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 Posted: Mon Feb 17, 2014 8:57 pm
Nevada struggled with everyday task. She couldn't lift heavy things like before, she got actual paper cuts.
Life task that were mundane and repetive till her demise, but at least she was being useful.
There was a hallowing of cheeks now, dark circles under her eyes from nights of no sleep. of days of no sleep. She hadn't eaten either, and didn't understand why her stomach grumbled the way it did. She did nothing for it either.
All she wanted was her weapon and the taste of FEAR. She needed FEAR again to survive.
A hand pressed against the window as she looked at all the normal hunters...and she stood like that for awhile. Watching them. Hungry and tired and scared and angry.
Standing there.
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Posted: Mon Feb 17, 2014 9:19 pm
He'd tried getting ahold of Nevada for almost three days now, but to no avail, which was simultaneously frustrating and worrying.
Not for the first time in as many minutes, Ian found himself looking down at his phone again, frowning at the obnoxious "YOU HAVE NO NEW MESSAGES" print that kept flashing across his screen. After a while, he gave up, and tucked the phone back into the pocket of his jeans. He'd take a little walk, get some fresh air (such as it was), and then try again.
Maybe he'd stop by her room later, just to check in on her.
As it turned out, the latter wasn't necessary, since about ten minutes into Ian's walk, he found the very person he was looking for. Ian's heart leapt with pleasure, and happily he made his way down the hallway towards the figure at the end of it.
"Nevada!" he called out, eager to see her -
- but then his steps slowed and the bright feeling he always tended to get when associated with seeing Nevada seemed to dissipate the closer he got to her, ebbing away like the tide of the ocean that surrounded the island and its inhabitants.
He thought it was Nevada, but, she did not look like the Nevada Grace Burns that he remembered. Her cheeks were sunken in instead of flushed and rosy, her eyes seemed dead and glassy instead of of being flirtatious and mischievous, and there were dark circles ringed around them.
Ian trailed to an uncertain stop just beside her, one hand reaching to gently touch her arm.
"Nevada? Babe?"
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Posted: Mon Feb 17, 2014 9:37 pm
Sadly, Her phone was one of the few things she destroyed in her room. Smashing it to pieces as it beeped for missions, for paperwork. For things she couldn't do now that she wasn't a hunter.
She made sure no one could get a hold of her unless they could find her.
She didn't register the voice at first, because it had to go through a series of thoughts to even get enough attention. And by the time Ian was standing in front of her, she was looking at him with a blank expression. Gaze torn from the fields and staring forever at Ian.
"Ian." She managed to finally say, cocking her head a little. "Did you need me?" There was no usual flirtations, there was no hint of emotion. It was like a doll, eeriely quiet and awkward.
"I was just watching the trainees." she said without him asking, "So young to this...safe. Did you need something?" She blinked.Kuroopu Changing your username |:
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Posted: Tue Feb 18, 2014 5:29 pm
It took her a moment to look at him, and when she did, Ian felt his stomach constrict painfully. He stared at her, mouth slightly agape, and wondered if this was really and truly the fiery, spunky, flirty Nevada Grace Burns that he had first met, if it was really the girl that had crawled into his bed and put her arms around him when he'd been falling apart and had just held him.
There was no fire anymore. Ian swallowed hard.
"Nevada," he said again, and then reached out to touch her arm again before leaning back against the window, his hands shoved deep into his pockets. For a few seconds, he seemed at a loss for words, his expression utterly bewildered.
He took a breath.
"What happened? Are you okay?"
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Posted: Tue Feb 18, 2014 10:32 pm
Speaking in terms of body heat, Nevada didn't hold a warmth she had before. Physically and emotionally. It was reserved, what little of it she had left for Otto and Stormy. But it was even getting hard to feel anything for them anymore.
Everyday she spent without Leroy, was another day she got sicker, weaker, crazed. She couldn't tell anyone how she would spend the hours talking to Leroy's tablet. How it never responded. It felt so cold, just like her.
"I get that a lot...." She looked out the window again. "I guess news doesn't travel fast here anymore, or they don't care enough. If it's not a relationship, or sex, it wouldn't be interesting. If it's not a fight or on twitter, then it's just a fact of hunter life..."
She pressed her hand tighter to the glass.
"I wish I was a trainee again, so I could start all over. I would do it differently you know. Everything. I'd be better and smarter." She narrowed her eye at the trainee's, so lucky. They had their weapons, they still had promise. They wouldn't die like she would, slow and painful. Aching for something she would never fulfill again.
Her eye slid to the side to look at Ian. Ian, one of her best friends. One she could crawl into bed with and not have to worry about it being anything more then what it was. Cuddling. They knew each other without really having to know each other. Shared secrets...Hell.
"It's been awhile. Have you seen Shy? He came back from the dead you know." She started, anything to turn it away from herself. The more she repeated how she was going to die, the more she felt another piece of her slip away.
