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Serkonos

Loyal Paladin

PostPosted: Tue Feb 11, 2014 8:06 am


Hello everyone my name is Serkonos. I joined this guild because I would love to see the stories that others write and get inspiration from them. Not only this but I would like to post stories myself and get feedback. I'm a new writer with great ambition, I'm sure i'll make plenty mistakes hopefully you guys can help me correct them. Now with the introduction out of the way here is my story.

Concept: People are forced to band together to survive in apocalyptic mutated world. The specific people I chose are the armed forces. I have no set location of where this might take place yet.

Chapter 1

“Are you ready?” he proceeded down a dark hallway. “Now remember the formation we practiced. Jenkins you head in first.” Jenkins fiddled with the door. “It’s locked sir.” said Jenkins “Okay get out of my way rook.” He shoved Jenkins back and he went stumbling over to Sterling. “That guy doesn't even care about our squad he treats us like animals.” said Jenkins. “Yeah the guy can be a real douche.” replied Sterling. “Okay lets go!” Sterling hit Jenkins on the arm lightly. “Come on.” The lock of the door clicked. It opened and one after another they filtered through the room. “Woah.” Jenkins was startled by the massive library they'd just entered. “Look at this place it is covered in dust.” Jenkins swiped his hand across the bookshelves that were empty. He pulled his hands up and saw dust collide on the edges of his glove. “Must have been along time before anyone has been here.” said their commander. “Ha...yeah.” replied Jenkins. Jenkins took the dust covered library in. “Luckily we have gas masks on or the radiation would get to us.” the commander trailed off into an undiscovered section of the library. “Yup. We would be dead if it wasn't for these gas masks.” There was no response from their commander. “Sir… a-are you there?” Jenkins strolled over to the position of where the commander went. Sterling followed behind. Jenkins started to get fidgety. They turned the corner of a huge book case. “I wonder where he went.” said Sterling. “It’s like you're reading my mind private Sterling.” They walked down the aisle of books. “Hey!” Jenkins yelled. He saw his commanding officer being dragged by a foul being. Jenkins and Sterling ran after it. “I hope your weapon is loaded Sterling!” said Jenkins. “Yup, how about yours?” asked Sterling. “You know it.” Jenkins cocked his gun and ran towards the officer. They now faced a ravaged aggressor. The being dropped the commander his head smashing to the ground. “Ready, fire!” Jenkins yelled. They both shot their bullets the bullets disappearing into thin air with the foul being. “What..the hell?” Jenkins didn't believe his eyes. “What happened?” Jenkins turned around as did Sterling to check their perimeter. They sat staring into the face of the foul being standing exactly behind them with two daggers clenched and unsheathed from the holster that once held them. Two bullets were lodged in the left side of his body which meant they hit near the heart. The foul being spewed blood all over their faces as he dropped to the ground. A pile of blood pooled at their feet. Jenkins and Sterling were astonished by this new enemy. The daggers fell to the floor and made a loud clank. Jenkins wiped the blood from his face with a rag. He then handed it too Sterling. “That was… interesting.” remarked Jenkins. “I agree.” replied Sterling. “Um..what do you think that thing was?” Jenkins walked over to his commanding officer. “A new hell.” Jenkins leaned over his commanding officer and propped his head up on his knee. I think he may have a concussion. “That..thing dropped his head pretty hard on this concrete surface. “Were going to have to carry him back to the base.” said Jenkins. Jenkins looked at his surroundings, they were in a wide hallway with white glass covering the windows, the sun shone through and gleamed off the broken shards that were once removed laid on the ground. He lowered the officers head slowly then got up and headed to the window. He looked through where the broken pieces of glass had fallen. He saw the exterior of another building. There was a sign that read FIB which stood for Federal Investigation Bureau. “Okay that’s where we came in at we need to get to the clearing of the library. Then we need to head down to the FIB building there we should get access to the Metro. I’m not sure how safe we will be underground but it’s safer than staying up here.” Sterling didn't say much. The officer had proclaimed that if anything were to happen to him that Jenkins would be in charge. Jenkins threw the shoulder strap of his gun around his shoulder. “Keep your eyes open private.” Jenkins moved toward the officer and put him on his back. With the officer in tow he has no way to defend himself. “I need you to cover me Sterling.” said Jenkins. He raised his eyebrows waiting for a response. Sterling nodded and they headed towards the clearing of the library. “So the being we saw back there. What do you think it was?” Sterling asked. “Well first of all… it teleported we know that.” Jenkins gave him a goofy look. “Yes that it did. Their conversation was cut off by a big boom out in the clearing where they needed to exit. Gigantic legs appeared in front of them. The boom of this giant was enough to send them ramming into the bookcases. Jenkins was forced forward and hit his head on a pillar near one of the book cases. He now had a gash in the side of his forehead. He reached up and with the passing of blood he swiped his finger across his forehead he brought his hand down saw the blood and drifted to an unconscious state.

