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You know you've been playing too much 40k when...

1.You name your pets after special characters (Baharroth the budgie is particularly worrying).
2.You change your name to one of the special characters.
3.You ask your girlfriend to dress like a Daemonette of Slannesh.
4.You spend more money on 40k stuff than everything else put together.
5.You mortgage your house just so you can spend more at Games Workshop.
6.You have dreams about the Sisters of Battle.
7.You have your motorbike converted to make it look more like a Space Marine bike.
8.You are reading Terry Pratchett's "The Carpet People" and you give up half way through because the Termagant doesn't have a Fleshborer.
9.You make a full suit of Terminator Armour to impress chicks.
10.You name your son Marneus and your daughter Jain Zar.
11.You live in Caliban St (actual street name).
12.You start imagining your girlfriend in Sisters of Battle power armour.
13.You join the Marines because you think you will get to use bolters and fly Land Speeders.
14.You are watching Starship Troopers and you instantly think of Tyranids and Cadian Imperial Guardsman.
15.You spend more time at Games Workshop than you do with your girlfriend...
16....so your girlfriend leaves, and you don't notice.
17.You try to get a wolf as a pet just because you play Space Wolves...
18....and you also try and get your canine teeth lengthened.
19.You see footage of UN APCs on the news and you instantly think of White Scar Rhinos.
20.You shout "By the Emperor" instead of your girlfriends name during a moment of passion.
21.You haven't been on a date since the 4th edition came out.
22.You know every stat line of every troop type...
23....but can't remember any of your family's birthdays.


And now for the jokes...

1.
Two guardsman are yomping off to war when one says to the other:

"Hey sarge, this lasgun is heavy. I wish we had something lighter."

The Sarge, being a grizzled veteran of many wars, let's the man in on a secret:

"You could kill grots just by pointing your finger at them and shouting: ABANG ABANG ABANG! Because the grots know that when they hear that they are gonna die and so fall over dead to save themselves the bother."


"You must be joking Sarge," - the soldier replies and thinks nothing more of it.

War comes. The guardsman runs out of ammo.

In desperation he points his finger and shapes it like a gun. Feeling rather stupid, he shouts ABANG ABANG ABANG! And to his surprise he sees whole squads of gretchin die.

He proceeds to slaughter all of the gretchin horde with the exception of one grot that is charging straight towards him.

He shouts ABANG ABANG ABANG! but nothing happens.

Rather confused he shouts louder ABANG ABANG ABANG!

The next thing the guardsman remembers is being smashed flat by some awesome force, every bone in his body is crushed.

The last thing he remembers is a small high pitched grotty voice squeeling:

ATANK ATANK ATANK! ATANK ATANK ATANK!

2.
A squad of Sisters of Battle were all being inserted by drop ship.

The male pilot comes on the radio and says: "We are just entering the system now and will be landing at base alpha zero zero in an hour."

The pilot forgets to switch off the intercom and turns to his male co-pilot and asks:

"So what are you going to do when we've landed?"

The co-pilot replies:

"Well first, I'm gonna have a huge dump. Three day anti-grav flights don't do my bladder any good. Then I'm gonna go see that new Lt. You know the one with the dark hair and huge breasts. Take her out, wine her, dine her. And then I'm gonna take her to my quarters...." and then proceeded to go into graphical detail of the nights animal-type loving.

The new Lt., horrified at the detail spewing from the speakers about various uses for the butt of the co-pilots plas-pistol, runs down the aisle to switch off the intercom, trips over a Boltgun, and lands flat on her face.

A new recruit sitting opposite turns and says:

"Whoa! Calm down, Ma'am! He's got to have that s**t first!"


3.

