Resolve

Timeline: Path of Radiance

ShinonxRolf

Because Stef kicked my a** about finishing this. And I swear, I think I revised and edited and added more s**t in about four times in one sitting before I threw my hands up and said "NOPE, NOT ADDING MORE ON. IT'S DONE. SCREW LOOSE ENDS." Also, I abused the hell out of the italics. I seriously think my laptop keyboard began bleeding. XD

|DDD So, uh, it's kind of one-sided and I may or may not end up writing more for this, but for now, GOOD ENOUGH AS IS. You all get to see my inner design on how I think Shinon is. If you all disagree, that's cool, but please don't ream me a new one for it.

It's called creative license and I tend to put it to extreme use at times. Hatas gon' hate, yo. *shot*

But enough about that. Hope you all enjoy this. <3

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She's with him again.

He always spends most of his free time with her. I guess it's because he's been friends with her since the two first met. But it brings a bitter taste to my mouth as I watch him laugh and giggle in that child-like way he always does when he's in sheer bliss of mirth that can only be described as being a child. When he's with her, he can be the kid I know he really is. With everyone else, he has to act like the grown up, strong Sniper he's become now.

He does it with me, too.

He no longer gives me such childish smiles and innocent-filled eyes when he looks at me, he no longer calls me 'Uncle' like he used to. No, not anymore. He's forced himself to grow up, to take his place beside the rest of us in this world of fighting. Swallowing is hard right now because I know it's my fault.

My fingers clench tightly in anger. Not at anyone in this group, though. If there's anyone to pin the blame on this time, it's myself.

Of course, I could always blame the rest for letting him, for helping along at what I started in making him what he is. I should be proud, right? I should be smirking as I watch him feather someone and know that I'm the one that taught him all that, right? But you're wrong. I'm not.

Because of my foolish mistake in ever showing him the basics of archery and even going as far as to making him a bow, it's my fault he's this way now.

Maybe I'd been too harsh on him with my insults. I was never satisfied with his progress. I always had to find a weakness in him and stomp on it, reopen the wound, pour salt in it and stomp on it again.

Maybe if I'd just been kinder to him...

That shrieking laugh that only belongs to him knocks me out of my self-loathing and I watch again with a sour expression as he's rolling around on the floor with her, tickling her and they're both acting their real ages.

...I think my knuckles have turned white I'm clenching them so hard. I'm vaguely surprised the table that's in said fists hasn't cracked yet. Hard to swallow again and it only serves to anger me more.
Relax, let it go. Breathe.

Letting go of the table, I cross my arms if only to curb the twitching of my fingers as they ache to pick up a bow and grab an arrow or three and feather her. Bah, what good would that do, though? Feh, save it for the next fight. Yes, let it build up and release it on your enemies, good... Besides, I don't need the Idiot on my case if I ever did such a thing.

Oh boy, he'd either kill me or he'd at least severely injure me again. Feh, idiot. He should've let me die. Not like it mattered any if I lived or not. What would I even say to him if I did? I avoid speaking to him, anyway. Oh yeah, how about this?

'Yeah, sorry, Ike. I got a little carried away with my thoughts and got angry and feathered the closest person near me and it happened to be your sister. Oops.'

Tch. Yeah, that would work real well.

Dear Goddess, does he have to continue giggling and shouting with joy whenever he tags her? Gah, why do I care? I don't. Hmph. Just look away and think on something else, yep. Always works for me. But unfortunately, I can't because of the loud sounds the two are making. Him, mostly. I can easily drown her voice out, but it's his that I no longer can.

Ashera-dammit, it's not fair.

I want his attention, dammit. I've come to expect it, to actually need it to get by with my day. Now he barely ever says a word to me. Always busy, always being what he isn't. It's enough to make me sick to my stomach. I want to yell at him sometimes, to just break and shatter him again, undoing and erasing the things I'd drilled into him.

...But it doesn't work like that, does it? No, and I know this only too well.

Hah, I'm so pathetic.

The idea at first just sounded too good to pass up. What better way to get back at those losers than show them their own baby brother could surpass them? Of course, I had other reasons than to teach him. He was at the point where he needed to learn, so he could grow. Survival is key. He needed to learn that fighting isn't a game, that once someone dies, they can't magically come back like in the games he'd play with her, that life wasn't some stupid Fairy Tale.

