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[Q]Andrew Bones, Sailor Etamin-Senshi of Hieroglyphics(crit)

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Sailor Hawk

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PostPosted: Sun Jan 19, 2014 4:46 pm


Name: Andrew Bones

Nickname: 'Drew'

Age: 14

Birthday: January 15

Sign: Capricorn

Gemstone: Ruby

Blood Type: B+

Fav. Food: Calamari

Hated Food: Steak

School: Hillworth Grammar School

Past and Family Info:

Drew's family has been ripped to shreds in the last few years. Not that he has done anything to help, though he might have been hurt the worse. You see, Drew was born a twin. Xandria, or just 'Dria' was his sister. They excelled in their own areas, Dria in technical, and Drew in artistic. Drew and Dria were very close as twins. However, it was only when their family took them to Egypt at age 11, where they really connected through a shared interest, Hieroglyphics. On the way back, he sat next to her on the plane and fell asleep. When he awoke, Dria was gone and the plane was making an emergency landing. Dria was never found. To this day Drew has emotional problems. There are times when he will lose his temper; he stopped caring about homework, and friends. Meanwhile, his parents are driven to move the family away from their last city because of the trouble that Drew has been getting into.

Hobbies:

Egyptology - This secret interest goes back to the time that Drew and Dria, were taken to Egypt for vacation by their parents. Drew saw beautiful artistry in the Hieroglyphics, whereas Dria saw a code to decode. They agreed to attempt to write letters to each other in journals to learn the Hieroglyphics well. Drew still writes letters in Egyptian Hieroglyphics to her. Lately though, he has a new journal that has an Egyptian design, and a supposedly flawed Egyptian Eye on the front. It came with a special feather; both were bought in some junk store.

Artistry - Whatever the medium, Drew loves to create things. His most beloved subject is how Dria would look today. Drew used to love to use the computer for graphic art, although he doesn't use the computer as much these days- he is really depressed. He once was an "Up and Coming Artist" for a magazine company based in California, - especially since he could pick any kind of art easily, even at the age of six; now, he just doesn't care. Most art tends to make him dwell on Dria.

Stories and more - Drew likes to write short stories and more, mostly with mysterious endings and perhaps, a darkened hope, in that without the proof of an actual dead body to be found, there is always hope, even if most likely the person is gone forever. He does a lot of research for his writings and other stuff at the library at which he enters many contests with monetary prizes. He saves the money; he isn't giving up on Dria - his goal (as a mortal) is to find out exactly what happened to at least her body.

Virtues:

Analytical Mind - Drew remembers what he hears from others and what he sees and he hears to create a hazy bird's eye view of a situation. This isn't just putting together information - his mind analyzes it and fits info together like a puzzle. This is not something he controls, it just happens. Just two weeks before he before a senshi; his parents were leaving the tiniest little clues that just begged to be solved - until he found out that he was going to Hillworth; in a very special class. He usually doesn't really realize that he's doing it, until it is done. Perhaps, if he learns strategy and tactics, he may be very useful in the war, if he can also get over his problems.

Reliable - Drew will do anything he can to honor any agreement that he has made. His word is his bond. He will drag himself out of bed at any time just to be reliable to everyone, even if he is an inch from death. If he has to buy soda while fighting a Negaverse Lieutenant, because he promised to bring some to a party, that he's now going to be late to, so be it. One reason that he does this, that he believes that it will teach others honor.

Wisdom - Although not the happiest wise one, Drew knows a few wise secrets. Such as; Anytime you give up fighting, you've already lost, as long as you keep fighting, you still have a chance of winning. Or that even putting off making a decision, is still a decision, and all decisions have consequences. This wisdom may one day help make him a leader among the Sailor Scouts or in School..