101 Uses for a Lasgun

Warming soup.
When left on, a seat warmer in your Leman Russ.
Disco effects/pyrotechnics.
Cigarette lighter.
Changing T.V. channels.
Selling to get funds for a better weapon.
Throwing at the enemy (may do more damage)
Using for grave marking for IG troops.
Collecting (eventually you might have enough to do some damage)
Paperweight.
Skeet shooting.
A cooking utensil.
Looking slightly menacing.
Strapping onto a Boltgun as a laser sight.
Annoying friends by shining it in their eyes repeatedly
Burning ants

Things you will NEVER see in the 40k universe:

Space Marine Girl Scouts
Sisters of battle Fire Engine
Sane World Eaters
A Space Marine carrying a dead gretchin as a battle-trophy
A gretchin carrying a battle-trophy
A Vegetarian Blood Angel
An Eldar way-stone at the Lost & Found
A crying Space Marine (oops! sorry, Lamenters
A Night Lord sunbathing
A plague marine polishing his armour
A Tau giving a high-five
A retreating Death Company Space Marine (if you DO see this, you're probably doomed)
A Khorne Berzerker leaving a skull behind
The Golden Throne caretakers on strike
An assassin, before it's too late...
A remote controlled Necron
A meeting at the BDA (Blood Drinkers Anonymous, Blood Angels only)
Games Workshop charging what models are ACTUALLY worth

4.
Lictor? I didn't even touch her! (Note: If you don't understand this, say this sentance out loud. Keep repeating it until you get it smile

5.
Tau Water Caste Leader: "Those big guys in black armour are a bit tough, aren't they. I will go and negociate a treaty with their commander. It is that guy in that large armour, with the long sword and the big claw, right? How do they call him, Aba...?"

6.
Things you don't wanna hear when you're in the Imperial Guard:
"We're outta ammo?"
"CHARGE!!!"
"Khorne Beserkers good fighters? Us Cadians can handle them!"
"You mean you FORGOT the Leman Russes?"
"Why are the Dark Angels surrounding us?"
"Welcome to the Cata- PRIVATE!!!! THERE'S A WRINKLE IN YOUR BANDANA!!!! IRON IT OUT, THEN GIVE ME 500 LAPS AROUND THE BASE!!"
"Funny, the Ogryns don't smell as bad when dead."
"Hey, a grenade without a pin!"
"You just had to forget the gas for the chimera, didn't you?"
"You know, guys...Chaos isn't SO bad"
"Fix bayonets!"
"Whaddya mean orbital bombardment?"
"We missed our shooting phase?"
"Hey, Sarge, this thing just fell out of the sky, it's all fleshy and squishy, and there are scratching noises inside."
Colonel: "We're gonna die! We should all flee!"
Commissar: "Just this once, I agree with you!"
"Extermina-what?"
"Hehe, that's a good practical joke, plugging the tank's guns... let's stay really close to it so we can see the looks on their faces!"
"Our regiment has been assigned to fight in the Third Armageddon War? Sounds fun!"
"Sweet! And I get to be one of them? Man, this is so cool! I can't wait! Hey, what are the Last Chancers anyway?"
"Boy, I hope those artillery guys got the right coordinates..."
"Hah! Those Chaos dopes spelled 'surrender' with only one R!"
"I'm your new commanding officer. Now, this is my first command, so go easy on me, okay?"
"See? Lasguns can take anything. Drop it, throw it in the swamp, use it as a club, and it still...uh oh."
"Well, we're low on ammo, our radio's busted, and we've got genestealers coming in on all sides. Let's charge them!"

7.
Space Marine Commandments:
1. Thou shalt not refer to the Adeptus Soritas as "Bolter Bitches," nor shalt thou go anywhere near our sisters during the time of the "Red Rage," lest thou wishes to be the first human to enter orbit without the aid of a shuttle.
2. Orks are not "cute."
3. Thou shalt not make jokes about the Imperial Guard's weapons.
4. Thou shalt not replace the Librarian's staff with a magic wand.
5. Thou shalt not tip the Terminators over during battle.
6. Thou shalt not do Spock impersonations around Eldar.
7. C-3P0 is not a Necron ambassador.
8. You shall not dare others to eat Squigs.
9. No, you cannot "take the Titan for a spin."
10. Thou shalt not use thy multi-meltas to light campfires. (in a similar manner, thou shalt not use the Terminator Captain's chainfist to open tins of baked beans)
11. Thou shalt not bribe the Inquisitor to bring down Exterminatus on your ex-wife.
12. Thou shalt not refer to the Rhino transports as "pimp wagons," nor shalt thou use the phrase, "If the Rhino be rockin, don't come a knockin."
13. The Chapter Master is not a "drag."
14. Thou shall not use Power Swords to cut your food.
15. Thou shall not ask a Sister if you might "donate some of your own Gene-Seed."
16. Thou shall not throw soap at nurglings.
17. Thou shalt not put a "kick me" sign on the Golden Throne.
18. Thou shalt not refer to the Machine Spirit as "Cruise Control".
19. Thou shalt not stick a 'Honk if you think I'm sexy' sticker on the Sisters' Rhino.
20. Thou shalt not honk if thy sees a sticker saying 'Honk if you think I'm sexy' on a Sister's Rhino.
21. Thou shalt not unplug the Golden Throne just "for laughs".
22. Thou shalt not make the Emperor read your palms, or call upon him as "Miss Cleo".