I could have feathered Ike. I mean, truly. I could have just taken my bow and feathered him with four arrows straight in the head when I came to learn Rolf was there that day in Daein. How dare him. How dare he even let him, let alone his own Ashera-damned sister of all people fight. They're children.

Well, I mean I tried to. Stupid idiot was faster than I last remembered. He got out of my line of fire and closed the distance so I couldn't hit him. Gah, and he managed to hit me before I could move. Pathetic of me. I should've saw it coming.

...Apparently someone else had been teaching him swordsmanship. Not that I care. The initial swordstyle is of course, Greil's, but someone had obviously been training him because there were no longer flaws in his footwork and the way he flowed from one attack to the next. He couldn't have learned all that on his own, he's no prodigy!

Pah! Idiot...

I'm seething again. Gah, Shinon, you've got to stop this. Stop your damn brooding and snap out of it. ...Maybe I need a drink. Yeah, that's actually starting to sound good right now. A drink may help get this out of my head. So here I go, turning my back away from the scene and slipping away without a word to grab a drink or two. Goddess knows that I need one.

Ahh, nice and cold. Always does me good. And oh look, there goes the idiot pup now. Hey, Ike, no fights today? Haha, by the way, why did you ever let those two ever fight? Pah, yeah right. I'd still really enjoy hitting him right in the back about now. But no, that wouldn't be profitable at this point in time, would it? Oh, no. Dear Princess Elincia would just be so heartbroken. Her dear General Ike is gone! Oh no, whatever shall we do? Crimea will be no more if Ike dies!

Hah. Wench.

She's so pathetic it makes me sick. Can't even do things for herself. Oh, sure she may have a sword and armor and a damn Pegasus of all things, but that doesn't make her a warrior. Just because she fights along side us doesn't make her any different than what she was before: A useless broad with a fancy title.

So I take a few hauls off of my nice, cold, alcoholic beverage with high hopes that I can get sloshed fast enough to avoid the incoming headache of bitterness I know will come if I don't.

...And Ashera hates me.

Because no more than I just thought that, than they go running through the place, playing tag. One of the few few and far between rest periods we get without battles, and the two spend it being children again. How typical.

Though they've gotten a hell of alot more closer lately. Or maybe it's just my imagination. No, it's not. They always fight side-by-side in battle, they are always off talking by themselves, always practicing with each other. If he gets hurt, in practice or in the field, she's right there to heal him.

He's either with her, or with that blasted Falcon Knight. What's her name again? Pah, who cares. Doesn't matter, anyway. She could never hold a candle to me anyway. I could feather her before she even tried to raise a lance or sword against me. So what does he see in her to hang around with her?

Apparently something while I was gone.

But anyway, I swear that he's gotten so much closer to her. Is he... No. Stop thinking like that. But I can't help it because it's right there, in front of my eyes. Pah! Can't I even drink in peace now? Apparently not since Ashera finds it funny to torture me.

Goddess. Damn. It.

I scowl heavily and get up loudly from my chair I had sat in and angrily stomp out, clearly getting the two to stop their childish antics as they look in my direction startledly.

I can't take this, dammit.

I mean I really can't take this.

He's falling in love with her, isn't he?

He's at that age, I can just see it. It's inevitable, I guess, them being so close. But, damn if I don't like it. It leaves an acidic taste in my mouth. Or maybe that's the aftertaste of the alcohol, I can't be quite sure at this moment.

Where does that leave me, then? Oh good, now you're having delusions and fooling yourself, Shinon, good one. And what, you're making it sound like I'm in love with him.

I could just laugh at my stupidity.

But for some reason when I try, it just sticks in my throat and adding onto the lump there, making my breath catch as I suddenly land hard against the wall, eyes widening after a moment.

Dear Goddess, no...

It can't be.

It. Can't. Be.

I refuse to even acknowledge or believe these silly thoughts plaguing my mind.

No.

No, no, no!

I am not in love with him, dammit.

Oh, hell no.

Is that why I've missed him so damn much? No, It's not. Is that why I'm so hard on myself? Gah! Stop it. Stop it, now. Get ahold of yourself, Shinon. You're an adult, get real, stop being delusional!

...Okay, phew. I can breathe again.

Ow, damn! My shoulder throbs from where I jarred it on the wall.