Flaws:

Self- sacrificing - Drew will do anything he can to honor any agreement that he has made, even if it is to an agent of the Negaverse. He has a very deep sense of honor, once he's said that he's going to do something, even to one without honor, he will do it. He is ready at anytime to throw himself in for someone not of the Negaverse, however, he will never knowingly put anyone else in danger. This may seem a virtue, however, this can put him in deadly danger. Like the time he promised to protect Dria's teddy bear while she went to the restroom. Some stranger bumped into him rather roughly at the train station, and accidently knocked the bear on the tracks. An express train was coming in. Drew and Dria were seven. Drew just barely escaped unscathed, and the bear was fine. Dria was happy, but their parents were furious, and it was all over the news. They had to move. Drew notices that they move a lot because of him.

Zoning Out - Drew has a habit of zoning out at the worse possible times. In school, when the teachers are teaching the most important part of the lesson, and when people are talking to him. This is because often, he is thinking about the plane crash and trying to remember the one key memory that might help him figure out what happened to his sister. Unfortunately, he zones out at times that could be crucial to his homework (might be part of the reason his grades are bad), or when his parents are leaving a message to him. Yeah, teachers and parents can get very upset with this.

Extremely Emotional - Drew has done the traditional gothic style stuff, including dying his hair black, wearing black clothes and black make-up, in his grief for his lost twin. He apparently still has some humor left, as he tried to wear a black veil to school, which his parents put a resounding no to, and he revealing he was joking. However, most things are no longer fun and games for him. His sister, to him maybe lost forever in the deep blue sea, or could still be alive, somewhere. He hurts in his heart, knowing wherever she is, he could not help her, and if she is still alive, he still can't. This often enrages him, and he lashes at anyone and anything around him.

PHYSICAL DESCRIPTION

Eyes: Jade, Almond

Hair: Black, 6 inch Braid, all of it is tied back.

Face: Heart shaped, light freckling, reg. ears, a small red scar across the right temple from the plane crash. 3 uneven black teardrop tattoos under left eye.

Skin Olive colored

Body Type: Tall, Muscular
PostPosted: Sun Jan 19, 2014 6:26 pm


Senshi: Sailor Etamin, Senshi of Heiroglyphics
Etomology
Draco γ Draconis Etamin, Eltanin The name is originally from the Arabic name of the constellation التنين At-Tinnin "the great serpent". γ Dra was also one of the "Five Camels", Quinque Dromedarii, in Arabic Al ʽAwāïd.
Challenge: "I will defeat you today, the Etamin way."
Fuku Colour:
Main Color: Black
Secondary Color: Gold

Fuku:

Collar -- Plain Sailor Collar
Bow -- Sash in the back, Small plain bow in front
Bodice - thin Shirt
Sleeves -- thin sleeves
Brooch -- gold beetle (scarab)
Bottoms -- Egyptian male, loincloth/skirt thingy
Tiara -- a simple gold band curving down to a point in the center of the forehead, in the point is a ruby
Choker --none
Shoes -- sandals - desert
Gloves -- none
Accessories -- Etamin Journal (Egyptian style with modified Egyptian Eye) with a special black Quill


Attacks:


Sailor Scout Attack: Pharaoh's Curse
-Directions: Write Curse in Hieroglyphics in air (appear in air). In English reads,
"Blind as Pharaoh,
In death, you will be,
Until count of thirty,
Cause you would not listen to me."


-Effects: Blinds enemy for 20 seconds

-Uses: 3

Super Sailor Scout Attack: Pharaoh's Plague (appear in air)
-Directions: Write Curse in Hieroglyphics in air. In English reads,
"Blind and deaf as Pharaoh,
In death, you will be,
Until count of thirty,
Cause you would not listen to me."


