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 Posted: Mon Dec 02, 2013 8:23 am
It was bad. All of it, and he couldn't kid himself any longer that he was dealing with everything well. After you spent two days without sleeping cleaning a equipment room that no one used, felt your fingertips slip from overuse of cleaner, and feel the chemical burn singe knees from bending down onto pre-washed floors, you had to ask yourself, "Am I alright?"
He had talked to Rin already about getting back on his old medication from before, and while the pharmacy could bring up that information and refill his prescription, they also handed him the information for the local counselors office. While he had Rin, he knew there were things he couldn't tell her. He needed a outside source, and sadly, Rep wasn't here. In the end, he had no one there to turn to, and those that might be possible had the risk, that knowledge, that they would turn and slice his throat without complaint or hesitation.
Even though he had hated shrinks all his life, perfected how to dodge their questions with little responses that lead no where, he found himself in that desperate pit that had him wondering if he should go back. Still, admitting he had to go see a shrink, even to himself, admitted a sort of failure that he couldn't handle his own sanity and that it had been lost to him. That he hadn't been on top of his game, in control, and had created a mess of his life.
But he wasn't sure what else to do. Everything was a mess, and it was one he couldn't clean up with some sanitizer and elbow grease.
He looked at the note writing the room number and appointment date and then sighed, looking up and knocking. Maybe he should just go back to drinking in the janitor's closet.
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Posted: Mon Dec 02, 2013 8:51 am
Drinking in the janitor's closet seemed like the place to be, if Cass had been able to register an opinion. She'd practically moved into her office - more for her own sanity than anybody else's, though she'd never confess to that in particular. Her hand ached, her shoulders ached, and it was hard to not scratch all of her new scars. Easier when most were on her back.
Just the handful of visitors she'd had since the instance had made good focus for what energy she even had as of late. It had been a long time since she'd had to dive into her reserves of positivity to keep herself going and even Nicodemus had to put in some helpful direction for her. Things like 'drink water'. Food had become optional in the stress, but she did at least answer his prompting after a few mental 'soons' here and there.
She had been attempting to wipe some of the look of sheer exhaustion from her eyes when the knock came on her door. Gut reaction forced her to perk up and put on a worn smile as she rose to answer it. To be honest, she hadn't expected to see Melvin ever, but she still stood up a little bit taller and held the door open.
"Come in." No questions.
The office was cozy though the copious amount of pillows to offset the wooden chairs may have been dual purposed for Cass to use for sleep.
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Posted: Mon Dec 02, 2013 9:24 am
The appointment had not given the name of the counselor he was seeing since there was a small group of them and they threw you at whoever was available and not out on a mission. He had not expected to meet anyone he even knew in passing, as he assumed those working as a counselor would either be higher ranking and out of his scope of daily interactions, or dedicated just to this job.
When he saw Cass, he looked startled. He had only met the girl a few times, and it had been with that opinion that she was nosy. He had shrugged off her concern when he first started out at Deus, full of himself and sure of his ability to handle whatever life tossed at him. Now he was juggling and dropping every ball, leaving his hands empty. Looking back, Cass probably did fit the part of a counselor role, but seeing her now and standing here, thus admitting his desire for help, made him feel ashamed and weak.
He walked in, shutting the door behind him and looked around at the amount of pillows littering the place. It made him realize just how tired he was, but his worry went back to just how many people did sit here, and how often the pillows were washed. Even his mind wouldn't let him physically rest for a second.
Sitting down rigidly, he gave the room a once over, checked the things on Cass' desk, and then braved a glance in her direction. "I didn't know you were a counselor."
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Posted: Mon Dec 02, 2013 10:51 am
She plucked up one of the pillows that sat on her desk and tossed it onto her chair before she sat down. The desk, which looked like it was usually empty, had a few empty, but used, paper cups all stacked up in the corner with a few ice packs that needed to be frozen again. Feeling each of them, Cass chose the one that was the coldest still and wrapped her scarred hand in it.
Melvin's comment was met with a slightly less forced looking smile. "I haven't been one for more than a few months so I don't suspect anybody who hasn't needed a visit really knows," she answered gently. That was also attributable to the fact that the one time she'd mentioned it publicly someone had decided to remind her she wasn't supposed to be able to move past her faults, but she'd leave that part out.
"Speaking of visiting me, what has brought you to my office today?"
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Posted: Mon Dec 02, 2013 11:45 am
"Right." Needed a visit - needed help - needed something they couldn't just figure out on their own. He never liked the heavy implications and ties that came with seeing a shrink. Ever since he was young, he knew something was wrong when he went from being considered normal to being handled lightly, differently, when he started taking medication and seeing a shrink. He hadn't had to see one in many years, not since middle school, where he managed to get a handle on what he should and shouldn't admit to people to keep them from being worried about him. It was a great way to keep friends, even if you had to occasionally play off a sudden panic attack when going for a late-night trip to the store.
Now he was here again, and he felt like a failure for it. He somehow failed his own ability to deal with whatever life threw at him. Everyone else on this island seemed fine with how things worked, and here he was, sitting here among soft pillows talking having a session.
