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Achmad and Rich (Not to be Confused with Akbar and Jeff, For All You Matt Groening Fans)
BY RABBI RICH KIRSCHEN

It's a long story, but my brief relationship with Achmad began when I decided to build an office in my house in order to stop having to work with my laptop on the kitchen table. Our small Jerusalem apartment is crowded and. I realized that I would have to build a "micro" office, closer to the size of what we called, back in the day, a phone booth. But it would have a computer with a giant screen (my eyesight has gone) and much needed drawers and cabinets.

And so began my search for a carpenter in Jerusalem, which lead me to the quite normal and unsuspecting Achmad. For me, finding a handyman in Jerusalem is not as simple as it sounds. This is because of my American accent. After ten years of living in Israel, it's not that my Hebrew is so horrible (in spite of what my children say), but it is the unmistakable accent that encourages every workman to overcharge me by at least 25 percent. I have become an obsessive comparison shopper, and have learned to trust absolutely no one in the Holy Land. It is times like these when I miss living in the Midwest, when a nice well-mannered Protestant plumber (or any other professional) named Jim would come to my house, fix the problem, clean up, and offer me a fair price. Those days are long gone. I go about interviewing ten carpenters for this project. And although I am just looking for a carpenter – like many aspects of life here in Israel – the Mideast conflict comes knocking at my door.

I interview countless carpenters – and one thing becomes exceedingly clear – Arab Palestinian carpenters are cheaper than Jewish Israeli carpenters – and by a lot. This brings up a number of issues. I know what you are thinking – after years of living in Israel, the rabbi who used to work with "Rabbis for Human Rights" has become a racist! I ask myself, what exactly is going on here? I realize that any time I have interactions with Palestinians I am conscious – hyper conscious – about the conflict, which is a conflict with no end in sight. Israelis and Palestinians maintain a dysfunctional "non-articulated" understanding with one another, personally and professionally, but as long as there remains a national conflict, we will always have a simmering hostility that boils close to the surface.

I remember once when a bunch of nice Palestinian workmen were fixing the roof of my apartment building. I was trying to help them find the source of a broken water heater. We were all on the roof, bending over, trying to fix this water heater. This was on the same day that we were all listening to the radio news about how Hamas sent 23 rockets into southern Israel and Israel retaliated by hitting the Gaza strip. There I am on my roof playing in water with a bunch of burly Palestinian workmen while Palestinians and Israelis are killing each other down south. It was one of those times to smile and say – "Yes, in fact, I am a Reform rabbi, and yes, I do vote for Meretz (Left wing party in Israel)." I confess that when I was leaning over the roof surrounded by my Palestinian pals, I was immensely conscious that their lives are much worse than mine because of the conflict, because of the occupation, because of home demolitions, and that there was no reason for them to have any great love for me (military occupation will do this). I, too, have issues with my Palestinians neighbors. Hamas is insane, cruel, and fascist. And the leadership in the West Bank is corrupt and incompetent.

All of this is in my head as I interview carpenters. Do I go for the Israeli Jew who will rip me off; or do I go for a Palestinian carpenter who is half the price, but brings a certain uncertainty into my home (whether real or perceived). Where is Jesus, a well-known carpenter in the Mideast, when you need him? In the end, I decide to meet a guy named Achmad. I get recommendations. Achmad seems like he does quality work, and he is half the price of the Israelis. We review the job, take measurements, and I hire him. Of course I need to give him a down payment to buy materials. I give Achmad a large amount of cash. However, he has no formal receipts or business cards, and he scribbles out something in pencil. I know that he has worked for other friends of mine, but I am still uneasy. Before he drives away, I surreptitiously take a photo of his license plate.

Three days later Achmad is not answering his phone, only a recording that says the phone is not in service. Eight days later still no word from Achmad and the phone has the same recording. Like a shmuck I just gave this guy thousands of shekels and he drove away giggling and cursing his Zionist enemy and probably laughing with his friends in Beit Lechem – where I will never be able to find him. I realized he took my money and ran. That son of a b***h took me in and stole my money! I realize that at this point in time, we simply cannot work together, we cannot be friends, there is too much hate, too much anger, too much history, and why should I expect anything else, given the context we are living in between Israel and Palestine!

And while I am seething in my tirade . . . I get a phone call.

"Hi Rich, it's Achmad, everything is ready. I'll bring the desk and cabinets to your house tomorrow morning."

To which I reply, "Oh great, thank you so much Achmad."

My office is great.

But the conflict SUCKS.

Rabbi Rich Kirschen is the Director of Israel Programs for the Union for Reform Judaism.