He had taken a shower, only because standing in a clothes covered in blood was well and good for those working in the morgue, but would not be tolerated for those who weren’t. The clothes – he did not wash, making it the second set that were covered in Rin's blood. He didn't know what to do with them, but washing them implied they were dirty and that Rin in turn was filthy. Throwing them out said they were no good, and with so little of Rin left, he didn't feel he was capable of tossing the clothes out. Without a jacket, he got dressed again and returned to the morgue – and stayed there.

He had lied to Rep and Harrison about eating. His stomach felt like a pea, and while it twisted and hurt painfully, it was hard to focus that among all the other aches and pains inside. His mind was buzzing like a million flies, sounding loud in the quiet sterile room of the morgue.

Dragging a chair over to stand beside Rin's shelf, he sat down, and looked up at the metal door. "It's kind of like all those times I was with you in the Infirmary." He said, but his voice sounded loud and too strong and powerful in the room. It cut the air and he didn't like the sound of himself. Instead, he whispered.

"You always got the short end of the stick, didn't you?" He looked at his hands, noting that there was still a fine line of blood under his manicured nails. "But that never really bothered you. You lost your arm to Rep…..you got burned in the desert. All those times you got hurt, and all those times I didn't. You kept loosing things, and I never once got hit." His hands twisted against as he gripped them, feeling his shoulders shaking.

It was so quiet here.

"I wasn't even stronger than you. Not even more experienced. I mean…people hate me and you were…" He quickly clamped his lips shut as he squeezed his hands together. "…are such a good person. Why did you keep getting hurt when I was right there?"

But there was a more important question.

"Why didn't I ever help you?"

His body shook as he leaned down, pressing his brow to his clasped hands. "Why wasn't I ever there to protect you? Why wasn't I there when you fought with Rep and lost your arm? Why didn't I help dissolve that anger he had? Why did I let you go and fight him? Why didn’t you tell me these things?"

But he remembered that Rin hadn't really told him a lot back then. Even now, he was still learning things about her past that she never once addressed. With all his questions, she still managed to keep so much to herself.

Eyes wide but vision blurred, he looked at the geometric tile on the ground. "Did you not trust me enough?"

Even in those last moments, when he was laying down on the ground during the battle, Rin had been there, watching over him, over Rep, and was there to help.

The realization twisted painfully in his chest and he found himself wanting to smash his head against the wall.

She hadn't trusted him – because she was protecting him.

He was never really hurt because she was there to watch over him.

She had been on the island much longer than he had. Knew people more than he had. Practiced more than he had. She knew so much more than him, and in battle, they had always been close by. Yet all the times he kidded himself in trying to protect others, it was always other people protecting him. Despite all the times he put up barriers. All the times he healed someone – he wasn't really doing anything. He was putting them all in danger and only doing a minor payback in return.

It reminded him of all the arguments he had with Rin. With Rep. With everyone.

Gritting his teeth, he looked at the tiles again, unable to look at Rin.

"All I do is take."

And now he took too much – and that took Rin away from him.

His constant demanding presence made her work hard to protect him, to work with him, to be miserable for him. She had stayed by his side, worked to make him happy, and watched over him during battles. While he thought they were working together, he was still just a inexperienced intermediate hunter who was still as green as most trainees. She probably hadn't been by his side to need his help or to just work together, but to watch over him and make sure he didn't die like the pathetic loser he was.

And was that what Rin had been attracted to? Hadn't she said from the start how she was sad that her friends left her before they ever dated? Maybe she just pitied him and wanted someone who would need her – who wouldn't run away?

And here he was, unable to leave her side, hopelessly dependent on her when he hadn't been before dating her. It was why he had said no the first time she had asked. When she came to him in the greenhouse, right when she had gotten her funding for her project, and came out about her feelings for him. Back then, he said no, because he hadn't dated in such a long time, and never wanted anyone else to rely on him like Mia had – and to ruin someone again.

But he had, but worse now. He had said no, and Rin had said that they either dated or never saw each other again – and in that moment he said yes. Did he say yes because he was hopelessly dependent on her even back then?
Maybe.

Maybe he knew how terrified of death he had been and knew that he had no one else but her and Rep. Maybe he knew he'd be alone on the battlefield without her. Alone on this island without her.

And he said yes and in doing so, he selfishly started to take from her. He took the spot of her boyfriend when she could have been happier with someone else. Someone more capable. Someone who could protect her. Someone who could satisfy her. Someone who wouldn't leave her upset and arguing over the stupidest things because you refused to budge.

And he took her time. He took her caring. He took her protection. He took her company and love.

And what had he offered in return?

He looked up at the cold door.

Yet, despite it all, he still wanted her. He wanted her here. Wanted her alive. Wanted her to continue giving just as she gave before. He wanted to take again even if he knew he was still unable to give back and he hated himself for it. He wanted her with him even if it meant it would make her miserable.

Because without her, right now, he was.