|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
 Posted: Sun Dec 15, 2013 1:34 pm
WHO: Cesc, Shepard & Vivi (Atmadja), Alex & Zul (Chrystali)
WHEN: Mid-morning
WHERE: Lab 305
WEATHER: Warm, but as July days tend to be, it promises to be hot.
That stag. If she didn't love him so much, she would have had more than half a mind to give him a what-for and a stern lecture. The truth of it was, Alex knew Cesc was perfectly capable of taking care of himself and could be spared the chiding - the problem was that he needed the help and that alone rattled her.
She sat on the couches in the front lobby, her cast-clad foot propped up on the table with magazines and crutches near by. Her eyes were dimmer than usual, distant with her thoughts and inner musings, idly biting the inside of her bottom lip while she mulled over what could possibly be upsetting the stalwart stag. Alex was lost in her own speculation and distant throb of pain from her ankle, only vaguely aware of the other presence in the room that was as agitated as she was but was keeping himself more composed about it.
Indeed, the demon was the image of patience and serenity, but they both knew his visual ticks were in full effect: the slight twitch of his fingers against his crossed arms, the flex of his jaw as his teeth clenched, and most telling, the way his central horn had a more molten quality about it, harmless embers flecked in the air about him. Zul wasn't sure who was taking the entire situation worse: she, who was taken against her will while fully willing to risk life and limb, or he, who had a sort of survivor's guilt, knowing he could have - and should have - done more. Neither of them had any idea what they were up against at the point Zul made the decision for both of them in the jungle - it had mostly been harmless, the only casualty being Alex's pride - but it seemed they were the lucky ones of the groups.
Both of them had wondered if it hadn't been the presence of a demon that had kept the worst of it at bay.
Alex, rife with memories of the wretched place and her own guilt of being useless, waited on the couch as she was, every muscle taut and her ears straining to hear the doors whisk open. And for Zul's part, he simply floated in the middle of the lobby, all bold colors and dark demeanor in the pale wash of his surroundings, willing whatever good forces that existed that Cesc's condition was not as bad as his dark thoughts whispered to him.
|
 |
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
Posted: Sun Dec 15, 2013 2:15 pm
It had all been a bad idea.
It was a thought that wouldn't leave Shepard alone, that replayed through his head over and over since before Cesc had even left for the jungle. Shepard himself had been ill with a mid-summer flu, and Vivi could not have left the bakery wholly unattended for days -- and so they had trusted in the Lab staff, in Cesc's competence, and let him leave.
Not that it would have made a difference. Rhedefre would have gone if he'd have had to sneak out in the middle of the night. And their relationship wasn't that -- it wasn't based on stubbornness and sneaking about. They'd trusted him. He'd trusted himself.
Stupidly, Shepard thought, over and over and over again, they'd trusted that there would have been survivalists, search-and-rescue professionals, people who knew what they were doing also included.
They hadn't expected to get Rhedefre back with the bottom dropped out of his eyes. With the words stuck in his throat. Easy, communicative, serene Cesc: he'd been shattered in the jungle and now ten days had passed and he still wasn't ready to tell them why. He was getting closer, certainly, every day. He was making an effort. But it was still shaky and silent, and so Vivi and Shepard had jumped at the opportunity when Cesc voiced his preference to go to the Lab to get his stitches out.
They entered as a trio. Shepard first, opening the door. He looked sleepless and unwell, a simmering anger and frustration behind the grey-green of his eyes. He didn't blame Alex, or Zeke, or anyone else. They had all been unmatched, as he himself would have been alone in a jungle. Vivi had found out from scuttlebutt that they were all in smallish groups, none of whom were attended by anything but a survival pack and a map.
What a terrible idea.
"Hey, g'morning," he said, nodding to Zul and Alex, keeping the door open with his foot as Vivi and Cesc entered behind.
Vivi followed him with Cesc, one hand on the stag's arm. She looked quiet, her aura dimmed, her dark eyes somber despite the encouraging smile she wore like a jewel on her lips. She smiled sweetly, gratefully, at Zul and Alex as she entered. There was no anger in her face, only a sympathy and sadness as she noted Alex's crutches and cast.
"My darling," she cooed as a salutation, walking slowly with her frei. "Do not tell me the jungle claimed you as well!"
Beside her, Rhedefre was nearly unrecognizable. He wore a black ballcap from which his half-naked antlers and torn ears rose, the velvet stripped from his rack in odd locations. His hair was cropped awkwardly, jutting out in angles from beneath the cap, and his face was unshaven and stubbled. There was a grim determination in his jaw, his lips and cheeks crisscrossed with shallow, healing scars. The gash on his temple was exposed, the line of healing stitches open to view.