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Posted: Wed Feb 19, 2014 1:18 pm
He didn't like the way she was acting, the way she wasn't looking at him. Nothing about this was right; a scream, a shriek, a shout telling Ian that something was wrong, something was very, very wrong. This was not Nevada, this couldn't possibly be Nevada.
"I'm interested," Ian said, not unkindly, and then added, in an attempt to lightly joke, "Sex is pretty interesting, though."
But the teasing smile on his face faded the more she talked, to be replaced with a pained expression. "You are smart," he said softly. "You're smart, and you're gorgeous, and you're..." He waved a hand at her, feeling for the first time, a small sense of frustration; though over what, he couldn't tell. Over the universe? Over Nevada? Over whatever it was that had ahold of her that he couldn't understand?
"Shy and I are fine," he said slowly. "We're together openly now, he said we could tell people."
Ian pushed himself away from the window, and reached out to gently take Nevada's hand, his fingers loose around hers.
"Nevada," he said. "What's wrong? What happened?"
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Posted: Wed Feb 19, 2014 11:19 pm
"That's because you're a sweet guy, even if you pretend you aren't..." She said, " Remember when we first met? it was just flirtations...then we became attached. Then we started to care. We care so much." She would've laughed at his comment of sex. She was pretty interested in it...well when her mind wasn't doing what it did now.
"I was." She corrected Ian, "I was gorgeous, now not so much. That's one of the side effects, your body starts to fail you. It starts to shut down. Body and Mind." She added, "the mind is the worst part though. I could be a bag of bones if I could just..keep my sanity. Somedays I think I'm just going crazy..."
She looked back over at him, and there was a small hint of a smile before it faded.
"I'm dying." She said quietly, like a broken record. How many people could she tell? She was dying. "We're trying to fight it, but I don't know if we can. Trying to fight death is...well....it always comes back ten times worse."
She clutched her hand on the weapon, laying her head on it. "I have this small sliver of hope and then I look out at the trainee's and the hunters who are still bonded and I remember that I am nothing now. What can nothing do about anything?"
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Posted: Thu Feb 20, 2014 9:52 pm
His smile was wan. "I always told myself I wasn't going to get attached to anyone, let alone anyone here," Ian said ruefully. "I told myself it wasn't ever going to happen, because attachments just break you down in the end. But look at me now."
He gave a small laugh. "I have a boyfriend, I have you, I have friends like those Finn and Jack idiots, and Ripley, and other people..." He shook his head. "I never meant to get attached, and I never meant to care, but it just sort of...happened. It happened, and I couldn't stop it."
Her use of the past-tense made him slightly nervous. Ian frowned. "I still think you're gorgeous," he said, and it almost sounded irritated, though the expression on his face was bordering on something else, something akin to fear. "You're still you, Nevada, you're still my best girl."
"I'm dying."
The words hit him with the force of a javelin, almost literally knocking the breath out of him. Ian stared at her with his mouth slightly agape, and his face had gone white, the color draining from his cheeks. Out of all the words he had expected to hear; out of all the explanations that had gone through his mind to explain Nevada's appearance and her state of being, dying had not been one of them, because she couldn't die. Not Nevada.
She couldn't wouldn't die.
"No," said Ian, and shook his head slowly from side to side, his heart climbing into his throat. "No. No, you're not, that's...you're exaggerating, aren't you? It's a metaphor, this place is hell."
He was grasping at straws, and somewhere in the back of his mind, he knew it, knew that the pieces were slowly falling into place around him, revealing a puzzle he didn't want.
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Posted: Fri Feb 21, 2014 10:53 pm
"It's funny huh? I came here for my sister. I'll leave her without her." She sighed, breath fogging the window. "I don't see it like you or Otto do. I don't see it like Stormy does. I see myself breaking, missing, broken, only half of who I am really."
She didn't look over at Ian because she didn't understand what he meant. "No, I'm only half of me. I'm not Nevada much, Just her image."
It was crazy, she sounded crazy. But in the end, it made perfect sense to her.
"This place is hell, you're right..." She did look at him now, "And I'm just one lost soul to add to it's collection. I'll tell you Ian, because you should know." She hissed, "Do you know what happens when your weapon dies, when it completely breaks?" She reached over to touch Ian's chest, poking her finger to the place over his heart. "You lose yourself. Slowly your body degenrates, your mind becomes inconsable, hungry. that's what I feel. Hungry, it's like a hunger I cannot fill, a void I can't complete. It's the feeling of losing myself completely after being dependent on Leroy for so long."
She hissed, "You lose your weapon, you lose yourself."
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Posted: Mon Feb 24, 2014 9:28 pm
He felt nearly the same as he had when he'd first found out about Shiloh's "death;" the same sort of groundlessness, of being knocked entirely off of his feet, of falling and falling and falling without ever landing, without being able to close his eyes and let everything pass him by.