Pushing off... Walk. Good. Keep walking, don't stop. Get to your room.

Okay, now just... Calm down. Good, breathe, clear your head.

Don't think. Yes, good. Now, let's get these delusional thoughts out of your head, okay?

You are not in love with him. You are not. He's only a kid, dammit. Okay, that's a lie, he's really grown up now, but dammit, no. Secondly, he's in love with her. That is inevitable and I shouldn't care.

But why do I just get so damn mad?

I want to feather anyone who even so much as looks at him sometimes. Or just... I don't know. I miss him. I want him around again, but he doesn't need me anymore. He's left me behind and it looks like now I'm the one who wants to follow him around like a lost puppy.

Pah, stop sounding like such a female, Shinon. Get a grip.

Goddess, I knew I shouldn't have come back. Sigh, that's it. I'm leaving. I don't need all of this drama. Even if it is my own. So, that settles it. I start packing, but my stupid subconscious keeps trying to stop me. It makes packing that much more difficult because I have to keep stoping to argue with myself.

Pah, everyone'd probably think I'd lost it if they ever saw what goes on in here.

Ashera, I want him to just walk through that door and stop me. No, gah, stop it. I'm leaving and that's final.

But I want him to come here and talk to me again. Goddess-dammit, that's why I came back, after all. His damn wide eyes and the way his lower lip trembled, the tears that threatened to fall from his eyes if I walked away from everything. Goddess, I just wanted to tell him to stop-

"Shinon?"

Oh, hell...

Stand up straight, turn slowly. It's him. It's him, dammit. Ashera, my luck has no end, does it?

Note the sarcasm.

Okay, Shinon, just get it over with.

"What is it, kid?"

He's looking around, he's trying to figure out why everything's gone. It hits home real quick. "Y-You're not-?"

Smart kid.

Just the way I trained him to be: Observant and quick-thinking.

"So what If I am? Nobody cares and I can't stand that idiot pup nancing around like he knows what the hell he's doing."

Eh, half a lie. But isn't this what I wanted? To see him again? To let him talk me out of it with some faint hope he'll stay with me more?

Stop deluding yourself, you're better off this way!

Oh, goddess. There goes his eyes again. I swear, they widen to inhuman widths. It makes his childish face that much more cute.

Gah, cute? Come on, stop it.

He looks stricken, shocked. Can't say I blame him, though. And, oh Ashera, there goes that lip. Please don't give me that look, dammit.

Gah.

"B-but... Shinon!" He cries in protest.

"You can't! Don't leave again. Please, not again!" He begs, lower lip trembling farther than I think I've ever seen it. Ah, dammit, here come the tears.

Part of me is in joy that he's actually trying to stop me, though.

However much I want to smile because of this, instead, I turn away from him coldly.

"I can, and I will; there's no use for me to be around. There can only be one useful Sniper around here and apparently, you've got it in the bag, kid. I'm not needed around here so I'm leaving. I taught you everything I know and let you go, and you've grown into that Sniper's image. There's nothing more for me to do. I'm sick of all the idiots running around here."

I didn't expect it and it made my eyes widen: Just as I was about to start walking, the kid slams into me from behind and latches onto my waist in a death-grip.

Dear Goddess, it's worse than the last time I'd felt it. He's gotten a hell of a lot stronger. Jeez, it's like he's trying to crush me almost.

"You can't!" He screams at me, and I can hear the hysterics in his voice.

I don't want him to let go.

No, I really don't. I want him to keep the hold on me, like he used to do when I'd get frustrated and try to leave when I was teaching him. He'd cling to me, beg me to stay and promise that he'd do it right this time if I just-

Reality check, Shinon!

"D-don't leave, Shinon... Please? I don't think I could handle it again..." He whispers and I can feel the tears when they hit the back of my shirt and soak through.

...Ashera, I can't resist him, can I?

Even when I'm not looking at him, I can just picture him and that alone is more than enough. Pah, I'm getting soft...

Pathetic.

"Give me one very good reason not to leave, Rolf." I say very seriously.

Goddess, why do I keep doing this to myself? I'm just torturing myself, hoping he'll say something along the lines of-

"I want you to stay here with me."

...Wait, what?

Okay, back up, rewind. Blink.

...Okay, I'm screwed.

Goddess, I really hate you right now.