He wore a black tee and had a grey hoodie folded over one arm, the healing green-and-purple of the bruises that laced his arms in stark contrast to the few patches of unblemished tan on his forearms. There was another, smaller line of stitches on one bicep, and overall he seemed well taken care of, despite the mess of injuries about him. But there was a darkness in the hollow of his eyes, and the calmness of his gaze held a strange and unwell quality to it. He lowered his eyes as he saw Zul and Alex, and his jaw tightened. He drew in a breath, as though mustering courage, and said, lowly: "I am sorry to see you hurt, Alex. I hope this isn't an imposition."
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
Posted: Tue Dec 17, 2013 10:46 pm
"Shepard," the demon murmured in greeting.
Zul's voice snapped Alex out of her reverie, prompting her to swing her bad leg around out of habit, jarring it against the couch. She did little more than clench her jaw as she seized one of the crutches, pushing herself onto her good leg with stubborn practice and catching herself on the padded wedge of the crutch. "Shep," she also greeted the Aussie, her voice considerably more quiet in the lobby.
Glancing to Alex briefly to make sure she wasn't going to fall, he looked back to the entrance. His expression displayed all the feeling of his heart falling into his stomach: the upward draw of his brows, the pinpoint constriction of his pupils, the parting of his lips that spoke of utter dismay. Uncrossing his arms, he crossed the lobby foyer to meet Vivi and Cesc, feeling a swelling sense of urgency to touch the stag, to know he was there and okay. He was not without his manners, however, no matter how upset he was, touching Vivi's hair and kissing her cheek in somber greeting. The demon then turned the full brunt of his attention on the Frei, wrapping his arms around Cesc's shoulders with the utmost delicate touch, not wanting to hurt what he could see -- and what he couldn't. He didn't give the other much of a choice as he all but cradled Cesc's face into his bare shoulder, one hand gently tracing his fingers over the back of the ball cap where his hair used to be. "Cesc." He didn't mean anything for saying the name, just acknowledging he was there, that something was wrong, and he wasn't going anywhere.
"The only thing to claim me was a certain demon," Alex spoke as her ward bodily embraced the stag, her voice slightly bitter. "I'm fine. I have a new network of scars thanks to being a conduit to lightning and a cracked rib or two but I'll survive."
Zul growled. It wasn't just a thread in his voice, but a full chest-rumbling growl of a feral animal issuing a warning. Blue eyes took on an icy glow as he glowered over his shoulder, unmoving from Cesc. "That idiot would have had you all give your lives for his recklessness. He can't have you. I wont allow it."
The woman scowled abruptly. "Not in front of -- "
"Yes, in front of family." His voice was as cold as his eyes, his temper as hot as the opposite side of his essence. Zul's brows lowered over his unblinking stare, his anger reminding her forcefully that there was a demon in his make up. "If I'd been with anyone else -- I'd have done the same thing."
Alex pursed her lips, slow in her approach of the four, but it was mostly due to her half dragging her leg than hesitation. "We had no idea how bad things were. Our group -- I was the worst casualty. Zul flew me out of the jungle when I was unconscious, all the way back home. He's still on edge from exhausting himself." She cast him a sharp glance to drop the subject for the moment - they were here for Cesc, not their argument - and finally stopped a fair distance from the group, leaning heavily on the crutch.
"Now, then; I would do my job in this and...try not to let my feelings cloud my judgement." She smiled in a tight, apologetic way that said she knew she was going to fail at the endeavor, but she'd try. "What can I do for you? All of you." Alex had to tend to Cesc first, of course, but if Shep or Vivi wanted to talk -- to vent, to get more information, she would of course give all she could. They deserved that much.
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
Posted: Fri Dec 20, 2013 6:53 pm
As Zul uncovered more of his anger, Shepard could not help but do the same, the thin veil of calm falling away from his eyes. He nodded as Zul spoke, and lifted his arms in a helpless, frustrated gesture. "-- exactly. ********' exactly! What was he thinking, asking civilians out there? Look, just cause the Raevans have powers doesn't make them invincible, and I know you're capable as hell, Alex, and you, too, Zul, but you're not invincible either and I just -- I don't understand."
He bit off the end of the word angrily, scrubbing both his hands through his hair. The anger from both of the men stirred something in Vivi's eyes -- a sympathetic anger of her own, perhaps -- but she quieted it as she remained with one hand on Cesc's arm. She merely shook her head and kissed Zul's shoulder, murmuring a quiet word of gratitude into the skin. She went from there to Alex's side.