8
The Imperial Guardsmen's Ten Commandments

1. Thou shall not take sick leave while having Sisters Of Battle In the next Camp.
2. Thou shall not cut his or her hair with bayonet.
3. Thou shall not put graffiti on Space Marine's equipment.
4. Thou shall not replace a Space Marines bolter with a las-gun.
5. Thou shall not use a grenades pin as an earring.
6. Thou shall not experiment with frag grenades.
7. Thou shall not refer to Space Marines as Asstartes.
8. Thou shall not play with flamers.
9. Thou shall not refer to Space Marines as Bucking Broncos.
10. On the fear of his or her life. Thou shall not lie to an officer in the presence of a Psyker and Commissar.

9.
Philosophy 101

ELDAR: s**t happens
DARK ELDAR: We ran off before the s**t happened
IMPERIAL GUARD: s**t happens with big guns
SPACE MARINES: The Emperor will save us from deep s**t
ULTRAMARINES: Roboute saved the emperor from s**t
BLOOD ANGELS: DIE YOU s**t-HEADS!!!
DARK ANGELS: We caused s**t and have yet to be
forgiven
CHAOS SPACE MARINES: The Emperor is s**t
WORLD EATERS: We'll collect skulls so that s**t
doesn't happen to us.
NECRONS: We're gonna cause so much s**t to happen that
s**t will never happen again
TAU: s**t will happen to everyone but us
ORKS: What is s**t?
TYRANIDS: This galaxy is our new piece of s**t
SISTERS OF BATTLE: Male supremacy is a load of s**t

Man good ones! I love the Necrons philosophy!

I saw these a few days ago someone posted them on a forum! Funny!

ELDAR: Traffic Cones.
DARK ELDAR: Tattoo artists.
CRAFTWORLD ELDAR: Those people that offer "odd jobs" in the Classifieds section of the newspaper.
IMPERIAL GUARD: Target practice, maybe?
SPACE MARINES: Personel Protection (just say you are The Emperor's cousin).
CHAOS SPACE MARINES: That bully you never liked. I think you know where I am going...
NECRONS: You know that personal robot killing machine you always wanted?
TAU: You know that personal robot butler you always wanted?
ORKS: Maybe Grots will do anything for a cookie...
TYRANIDS: Turn this bug loose in the resturant you don't like. When the police find all the bodies, say it must have been a really large cockroach.
SISTERS OF BATTLE: Are you thinking what I am thinking? Grab a video camera. Now.
DAEMONHUNTERS: Need an exorcist and an FBI operative to deny everying you just saw? Look no further!

Warhammer Christmas
http://s3.invisionfree.com/Kovash_Tauva/ar/t1969.html

"The Man" means anyone who's go the gutz or who just wants to prove that they're tactically sound and so make things harder on themselves.
"The Fanatic" is anyone who doesn't necessarily care what's in his army, but plays the game to have fun, or because he enjoys the hobby.
"The Cheese-Head" is that well-known and dis-liked guy who fields an army with the intent to win.
And finally "The Nut-Case" is that odd-man out who seems to lack any logic.


--Space Marines:
::The Man:: Fields an army consisting of nothing but scouts, scout bikers, and veteran space marines with bolters.
::The Fanatic:: Is estatic that there's a new predator and buys 5 of them.
::The Cheese-Head:: Fields nothing but infantry and takes nothing but Lascannons and Heavy Bolters, but only takes two 5 man tactical-squads for troops.
::The Nut-Case:: Fields nothing but a leader with no equipment,3 Land Raiders, 20 Terminators, and 2 half-squads of scouts... all in 1750 point games. And the Terminators and Scouts are NOT in the land raiders.