-Effects: Blinds and deafens enemy for 25 seconds

-Uses: 2

Eternal Sailor Attack: Pharaoh's Trap
-Directions: Write Curse in Hieroglyphics in air (appear in air). In English reads,
"Since you've come,
Evil things you have done,
Spread sickness upon this land,
Now be entombed in darkness where you stand,"


-Effects: Entombs the enemy in darkness for 30 seconds

-Uses: 1

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itspao_


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PostPosted: Mon Jan 20, 2014 10:48 am


Hey-o, I can't really crit or anything, but I thought I'd point out something kind of minor about Drew's age. To go to Hillworth he'd have to be between 14 and 18, and if you were intending for him to awaken as a regular senshi (that is, not a Chibi) he'd have to be between 14 and 20. :3
PostPosted: Mon Jan 20, 2014 10:52 am


Ah thank you so much. I'm changing it right now.

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PostPosted: Tue Jan 21, 2014 9:28 am


Sailor Hawk


Hey there, Hawk! Welcome to the shop. smile It's great that you've already got a quest up. I tend to be pretty thorough in my critiques, but it's only because I want to see you succeed! I'm nothing official, though. If there's anything I saw that strikes you as wrong, just tell me to go to hell. wink

General

Hillworth is a reform school for "troubled" boys or boys from disrupted backgrounds. How did Drew end up there?

Hobbies

Egyptology: (Perhaps a more polished-sounding name than "Egyptian Interest"? Just a thought.) First of all, since this is the first time you've mentioned Dria in your profile, you might want to specify who she is. IE: This secret interest goes back to the time that Drew and Dria, his twin sister, were still together. You might also want to specify more about how he got into this hobby and how he participates in it. How old was he when he became interested in Egypt, and what sparked his interest? Does he have a lot of books about it? Documentaries? Does he go to every single traveling exhibition of artifacts that he can get to? I really like the point about him still writing letters to his sister in hieroglyphs, but since you've said in the main thread that he believes her to be dead, what does he do with those letters once he's written them? Does he send them? Keep them as a diary? Destroy them? And if he's sending them, do they just disappear out into the world, or do they return to him unopened?

Artistry: This is a really promising hobby, but being more specific about it would again help you a lot. Has he always been creative, or did he pick it up as a coping mechanism after his sister's death? Is he self-taught, or has he taken classes? He's fourteen - is he a prodigy, just average for his age, or is his work kind of sloppy? Is he better at one medium over another - paint, charcoal, sculpting? What does he get out of this hobby? Is it cathartic, or does it just make him dwell on his sister's death?

Grieving: Ooh! The tiniest little goth. Does he only participate in this hobby with how he dresses and what writing implements he uses, or does he listen to totally awful depressing music and always talk about how sad he is? Is he aware that this is sort of overblown, or is he totally sincere? How did he get the tattoos - are they really sloppy, because he or a friend did them with a needle and a pen, or are they professional grade? In which case, what professional gives facial tattoos to a fourteen year old kid?

Virtues

Information Gathering: This is a hobby. As a virtue, you might want to change the name, and talk about how his intelligence helps him be good at extrapolating from incomplete data. Maybe "Critical Thinker" ? Anyway, virtues are more personality traits than skills - how is this a part of his personality? Does being analytical impact how he sees the world? Is he good at guessing games and logic puzzles?

Deep sense of honor: I think that you need to go a lot more in-depth here. How did this sense of honor develop? Does it just mean that he keeps promises, or is he a reliable friend in other ways? Can people count on him? Does he always bring what he said he'd bring to parties? I think that just saying he'll keep any agreement, even with a negaverser, out of context, isn't enough information to go by here.

Think of adding another virtue or two to help round him out!

Flaws

Deep sense of honor: Just repeating the same thing doesn't make it clear why this is both a virtue and a flaw. Maybe the virtue is that he's "Reliable," but the flaw is that he's "Self-sacrificing"? Does he go out of his way to do things for friends, even if it means neglecting his own self-care? Does he do things, even if he resents doing them? Does he volunteer to do stuff even when he's already overloaded? In the virtue, think more about why this is a good thing he should be respected for. In the flaw, think about why this behavior can be harmful to himself and others.