"We all agree that things were not organized as they should have been, that much I know," she said, rubbing Alex's shoulder gently and offering her a small smile. Standing on tiptoes, she kissed the top of the woman's head. "We none of us would have had anyone come home in these ways! Oh, I do hate it. I would have -- wanted to burn that place!"
Cesc, for his part, was quiet. When Zul folded him into an embrace, the color went from his face, and his shoulders stiffened. He leaned against the demon uncomfortably, his brows knit, and a strange look of guilt seized his expression. Everyone's words swam around him, and it was only after some time that Cesc swallowed and allowed his eyes to flutter closed and his body to relax for a brief moment against the demon.
His friend, his trusted friend.
If Zul had been in his team...
Surely Zul would never have allowed the hunter...
He opened his eyes again, looking down at the floor. The words were sunk deep in him, but they were trying to dislodge, trying to float to the surface.
They all looked so upset. So worried.
"I -- I'm sorry," he said, nearly a whisper. "Is there any way you could take out these stitches? I think it's past time."
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
Posted: Mon Dec 23, 2013 12:54 pm
"He wasn't thinking!" Zul was quick to agree with Shepard, feeling overly protective of the Frei that he held, his arms a barrier against the world. His voice still lingered at a low, rolling octave. "I've not the age nor experience to my credit as humans, but even I would know better. The objects of that man's affections are of danger and selfish interest. Artifacts that should not be bound into our forms." He knew well that could verge dangerously on the question of his own conception, but he did not care. Even as a demon, he had more a sense of worth of those around him than the warlock.
Alex sighed softly, bowing her head at Vivi's gentle touch, the kiss earning a sweet shiver. She looked at the woman with sad green eyes before wrapping her good arm around her, briefly pressing her face against Vivi's neck and shoulder. The woman always smelled incredible, and while it wasn't quite the scent of home, it was the scent of comfort and delicious memories. Alex took the stolen seconds to steel herself before easing up on her hold and leaning against her crutch. Smiling tightly, she offered, "Zul tried to burn it, if it's of any comfort. When I was...the one under the Eye's influence." Her eyes flickered to Shepard, her grip on her crutch white-knuckled in an attempt to not run to him. She wasn't entirely sure she could keep her opinions 'professional' when all she wanted to do was hold these two and forget the world for a spell.
"My only comfort is that neither of you were there. And right now, I need to see to those stitches." Alex nodded to Cesc in acknowledgement, using her free hand to motion towards her office, the first door on the left in the hallway.
The demon didn't move immediately, though he shifted his embrace to be around the lower part of the stag's body, a more proper hug. Gently rubbing his back, he bowed his tri-horned head and murmured in a soft voice despite the sharpness of his words, "I wish I'd been there for you, Cesc. I would have razed the entire jungle had I known..."
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
Posted: Tue Dec 24, 2013 8:12 pm
"When you were -- oh!" Vivi half-repeated Alex's words before realization hit her and the color went splashing from her face. She put a hand over her mouth and then ghosted it over Alex's shoulder and arm, squeezing her gently. She knew little of what transpired in the jungle, save what she could garner from Cesc's few words and what she managed to get from Zeke. But she knew that Bad Things had happened courtesy of the Eye, and knowing so little, she distanced her imagination as much as she could from it. She could not bear the thought of what they all must have seen.
Shepard's jaw clicked as Alex spoke, and the anger flared up in his eyes again. He made the quick journey to Alex's side and wordlessly hugged her, pulling her close in a bear hug and then releasing her, a motion purely because he could not resist it any longer. He said nothing, but the expression on his face spoke plenty for him.
It would be a long while before Shepard was very fond of Jeremy, or Doctor Kyou, again. They had given him much but nearly cost him the same.
Cesc pulled gently away from Zul as he spoke, his face becoming drawn as the demon's words hit him. There was a sudden and terrible sadness that passed through his expression, the gold in his eyes dimmed to the color of wheat. He could only shake his head, his mouth a line.
He had to speak. He had to tell them. Alex and Zul. They had done their best for everyone else. Zul -- he had been the smartest, taking them out before...
... before...
Shepard moved with Cesc toward where he knew the examination rooms were, but the stag stopped suddenly, his eyes ticking upward to the Australian only briefly and then back to the floor.
"I'm sorry --" he said, quiet and guilty. The words came out choppily, uncertainly. "Can you -- and Vivi -- would you -- please stay ... here?"
Shepard's jaw loosened. His eyebrows rose and he blinked, freezing in his spot. He looked back toward Vivi, whose white face went paler.