"Oh you do, huh? Sure as hell doesn't seem like it with the way you keep running around with everyone else." Okay, that was just harsh, but the truth. Dammit, now I really want to feather something.

I can tell I hurt him by the sharp gasp he lets out and the way his grip on me weakens by the trembling of his arms. Oh, dammit.

Goddess. Damn. It.

I've done it again, haven't I? Great. Just great.

Pah, can't I even stop my sharp tongue for just two moments? Apparently not.

Hmph. Idiot.

I, apparently, cannot go about my day without saying something sharp-witted and hurtful to someone.

Ah, well.

"I-I'm sorry..." He sniffles, clinging onto me again, tighter than before.

"I'm sorry!"

Oh, dammit. I hate it when he cries.

He shouldn't cry. It's unbecoming and it hurts me, as much as I hate to admit it. Because when he cries, something hits me and tells me to do something to make him stop.

Damn.

I guess I really have fallen for him, haven't I? If I've fallen this far-to the point where I'm almost willing to do just about anything for his attention...

Heaving a loud sigh, I try, note, try to shake him loose as I attempt to turn; but his grip as I said, is far stronger than it used to be and I can't get him to let go. "C'mon, kid. Let go, and...don't cry." I say to him.

"B-but... You'll leave if I let go!" He replies fiercely, and if anything, tightens his grip on me.

"If I don't let go, you can't leave!"

...For some reason, that almost makes me smile.

Such childish logic.

But I already know: He'd do exactly that. He'd leech onto me for however long it took for me to break down and give in.

But what he doesn't know is that I already have.

I just... I really don't know what I should be doing.

"Rolf..." I begin seriously.

"I won't let you go until you stay!" He says back stubbornly.

"...Okay, okay." I sigh heavily, conceeding defeat to him.

"Fine, I'll stay, just let go-"

"Yay!!" He wails as he hugs me even tighter before letting go long enough to scramble around to face me with such radiant joy written on his face it nearly staggers me.

...Ashera, do I really have that much influence on him? Why is he always so happy whenever I give him attention? He could've latched onto anyone, why pick me? Before I even try to voice my thought, he's speaking.

"I'm so glad, I don't want you to leave! I'm so sorry I've not been around, I thought you were mad at me-"

Wait, what?

Hold on, back up a sec.

He thought I was mad at him?

"Huh... Whatever made you think I was mad at you?" I ask.

"Because you yelled at me last week on the field about how I screwed up my shot! You were going on about how I could've gotten myself killed when I went rushing forward by myself! I-I thought you were mad at me, so... So I've been staying away because I didn't want to upset you more. I'm sorry." His face is flushed with guilt and he's avoiding my stare.

...Suddenly the memory returns to me about one of our prior battles and I vaguely remember the incident.

He went rushing forward at one of the advancing enemies coming close and lined up a shot, only for his aim to miss and his second, albeit, hasty shot did not do near as much damage and the enemy closed the distance and struck him hard.

I went into a frenzied panic at seeing this. As much as I hate to admit this, I was actually glad Mist was there to heal him up while I finished the guy off.

I remember now. I guess I went off on him pretty hard after that.

Damn.

I seem to be messing up all over, huh? Good going, Shinon.

"Rolf..." I begin, heaving a sigh as I try to find the right words to voice my thoughts. Damn, I'm not good with these kinds of things...

"I'm not mad. Hell, you scared me to death pulling a stunt like that. Don't ever get hasty in your shots, it can mean your life. I almost had a heart-attack seeing you get hurt." I don't know why I'm telling him this, I must really be getting soft if I'm telling him how bad I worry for him.

However, it seems to be enough to merit some response from him. He looks up at me unsure-like from behind his bangs, chewing on his lower lip in insecurity. Gah, how many times have I told him already to stop that useless habit?

"R-really...?" He asks in that timid voice he gets when he's unsure whether he's in trouble or not.

He used to use it so much with me when I was first training him. The inflection in his tone tells me how much he's needing to hear some sort of verbal confirmation in what I'm saying. I sigh yet again, because I am really not good with this kind of thing.

Again, how is it he can hold onto everything I say? Still... He's looking at me expectantly, so I guess I have to say something.

"Yes, I really was worried. Jeez, what do you think I am, an inhuman machine? I have feelings and thoughts, too."