He wasn't sure why, but Cass' question was sudden and blindsided him, leaving him to just stare. It wasn't even remotely strange for her to ask, but for whatever reason, he hadn't really grasped the gravity of what he would have to say. He actually had to answer questions instead of dodging them like when he was younger.
He swallowed, dryly, and fixed his gloves. "Right." He had to talk. Glancing at her, he tried to gauge what he needed to say to get the help he needed without saying too much. There was no need to reveal his deeper problems that consisted with bugs and his intimate life with Rin, right? He should stick to common things. Normal hunter problems.
"Well....the thing is....you see I've been on a lot of missions. A lot back to back, and recently tricked into one too....Well, there are a lot of illusions with them and I know they're not real....I'm sure hunters fake die all the time.... I don't know how you feel about our superiors and how they think.......it's not like work hasn't been bad....but when you have the top acting like they do....and then the people around you turn......" He reached up and adjusted his goggles. "Well, you know."
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Posted: Mon Dec 02, 2013 12:34 pm
She didn't make any 'hmm' or 'I sees' as Melvin spewed out a jumble of thoughts for her to make order from. Which it did take her a second to make a small laundry list of things it seemed like he needed some advice with - some of which hit close to home, a phantom surge of pain in her hand making her clench it tightly.
"There are missions that are definitely worse than others, and no matter how good the ending is, the trauma doesn't magically go away because things had a happy ending," she said as she slowly put her thoughts in order, "we're all human first and need to take care of ourselves as such." She kind of felt like that was a no duh, but she'd had enough experiences in the last few days it seemed like some people forgot that.
"Is there something in particular that happened recently that you feel sticks out more than others that you're willing to share with me? I can't promise I have all of the answers." Because she didn't. All she had was her ventures on the island to see if she could maybe find a way to help out.
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Posted: Mon Dec 02, 2013 12:46 pm
"Uh..right." He didn't know where to start, or what would need to be addressed before all the others. What would help him sleep better tonight? What was the biggest issue from all the others?
He wasn't sure.
Adjusting his coat, he shifted in his seat. "Just....I gave up a lot for this place, right? Not many people seem to have had. No family or a s**t one at that. But to give that all away and come here, to these fake missions, and then Caelius and H. They don't care, and I know it's stupid to think that way, that our own bosses or leaders would care even a little bit...." He remembered his visit to H's office and how he was talked down to. Naive. That he was begging. That he expected to be handed what he wanted. Was he that stupid to think the way he did? "....but to be said you owe them something, like you didn't give them anything in the first place. Then to be said you are to be used. Then I come back and......" He took a sharp breath and went quiet as he remembered the face behind the glass. Oh geez. He couldn't get choked up now. How clique would that be? To get teary in a shrink's office - even if she wasn't an official one. Why was he here anyways if she wasn't even officially trained?
Who else did he have now though? Rep was locked away and could die, and Rin seemed exhausted each and every day trying to help him. It was just hard to talk to Cass. She wasn't someone he knew. Someone he grew to trust. Didn't he just learn over and over that trusting people resulted in him getting hurt?
The only person he could talk to freely was Rin and Rep.
He glanced at Cass, then looked down, and tried to imagine a certain someone in the room. It made things a little better, even if it hurt. Both Rin and Rep told him he had to say more.
"....I keep getting killed by other hunters and then I come back to see those I care about dead. Life isn't fair but........I expected it would be worth it, giving it all up." His old life. His future in that other place. What was he even fighting for if it wasn't seen as valuable? If the people around him weren't even trustworthy.
"Why help these people......?"
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Posted: Mon Dec 02, 2013 2:23 pm
To be fair, H wasn't a licensed doctor either. Proper training meant nothing to the hunters of Deus ex Machina - just like their lives as Melvin seemed to be working through. Just like she had worked through once after nearly being crushed to death.
"I can't say I gave up something to come here - in that sense I do owe something to the hunters because I haven't paid the price of a life worth having like you did," it did feel a little personal since she was one of /those/ people. "But there is something in your life that prompted you to come here, right? There is something you would have liked to protect a smaller you from?" Somewhere, Cricket sneezed. "I am about to give you really difficult suggestion: Don't worry about the higher ups unless you have to. Caelius motivates with pain and angry looks and there is no way to be his kind of Hunter unless you pull your humanity out entirely."
It was probably not the advice that Melvin would want. "The fact there is even one other hunter you check to see is alive when you come back is a reason too. You survive because of them, not the higher ups." Most of the time....
She leaned her chin into the hand she'd been favoring out of habit, only to recoil.
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Posted: Mon Dec 02, 2013 4:16 pm
He only grew frustrated with the advice he was given. While he did have someone to protect - Rin - how could he do that with their own leaders putting them in more danger and throwing the rest in pods! "How can I ignore the leaders who throw us in danger? If I want to protect someone, wouldn't I be concerned about those assholes that throw her into a fight without so much as a warning?" But what was the main issue aside from a corrupt organization.