"Rhede," Shepard said, steady. "You don't have to spare us anything."
The stag rubbed a thumb into the heel of his opposite hand, looking down at his fingers, his face reddening. His torn ears flicked, uncomfortable.
"I'm not -- sparing you..." he said, his shoulders tight and stiff. He looked up, full of discomfort and embarrassment, feeling very young.
Shepard held up his hands. "If you need us..."
"It is alright." Vivi spoke up. Pink returned to her cheeks, and she sat down in one of the chairs prettily, crossing her legs. She bent her lips into a smile, although her eyes were still alarmed. "Of course we will be here until you say otherwise, of course!"
A look of relief crossed Cesc's face. His shoulders dropped, and he nodded. Swallowing, he made his way into the privacy of the next room, hoping Zul and Alex would join him without insisting on his guardians' presence.
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
Posted: Mon Jan 13, 2014 9:47 am
Alex gave Vivi only the most delicate of smiles as the woman visibly turned over the words, stifling a soft sound of surprise as she was abruptly taken into Shep's arms. For a moment, she clutched him with her one arm, eyes closed, breathing in his familiar scent of leather and musk before she too let him go. She didn't want to, but she had a job to do; Cesc was her priority. Her own issues could wait.
Her expression, however, mirrored that of the other two when Cesc requested their absence. She looked between them all as they spoke, feeling her heart seize painfully in her chest; if Zul had said that to her, she was afraid she would certainly tear up, if not cry outright. Her sympathies went out to the two she loved so dearly, casting them both a reassuring glance with a touch of a smile. She was sorry it had to be this way, but she'd take care of him -- not just because it was her job, but because he was family. Tucking her crutch back under her arm, she limped her way after him, glancing to the two humans who could not follow. "It wont take long," she promised softly, following him into the room.
Once within, Alex looked at Cesc with a heavy sort of sadness in her green eyes, doing much as her ward had and moving over to him, pulling him into her arms in an embrace, her crutch resting harmlessly on the hospital-style bed. She softly kissed his temple, eyes closing; he was less, somehow, and it seemed even the scent of the jungle yet clung to him. It scared her. "I'm glad to see you," she murmured softly, holding onto him a bit longer than was polite before pulling back enough to look at his face, gently cupping his cheek.
Zul had remained where he was as Cesc pulled back, giving the stag his space, watching the exchange with an unusual silence. When the two were out of sight, he turned and floated to the remaining Guardians, looking at Shep for a long moment before 'kneeling' and taking Vivi's hands. "He'll be okay," he promised. "It will just take time. He's a strong heart." His thoughts lingered on the Muse, how she'd reacted to him after Roux; he thought of Rivener, the Scorpion broken when he came home and in tears; by all accounts, the stag would outlast them all. Lifting the hands he held, he pressed a kiss to her knuckles before he righted himself, letting her fingers slide from his and once more nodding to Shepard. He floated out of the waiting room and into his woman's office, quietly closing the door in his wake.
Alex smiled faintly before she let Cesc go, motioning for him to 'sit' wherever he wanted: the bed, the chairs in the room, the couch, hell, her computer chair if he wanted. She wanted him comfortable, and it was just stitches that she had to tend to physically. Whatever reason he asked them in there privately...she felt would need some space. "When you're ready, we'll get those stitches out and rid of those bruises if you want."
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
Posted: Sat Jan 25, 2014 11:53 pm
For the briefest moment, tears shone unshed in Vivi's eyes, blurring the sharpness of the anxiety her gaze held. She blinked, once, twice, and the tears, the sadness, and the fear all went with Zul's words. There was little she could do but nod and press her lips into a tight, mirthless smile. I know, her expression said, and she pressed one hand to the side of the demon's face after he kissed it, her thumb stroking over his cheekbone in thanks. She did not speak. If she did, she worried the tears might fall.
Shepard, beside her, slowly sank into a chair, his face drawn, his palms together in his lap. He seemed like a man in a dream, or just woken, his movements slow and his gaze uncomprehending.
As Zul left, they sat together there, side by side, pale and distant.
Slowly, Vivi slipped her hand into Shepard's.
The door closed.
Rhedefre floated to the examining bed, positioning himself there to sit. He drew in a breath, steeling himself, and then Alex drew him close. For no real reason, the gesture surprised him, and he made a strange, audible exhalation. He stiffened, but the startled reaction was brief -- his muscles relaxed and put his chin on his friend's shoulder, his hand limply over her upper arm. He closed his eyes and breathed her momentarily, trying to calm his anxiety. Dread churned within him.
this could be the last time
Cesc opened his eyes as the door closed. He straightened, and looked from Zul to Alex with an expression of exhausted resignation, a sort of grim dignity around his eyes and in the set of his jaw. He looked down at his hands and then back up again.
