous and I were in a romantic relationship when only 2 weeks ago I told them I was ready to go be with them again. How 2 weeks ago I told them that I actually loved them and that I couldn't see myself being with anyone else. The last message I sent to them was:
"Even when I THOUGHT I had feelings for other people I never did s**t with them. You know why? Because I was stupid enough to love you. Remember (friend's name that I don't wanna disclose)? Remember how I told you that (friend) asked me out and I said no because I wanted to be with you? We're not ******** friends anymore because of you. Because I wanted to give you another ******** chance. Even when I thought I had feelings for (friend), I NEVER ONCE SENT THEM A SEXT OR A PIC. Instead of making up excuses of why what you did was okay, why don't you take the time to see that you ******** hurt me. I am DONE, I want nothing more to do with all this bullshit. I don't wanna be your friend bc if we were still talking I'd want to be in a relationship. The relationship we worked on all this time. But we can't have that because I can NEVER TRUST YOU AGAIN. I AM DONE. You will NEVER hear from me again."
That was the last message I sent Anonymous. They spammed my phone with calls and texts, so I turned it off. I said my piece and that's it.
I've never felt so betrayed and just ashamed/embarrassed. I feel used, humiliated, disgusted and I feel cold. I don't like to hurt people, okay? Normally when I fight with someone I care about, I'll talk to them an hour later asking if they're okay, but this time is just different. I have no intentions of making up or even speaking to Anonymous again. If they come to my place, if we meet somewhere else or anything there will be no making up. I guess this was the icing on the cake, I feel bad that I feel nothing for them. But it's whatever now. I really don't care anymore.
You don't have to understand my feelings and you can think I'm wrong in how I acted or what I said, I don't care. With how I'm feeling right now, I don't think I'll reply to any messages on this subject.