Chapter 2

“Jenkins! Come on were getting out of here.” Jenkins heard the voice but it was muffled from the filtration of the persons gas mask. He couldn't tell who it was. Besides the muffled voice Jenkins had a ringing in his ear. “W-what?” Jenkins heard someone screaming in the distance, the voice was still muffled. Jenkins opened his eyes and saw that he was laid down in a giant hole possibly for cover. The muffled voice proceeded. “Run.. J- Jen- Jenkins go!” Jenkins got up and crawled up to the edge of the hole he laid in. He noticed out of the corner of his eye his comrade being dragged off by the beings he saw earlier. It was his commanding officer. Jenkins made an attempt to heave himself out of the hole. Someone appeared in front of him. Jenkins looked up and was brutally kicked off the edge of the crater. He had quick reaction time, without hesitation Jenkins grabbed for the gun on his shoulder. It was no longer there. He reached down to grab for his knife, caught hold of it and as the being teleported to Jenkins.The monster had blood thirsty eyes and torn scraps of clothes covering his body. Jenkins lodged his knife into it’s chest then twisted his knife, pulled it out slowly and pushed his opponent down. Blood once again pooled at his feet. Jenkins ran to the edge and heaved himself up. He took a look at his surroundings he was still at the library and by the looks of it he assumed he was dragged to the hole. He started to run after his commanding officer, he caught up with them and saw the beings start to tear at the mans face. The commander fought back with all his might but could do nothing against so many fouls. Jenkins ran full speed at the group and threw himself at the first one. The knife was about to engage into the person's body, then it disappeared. Jenkins went tumbling to the ground and his face connected with it, he felt a surge of pain shoot through his head. “Damn it!” Jenkins pulled himself back up and lurched over the commanders body to protect him. The odds were not good one against six. Jenkins screamed something inaudible at the beings. His voice was cut off at the sound of gunfire. Shots slung every which way Jenkins went into a crouching position and watched the street light up into a massacre of blazing bullets. The people in front of him dropped like wild fire. He watched as his enemies slouched down and scuttle to the floor the bodies lifeless in life as in death. He covered his head just in case any bullets might have went his way. He finally got enough confidence to look up. “Hello Jenkins.” Sterling stood there with a smile stretched across his face. Three other men were with Sterling, they must have been from the base. “Need a hand?” Sterling reached down to Jenkins and pulled him up. “What happened?” Jenkins asked. “Well first off we got knocked out. I woke up and you were no longer there.

This is what I have so far please point out my flaws and tell me how you liked the story. Thanks!

~ Serkonos
PostPosted: Tue Feb 11, 2014 11:20 pm


Alright dude. First, who is the main character? Second, who says that first line? The leader? Third, where are they? What's the scene? Are they in an abandoned office building, a supermarket, a military base, a refugee camp, where? You have got to give background in that first chapter, catch the attention of your reader. Split up the dialogue a bit. If it is all in one big chunk of a paragraph then how can someone tell who is saying what?

Sorry. I don't mean to over criticize. I've written over 150 unfinished stories. My longest and most promising I happen to be working on revising. Yeah fun to revise 163 pages, 8 chapters. Not even complete with chapter one's revisions. I digress. Anyway, I've learned a lot from reading as many books as I can get my hands on. If you check the arenas on here you will find my writings. Most of it is early stuff but still shows what I could do. Ah the good old days when I ignored my teachers in favor of writing.

I'm off topic. All in all your idea is good it seems. Solid at least unlike most of what I write. You just really need more details and to break up the dialogue a bit. I can show an example of how to do so if need be. Oh and welcome to the guild. I honestly thought Gaia was dying out.

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Serkonos

Loyal Paladin

PostPosted: Wed Feb 12, 2014 12:40 pm


Thank you, your input has helped. I'm going to create a new story right now, seeing as this one might have potential it was still simply to give an indication of where I'm at. By the way I would love to see an example I believe that it would aid me in my writings. Cheers for the greeting. I'm glad to be in this guild.
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