Grieving: Again, this is a hobby, not a personality trait. Maybe something like "Stuck in the past," "Stick in the mud" ? It's clear what you're going for here, but you might want to talk more about how hard it is for Drew to get over things and move on. Is it just his sister, or does this apply in other ways? Does he hold grudges? Does he get stuck in remembering painful or embarrassing times and let it ruin his mood? Does all this depressing behavior annoy people around him?

Again with the Dria thing: "Apathetic" might be a better word here. Right now it sounds like an extension of the previous trait, but with a little bit of rewriting about how Drew just doesn't give a ******** about jack s**t because he's so self-absorbed and caught up in his own tragedy... You've got great bones here, it just needs some fleshing out. smile

Appearance
-Mention the tattoos again.
-What color is his skin?
-What's his body type like? Is he short or tall, fat, thin, muscular? It won't show up in art, but it's good to know.
-What's the scar from?
-Could you be more specific about his hairstyle? Does he have bangs, or is it all pulled back? If he does, are they long, short, sideswept, in his face, neat, etc?

Powered

These attacks don't really scream "Hieroglyphs" to me. The first two read as maybe "curses" and the last one reads as "locusts." Senshi attacks should be specifically related to the sphere - what does Hieroglyphs mean as a power set? What is its role in combat? You might have to get kind of esoteric.

In general, you might want to go a little more in-depth about how his powers work. How do they make the target feel? What is their specific effect and how long does it last for? That sort of thing.

Again, welcome to the shop and congrats on making your first quest! If you have any questions about any of this feedback, quote me or send me a PM and I'd be super happy to talk to you!

Edit: his starseed would not be outside his body. Only corrupt senshi can take theirs out and play with them. His tiara can have a ruby on it, but his starseed needs to remain firmly inside his chest.
PostPosted: Tue Jan 28, 2014 2:35 pm


Sailor Hawk


Hi Hawk, and welcome to the shop! Let's check out Drew and get him stamped!

ON THE CIVILIAN SIDE:

I think his hobbies look alright as is, and I admit I'm probably more amused than I should be by the "Grieving" thing. I'd like to ask the same question as Silv - is he really sincere in all this, or does he have an idea that it's a little over the top? I'm also not sure "Grieving" is the best title for a hobby, but I'm not sure what else to call it here? Maybe "Emo" since that's kinda what's going on here?

As for his virtues, "Analytical Mind" as it is doesn't really stand as one. It's an interesting trait and something to work with, but I'd like to know how it's useful since right now it reads more like a skill or hobby than an actual trait. Perhaps morphing it into an "Observant" - type virtue would work better? He's good at picking out details in his environment, etc.

For "Deep Sense of Honor," I'd like a little about why people like him for this, since that's an important element of any virtue. What does he do if he's literally unable to honor a commitment and there's nothing he can do?

We also ask for an equal number of virtues and flaws, so a third virtue would be excellent!

As for flaws --

"Deep Sense of Honor" certainly works as a flip - but I'd like more detail here too. Does he honor self-destructive commitments? Commitments that might be harmful to he other person (someone shares depressive/suicidal thoughts but makes him swear not to tell, for instance)?

"Grieving" could also use more detail, and I think it'd be better as a more general flaw like "Stuck in the past." Is it just Dria he can't let go of? Is he generally sort of a downer? Does he often share his depressive thoughts with other people?

"Again with the Dria thing" works better, I think, as "Apathetic" since it's mostly focused on how he doesn't care, but it primarily seems like a repeat of what's in his "Grieving" flaw, so I'd like to see them separated a little more, or merged into one trait (at which point you wouldn't need that third virtue!)

ON THE POWERED SIDE:

His starseed definitely cannot be outside his body - as Silv said, only Negaverse senshi can have them outside, and even then, they have to be handling them in some way or they experience the effects of their loss; losing your starseed first causes you to pass out and eventually to die, so it's not a fun experience!

