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 Posted: Sat Oct 26, 2013 8:33 pm
If anyone asked, Zia would insist that the crappy little apartment she shared with Pascal was all she needed. That they kept it nice and no one really needed money to be happy and all you need is love blah blah blah.
That didn't change the fact that she thoroughly enjoyed sliding in her socks across the spacious hardwood floor of the penthouse living room, as well as all the other perks of the massive and high luxury living space her mother insisted she move into now that she had broken things off with her boyfriend and more or less cut off her relationship with her dad.
This was a positive thing. Many positive life choices had happened lately. No more deadbeat boyfriend, a work in progress with patching things up with her mom, and she had managed to make it to October without dropping out of the tentative classes she had managed to enroll in at DCU. But today she was giving herself a break on all that responsible choice making, as evidenced by the forgotten text book next to the laptop containing a half written paper.
Homework was boring, and she was waiting for Chris to come help her unpack things and repair other little things around the house and mostly just babble at him relentlessly, which was why she got up and dashed when she heard the direct elevator ding.
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Posted: Sat Oct 26, 2013 9:19 pm
Chris whistled as he stepped off the elevator with a set of coffee cups from Starbucks in his hands, and a bag over his shoulder, looking up and around at the new apartment Zia moved into. “Wow, I like it,” he said, reaching out to hand her the coffee cup before pulling her into a hug. He hadn’t seen her as often as he would like.
“This is loads better than your last place,” he said without really thinking about it, and then wondering if he should have been a bit more careful about his word choice. He didn’t know the details of what had happened between her and Pascal, and as much as Chris hadn’t liked the guy, he knew that Zia had been pretty serious about him…
Whatever had happened, he wasn’t happy about. If Zia had been hurt, then that’s what he wanted to focus on — not the fact that this boyfriend was supposedly no longer in the picture. Or maybe they would get back together and it would be Chris’s own fault for getting his hopes up.
“I brought some tools… If you need anything like lightbulbs I can just run down to the hardware store,” he offered once he moved away from her to slowly walk around and inspect the new apartment.
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Posted: Sat Oct 26, 2013 9:40 pm
"Well it's technically Caroline's place," Zia clarified and just let that awkwardly hang there. She had never gotten along very well with her mom. Well, mostly it was just Zia being annoyed and full of contempt for Caroline's constant party girl behavior and inappropriate flirting during the rare times she was around during Zia's teenage years.
Things had changed. Sort of. They still had their problems, but they were managing to actually grow up a little in how they treated each other. Still didn't make Zia feel any more comfortable talking about the woman, though.
It was clear from a thin layer of dust that it wasn't a constant or consistently lived in place, and it was mostly empty save for the large sectional sofa in the open main room in front of a mounted television, along with the few things Zia had scattered around like glasses, fast food wrappers, textbooks and the like.
"But yeah, it's pretty nice. I've been couch surfing at Chester's--" A generous phrasing since it was more like she walked into Chester's, took over, displaced him from his own bedroom, and then Chester couch surfed, "But this is kind of uh. I dunno!"
Nostalgic, maybe. Even lounging around in sweatpants, it was still obvious Zia had clearly been taking better care of herself. She wasn't as pale, and her curls had actually been professionally kept glossy and styled on Caroline's dime. Combined with school and positive relationship choices, sometimes she could convince herself things were normal and nothing earth shattering had ever really happened.
"What have you been doing everything has been so busy is this my usual?" She babbled as she picked up the coffee and followed him. "Seems like there's less syrup than normal."
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Posted: Mon Oct 28, 2013 6:55 pm
Chris made a face when Zia mentioned a name of a guy he obviously hadn’t met. Add that to the fact that she had been ‘couch surfing’?? Well… he figured he probably didn’t even want to know. It was probably better that way.
“It should be, but I didn’t taste it,” he said as he placed his own cup down on a counter as he circled around to inspect the kitchen. His coffee of choice had always been black with some sugar, so the very idea of syrups and the like just… didn’t appeal to him.
“Jeez, Zee, this looks like my old place,” he said making a motion with his hand to all the food wrappers, but at least she could be in a much worse state. At least she had a roof over her head.
Chris hoisted his bag onto the counter as well, still glancing around the place. It seemed like a pretty decent layout so far… and thus passed for him. “Caroline has good taste,” he mumbled, pulling out the supplies he brought with him. “What did you want me to check first? You know the refrigerator door can be flipped to give you better access,” he suggested, making his way over to it to open and see just what she’d been surviving on… other than fast food, of course.
