Helskel's Challenge <3

[Helskel]

Week I
001. New Beginnings
002. Cause/Effect
003. Peace of Mind
004. Childhood Memories
005. Speed
006. Mayhem
007. Gilding a Lily

 

[Helskel]

001. New Beginnings

A year of triumph.
A year of hell.
Another year gone.
Another chapter done.

Lives were lived,
And so many were lost.
We will never forget
How we got here.

Here is to a new year,
And a new chance.
Here is to new choices,
And new mistakes.

Tonight we begin again.
Same old s**t,
Different day.
 

[Helskel]

002. Cause/Effect

Look up.

She’s looking back.

Look away.

I know she’s there, and I know she sees me, but I can’t say anything. Instead I look at my notes, which have just become scribbles on a page. The words are jumbled and I can’t even remember what I was supposed to be studying. All that I know is that she is there, smiling as if the world hasn’t stopped. Can’t she feel it? The way the rotations of the earth’s core ceased to exist the moment our eyes met. Didn’t she feel that shift in the universe?

I look up again, and this time she isn’t looking back. She’s laughing because of something he said. It must be her new boyfriend. I’ve only seen him in pictures, but she looks happy. She deserves that much, after everything she’s been through. I try to tell myself she’s better off without me. It has become a mantra that I repeat whenever she crosses my mind. She doesn’t need me anymore.

I look away because it’s too painful; her life has gone on, but mine has spiraled downward. I can’t blame her for that. It was my decision. My choice is what lead us here, and I can’t keep playing the victim. Cause and effect; that’s what they taught us in school. Every action has an equal and opposite reaction. I chose to sleep with the wrong person, and in turn I lost the person who was my best friend. Now we’re strangers, barely noticing each other across a crowded library.

My phone buzzes in my pocket, and I flinch. I look and I see her name. She texted me? Why? She should hate me. I hate myself for what I’ve done. She offers to let me sit with them, but I decline. We can’t be friends anymore. We can’t pretend that what has happened is forgiven. I don’t deserve her forgiveness, or her kindness. I deserve the loneliness that I have brought upon myself.

The notes still haven’t regained their form, but I do notice it’s almost time for my next class. I don’t want to go. I want to stay here, near her, even though I will never have the courage to speak. Here I can pretend that things are the same and that I haven’t lost someone I considered a sister, but when I leave I won’t see her again. Instead I will go about my life, eventually finding myself in the arms of the man who was once hers. It is not something I’m proud of, but I will feed the darkness inside of me that needs to be loved, and even when he slides the blade across my heart he whispers his love to me.

I am weak. I am broken. One day I might be more, and one day I might tell her all the things my heart won’t let me now. For now though I pack up my things and walk away. I pass her on my way out, and she looks up at me. I look away because it’s too painful.

Press the button.

Look back, and see her laughing.

Smile but she doesn’t notice.

Get on the elevator with a heavy heart.

Now the world continues spinning.
 

[Helskel]

003. Peace of Mind

Here is to the drink
That saves me from the voices
Crowding in my head
Screaming
Crying
Begging for release

Here is to the drugs
That melts the world around me
Into a mesh of colors
Words
Unintelligible phrases

And here is to the world
The life I left behind
All the people that I loved
That I would happily trade away
For a little peace of mind