The white lion woke up and groaned as the bright sunlight stabbed his blue eyes. His head hurt, his body hurt, his...other organs...hurt. And he felt as if a fog had been cleared from his mind.
Then the memories of the past few days hit him like a boulder. Lionesses that he'd had sex with, the lion that had beaten him up...it all came flooding back. And all Yareha could do was watch the memories unfold behind his eyelids. This was...the past. All these things had already happened, and there was nothing he could do about it.
Why did I do that? All of that, any of that?
The words weren't spoken aloud, but did he really need to? He knew what he knew and he knew what he thought. And for the life of him he couldn't think of any reason to excuse his behavior. The only reason he hadn't raped those lionesses was because they'd been willing participants. He still couldn't think of a good reason to attack another lion out of the blue though. Not even one whom he now recalled to have mysteriously known about his horribly embarrassing past with Mazin...
Hell, how could he call what he'd tried to do to Mazin embarrassing, with this mess only just behind him?
Was it truly behind him? He remembered now, the red lion's words.
"For three days, you will feel an urge for Chaos, to disrupt the lives of those you come across."
And that was exactly how to describe the past few days. Chaotic. Not to mention terrifying. Yareha still remembered everything he'd done clearly, now that the fog of sleep was lifting. Not only did he remember what he'd done, but he remembered what he'd thought (or not, as the case might be) in each situation. These thoughts hadn't been planted in his head, the white lion knew, but were in fact a reflection of what was already within him.
All the red lion had done was to bring that innermost beast to the forefront. The words, the actions, that had been Yareha's own doing. True, he wouldn't normally act that way, but that was what that touch of Chaos had done, hadn't it? Pulled off the masks he normally wore and revealed what he truly was?
Which was a sobering thought.
He'd thought that he'd been establishing himself in his own right, wandering out here in the unclaimed lands between prides. He'd thought he'd been leaving behind his past. Hell, after talking with Facio, he'd given up sleeping with lionesses! Not forever, he hoped, but he'd opted to practice abstinence until such a time as he found someone worth taking to mate.
But it seemed the core of his being was still a crude and violent creature, which was not at all how Yareha wanted to see himself. Worst of all, he didn't want that to be the legacy for his children. True, the six offspring living in the Mwezi were likely already embarrassed to be related to him, but there were ways the word could travel, and if it did, he didn't want it to reflect poorly on him.
The white male sighed and shook his head at himself. This didn't even take into account that, despite all that had happened, he still cherished dreams of finding the perfect mate, settling down with her and raising a family. He certainly didn't want those supposed children to view him in that light. Nor a proposed mate - and he had to admit, there was at least one lioness in the running for that. Well, really, only one at this point. But he had no idea if the lioness in question reciprocated his feelings at all. So he couldn't exactly count on that, since it wasn't as if they'd promised anything to each other.
Well, that was a lie. He and Latitare had promised to find a partner bird for Kilua. So far, they hadn't had any luck. And for all he knew, she might have found one on her own.
Besides, pining after Kilua wasn't going to fix his problem. If he didn't find a solution, he might as well never return to the Aka'mleli ever again, because he'd have no chance in hell of convincing such a beautiful and smart lioness to be his mate. No one as clever as Kilua would want a violent rapist as a mate.
Yareha wished he was someone else. Anyone else, as long as that person was different from him. Then he wouldn't have his chief problem.
Wait...
The white lion raised his golden-maned head from where it had slumped on his forelegs and chased that thought out into the open. If his biggest problem was being himself...maybe he could change who he was! Change what he was like! Oh, it wouldn't be easy, not in the least, but it was something tangible he could do to prevent this from ever happening again. He'd been doing this to some degree already with his abstention from sex and while he'd backslid hard thanks to the red lion, there was no reason why he couldn't recover that ground and go even further! The issues that had come to light with the dark male were more problematic, but Yareha knew if his determination was strong enough, he could win past them as well.
The lion climbed to his feet, a fierce grin lighting up his face. Now that he knew what he wanted to do, all that remained was to figure out how to accomplish it. It would be hard, sure, but what in life wasn't that was worth doing?
"Latitare!" he called out, confident his partner was somewhere nearby. "Get your tail in gear, we've got places to go and things to do!"
It felt good to have a plan. Even if it was still rather vague and unformulated. Yareha knew what he wanted out of life now, and that was worlds better than where he'd been when he'd first woken up today.