“Any idea what’s going on with the eclipses?” he wondered as he knelt down in front of the open refrigerator door, wanting to see what kind of tool he’d need to flip it. “Or those shadow things…?” Chris paused in what he was doing to look up and try and catch Zia’s expression, wondering just how much or how little she knew about it.
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Posted: Mon Oct 28, 2013 7:14 pm
"Eugh, yeah, I guess," Zia shrugged and followed him, putting one hand on her hip and angling to look ahead of him. "Really? That seems like a lot of effort, but I won't object to better access to foodstuff."
The fridge was actually stocked, with real groceries and organic health food and everything, although that was Caroline's doing and not Zia's. Zee easily picked up on the fact the woman was trying to bribe her, especially since she already tipped her hand to wanting something from her when they had the exchange that resulted in Zia getting the keys and WiFi password.
Zia was just going to play dumb for now, though.
She popped the top off of her coffee cup to inspect. Zia was not a purist when it came to coffee. Fine wines and aged Scotch was one thing, but coffee she needed to have transformed into a tooth rotting confection and modern cafes usually obliged with a menu that suited her sweet tooth anyway.
She was fairly absorbed in it when he brought up the eclipse and she shrugged. "Eclipses are bad," She said out of nowhere, and really couldn't fathom why. "But I haven't looked into it too much. What shadow things? Wraiths? Those have been around."
She snapped the lid back on and chugged a little. "Should I pay attention? Because I haven't. Been kind of busy with stuff, I guess. Crappy stuff, awesome stuff, school stuff," She sat on the table and aimed across the open area, attempting to toss her newly empty late cup to the trash can and missing by several inches. And then picked up a text book to wave around. "I'm gonna finish my degree," She announced proudly, obviously wanting some kind of reaction out of him. She hadn't been in a legitimate class since Operation Rota and the subsequent fallout. She had refrained from telling anyone, just in case she decided to drop out and then she wouldn't have to deal with too many consequences. But in this case, Chris was the first person she told and there was a very childish 'please be impressed with me' vibe to her showing off.
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Posted: Mon Oct 28, 2013 7:31 pm
”Nah, I just have to unscrew the door and handle… See where this little logo is? It just pops off and that’s where the extra handle hole is…” he pointed as he inspected it, before letting out an exasperated sigh at how much food he needed to remove from the door… just in case he dropped it. Not that he was planning on that, but still.
“Why are eclipses bad…?” he glanced up at her once more as he stood to sift through his tools, choosing the correct one for the job and turning back to the refrigerator. “Well, I mean, this eclipse has been pretty weird. It’s been happening every night. Not possible, right? But if you watch, every night it goes into an eclipse…” he explained, placing the eggs on the counter, before continuing with the condiments.
“Not wraiths… they’re like… copies of people. I had to help Benitonite’s double from killing him the other night,” he said, before realizing it was probably a strange thing to say, but since he didn’t think Zia knew the significance, other than the fact that he was a Negaverse General, he crossed his fingers that the comment would slide. She didn’t need to know that Benitonite had almost killed him when they’d been separated at the Carnival.
He paused again when she announced her school, his expression indeed changing to that of someone who was impressed and very proud of her. “Are you really?? That’s great! I was wondering what the textbooks were for… How much longer do you have?” he beamed, turning away only to remove the door’s hinges and relocating them to the other side. An easy, quick improvement… Not that the ‘fridge really needed any improvement, but at least this way it would be easier to reach? If not, he could always switch it back for her… Or help her pick out a new one.
“Some of the Jovians are getting together to try and figure out what to do about the shadow things… I didn’t know if you’d like to meet up with them too, or…?” he suggested with a small shrug, figuring if she didn’t have any school work the night they got together, maybe she’d like to throw in her opinion on the subjects?
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Posted: Tue Oct 29, 2013 5:36 am
"Not that long, I finished prep school and junior college before I got my soul stolen," Zia said with a shrug, turning the book over in her hands and trying not to bubble over in pride at her attempt at normalcy and an accomplishment that fell into that range. That and she was happy to ignore her recently tanked relationship, especially with their would be one year anniversary being next Tuesday.
Benitonite's name did ring a bell, but she couldn't remember quite from where, and that did garner some suspicious side eye. "Benitonite's not in the index," She stated, and then remembered she had specifically avoided letting Valhalla know the knight index had recently gotten an expansion to the nega population, which mean she had been interviewing them.