These attacks are reading as vaguely Egyptian, but not really "heiroglyphics," to me. I'd also like more detail - how does he perform the attacks (and this is where you can bring the sphere in!) Does he sort of air-sketch a heiroglyphic symbol? Does one appear on his target/targeted area? How long do the effects of his attacks last? How many times can he use them per battle?

Also, how does his Eternal attack visually manifest? Is it a swarm of locusts as the attack name implies? I'd just really like more detail all around!

I know this is a little long, sorry! ;; Quote me once you've made changes and I'll be back to give him another look!


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PostPosted: Tue Feb 04, 2014 10:43 am


Thank you Ma'am. I'm still working on Silv's suggestions. Please give me some time, to get to yours.
PostPosted: Tue Feb 04, 2014 1:50 pm


Die Fluegel der Freiheit

Hey again, thanks for the help. Made some major changes. the only two things left to figure out are the Super Sailor attack, and the Eternal Sailor attack - I'm going for Strong Curse, Stronger Curse, and Strongest Curse.

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PostPosted: Tue Feb 04, 2014 3:30 pm


Sailor Hawk


Hey, Hawk! smile You've done a lot of really great revision work on Drew, so let's get right to work.

As a general note, be careful with your spelling and grammar. With very few exceptions (some acronyms, words beginning with a silent H), nouns beginning with consonants take the article "a" and nouns beginning with vowels take the article "an." - ie, he ate a bagel and an apple. You have a few places in this profile where you mix the two up. Also be careful about punctuation (you have some missing close parentheses and quotation marks) and slang that isn't correct in writing ("cause" is an acceptable shortening of "because" in spoken English, but when you're writing, you really should use "because" for clarity).

Egyptology: I really like that you've clarified how this hobby started and what drew Drew and Dria to it, but I still don't understand why he's so secretive about it. Is he embarrassed because he thinks it's nerdy? Is it something private between him and his sister that he doesn't want other people intruding on?

Artistry: Thank you for clarifying his talent level and participation in this hobby!

Grieving: Again, thank you for clarifying this hobby!

I will let Song handle the plot you have planned for him and Dria and whether or not it would fly. I know there are rules in the shop regarding whether people on opposite sides of the war can know each other's civilian identities (it is generally advised against), but I don't want to tell you that you can't do something that you might actually be able to do.

Analytical Mind: I think that this is getting there, but you might still need to flesh it out a bit more. What kinds of useful applications does this have? Does it help him in school or in social situations? Even if this happens subconsciously, is he cognizant of it happening and able to use it to his advantage?

Reliable: Looks good to me!

Hope: I think that "Hopeful" or "Optimistic" might be better names for this, just as far as sounding good goes. You may want to flesh this out a little still. Does it mean he is able to recover from setbacks well? Does he respond positively and push through failure? Does it help him academically or socially, as well as in relation to his sister?

Self-sacrificing: I like that Drew strives to teach others honor, but since this is a flaw, you might want to discuss how he will honor an agreement even if it means risking injury or maybe giving up something he really wants. Is there any kind of cap on how far he will go to keep his word? Are there any consequences for himself if he can't uphold an agreement?

Zoning Out: I would imagine that it's super hard to zone out when someone is actively trying to kill you, but other than that this looks really good.

Anger Outbursts: I think it might help to talk more about what sorts of things are most likely to push Drew's buttons, instead of leaving it up to "randomly" occurring.

Powered form

The page you should actually be linking to for his powered name is this one.