"You may not want..." he started, his voice brittle. "... you may not want to in a moment, really."
There was a long moment of pause. For a while, it seemed as though the stag may not continue at all, and indeed Rhedefre waited until Alex was close by, with the medical instruments on a tray, until he spoke again. His voice was a little stronger, but the strength in it was wholly made of despair.
"I'm sorry," he said. "I do not want to, but I have to tell you. But you have to believe, before anything else -- you have to believe that I am sorry."
Cesc drew his eyes up, first to Alex and then to Zul, to make it clear he was addressing them both. Guilt etched its way into his face, making him older.
"I went into the jungle with Zeke and Iorek and Anastacia, you may know," he started. "I should have told you all before it started that I -- have -- a ---"
Cesc cleared his throat, his brows knitting. He swallowed roughly, trying to gather both strength and words, and for a moment it seemed that it physically pained him to speak. "A-a power. To find the lost." He dropped his eyes, coloring with an angry sort of shame, and then forced himself to look back up, his eyes hard and desperate and terrible in their sadness. "I didn't -- it isn't perfect -- I thought it best not to get anyone's hopes up if it didn't work, I have not had great s-success --" He bit the word off, shaking his head. "I should have said something. I didn't."
"I went into the jungle -- I let you all go -- without knowing that I could have helped more. And I thought Zeke and Iorek and Anya would be alright -- all of us together, I thought we would be well." Rhedefre continued. He pressed the thumb of one hand into the heel of the other, his brows heavy over his eyes. "But my -- my power -- it caught Kyou's scent but --" He shook his head. "It caught the attention of another, a man, a h---"
His voice broke. He closed his eyes, pressing his fingers into them, drawing in a hard breath.
"A hunter," he whispered, low and pained.
"He tailed us into the darkness our first night and we weren't prepared, he blinded Zeke with something and poured it onto Anya -- he set fire to our tents and Zeke, he was v-vomiting and Anya -- writhing -- in such pain --- and he trapped Iorek and tried to drown him." The words came out in a spill. Rhedefre let his hands down, and his eyes were dry but full of fear and unhappiness. He curled his fingers into the hospital-style blanket that sat at the edge of the chair, holding it as though it were a life-preserver, as thought it could give him strength. "He -- I don't know why, then he left us, and we managed to pull through. And, forgive me, I saw Kyou's camp and it sparked my power and I thought -- I don't know why -- I thought we were close and that we could continue. I should have turned us back, Zeke was weak and Iorek was -- he was not himself, he was not in control of himself, and Anya, she was in such horrible fear. But I didn't understand..."
He drew his eyes upward, to his companions', ticking from one to the other. "He came back, and I told Zeke and Iorek to run. I didn't understand, it was me. It was me, and I tried to get Anya to run and he shot at me and -- and it hit her. It hit her. And she lost herself, do you realize, she lost herself completely. She flew into rage, and went after him, and then -- then Iorek, too, he lost his mind and they all went and I..."
The stag stopped, swallowing again. A silence filled the room as he looked at Zul and then at Alex. He said it, simply, flatly. "I left them."
By now, his face was so pale his hair looked garish against it, and his eyes shown a dim light from his face that seemed feverish. His voice was small, and it tried to hide the anger that simmered behind it. "I thought, maybe, if I could just find the doctor..." He shook his head. "I don't know. I don't know anymore. But he went after me, and then I realized what he'd wanted. And I did find Dr. Kyou, I -- and -- you have to believe me -- I thought if I fired the flare it would bring good. That it would bring help. God, I believed it. I believed it. It's no excuse, but I did. I left them and then I fired that godawful ******** flare, I'm so sorry, and it brought everyone to the Eye -- I didn't know it would bring everyone there -- I didn't."
The stag drew one hand through his hair; strands of it were beginning to mat onto his forehead with nervous sweat, and he swallowed again, forcing himself to go on. He felt ill, he felt frightened, and he felt that this was the end, that soon Zul's and Alex's gazes would turn cold to him, that he would be sent out, that they would know his cowardice and his idiocy and his weakness and oh, oh, he didn't want it, he didn't want that.