"...Who is he?"
She made a face when he mentioned the Jovians, and then laughed bitterly. "Ha, no, thanks," She quipped, picking up her cellphone to log into the index server just to double check her sources that there was no Benitonite in there. "After last time I think my vote's on self preservation than your cute little soccer team."
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Posted: Tue Oct 29, 2013 3:19 pm
Chris gave her a curious look when she mentioned her index, but it only lasted a moment before turning into exasperation. “Why would a Negaverse officer be in your index? I thought that was for knights?” he groaned, really hoping she wasn’t putting herself in danger in order to get information from Negas now.
“This one says he wants to protect civilians, but he has no qualms with taking their starseeds… Keep away from him,” he huffed, dropping his tools back in his bag once the first job was done. Sometimes he wondered if she didn’t listen to him just to spite him, because he could almost be certain that he telling her to keep away from Benitoite was just an invitation for her to seek him out.
But as much as he would like to fuss at her, Zia’s comment in response to his offer had him staring at her in disbelief. “Really?” he asked rhetorically, more out of disappointment than confusion or anger, although there was probably a hint of annoyance in there. “Just because you’re not being put down by your ex anymore doesn’t mean you have the right to take your pent up aggression out on your friends,” he said, not even caring that he was assuming she was broken up with that… Patrick guy or whoever he was. Why else would she be in a new apartment and going to school and looking all shiny and well maintained like before she’d met her ex?
Chris rolled one of his shoulders as a distraction to keep his frustrations in check. Zia was his best friend, but for her to be so… demeaning about him and his friends…? It didn’t leave a very good taste in his mouth. They were out there, selflessly fighting to keep it normal for people to still be able to go to school and have lives and she just dismissed them so casually?
“What does talking with them have to do with worrying about self preservation?” he wondered, unable to put the two together, especially since they all kind of valued her opinions and insight.
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Posted: Tue Oct 29, 2013 4:40 pm
Zia had a very defiant, bubbly brand of dismissive flair to her mannerisms until he brought up her ex, and suddenly furious hazel eyes were locked on his figure while her grip tightened on the book hard enough to turn her knuckles white.
"You don't know anything about that, so watch your ******** step," She snarled defensively, and the tension didn't cool as she went on, either.
"Um, I don't know if you remember, but the anti-mirrorwalker sentiment's been on a sharp rise. First you guys welcome that stupid pink haired moon senshi b***h, next Europa's whispering about murdering the entire Black Kingdom universe because she misses precious baby Leto. You guys might have a welcoming atmosphere," She traded the book for a packet of cigarettes and flicked the bottem hard enough to make one fall out, "But you can't welcome the likes of Europa and Chibimoon and expect me to not see the collective as an enemy with two genocidal sociopaths in the fold. The Dark Mirror Court needs to be eliminated, obviously and especially now that they have princess Remarque finishing what Ares started, but the Black Kingdom is an innocent bystander. And the entire reason they even had to come here--why I had my starseed jacked and have a serious guardian cat problem-- is because of that b***h. So I think it's in my best interest if I stay away from group gatherings and teams from now on. They don't seem to work out too well."
She bit down on the filter as she looked around in the clutter for a light. "Not that I hold it against individuals personally. Obviously I don't want you dead. Pasi's okay and one of these days I will probably learn to not be mad at Kallichore for considering corruption for such monumentally stupid reasons, but if the group's going to support them then I will take my business elsewhere. The Negaverse kittens have been especially friendly. I even have a general-king in my index now," She quipped, childishly sticking her tongue out in a little 'so there'.
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Posted: Sun Nov 03, 2013 8:17 am
Chris frowned as she snapped at him, but surprised even himself when he managed to keep his comments at bay, and to not just snap back at her. Instead, he stood listening to her, his jaw clenched tightly together both to keep his own temper at bay, as well as to keep himself from interrupting.
Zia had always been one of his closest friends, and one he trusted his life with, so her ability to snap at a moment’s notice was no surprise to him, but he had hoped that after getting out of whatever s**t she’d been in for the past few years would have helped her curb her trigger released anger. Going back to school had definitely been a positive step, and he also knew to try and not take her anger too personally… at least most of the time… But when she dragged other people he cared about into it, well… that wasn’t cool.