--Imperial Guard:
::The Man:: Fields nothing but Infantry
::The Fanatic:: Has a picture of the plastic Cadians as the background of his computer.
::The Cheese-Head:: Is fielding more vehicles than individual models of infantry.
::The Nut-Case:: Has nothing but infantry, but has equiped every squad with as much plasma weaponry as he can... 1/2 his army is gone at the end of the first player's first turn... even if it's his turn...

--Dark Eldar:
::The Man:: Stubbornly refuses to field Raiders, Talos', Incubi, or Wyches.
::The Fanatic:: Has an all wych army, AND a normal dark eldar army.
::The Cheese-Head:: Starts the game with 4 raider squads no matter how large of a game. The rest is in reserve...
::The Nut-Case:: Bought 31 copies of the new chapter approved codex, just so he can use a different one each day.

--Blood Angels:
::The Man:: Doesn't use any Sanguinary High Priests, Chaplains, or Librarians.
::The Fanatic:: Has modeled all of his characters into people he knows in real life.
::The Cheese-Head:: Has 6 dreadnoughts and 75% of all of his infantry are black with red 'X's on their shoulder pads.
::The Nut-Case:: Has a librarian, 6 death company models (total owned) and nothing but Scouts with shotguns (no, not even a heavy-bolter!)

--Dark Angels:
::The Man:: Fields Ravenwing
::The Fanatic:: Fields Deathwing
::The Cheese-Head:: Doesn't EVER use ANY Ravenwing or Deathwing.
::The Nut-Case:: Likes to play Deathwing because they have a 6+ Jink save (and yes, I realize the Ravenwing are the only ones who get that).

--Eldar:
::The Man:: Fields Sam-Hain
::The Fanatic:: Has built his army of Iyanden with 5 squads of Wraithguard.
::The Cheese-Head:: Is playing Biel-Tan and has nothing but Striking Scorpions, Howling Banshees, Wraithlords, and Dark Reapers.
::The Nut-Case:: Fields and entire army of Dire Avengers and Shining Spears.

--Necrons:
::The Man:: Only has 1 Lord and it isn't armed with Viel of Darkness or a Resurection Orb.
::The Fanatic:: Has nothing but the old models.
::The Cheese-Head:: Has nothing BUT warriors, a viel of Darkness, and resurection orbs.
::The Nut-Case:: Has spent most of his points on Scarab Swarms.


--Chaos:
::The Man:: Is playing a 2,000+ point game and has 50 points TOTAL on wargear.
::The Fanatic:: Has converted every... last... model... all 15,000 points of them.
::The Cheese-Head:: Has an Iron Warriors army with so much Ordnance, it makes IG players cower in the corner gibbering about inferiority.
::The Nut-Case:: Is playing a Word Bearer army, but oddly enough, has no daemons...


--Space Wolves:
::The Man:: Is using Predators instead of a Lemun Russ.
::The Fanatic:: Has snow on the bases of his troops and has given every model a viking name.
::The Cheese-Head:: Has 4 dreadnoughts and is charging you saying he strikes first due to him being in cover.
::The Nut-Case:: Is fielding nothing but Blood Claws, and they're hiding in the corner of the board... for the 9th game in a row.

--Tau:
::The Man:: Is playing Tau in the first place.
::The Fanatic:: Has an all-Kroot army.
::The Cheese-Head:: Has so much railguns and crisis suits on the field he blows up every significant threat in the first turn.
::The Nut-Case:: Cheers when he sees the table covered in Trees, Mountains, and other LARGE obstacles.

--Tyranids:
::The Man:: Has an army of Termagaunts.
::The Fanatic:: Has drawn a huge inspiration from the Aliens movie and has given every model an extensive scenic base.
::The Cheese-Head:: Has two winged Tyrants, Rippers, and Carnifexes, and every model has Acid Blood.
::The Nut-Case:: Has nothing but Rippers and a small 3 man brood of Warriors (and none of them have any modifications)

--Orks:
::The Man:: Fields a normal horde Ork army, but he's refusing to use Grots.
::The Fanatic:: Has an all-Shooting Ork army.
::The Cheese-Head:: Has a Warboss and Bodyguard totalling over 800 points.
::The Nut-Case:: Is fielding over 300 gretchin, and over 50 squigs. The rest of his army are slavers, the warboss, and his bodyguard.