...Again, let it be known I cannot speak without sounding at least halfway like an a*****e.

But, I guess my words are enough because instantly his expression changes from a worried one to a brighter one as he nods fervently.

"I know, Shinon. I'm sorry I scared you. I just... I want to protect everyone! Including you, you're important to me! I just wanted to show you how good I've become. ...But all I ever seem to do is mess up and you see all my bad points..." He says in a quiet voice, looking down to the ground with mild shame.

Why is he so ashamed to admit he has flaws? Hell, I know I have them; I've just covered a few already. "Hey, we all make mistakes. It's just crucial you don't make a lot of them on the field. Survival is-"

"-Key, I know. You've ingrained that into my head, but that doesn't stop me from wanting to put myself ahead of everyone so they won't get hurt. If I can take out an enemy before they reach someone else, then I'm happy. Because I know I kept that person safe." He answers, his tone lowering and softening the more he spoke.

"Especially... When it's you." He adds in with an even quieter tone, avoiding looking up at me. He's chewing even more heavily on his lip, his fingers are curling and uncurling in his nervous habit that he developed when I worked with him to break his prior habit of fidgeting and wringing his hands.

It's not becoming to reveal how much pressure and stress you're under, lest you want an enemy to exploit that weakness; at least with the flexing of his fingers, if he could just keep a blank expression, one couldn't tell if he was anxious, excited, or angry.

However, he has a terrible poker face and no matter how many times I've tried to drill it into his mind, he just can't keep his face blank. If it's not visible on his face, it's there in his eyes. But in some ways, I'm glad for that. Because it shows me that he's still himself. I would hate myself even further if all of my lessons and teaching stuck to him, because it would change him too drastically for me to be able bear.

I have never admitted this to anyone, I don't even like admitting it to myself. The truth is, I never wanted any of my lessons to stick at all with Rolf. I had hoped to just teach him the basics and enough to instill his survival instinct. But he kept pestering me more and more, eager to learn and grow. I hate myself for turning him into what he is.

Sometimes, I look into his eyes and I see how much he's matured in such a short time and it sickens me to the core. I should never have let it get that far. But there's no taking back what's done, and I live with seeing my 'student' put the knowledge I gave him to accurate and deadly use each time we're on the field. Part of me is still damn right proud of it, another part makes me itch to improve even farther to stay one step ahead of his rapidly growing prowess, and the third part just wants to rage and despair at seeing how far I've twisted and corrupted his innocent nature.

Finally, he breaks the silence that was starting to become heavy laden between us by continuing on before I get the chance to lament further.

"...I know you can protect yourself, Shinon. You're better than me still. But I still hate knowing that there's a chance that something could happen and I could be powerless to stop it and-"

My eyes widen at what he's starting to say.

"Kid, stop." I say suddenly, holding up my hand firmly to interrupt him and he immediately falls silent, mouth closing, head snapping up to look at me with his wide eyes in mild shock.

Okay, let me take a moment here to absorb all of his hastened reasoning and let it sink into my brain the rationality of it all.

It takes a few long moments of replaying everything he's said so far to get it to make sense.

...Okay.

So, if I'm getting this right, then...

"You worry for me?" I ask, feeling a weird sense of happiness knowing that he'd risk himself for me.

I've been so used to being on my own, relying on just myself, that it feels really weird to know that he's concerned for me. The only other person who seems to give a damn about me is Gatrie. While he may be a good friend, it doesn't mean the same, I guess.

I've been fighting at Gatrie's back for so long that it just doesn't sink in that he's drawing in enemy fire for me, unlike Rolf, who is just rushing in for the sake of protecting the people he cares about.

It...really is kind of nice to know.

But at the same time...

"I can take care of myself, kid. It's not that I don't appreciate the sentiment, but as I've told you before: You're still inexperienced with a lot of these skirmishes; you've gotta watch your own skin. You can't rely on Mist or what's her name to watch your back all the time. Hell, not even I can watch you at all times." I tell him.

And it's true: While I find his concern for me nice, I also know he needs to take care of himself. As his teacher, and as a fellow Sniper, I need to make it clear to him that he needs to be aware of himself first and foremost on the field before anyone else.