“Do not light that,” he finally said once she seemed to be finished enough. “If you’re going to try and kill yourself with that s**t, do it while I’m not here. I’m not going to tolerate watching you harm yourself in any way,” he requested, his voice still calm but his eyes blazing with the emotion he couldn’t hide.
“Knock off the name calling,” he added, irritated that her maturity was still at that level. “No one is going to kill anyone, especially not any of the Jovians. Europa hasn’t even been in Destiny City for over a year — she almost died, although I’m sure you would be happy if she had, with the way you’re talking about her. And Chibimoon… God I only ever saw her twice, and she didn’t say two words to me or the others. You’re overreacting and taking it out on the people who are out there fighting so you can have an easier life. If you’ve had such a problem with my teammates, why the hell didn’t you say anything before?? It’s been two years since I’ve even seen Chibimoon! Why, if this is such an issue for you, have you not said anything??
“This is so like you, Zee. You can b***h about anything you want, but the second it comes to owning up to your feelings, you balk. You hold grudges and let it fester until it’s convenient. Maybe I don’t know anything about what happened with you and Pascal because you’ve never said anything about it, other than a few misspelled, drunken texts that you never followed up on.
“Stop treating me like a trophy friend when I want to be here for you more than fixing your damn toilet or squeaky door hinge, and bringing you coffee, and returning your dog,” who was noticeably absent, “Because if all I’m good for is for doing your errands, you can forget it.”
There were other things she had mentioned that he stored in the back of his brain for later, but for right now, he needed to figure out what was going on with her.
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Posted: Sun Nov 03, 2013 12:41 pm
"I'm not overreacting," Zia stated in a deliberate even tone in contrast to his ranting. "It's been a year since I've heard of the team doing anything formal, and consequently she was involved in the last few things I've heard, so where we left off, it didn't seem like a good fit I want to stand behind. Chibimoon is my enemy just as much as Painite is yours. And honestly, I thought you guys kind of lost interest since I've heard so little. It's not like there was any reason to sidle up with 'oh, by the way, that senshi you're tangentially attached to has some pretty sucky views."
She glanced away and avoided eye contact, but she did pull the cigarette out of her mouth to fiddle with the filter and focus on that rather than him. "Is your identity so tied up in that I can't just be your friend without them?"
But the more he went on, the more her overall body language changed, especially to cope with the sudden pain in her abdomen from an extreme form of twisting nausea. Her shoulders moved forward, and she grabbed one arm with the other almost defensively.
"I haven't told anyone what happened with Pascal," She half mumbled, almost robotically trying to push forward into interacting with him, even though from an outsider's perspective she looked ready to shut down.
Inside she wasn't even remotely still, however. Of all things, a lecture Painite had assaulted her with the last time they'd spoken. Maybe it was because she'd mentioned her name in her earlier analogy, or maybe it was just because the paranoia only sunk in when she was at a low point.
And she was feeling pretty damn low whenever Chris looked at her.
"I don't think you're a trophy friend, I just don't want to talk about the war with you. You always assume the worst of me. You liked me better before all this happened," She managed out with considerably effort, and it was followed up by what was almost a full body cringe as the defensive and slumped posture increased and tears welled up in the corners of her eyes.
It didn't help that Painite seemed to have completely invaded her head space at this point. You are not on anyone's side, you have no side, that doesn't make you friends. It makes everyone the enemy.
She spent way too much time with the Negaverse lately.
"You should go. Don't forget your tools," She stated after some effort to unfreeze herself and go hide failed horribly and she didn't seem all that capable of moving.
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Posted: Sun Nov 03, 2013 2:40 pm
Chris happened to think he was being pretty damn pleasant for how he was currently feeling. It wasn’t as though he was yelling at her. Serious, yes, but he wasn’t a complete raving lunatic, throwing lamps and s**t — which would be pretty low at this point in his life. Maybe he had a few run on sentences that didn’t sound as flowery as some people could make them sound, but then again… he wasn’t much for big words and flowery speeches, which made him feel pretty stupid when Zia was much more eloquent than himself.
But he could see the tension in her shoulders, and even though she wasn’t looking at him, he felt as though he might have been a bit too harsh. Then again, if he hadn’t been harsh, would she ever listen? She was so determined to do her own thing sometimes, that the only way to stop her seemed to require stepping in front of her and allowing himself to be taken out in the process. Or maybe he was being a little overdramatic, as well.
