touch like dust
[word count: 1084]

"I kissed Kam."

The silence that stressed between Vanessa and Blake was brief, but it seemed to her, as they sat amongst the empty beer cans and frozen food trays littering the basement suite he rented from an old woman with a drug problem, that it lasted forever. Vanessa was not sure what she wanted Blake to say. She knew that she loved Kam. She also knew that she cared about the young man beside her. Blake, expression unreadable, stared at a spot of something on the carpet. It could have been blood. Probably it was ketchup. He took a drag of his cigarette, and Vanessa noticed for the first time how the nicotine had stained his fingertips.

Blake's calm unnerved her. Vanessa had anticipated anger-- even rage. She'd expected that he would shout, knowing there was no defence in the world she could offer him to make things okay. His lips were tight around the butt of his cigarette, chest swelling underneath his T-shirt when he inhaled. Compelled by the guilt that had plagued her conscience in the weeks since Kam's return, Vanessa rushed to tell the rest of the story.

"Two times. Once the night you met him at the bar..."

Blake glanced at her out of the corner of his eye. "You said you were going home."

Heat coloured Vanessa's cheeks.

"I know. I was on my way home, but I got a message from him. He wanted to talk. I had to go."

Blake looked confused, forehead furrowing. He said nothing.

"I'm sorry, Blake. I just missed him so much. He's my best friend."

Blake exhaled a cloud of smoke that hung in the air. He checked his cellphone, started texting someone.

"Can you put that away? I'm trying to talk to you."

Without putting his phone away Blake asked, "and the second time. When was that?"

"What are you talking about?"

"The second kiss," he said, voice so cold it chilled her bones. "When was that?"

Vanessa hesitated, eyes closing against the shame that she felt. It was her fault. All of it. Kam had initiated neither kiss. At the time Vanessa had had no regrets. Blake had seemed so far away in Kam's apartment, when she'd wanted nothing better than to lose herself in his embrace. To receive, at last, the sort of kisses that she'd ached for since the day that he'd left. Two years was a very long time to spend missing someone, staring at his letters-- wondering where he rested his head at night, and how many pillows he had shared with women who were not her.

"Last night," she whispered. "He told me he loves ********, I'm so-

"Just shut the ******** up for a second," Blake moved so suddenly, after seeming so calm, that Vanessa did not have time to duck when he raised his hand. She inhaled, bright eyes shining on the palm of his hand, adrenaline suddenly spiking through her veins. Blake's hand twitched in the air. The ring he wore glinted in the low light of a nearby table lamp, and then landed with a harsh clink when he slammed it down on the coffee table in front of them. It shook under the force of his hand.

Vanessa exhaled, but remained tense, poised at the edge of the sofa. Blake leaned away from her to put his cigarette out on a nearby ash tray. He swore under his breath.

"I knew this would happen. I knew this would ******** happen."

"Blake," Vanessa's voice cracked. She needed a glass of water, and could barely speak above a murmur. She wanted to reach out to him, to erase the pain that she had caused, but could not bring herself to pull her hands out of her lap. "I'm really sorry. I didn't... I did't want it to be like this."

Unbidden, memories of the last time Blake had reached for her at night swam in Vanessa's head. His hands on her thighs. His breath at her ear. His weight on top of her. They had been dating for months, and lovers even longer than that. He was good to her. Vanessa swallowed, heart swollen with guilt and shame. She'd tried. Oh, lord, how she'd tried-- but there was no shaking the sense that she was betraying Kam. His fingerprints were all but burned into her soul. Blake's touch was like dust.

"Do you love him?"

"What?" Vanessa looked up from where she hadn't realized she'd been staring at the spot of ketchup on the floor.

"I said," Blake reached for the bottle of whiskey at his feet and took a swig. He wiped his mouth before continuing, "do you love him?"

"Yes."

"And me? How do you feel about me?"

"It's different. I care about you. Very much."

Blake winced. He drank again, Adam's apple bobbing visibly in his slender neck. "Ouch." He said, once he'd finished, cradling the bottle in his hands like it was something precious.

It was too much for her. A soft sob broke in Vanessa's throat. She lifted her hands to Blake's face, wanting him to look at her. He inhaled sharply, pulling away before Vanessa could warm his cheeks with her palms.

"No," he said, tears shining in his eyes, breaking her heart, "don't. I need you to leave."

He pushed her hands away, but Vanessa could not bring herself to stand.

"I never meant for this to happen," she said, knowing that it didn't make anything okay. Knowing that Blake wanted things from her that she wanted from Kam. Vanessa tried to run her fingers through her hair, and made a frustrated sound when they got caught in the curls. "I don't know what I want. I need time to think."

"I need you to go." Blake hissed, teeth clenched, cellphone vibrating in his lap. His face was like stone.

Vanessa opened her mouth to argue with him, and then thought better of it.

"All right," she said, standing to collect her keys from his kitchen table. She lingered at the door, stared sadly at Blake over her shoulder, and then left.

Blake waited for the sound of her footsteps going up the stairs to fade before checking his text message. He deliberated a moment, chewing on the inside of his cheek. His thumb fluttered over the 'call' button. He pressed down, and then held it up to his ear.

"Hey, babe," he said. "You can come over now."