"They came, you know, Melisande, and Eiry, Rivener, Lulù, Zeke, even Anya in her rage and Iorek in his, and they were all messes, all injured, all unprepared. I was there an hour. I -- I knew what it could do. I saw what it ... birthed, and I knew it. But they, they just arrived, they didn't see -- they wanted to fight and I couldn't --" Rhedefre shook his head roughly. "Rivener, he looked at it and he -- I have never felt grief so explosive, so painful, and Melisande, she wanted to sacrifice herself to it, and Anya looked into it and went mad with terror and pain, I don't know. Melisande, she broke her wing somehow, I did not see -- Cruz, the crocodile Raevan, he shattered there, he was so unwell. Iorek, Lazarus -- all of them."
Rhedefre's shoulders slumped. His eyes were red, and wet. He could not draw them off the floor.
"I'm sorry. I know how little that means. But I didn't think."
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
Posted: Wed Feb 05, 2014 10:00 am
Surprise immediately riddled Alex's features, and without looking back, she could feel Zul's equal discontent at the stag's first words. As she was laying out the instruments, she said quietly, "Cesc, I would help you no matter what. Not because it's my job, but because I choose to." She had to say it, even if it wasn't welcome yet. When she was ready, it seemed he was too, and with Zul floating to the opposite side, the two looked to the fragment of dawn, and listened.
Despite her wishes, she kept herself from holding Cesc's hand, sensing his need for space.
Zul did the same, but more because he sensed the stag was punishing himself. He empathized in a way that he could not explain and that even his woman did not know.
While Cesc struggled with his tale, while he sat there and sweat and broke his heart there in front of them, Alex's eyes welled with tears, one hand covering her mouth to stifle any protests or hitched sobs, trying not to interrupt. Her heart bled for him, but she let him speak uninterrupted, going against every fibre in her being to hold him and reassure him. He needed this -- and she needed to respect him and listen.
Zul was stoic, unmoving, unblinking. He took in everything - the pain in the words included - and held it as his own.
When the last word fell, both of them moved.
The demon was faster, less addled by his pain and more the type to act on it, wrapping his arms around Cesc, this time not letting the stag pull away. He cradled the other's head to his chest, one hand gently resting against the nape of his neck, the other arm wrapped around his shoulders. Alex joined in thereafter, wrapping her arms beneath Cesc's wings in support and resting her cheek against his sheered hair. Zul wrapped them both in his wings, completing the cocoon.
"Cesc," Alex broke the silence in a soft sort of wonder, "there is no way in this life or the next that I would allow the burden of finding Kyou to rest squarely on your shoulders. Powers or not, we didn't know what we were up against -- if things would be warped, skewed -- we had no idea. We couldn't have possibly put you in that position, anymore than we could have relied on Lazarus' fire to aim true or Zul to be immune to the effects of the night."
"It wasn't your fault." Zul picked up where Alex began to falter, having no problem reaffirming what was obvious knowledge to him. "Not your power, not the hunter. We ran into a dead deer, infested by spiders. Lex ran -- but it wasn't her fault the fear gripped her, it was the Eye. When blood coated Eirdirsceol, even he did not want to stop when he had his sensibilities to him. And dear Doe, weakened by the thunderstorm -- she kept pressing forward. Rhedefre, there is nothing you could have done to stop them, even if the best thing to do was turn back. Even if loyalty didn't move them, the fear and anger would have." He glanced to Alex, who was unmoving, knowing this was a sore spot for her. "I didn't give them a choice when we left. Lex hasn't forgiven me for it. And knowing what you've been through..."
Alex felt sick to her stomach. She understood both points of view -- wanting to go, wanting to stay -- but she herself had been helpless. "If I hadn't been struck down," she said softly, "I, too, would have pressed forward. Hurt, afraid, in the company of those who needed to go home more than the teams needed us...I still would have done all I could to find Kyou. Even if they left, I...would not have." The woman fell silent again. She and Cesc were of the same mind, even if she was at a severe disadvantage by comparison. What would the madness have done to her? ...to Zul?
Zul wondered the same, but he didn't voice it, instead stating softly, "I left all of you."
The woman lifted her head at that, frowning. "Zul, you--"
"I left. I left Kyou to die, I left the rest of you at the mercy of the Eye. If I could take it back, I don't know that I would." His blue eyes turned to Alex's somber greens. "I had to save her, because I knew she would die for this. I didn't know the extent of everyone else's resolve, but mine was selfish. Your decision was altruistic at the worst, Cesc. You put yourself in danger for the safety of everyone involved. Just because you believed in the best outcome does not mean you did wrong by acting in that hope."