“Zee,” he started, trying to sort through the millions of things he wanted to say. “You’ll talk to the Negaverse, but you won’t talk to me about the war? You’ll put yourself in danger, talking to General-Kings and known civilian killers, yet you’ll only talk to me about the war when you have something dangerous you did to rub in my face?” he asked, sounding more exasperated than anything, referencing to when she’d bragged about her ‘Negaverse kittens’ and ‘General-King’ in her index.
Even though she told him he should go, he didn’t move. If anything, his own tension was ebbed slightly, and all he could see was someone he cared deeply for… lost and alone… or maybe that was him hoping he could reassert himself into her life.
“Why would you say that about me…?” he started again with a shake of his head. “Why do you think I assume the worst of you? If I did, why would I be here now? You know I would have shown up with a gasmask if I knew you were still trying to kill yourself with those things,” he said with a nod to the cigarette in her hand, but the comment was made lightly — something of a joke to try and diffuse the tension they both felt.
“There are so few of us, Zee… I can only get ahold of three out of the twelve or so who were there when Leto was corrupted. Pasiphae, Ganymede, and I thought it might be a good idea to try and regroup, if possible. But we’ve been working together all this time, Kallichore and Sessrumnir, too… Even if you haven’t heard anything formally being done, we’re still always out there.
“Killing anyone outside of self-defense won’t be tolerated, and anyone who thinks otherwise won’t be part of the group. And had I known Chibimoon and Europa had felt that way, at any point in time, we would have sorted it out,” he did his best to explain, with as little desperation in his voice as possible. He didn’t think he needed to convince her of his character, but with her doing her own assuming…
“My identity is Chris Gallo, and I also happen to be Valhalla. I’ve always considered you one of my closest friends, and always will. I’d risk my life for you in a heartbeat…” he admitted with a sheepish smile. “No one will lay a hand on you while I’m around, especially not people I consider my teammates.”
Hesitantly, he took a step towards her, wishing things between them were easier, and reaching out he gingerly pulled her into a hug.
“Painite isn’t my enemy, Zee… none of them are… Even if I crossed paths with her again, I still wouldn’t try to hurt her… Even if Benitoite tried taking my starseed again, I’d still help him fend off the shadow clone trying to kill him… And I don’t know what Ares started, but I don’t think Remarque would do something to hurt people… He could have killed me and others, but didn’t… I trust him to keep things from getting out of hand… Hell, I even asked him to keep an eye out for that DMS who was stalking you.”
Okay, maybe he was getting a little too much into information, but if she really wanted him gone, she would have to do more than just tell him to leave.
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Posted: Sun Nov 03, 2013 4:26 pm
"Eugh, no, you guys don't understand what you're ******** with," Zia muttered bitterly, "It's not that black and white."
She rubbed the side of her arm and intently studied her pedicure until she felt herself be pulled into a hug, which she limply leaned forward into in a pitiful attempt to reciprocate.
"Well Painite didn't steal your soul and damn you for eternity so there is that," Zia said with a laugh that managed to break tears through and she finally seemed to regain control of her arms enough to wrap around him in a real hug and grab onto his shirt.
She wasn't about to lecture him on how stupid he was for all the precarious situations he got himself in. I was a dead horse she beat often with him and others, but she did offer, "Painite is increasingly unstable. She's almost killed me twice now and she used to like me so you should probably not try to offer her too much love if you don't want anymore spear scars."
But for that reprieve she offered him, the part about Remarque broke it all.
"W-... what?"
That was his DMC contact? He had let slip he was ******** around with that stuff before, but she didn't know who.
She aggressively pushed him back, and her wide eyes scanned him over frantically as if she was trying to double check this was him, because the expression they were set in was one of complete anger and hurt at the betrayal.
She drew in a sharp breath and held it as she looked him in the eye, cautious and on the brink of rage and sadness, "You didn't..."
But of course he did. The dumb idiot probably trusted Remarque enough to think he was helping the situation. But that didn't change anything except for the sudden fallout sensation of realizing she couldn't trust with as much information as she previously thought. She kept things from him because she didn't want him to judge her, or have certain things weigh on him, or because she didn't want him to know how deeply she got herself into things. But she had never kept anything from him because she thought he couldn't be trusted.
