recollection
[word count: 845]


The first time Vanessa met Blake they were at a party hosted by a mutual friend. She hadn't gone looking to find anyone special and had spent most of the night knocking back shots of tequila with anyone who asked her to.

It was fun in a way that Vanessa had forgotten life could be. Between shifts at work and the demands of Sailor Vulcan's calling, there was little opportunity in her world for relaxation. She was young and passionate, with a wild heart and the legs of a dancer. All of the time Kam had spent ignoring how much of a woman she was meant that Vanessa usually misunderstood when other men noticed. She was inherently friendly and, after Kam left, had shared laughs with many boys-- a few of them had even gotten kisses out of her.

But Blake was the only one who'd gotten more than that.

It was two weeks after her daddy's heart attack. Mr. Rae was recovering in the hospital. John Jr. was spending the night at a friend's. After work Jasime had invited Vanessa over, insisting that a little bit of fun would take her mind off of everything that was life.

Vanessa was already on the edge, tequila singing in her veins, when Blake snaked his arm around her waist. She hadn't needed to look at him to know that he was strong. For a fleeting moment she'd dared to hope that Kam had come back, at last-- and had her heart a little bit broken all over again when she turned around to see that the man who'd taken hold of her was blond and fair.

"Hey, beautiful," Blake had said, in a way that made Vanessa laugh despite the pang in her chest.

Except for her father, no man had said anything like that to her before. Kam had called her pretty once. When he was drunk. But Vanessa suspected he hadn't really known who he was talking to.

And so she'd let Blake slip his calloused fingers under the fabric of her t-shirt, desperate to feel anything other the pain of missing Kam. Wanting to forget about her father, who was weak in the hospital and cranky because he was weak.

As a lover Blake was tender, but predictable. He woke up before Vanessa could sneak away, and suggested that they get breakfast together. He took really good care of his teeth, and Vanessa agreed because she liked his smile.

After that Vanessa couldn't really say how they had gone from a one night stand to being a couple. He'd never really asked her. Not at first. They just spent so much time together that Blake started referring to her as his girlfriend in mixed company. The first time she heard him say it had frightened and infuriated her.

"You can't just tell people I'm your girlfriend without asking me first."

Vanessa had stood with her hands on her hips, wondering for the thousandth time why the men in her life kept trying to make her decisions for her.

Blake had stared at her, cheeks flushed, rubbing at the back of his neck.

"Uh- do you want to be my girlfriend, then?"

It was stupid, but the question caught Vanessa off guard. She'd blinked at him, and thought of Kam, whose necklace she wore. He still sent her letters. The shoebox under her bed was full of them. To accept Blake now was to risk losing everything that she'd spent the better part of a year and a half waiting for-- the moment when Kam would return, and sweep her into his arms.

But he'd said nothing in his letters about coming back. Vanessa knew how important it was for him to find Khetal, but her faith in him had begun to waver.

Blake was sweet. He never ignored her text messages, and stood proudly with her on his arm in front of his friends.

And she had not seen Kam in almost two years.

There were more reasons for Vanessa to say yes than no.

He was a good boyfriend. Loyal. He looked right, being tall and broad shouldered and strong in the arms. He worked in a train yard, which Vanessa thought was absolutely fantastic, until he'd refused to have sex with her in one of them. In favour of a more intimate setting-- with rose petals, and soft music, and kisses that were starting to bore her.

Nevermind that a gesture that romantic from Kam would have thrilled Vanessa to tears. It was different. She didn't really know how, but it was-- maybe because Blake had a secret affinity for poetry, and Kam's idea of fancy was wiping his pizza fingers on a napkin. Maybe because she was pretty sure Kam would not have said no to train sex.

It wasn't fair of her to compare them. Vanessa knew that. Blake was a good person, and he had never made her cry. But he didn't really make her laugh either. And Kam had a knack for both.