"...and how can I even do that, protect someone - when all I do is out them in danger or get killed? I'm not a Sun. I can't even protect myself." He either died or failed. He often needed others for protection and failed terribly when he tried anything else.
He was just a Lifer who could barely get lab time and equipment with research that didn't have much progress.
"I just cause a headache and trouble for those around me. It's why no one can stand me when I'm around." If Rin could manage, he would wonder if she would be better off with a more same and less dirt-phobic boyfriend.
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Posted: Mon Dec 02, 2013 6:11 pm
Cass took the yelling in stride calmly. "I didn't say ignore them. I said don't worry about them. There are two things you can do about the things they do: let it dominate every decision you make and think about, or you can accept there are going to be things they do with only one person in mind - that being themselves - and put them on the back burner for the more important people."
It felt like she was rooting through a few problems he was feeling as she found wound up tension and pulled on it to see what spilled out of his mouth next.
"Well, what would you like to do about this inability to protect you see? Do you want to hit harder or be able to take more damage for another person? Do you want a secret weapon? It sounds like there is something you'd like to make steps towards."
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Posted: Mon Dec 02, 2013 10:50 pm
"I don't know." He sighed, leaning forward to run his hands through his curly hair. "I want to be strong, but I've never been the physical type. That's not what I'm good at. Healing people and being defensive is all well and good, but I'm not the best at it either. I wish I could just keep the higher ups from throwing everyone in more dangerous places then necessary or plotting to hurt all of us. I also wish I could keep other hunters safe from themselves." Whatever had happened to Rep, it had been on the island. It made him worry.
It was a lot of responsibility to take on, and he was pretty sure he was being unrealistic, but he just wished he could people alive. At least the very, very, very, very, very small number that he cared about and wouldn't kill him at a moment's notice. Those people seemed to be few and very far between.
"I don't know how some hunters get pumped over all of this. Each time I go out, it just gets worse, and it never seems to matter for anyone. It's just making me worse." All the stress where making his symptoms worse and making him a horrible person to be around. He could barely even touch Rin nowadays.
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Posted: Tue Dec 03, 2013 4:55 pm
Keeping hunters safe from themselves was a thought that Cass had more often than she would have liked - keeping other hunters safe from her was why she had set up this office. "Well. What would you consider a strength you have then? Life Division, right?" she glanced at his coat to check, "Technology has saved our asses more than once and is just as important as the face to face defenses. I certainly don't think any sun hunter would have done much against the Titans, for example."
Allen would have tried valiantly, of course, but still.
"Some hunters are better on the battlefield. If everybody was just a gung-ho piece of work out there I don't think we'd have much more than trainees all the time." Because everybody would be dead.
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Posted: Tue Dec 03, 2013 6:55 pm
"I was working on artifact research as applied to runic devices." He said, brushing aside the months of lab-work he had done with a wave of his hand. Before, he would have gone in extreme, giddy detail about his findings, but he just felt drained these days.
"I haven't been able to focus. I feel paranoid and worried for those around me, and I just get....worse about how I am then normal. The only people I have to talk to is Rep and Rin, and Rep is near death in a pod." He wasn't sure about the ex-Sun's future and that tore him up inside.
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Posted: Tue Dec 03, 2013 7:04 pm
When one good thing in your life was torn out from underneath you, it always felt like everything else collapsed along with it - Cass could see that happening with the young man across the desk from her.
"That actually sounds really interesting," she felt like she had to put 'actually' in there or else she'd sound like she was like 'HMMM, INTERESTINGGGGG TELL ME MOAR' in a really sterile way. "Anything you found in that which you could use in a practical application directly with what your personal battlefield-wishes are?" she paused, crinkling her nose, "Okay, I guess that came out weird. Let me try again - is there a way to take your artifact research to maybe make a psuedo artifact that would help with what your goals are?"
That still sounded really weird.
At the mention of Rin and Rep, her stomach knotted up a bit. Mostly because of Rep's situation, but also it put a lot into context for her with how hard it must have been for Melvin to be sitting there, talking to a complete stranger. "I'm sorry things have gotten to the point where you're talking to a nobody in your life."
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Posted: Tue Dec 03, 2013 11:05 pm
"If I had anything useful that wasn't just raw testing, I would be using it and kicking a** right now, now wouldn't I?" He snarked back, feeling a bit aggravated now. He knew what he was researching, he just didn't have as much heart for it anymore. He didn't come here to talk shop. His work life was fine. It was his personal life that was messing everything else. up.
As for the last part, he just sighed. "Well it's not like I can go to anyone else. I'm not exactly Mr. Popular on the island." He didn't have anyone else to confine in aside from Rep and Rin, and Rin had a lot on her plate. He wanted her to feel better about him seeing someone, and not dump all his troubles on her. Rep was - well, not here for him to talk to.
"People don't really like me. If they did, I wouldn't have been the first person to have their throat slit when Cealius decided to trick all of us to be in a room and said that the only way out was to turn on each other. Lucky me got killed first without a second thought. Not the first time it was done either."
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