A soft sigh from the Italian stirred the stag's sweaty hair. "Cesc, you did what you had to for Kyou's safety -- for everyone's peace of mind. No one, not a one would blame you for acting as you did. I would have done the same -- Zul, too. If you are bad or to be hated for such hope, then so too are we." She gently kissed his damp crown. "Can you imagine if another group had found Kyou first, if perhaps they thought they could do something and hadn't fired the flare? Or what would have happened if you hadn't found him and they all lingered in the jungle, searching longer than they already had? Madness may have been permanent. Many may have died..." She swallowed hard at that. Alex never would have forgiven herself if anyone of them had fallen. Pushing that aside, she continued, "Everyone fought and struggled of their own free will, Cesc. They fought for what they believed in, and even if it wasn't you that had pulled the trigger, their reaction would have been the same. I know you're upset and feel you are to blame, but my dear heart -- you cannot take their morals from them. If they chose to push forward, to fight, to stand when they should have turned back -- you cannot take that from them. Their efforts to do what they believed was right is not your cross to bear."
"You did not know what the Eye was capable of," Zul added sternly. "If any of us had, we would have been prepared. No one could have known, except Kyou. It was his short sighted selfishness--"
"Zul."
The demon bared his teeth, but got his thought process back on track. "You weren't here for the fel virus, but it was a similar issue. Did you know that I am largely responsible for its outbreak? It was I who interacted with Rivener and Eirdirsceol, and they who infected the majority of the Raevans." Zul exhaled slowly through his nose, glancing towards Alex's arms. They were hidden around Cesc, but he still remembered the grafts and bandages she had to wear for months after the event. "I tried to kill Lex. One of the Raevans I had infected almost died -- another did perish when I touched them. I was mad with sickness. To this day, she'll tell you it's not my fault, but it's a guilt I still bear. I'm not expecting anything we say right now to assuage what you're feeling or make it better, but I -- we both want you to know that what happened was beyond your control, beyond anything any of us could have done to make it even marginally better." The fingers against Cesc's neck gently rubbed against the lowest part of the pink hair. "It's not your fault. It was never your responsibility."
"He's right." Alex loosened her grip a little, mostly with intent to still help Cesc with those stitches and bruises. She didn't know how long the stag would want to remain after airing out all his hurt like that. "I admire what you did; it's more than I could have done. But above all, it wasn't your fault, and was not your responsibility," she repeated Zul's words, "and I love you no less for it. If anything, I love you even more. You're one of the strongest beings I've ever met."
"And I." Zul's embrace also loosened, but he did not release the stag, gazing upon the held Frei with fondness. He hurt for Cesc, but he was proud: the stag had communicated in a way none other could, been open and true, even had a sense of responsibility and obligation outside his sense of self. The demon would not allow the stag to bear the burden alone.
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
Posted: Thu Feb 20, 2014 9:39 pm
For a long moment, Cesc did not move, staying still in the joint embrace of Alex and Zul, his eyes unfocused as tears began to fill them. His hands were wrapped one in another and his shoulders were tight, but he allowed himself to be hugged and that -- that was difficulty enough. There was no sound, no sob, no ragged breath as the tears began to flow. He simply allowed the tears to fall as they approached, and it felt strangely triumphant. He could cry.
Rhedefre wanted to argue. He wanted to push the two aside and make them understand, he could have killed everyone. He understood what they said, intellectually, he truly did. But why then did he carry such guilt? It could not be for nothing. Something, something had to be missing. Shouldn't they hate him? Shouldn't they, at the very least, resent his terrible weakness?
As Zul spoke, Cesc unbent. He was being too inward-focusing. Too selfish in his pain. He had not been the only one in that jungle, and was not the only one suffering for what had transpired within.
And Zul...
He'd heard of the fel virus, in some roundabout ways, without truly understanding what it was or what havoc it had wreaked. But Vivi told him that Anya had been born of it, so Cesc had always held a curiosity about it that he knew would be impolite to indulge. Now, though, seeing the traces of Zul's old pain in his mention of it, killed all curiosity.
His eyes dried, but were ringed with red. He did not wipe his face.
"I ..." he began, but did not know how to continue. He looked raw and ragged and bare, but there was deep gratitude in his eyes. Cesc shook his head, and reached out one hand to each of them, returning the embrace.
"I am sorry either of you have ever suffered," he said, his voice breaking. "I cannot believe you have ever deserved it."
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
Posted: Wed Feb 26, 2014 8:57 am
"The same is said for you," Alex responded softly as she indulged in the returned embrace, kissing the stag's temple. "You are a light in our lives and if I could take away all your pain and sadness, Cesc, I would. I would bear it for your happiness to come back."