--Speed Freeks:
::The Man:: Is fielding an all-biker army.
::The Fanatic:: Has converted all the models in his all-bike army using bikes from other armies.
::The Cheese-Head:: Has his 9 Mega-Armoured Nobz and Mega Armour Warboss in a trukk because "mega armour doesn't take the space of 2 models."
::The Nut-Case:: Is still trying to figure out how to get his 300 grots and 50 squigs into a speed freek army.

--Salamander Marines:
::The Man:: Is playing Salamanders
::The Fanatic:: Has borrowed Lizardman models from Fantasy
::The Cheese-Head:: Has annhialated over half of his opponents army before it gets withing 24 inches.
::The Nut-Case:: Has nothing but Scouts with Shotguns.

--Black Templars:
::The Man:: Has at least half his squads with bolters instead of close combat weapons.
::The Fanatic:: Has painted litanies and scrawling across every model.
::The Cheese-Head:: Has his entire army huddled around a Culexus Assassin.
::The Nut-Case:: Is hiding his entire army in the back of the table... This has gone on for over 20 games.

--Sisters of Battle:
::The Man:: Doesn't use his Faith Points.
::The Fanatic:: Has modelled his entire army off of either Daemonifuge, and/or The Redeemer.
::The Cheese-Head:: Has so far re-rolled every armour save, and is still negating your armour with every 6 he rolls for his entire army.
::The Nut-Case:: Has nothing BUT Redemptionists.

Im the tau nut-case and , the man. xp

Top ten reasons Space Marines make good baby sitters.

10) No huge phone or cable bills.
9) Instant potty training. ( at gun point )
8 ) Strictly observed meal and prayer times.
7) Enough energy to out last the kids.
6) His armor makes him brat proof.
5) Can give piggy back rides all day with out breaking a sweat.
4) Can eat any thing he is dared to...and live.
3) Never looses a game of hide and seek.
2) On call 24 hours a day 7 days a week all year for eternity.
1) Considers it a service and doesn't charge you.

Top ten reasons Space Marines don't make good house guests.

10) Sees a bug on the wall, calls it a Tyranid and opens fire.
9) Calls your mother in law "old one eye."
8 ) While watching a horror movie on cable, He shoots the big screen tv in the living room calling it "The Eye of Terror" subsequently riding the house of all tvs that might be effected.
7) Eats every thing on his plate, and then eats the plate.
6) Only sleeps for four hours out of a night.
5) Do not be the last one in the bath room.
4) Calls the on-star* feature of your car the Machine spirit, then turns your garage into a shrine dedicated to the Machine Gods and guards it.
3) Claims the neighbors hot tub in the name of the Emperor. ( ok that's not a bad thing )
2) After having fixed the big screen Tv, you have a super bowl party, the ref makes a bad call on a play. The Marine declares him a heretic and shoots the tv...again...
1) On Halloween night, the little masked kiddies all come around dressed as all manors of demons and ghouls. Now convinced dark forces are at work he calls for an Exterminatus.

If a Kroot ate a Tau it would become a Toot. xd

Awww geeze.... nasty.... xp

I thought about that my self, only I said what if they ate a bird.


Phase 8: Omophagea: Allows a Marine to absorb genetic material generated in animal tissue as a result of memory. Basically a Marine can eat the flesh of a planetary animal and learn it's instincts and how it survived so long on the planet.(N)

If they ate a bird would they try to fly ? ninja

Ok, I'll bet they still have all of there higher functions, but it is a funny thought to think of for what ever reason, a marine becoming startled after having eaten a bird and suddenly sputtering like a turkey in a field. rofl This little fun thought could be a particularly bad thing for a squad of Assault Marines and down right embarrassing for every one else. mrgreen


Also.... if a Marine where to drool in his sleep would he hurt him self ? ninja

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