Re: attacks.
  • What is the EXACT effect of this attack? Is it primarily offensive or defensive? What does it do to the person it is used on? How does that person feel, what kind of damage do they take, etc? How long does it last for? 20-30 seconds is about normal for a first-level attack.
  • Your super attack is a stronger version of your basic attack. So if your first attack is Pharaoh's Curse, does X, and lasts for 20 seconds, then maybe your second attack is Pharaoh's Plague (I literally just looked for synonyms of curse to name these), has X and now also Y effect, and lasts for 20 seconds?
  • For your eternal attack, if you are continuing the theme of curses, think about a new and stronger spin on your previous themes. If your first two attacks are offensive, maybe your third is defensive, since senshi don't lose their ability to use their previous attacks? Maybe your third attack is "Pharaoh's Anathema" (again just using the thesaurus), and instead of inflicting damage, the curse is to place a stumbling block or entrapment on the opponent, sort of like how a graverobber could become trapped in a cursed tomb (curses being laid with hieroglyphs... I'm reaching here a bit.)


Anyway, you've done a lot of great work so far. Thanks for asking me to look this over again. We'll get these attacks sorted out!
PostPosted: Wed Feb 05, 2014 1:56 pm


Sailor Hawk


Primarily, Silv's crit is excellent, but I do have a few things to add!

Without more information I can't say for certain whether your plot will work or not, but we don't allow cross-faction identity knowledge unless it's right before a purification or corruption. So basically, the twins could certainly be a Senshi and a Nega, but they could not know each others' identities unless it was right before one of them swapped to the other side.

For his "Analytical Mind" virtue, I would ideally like any references to it being a "developing skill" to be removed, since that sort of negates it being a personality trait!

A lot of the "Self-sacrificing" flaw really reads as a virtue and would be best mixed in with his "reliable" virtue, the stuff about teaching others honor etc.

Other than that, Silv's covered a lot of what I'd normally say!


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PostPosted: Wed Feb 05, 2014 3:59 pm


Die Fluegel der Freiheit


alright up to date on edit as of now

also, the main thing is that I would just like to do one major battle between twins that love each dearly, but like to see them together too.
PostPosted: Wed Feb 05, 2014 6:22 pm


Sailor Hawk


Well, like I said, they can't know each others' identities unless it's right before one corrupts or purifies; however, for more than that you would have to make an official plot submission to the GMs after you acquire Etamin.

I think the civilian side looks good! However, I still have a few issues on the powered side.

Right now, Etamin's Super isn't an upgrade of his regular, it's a totally different attack. I also feel that totally deafening and blinding an opponent for thirty seconds is too powerful for a first-level Senshi; one or the other would be fine, but not both. At Super, he could do both, and Eternal could be the storm of bees, since the Eternal attack is allowed to be something completely different from the other two?


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PostPosted: Thu Feb 06, 2014 5:07 pm


Sailor Hawk

Okay, looks good to me!

User Image - Blocked by "Display Image" Settings. Click to show.

A GM will be by soon~
PostPosted: Wed Feb 12, 2014 3:09 pm


Sailor Hawk


THE CIVILIAN

The only major note I have to make has to do with the Senshi/Nega plot you have woven throughout your quest! Everything else is pretty minor and should be a relatively quick fix!

As both Silv and Song have stated, characters on opposite sides of the war are not allowed to know the civilian identity of their enemy (so a Senshi cannot know the civilian identity of a Negaverse officer, and a Negaverse officer cannot know the civilian identity of a Senshi) except for in a very specific, plot-approved set of circumstances that would end in the purification or corruption of one of those individuals. You are more than welcome to draft and submit a formal plot to the Space Cauldron mule once you have won your character, but I unfortunately cannot stamp this profile with those plot elements woven through it.

So these are the things that I currently cannot approve and would need to be removed in order for me to be able to drop a stamp in here:

  • Regarding his Egyptology hobby: It came with a special feather and was a gift for his fourteenth birthday from a long lost, long removed relative (perhaps actually a guardian cat who didn't die) -- For him to have received the feather from a relative is fine, but for him to have received it from a guardian cat prior to becoming a Senshi would require approval. I'm unsure as to what you mean by a Guardian Cat who didn't die; are you perhaps referencing the fall of the Silver Millennium? If that's the case, this is not something I can okay on my own and would have to be run by the mule in a formal proposal!

