|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
 Posted: Mon Mar 24, 2014 3:21 pm
Daniel Mercer’s background: Daniel is the last of his kind, a vampire, an old blood. He lived and prospered for many years in his society and trained under the blade of his father. Although he was a teen now he still did not conjure enough strength for the next opposing foe which the vampires had sought to destroy for so many years. The vampire hunters. They came with a plethora of men and whisked through the stronghold like the vampires were nothing, before this happened Daniel's father told him that he was to go in the house and find the secret lever which had been placed under his make shift desk. As he was told to do this he was given a cloak, an enchanted cloak which made the vampires weaknesses impervious to them for a certain amount of time. He ran as fast as his feet would carry him and scurried into the small damp house which had been surrounded by a gloomy swamp, he took one last glance back as he stepped on a rickety step leading to his house and saw the swamp ignite into a massacre. He watched as his father battled three men swiping at one of their legs he came back up and bit another on the neck blood oozing from the incision point he went on to another and stabbed him in the heart. Soon his father became overwhelmed and was taken down by the hunters in a catastrophic sequence of events. His father fell to the ground the life drooping from his eyes he was now leaning with a sword impaled through his own heart. When he fell a man was revealed his face illuminated by the torch he held, Daniel would never forget his face. Daniel held back tears although he wanted to run at the man and take vengeance upon him he knew he himself was to weak to take on the bombarding forces which had cascaded into the swamp that night. And with that he proceeded on and entered the house to find a switch that unveiled a secret tunnel. It must have been built as an escape route for the vampires just incase this would ever happen. This tunnel was long and it took quite some time for him to reach the end but finally he made it and as he exited with the improvised robe equipped with a golden chestplate and the seal of the Mercer family imprinted on it, he walked out of the half collapsed tunnel and proceeded on the horizon forming just beyond the hills.
|
 |
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
Posted: Sat Apr 05, 2014 11:58 pm
The ideas are there. The story is great. The grammar and timing is off, though.
You need more commas and to rearrange things in a more.. spatial order. Like.. you started off with the fact that the hunters raided the stronghold, then you proceeded with the preceding events, and ended with the child getting away. That's fine, but if you separated them and built a little more upon them, it would work better.
Also the part where the father dies. You get into detail about how he fights, but you don't use any commas or punctuation to create any kind of order in the description, and you end it with "Soon his father became overwhelmed and was taken down by the hunters in a catastrophic sequence of events." It would be better if you clarified what actions were taken against him. Otherwise, it just feels like you don't do the drama of his death any justice.
Hope this feedback helps!
Given my love for books like Pendragon or the Percy Jackson series, I like these stories that place the weight of the world on a teenager's shoulders. Also, it looks like you could/might take this somewhere gritty. So I look forward to a more refined product!
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
Posted: Sun Apr 06, 2014 11:26 am
All~Mixed~Up The ideas are there. The story is great. The grammar and timing is off, though. You need more commas and to rearrange things in a more.. spatial order. Like.. you started off with the fact that the hunters raided the stronghold, then you proceeded with the preceding events, and ended with the child getting away. That's fine, but if you separated them and built a little more upon them, it would work better. Also the part where the father dies. You get into detail about how he fights, but you don't use any commas or punctuation to create any kind of order in the description, and you end it with "Soon his father became overwhelmed and was taken down by the hunters in a catastrophic sequence of events." It would be better if you clarified what actions were taken against him. Otherwise, it just feels like you don't do the drama of his death any justice. Hope this feedback helps! Given my love for books like Pendragon or the Percy Jackson series, I like these stories that place the weight of the world on a teenager's shoulders. Also, it looks like you could/might take this somewhere gritty. So I look forward to a more refined product! Thank you! No one has gave me feedback on much and this has helped, since this story I've been improving quite rapidly, I will make a refined product like you said and post it again. Once again, thanks!
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
Posted: Sun Apr 06, 2014 11:30 am
Serkonos All~Mixed~Up The ideas are there. The story is great. The grammar and timing is off, though. You need more commas and to rearrange things in a more.. spatial order. Like.. you started off with the fact that the hunters raided the stronghold, then you proceeded with the preceding events, and ended with the child getting away. That's fine, but if you separated them and built a little more upon them, it would work better. Also the part where the father dies. You get into detail about how he fights, but you don't use any commas or punctuation to create any kind of order in the description, and you end it with "Soon his father became overwhelmed and was taken down by the hunters in a catastrophic sequence of events." It would be better if you clarified what actions were taken against him. Otherwise, it just feels like you don't do the drama of his death any justice. Hope this feedback helps! Given my love for books like Pendragon or the Percy Jackson series, I like these stories that place the weight of the world on a teenager's shoulders. Also, it looks like you could/might take this somewhere gritty. So I look forward to a more refined product! Thank you! No one has gave me feedback on much and this has helped, since this story I've been improving quite rapidly, I will make a refined product like you said and post it again. Once again, thanks! No problem! I'm looking forward to it.
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
Reply