The demon gave his woman a look, but he didn't voice what his eyes said: you can't. Instead, Zul gently kissed Cesc's ear, nuzzling against the slick pink locks, unfettered by the scent of the other's fear and discontent - perhaps quite the opposite, driven to be closer by it. "We love you, Rhedefre. All of you -- and we're here for you." The Sigel lidded his eyes and simply held on to the Frei, gathering the faded stag more so into his embrace when Alex finally relinquished her hold. He floated in a way that he was slightly tilted back, as though he was urging Cesc to rest for just a moment more. Even the demon knew that Cesc would have to leave the room and return to life and all the difficulties he'd have to face by himself. He didn't like the idea, but he understood.
Retrieving the scissors and tweezers to remove Cesc's stitches, Alex waited for the stag's permission, watching the two with no small amount of pain in her chest. This was the worst thing for her, personally: be helpless. It was obvious to her that he was suffering from PTSD, but she wasn't going to say it out loud. They had to take baby steps, to let him know first that he was loved and not damned for what he felt and what he did. Her smile was soft, a touch sad and distant, not wanting to interrupt the possessive demon or the stag if he needed his moment.
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
Posted: Wed Feb 26, 2014 9:54 am
It was tenderness over a raw wound. Cesc's eyes were full and his jaw was tight enough that his teeth hurt. His eyes were sore, through his orbital bone and deep into his skull. His entire face felt achy, like he'd slept on a rock. His throat was too tight to speak. He nodded, and a tear fell, and he wrapped his hands together. It was his only way to show the truth of his gratitude.
He was silent a little while after, only nodding to Alex to allow her to begin taking out his stitches. He sat motionless and allowed the snip-snip-snipping of her scissors to calm him. It didn't hurt, the removal -- just a little pull and tug here and there, nothing more. The color slowly returned to his face. His shoulders relaxed, if only slightly. And when Alex finished, he gathered up a smile for her.
"Thank you," he said, and while his voice was tight, it was not as pinched and broken as before. He paused, there on the table, for a moment longer.
"Was... was Rivener here?" Cesc asked, apprehensive. "Do you know if he is well?"
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
Posted: Wed Feb 26, 2014 10:06 am
She was deft and quick, but not enough to cause issue. Alex knew he wouldn't want to linger, and she needed to reassure her precious two waiting outside...in her own way. Cesc's smile gave her heart, however, even if it was with effort. It was a start. Every journey started with a step; Cesc had many yet to take. "You're welcome," she replied warmly. "Your healing is good, but I'm going to help a little more."
As Alex withdrew an oblong crystal from her pocket, Zul picked up the dialog. "We live together -- he looked like hell but he'll be fine, now." The demon smiled finally, a more reassuring expression touched with a hint of knowing. He couldn't really implicate why since their relationship was often kept silent. "Melisande, too. I haven't seen anyone else though."
Soft words fell from Alex's lips while her ward talked, the exact things said lost under his rolling voice. It was all she needed, however: as she withdrew her hands from Cesc, crystal against her palm, his darkest bruises had lightened to a mottled yellow, the less severe ones gone complete. "From my understanding, the doctors at the hospital were able to treat what wounds were sustained and none were overly serious. I tended Melisande myself, so I can confirm she'll be okay. She's in good hands." She glanced only briefly to Zul. "And unless you need some more time, Cesc...you're good to go."
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
Posted: Wed Feb 26, 2014 10:32 am
Cesc visibly relaxed at Zul and Alex's reassurance. He'd worried for Rivener, who seemed near to losing his mind when the stag had tackled him, and he worried for any damage his antlers may have caused. But the Scorpion was hardy, Rhedefre knew, and if he had Zul to take care of him...
"I'm very glad to hear that," said Cesc, his voice breathy and deeply relieved. He lifted his hands and touched his jawline, where some of the lighter bruises had gone completely, and feathered a touch over his neck, where Anya's bite mark had left another. He looked at Alex with a grateful sort of wonder.
"I cannot thank you both for your kindness," he said, slowly. It sounded strangely practiced, like he could not find the right words and so he had selected the ones closest to what he wanted. The throbbing in his head had receded. The wave of emotion and fear and anxiety had pulled back, and beneath it all he felt exhaustion and a shaking relief to be well and alive. To have the love of his friends, whether he could comprehend -- whether he could deserve -- it or not. Thank you for... for listening to me."
For not hating what they heard.
He rose from the table. He darted looks at Alex and Zul, and he clenched and unclenched his hands. Cesc wanted to touch them, to give them goodbye hugs, to thank them again, but it was all too much, and he did not want to weep any more than he had already. He bit his bottom lip and he nodded, his bright, earnest eyes, saying what he could not.
He knew he needed to save the strength. He would have to go through it all again with Shepard and Vivi soon enough.
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