  • Also regarding his Egyptology hobby: (This journal is from Etamin, and belonged to the royal family millennia ago.) -- He may be able to retrieve a journal from his homeworld, but this would also have to be approved and he could not be in possession of this journal until after he became a Senshi and had actually made a trip to his homeworld.

  • Regarding his Aristry hobby: (Metaplot - I plan to later to make Dria as an agent of the Negaverse, however, I'm thinking that she'll be purified, and if need be, one can be killed in battle.) As a precaution, it is always good to leave intended plot-lines out of a quest, particularly if those plot lines require approval!

  • Regarding his Grieving hobby: He's been told that they will fight on opposite sides; to save her would destroy the world. To save the world, he would have to destroy her. What a choice to have to make, your twin or the world? -- This runs along the same lines as those above. If this was a situation where he'd gotten his fortune told by a random fortune teller at a carnival, that would be fine, but if I'm reading the rest of your quest right it seemed as if you intend for the person who foretold this prophecy to be a Negaverse officer? Previous encounters with any side of the war prior to becoming an official character in the shop should generally be run through the mule to be approved. Any instance of encountering powered individuals overseas or really anywhere outside of Destiny City have to be formally approved!

  • Regarding his Self-Sacrifcing flaw: He's never forgiven himself for letting Dria get taken, and if it should happen again to someone else - Drew just may lose his sanity. -- Again, this seems to be implying that the Negaverse may be responsible for his sister going missing, which is a plot-point that would require approval.

  • Regarding his Zoning Out flaw: What is happening is that he is thinking what happened to Dria, and that he will someday have to fight her. Same as above!

  • Regarding his Anger Outbursts flaw: He is very angry with himself for not saving her. This would be fine if she'd died/gone missing under normal circumstances. and that one day he'll have to fight her in a battle to the death, to save the world. This goes along with all of the above!


Which brings me to your section about the Accident. All of those things above would have to be removed if I were to stamp this quest. The section about the Accident would also have to be removed, as that plot would have to be submitted to the mule for approval.

I would also like to see a little more about what makes his Grieving hobby a hobby! Hobbies are generally things that people enjoy doing, things that make people happy or bring them comfort. His Grieving hobby is written more like an emotional state he is constantly in than it does a true hobby!

I'd also like to see a little more added to his flaws as far as what it is about those flaws that could make other people dislike him. I've found that a good way to look at flaws is to ask yourself: How would this make people annoyed with my character? How would this make people dislike him? How would it make people hate him? If people were going to gossip about my character because of these negative traits, what would they say about him and why?

THE SENSHI

The effects of the attacks are okay, as are the time and usage limits! The effects themselves don't seem as if they have too much to do with his sphere of Heiroglyphics, but as long as the sphere is demonstrated somewhere in the attack, you can get a little wiggle room!

I did want to comment on the Etamin Journal, though. Again, in order for him to have any sort of journal like this, it would have to be formally approved, and he could not receive it until after he's become a Senshi and likely visited his homeworld (If you intend for it to be from Etamin). Even then it could not be used to cast his magic! Senshi are not allowed to have weapons or any sort of objects for magic casting, so this needs to be changed.

If he were a Knight, on the other hand, he could have some sort of a journal for his "weapon," but Senshi must always remain weaponless as well as objectless (unless that object came in the form of a personal item, which would also have to go through the approval process and which cannot be used in battle anyway)!

The Hieroglyphs could appear in the air when he's casting his magic, though, but he can't write them in a journal or have any sort of item involved in his attack.

Sunshine Alouette

Eternal Senshi


Sunshine Alouette

Eternal Senshi

PostPosted: Thu Feb 13, 2014 4:18 pm


Thanks for PMing me to let me know you'd finished the edits!

This is now APPROVED!

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