She exhaled and instantly her breathing quickened in panic as she grabbed the sides of her head and tried to control the migraine and the return of the earlier nausea in full force. "Oh god, you didn't," She stammered, "Do you have any idea what you did? God, Chris, I made a deal with him. He was useful, he was helping, I had him on the hook. I got good information out of him! He was unstable sometimes, but that's what Chaos does! Until Remarque took him away!" She paused to panic some more when she realized her voice was reaching a near screeching pitch.
"You told Ares' captain? Her number one b***h? Did you think he was going to make it better for anyone but them?! He upgraded him, Chris. Against his will. He gave him a massive dose of Chaos and now he's twice as dangerous and ten times more unstable and all of the investment I put into him is gone and he's everywhere all the time now because he doesn't know where to go or what to do to fix his cracked head and I don't know either but I can't control him anymore and-- and--... Oh god, please tell me you didn't..."
Granted, the two events of Remarque targeting Orpheus and Valhalla calling attention to the issue happened independently of each other. Maybe. But Zia didn't know that. She had been listening to Orpheus complain and b***h for ages that Remarque had some weird interest in him, at least enough to forcibly toss him through a mirror, and now Chris was saying he was not only on decent terms with Remarque, but that he'd actually spoken to him about her her Dark Mirror senshi. Even if she hated her Dark Mirror senshi, that was beside the point.
She pulled her bare feet up on the table she was perched on and buried her face in her knees. "What else does he know, Chris?"
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Posted: Tue Nov 05, 2013 8:15 am
Chris winced as he was shoved back, stumbling into the counter. “What the hell??” he groaned, rubbing at where his back had hit the hard edge, only to step further away from Zia as another explosion built up. “H-hey wait a minute--” he tried thwarting her, but he doubted any distraction would be enough at this point.
“What… what the hell are you talking about?” Chris gawked at her, concerned for her health first, but was also aware of the words coming out of her mouth. “Who did you make a deal with? I have no idea what you’re talking about, Zee!” he flinched back, covering his ears as she shrieked at him. Whatever he had done definitely hadn’t been with any intention of harming her, or anyone else, and he highly doubted that Remarque was capable of the horrible things some of the others were.
“He never said anything about Ares! He’s not who you think, Zee,” he tried again, but the effort was probably completely futile at this point. “Who the hell are you talking about?” he asked once more, before something clicked, and his eyebrows furrowed together as he threw out a guess.
“You’re talking to the guy who’s stalking you!” he sputtered, a hand dramatically thrown in the air as if to prove a point. “God, Zee… You said that creep was following you and could be a danger to your life! Why are you trying to get yourself killed??” This time he wasn’t able to stop himself from yelling at her, his face blanched and his eyes wide with fear.
She was purposefully going around, getting ‘information’ from people who could easily corrupt her or kill her or do other unspeakable things to her, but she didn’t give a damn! She just wanted to do her own thing without thinking of anyone else who might care for her.
“He doesn’t know anything else! All I told him was there was a guy creeping on you and while he had no idea who it could be, he’d keep an eye out and talk to them about leaving you alone!” he explained, a bit calmer now, but only because this time his stomach was in knots. It wasn’t a lie… at least in regards to her. He hadn’t told him anything else about her, or the guy following her.
“Damnit, Zee,” he breathed, lifting a hand to rub at his face and trying to get himself to calm down. “I already have friends who’ve been corrupted… I don’t need you to go that way too, because if you do, there’s no way I can fight you…” She would have to kill him before he lifted a finger against her… And he didn’t like that thought.
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Posted: Tue Nov 05, 2013 6:50 pm
"Oh god, oh god," Zia whimpered with increasingly soft volume until she was inaudible. She didn't move from the position she'd pulled herself into on the table, and just covered her already buried head with her arms, one hand digging into the mess of curls pinned up at the back of her head.
She stayed like that for a long enough time that, for all intents and purposes, she appeared to have shut down completely.
She was desperately trying to sort out the wave of emotions and the heavy feelings she couldn't even name pounding through her skull faster than she could translate them.
"I made a mistake," She murmured finally, and shortly after she managed to pull her head up. She rubbed her fingers under her puffy eyes in a small attempt to erase evidence that she had been crying under there. It was obvious from her complexion, but when she spoke her voice was even and icy, with no traces of sobs.
"I'm in over my head and I know it, I took a big gamble and I lost," She stated, resting her arms on her knees and looking off to the side. These were the facts, and there was no need to get emotional about them.
Even though she was so, so emotional, her brief interlude seemed to have been successful in pushing the panic down, and right now she was practically back to her detached, cold self from the Blood Moon Court era.