Carelessness and dismissal of his own safety will get him killed quickly. That is something I will not accept, or allow. I won't let him get himself killed just because he has noble delusions of protecting everyone. His life is worth more than mine, and everyone else's by a long shot as far as I'm concerned. I won't let him throw it away so easily, even if I have to stomp on every one of his dreams again, and again, and again until it sinks in that it's just not possible to save everyone and sometimes, your own life takes prescedence over someone else's.

Looking down at him, his fingers have stopped their anxious curling, but his entire body is now trembling. His eyes are squinted in concentration, looking as if he's struggling to not burst into tears. Oh, Ashera, what did I do now?

"I..." He starts, before his head drops and so do his shoulders, looking defeated.

"I know that. But still I...I want you to be proud of me, that's all..." He answers in that small voice again, his voice tinged with shame.

...Hell.

Something inside of me breaks at hearing that vulnerability in his voice. Maybe I was wrong... He still has that innocence to him, that still-fragility buried inside of him. He does a hell of a job at hiding it, but... Here and now, as I stare down at him and take in his stance and the body language behind it, I can understand now.

He hides his insecurities by acting grown up and mature. He's pushed himself so far to gain approval. It's an entirely childish reason, but, that knowledge grants me some relief. His moment of weakness, is my moment of resolve. I haven't destroyed his innocence, just gave him a shell to mask it. I can deal with this.

...My approval, huh?

Heh, I suppose just this once. Even though I know I'm lying to myself. Once will give leeway to another, and another. But it's a cycle and contradiction to my normal that I've acknowledged and almost accepted.

He is the sole exception to everything.

I reach out and set my hand ontop of his head, drawing his eyes towards me again.

"Kid," I say, giving him a mild look before I push a grin onto my face as I ruffle his hair.

"You don't need my, or anyone's approval to be as good as you are. As for being proud..."

I step around him, tossing the bag that has my stuff in it towards the end of the bed before making my way to the door, grabbing my gear along the way. I look back at him from the doorway, seeing that he's looking at me expectantly, his eyes can't hide the glimmer of light in them. My grin turns to an actual smile.

"You up for a contest?"

The bright, innocent light that he has fills his eyes completely as he breaks out into a broad, radiant smile before he begins nodding fervently and with a loud yell of 'Yeah!' all but speeds out of the room past me towards his own to get his own gear. I watch him run off with an amused look before heading out towards our training spot to wait for him.

I think he knows what I meant.

I don't think I can ever find it with words to say how much I am proud of how far he's come, because I myself am conflicted with the choice I made in teaching him, but I think I made the answer quite obvious.

I have never, and will never, deign to engage wholeheartedly in competition or contest as far as Archery is concerned unless it comes to him. After all, he is my exception. I may hate the fact that he is slowly losing the childish qualities that make up who he is now, but the still hidden ones that are slowly poking up and peeking through though as he matures and grows are enough to give me a reason to make sure I guide him right.

As his teacher, I have to stay at the top of my game and be an inconquerable mountain to scale and surpass. I can't make this easy for him, and I'm sure he wouldn't want me to. I know the road ahead that this leads to will probably cause me a hell of a lot of grief, headaches, and major annoyance, but...

I'm going to make it worth it. He's shown so much promise already, just a little more pushing and I know he's going to be a hell of a Sniper.

I've come this far in teaching him, I have to see this through to its inevitable conclusion. Regardless of how I feel about this, if this is what he wants and it makes him happy, then...

...Heh.

Look out, Tellius.

Soon, you're gonna see the greatest Sniper yet.

But until then, you get to handle yours truly.

Deal with it.

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Ahahaha. |D I don't know, seriously. I know I was all over the place at times, but it all kind of ties together when you look at the whole of it rather than in segments. Or maybe that's just the way I see it.

Because we all know my vision and views are uber skewed and distorted so I'm not exactly the best person to look to for clarity. |D

Still, I think I gave Shinon his typical snark as well as show his conflicted, emotional sides as well as some of the mechanisms for what makes him tick. He is human, after all.

A serious douchebag, yeah, but still human. xD

So, uh...yeah? Let me know what you think. If you like it, yay. If you don't just kindly say you disagree. If you give me your reasons, I'll take it open-mindedly as long as you don't outright bitchrant at me or bash and be rude. I'm not good at handling critisism, and I won't guarantee I won't laugh at you if you do be rude about it. |D Anyway, that's all. See you next fic I decide to spew out.