The show of affection only startled her because it was Jake, and because she hadn’t instigated anything that time. Spontaneous affection. Her mind flashed back to her memories from the Tear. Jake had been like that there, too, near the end. She sighed, letting her gaze fall to the ground. It was nice. They’d agreed to try something. He accepted the way she felt about him and was giving her a chance.
So why was she suddenly terrified? Where was the doubt coming from?
She wished she could remember why they had stopped talking before. She knew… She knew things had been rocky. She knew she’d felt this way about him for a long while, and she knew he’d pushed her away for a good bit of that. She remembered being happy in between. But then they’d not talked, not until he’d wanted to, not until he wanted to ask for another chance. …Was that why she was doubting? Had she pushed him away at some point?
No, that was wrong. She’d been ecstatic about him coming back to her. After that though, he’d stopped responding and… She sighed again.
Sherry shook her head. Not even that. It’s not all clear, but I’m way past that. Fool me once though…
No. I just… She sighed again and began slowly heading back toward the dorms. It still hurts. I know what he’s said before, and since. I just don’t know why he forgot. What if it was a choice and what if he remembers? Or worse, what if he just decides I’m not what he wants? Tell me, do you think Nevada was right? She closed her eyes, more to stop the tears than to soak up the sun.
Her tone rumbled with affection.
“So you’ve said,” the girl whispered in reply as she entered the dorms. Still a bit dark, still not humming with the power of electricity. She was used to it now, though, even if she didn’t like how dark it got at night. I think I’m just scared that it won’t work out. I know what he said, but I don’t know if he knows. I… Her train of thought was lost as she reached her room. New thoughts were popping in, and they were even less pleasant than before.
“What if,” she said to the silence of her living space, “he’s being nice to me because he doesn’t remember me? Once he gets to know me he’ll just push me away again. If Nevada was right and he was scared, then the way he is right now is because he’s not scared?” The cold, dark hollow in her chest was back. It’s edges were numb, and that numb kept trying to creep out. “I want to be happy. I want to be with him. I want him to be happy.” She slipped off her coat and let it fall to the floor, then set about removing her boots. “I… I…”
She took a few moments to let the tears fall.
“I don’t know. It’s there, but,” she sighed again. “I’m worried that it all boils down to me not being good enough. It’s a fact I’ll never be able to change if it’s true. No matter what anyone says.”
Armagnac made a very disgusted noise.
“Fine,” Sherry conceded. “I’m good enough. But if he doesn’t want me it’s nearly the same thing.” She heard the weapon’s protest to that and smiled. “It just hurts, and I’m scared. I want to be happy, but…”
“Right. We’ll just have to see.” She inhaled deeply, then let it go, wiping at her face again. Then she set about gathering her things. Cold water was all they had, but it almost felt good in this heat. She’d clean up, then go visit Jake. She was scared, and it still hurt, but she’d be damned if she didn’t try. Giving up was not her strongest point.
She put on a smile before she left her room. The rest of the world didn’t need to know how she was feeling.