"I made a deal with him, yeah. And I know it's partially my fault, for not talking to you about it. But I didn't think you were ******** around with him."
Recognizing the anger edging it's way back in, she paused, and raised her shoulders in a heavy sigh. She very thoughtfully, and carefully, tried to untangle the garble in her head and place appropriate, English words to them.
"Yeah, he's got problems. He's a pervert and a creeper and he has rage and social issues. He's also lost and alone and he wants out of his court. He's a teenager in a bad spot who's entirely dependent on people who ruined his life. His mother doesn't recognize him since Ares picked him up and threw him through a mirror against his will. When I showed him an ounce of affection he clung to me like I had all the answers, but I don't."
She ran her hands up her bare arms and back to her elbows and looked at him directly for once, with just a little bit of defiance creeping into it's usual place in her expression. "There's more, by the way. There's also Lesath, who's young and has boy troubles. Her mom makes her cookies, and she feels like she's been abandoned. Every other Saturday she wants for me to show up and have answers but I never do. Aurora's also in the Dark Mirror Court. She's naive and she just wants to save people, and she has no idea what she did to herself by corrupting, but she's starting to get a hint. And she so desperately wants to be alive again, but she can't, because there's no salvation for them; They're already dead. And then there's the rest.
"Aluminite's a brand new baby recruit who wants to be flirty and brave, but he cowers like a child at the prospect of friendship beyond his little self imposed borders. Painite is so very broken and on the edge of losing her last shred of humanity to Chaos but she thinks if she takes one more step, if she just proves she's worthy, there's happiness waiting for her on the other side, because there just has to be. Nothing can be so cruel to put someone through all that and not have there be a happy ending for your efforts, right? But I've been there, and there's nothing but more brokenness and death and she's running head first into it and I can't stop her. Captain Realgar had dreams but since the accident he can't get over his fears enough to get out there and do what used to make him happy. They promised him power but after they flooded his starseed and made him an attack dog he's abandoned and broken too. And I don't have answers for any of them, but, see," She exhaled and ran a hand through her bangs.
"I know them. Every single one of them. I know them better than they know themselves and much better than they know me. I care about every single one who takes a moment to speak with me, and they are all immensely precious to me. Just like any one on this side. But I'm not stupid. I know they're dangerous. That's why none of them know me. Some of them know me by a letter, others don't even have that much. They just wait and hope and I never have anything new to say to them. That's how desperate it all is. And still, I know my limits. I know how stay alive. I've been doing this for years now. But Orpheus... things changed."
She frowned and shook her head. "I gambled. I thought I was on the edge of something, and I wanted answers. I gave him more of me than I've shared with any of my other contacts. I figured it was high risk, but high reward, too. But then Remarque took an interest in him, and now he's worse. He had to relive it. He is terrified of mirrors, and his court, and he was dragged and upgraded. He's more chaotic and violent than ever, and everything's ruined, and I don't know what to do. So tell me Chris. How much do you know about Remarque?"
Anger set in, but it wasn't volatile or explosive. It was cold accusation as her hazel eyes narrowed and took measure.
"Because here's what I know. Ares is a control freak, and before she left to seek out greater things she made him her captain to watch over the court. She wouldn't leave her fledgling empire with someone she couldn't trust to maintain her values. I know he's already seduced other senshi to take the Dark Mirror brand of corruption. Permanent. Death. They're dead, Chris, their mirror souls are the only ones in their bodies. It's all Zirconia and no Zia for them. And he leads them to it. For her. He's their leader in her absence. How can you stand there and not realize you've been manipulated?"
She didn't wait for an answer. She didn't even pause, but she jumped up off the table and stood, one hand desperately too her chest as the icy emotion slipped away in favor of passionate desperation for his understanding. "I'm not trying to get myself killed, I'm trying to keep you all alive. I don't know when Zirconia's going to wake up and decide she wants this shell all to herself. I don't know when the Chaos is going to be too much. Either way, that's the end of me, and if you see me walking around, after, you'll know it's not me wearing this face. This is all I have. My boyfriend thought I was cheating on him because I was helping Realgar arrange a discussion about his possible purification. I lost my job because a nega split open Luxor's side and he needed help before a client. I have nothing else, but you and the people I can keep alive in this war. So don't belittle it as something I do purely to be difficult. Because you guys are all that keeps me hanging on."
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