"No," said Ian again, and it came out scratchy, hardly audible. He swallowed, licking his lips, and tried again. "No, you're going to be just fine, y'hear me? You're going to be just fine, you're going to go to the infirmary and you're going to do whatever it is that you need to, and you're gonna be just fine."
But he knew, even as he said it, that she wouldn't go, and that he couldn't force her - and besides, what could they do? It was a useless suggestion, a pathetic one, pulled out of a desperate desire for her not to disappear because he could see that she was already breaking away, that she was already broken.
He felt like she was disappearing right in front of him.
Ian reached out towards her, wrapped his hand around the back of her neck and pulled Nevada towards him, against his chest. He buried his face in her hair and tried to ignore the way his fingers shook against her skin.
"I don't want to lose you."
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Posted: Mon Feb 24, 2014 10:39 pm
"They kicked me out of the infirmary, I can't go there." She had already tried. Begged, pleaded.
She wasn't a hunter, she didn't get to use their resources anymore. She wasn't a hunter Ian, so why would they try to fix her. She wasn't useful, so why would they waste their time on her?
"I don't need to do anything..." She said blankly, she wanted to feel something. Anger again, sadness. But it was a calm acceptance. A defeating silence inside her.
She didn't feel the tears dropping because she didn't expect them. When he wrapped her in him, she clutched back, but she didn't know she was.
She was sobbing, breaths hastening, crumpled into such simplistic mess. She was dying, she was lost.
"I don't want to die Ian...I don't want to die yet..."
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Posted: Wed Feb 26, 2014 9:00 pm
It somehow didn't surprise him that she wasn't allowed in the infirmary, not because she would have done something to get herself kicked out, but because after a certain point, there was nothing to be done and they would need the space for other casualties.
Which meant that they had already given up hope of even trying to save Nevada.
The floor had dropped out beneath Ian once already, and know it was crumbling into pieces beneath his feet, breaking away and shattering until there was nothing left for him to stand on, nothing left to give him the support he needed to stay sane, to stay afloat.
Why did everything have to be so terrible? Why had he ever thought that this path would be less difficult and less painful than the one he'd been on before he'd decided to join Deus?
He felt Nevada shaking, a wetness seeping into Ian's shirt, and his arms wound tightly around her, so tightly it was probably difficult to breathe properly, but he couldn't let go, not yet, not when he could hear her voice, horribly sad and agonizing to listen to.
"You can't die," he told her, and he could hear the lie in his own voice, and they both knew that it wasn't true, that this was not something that could just be brushed away. "Don't leave me, you can't, I can't - I can't do this without you - "
He had not cried when Shiloh died, at least not publically; he wasn't normally an emotional person, preferring to keep things locked tightly away for no one to see. But now, as he stood there with Nevada, a gasping, shaking sob escaped Ian's throat, his fingers digging into Nevada's shoulders.
"I don't want you to die, I don't want you to leave."
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Posted: Thu Feb 27, 2014 9:48 am
She didn't know what else to say to him, It was hard thinking of dying. Knowing she would.
"I'm only 19, there are worse people on this Island that could die, why is it me?" She shuddered, "What did I do so wrong that I deserve to die..."
Her grip would almost turn painful for Ian, if she wasn't careful. "What do I do, I don't want to leave here yet. Otto finally accepted me, I have so many good friends, Stormy.....Stormy...." She choked, "I'm dying and they won't have me anymore, what do I do Ian..What do I do!?!"
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Posted: Thu Feb 27, 2014 9:10 pm
"It's not fair," said Ian, and he pushed his face further into Nevada's hair, inhaling her scent, wanting to never let go because he was afraid if he did she'd dissolve right then and there, that she'd disappear where she stood. He slid a hand over her head in a tender gesture, hating that he couldn't be stronger for her.
"Nothing," he said firmly, and then again, "Nothing. You didn't do anything wrong, you're ******** fantastic, the world...the world just sucks, and it's not fair, it's not fair at all."
Why do you have to be the one to get taken?
Ian leaned back his head far enough so that he could look at Nevada, his grip like iron on her shoulders, his eyes red; though there was no wetness to them, not yet at least.
"You live," he said, and there was a desperate note in his voice. "You live, Nevada, until your time is up."
His fingers curled over her arms, which felt thin beneath his touch, too thin, too fragile. She had never been this fragile before. "Is there anything you want to do?" he said gruffly. "Anything at all? Anything on or off the island?"
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Posted: Fri Feb 28, 2014 3:17 pm
If only the word fair could calm her, if only knowing everyone thought it unfair that she was dying could cure her impending death. If only words held some sort of power here. They didn't though.
Nothing held power here.
"I can't, I can't Ian. All I see is pain, All I want is FEAR again. I'm so hungry but I can't eat, I'm so tired but if I fall asleep, I don't know if I'll wake up again. I'm not living, I don't know how again." She stopped.....
"I don't know, I didn't think I was going to die again, I don't know..." She sobbed, "I don't even know what my last wish is, or my last meal should be."
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