Sometimes Farewell Smile didn't know who she wanted to be. Or, rather, she thought she knew exactly who she wanted to be but didn't know how to be it. This conflict left her smiling some days and glaring others, but always, always, she was screaming inside. She felt like such a lie, walking around in this delicate body that made kin expect a gentle soul, when actually she wanted to laugh loudly and yell at the sky, answer to no one, except that she couldn't bear the thought of not being liked. So she giggled and she whispered, softening the edges of her words with a smile and duck of her head. Or she tossed her head, flicking her hair way from her, laughing just on the edge of acceptable and smirking, but still letting others be, to say what they want, to think what they want without challenge.And now, even her body was conspiring against her, to make her protect what might or might not be a clutch of children. Worse, she loved them, this concept that she wasn't sure was based on reality. At least, she thought bitterly, she genuinely liked their perhaps-father. At the very least, she would not resent their origins. Walking very slowly to delay the inevitable meeting, Farewell Smile tested a greeting smile on her face, feeling it stretch false before settling naturally onto her features. She sighed then, feeling her skin right itself over her soul, and she gentled her body, she didn't hate the world, she didn't even so much hate herself; but sometimes it felt suffocating to be incapable of being and knowing who she really was.
That said, she was always a little bit of herself, however conflicted, she had to be or she would go mad. So steeling herself, but resolving not to say anything about what she suspected, she picked up her pace to reunite with Not Alone.
phoenix kiss
Ack! I meant to write this up last night, but between my last post in the thread and well, sometime this morning I had fallen asleep sitting there with my hands on the keyboard without realizing it. And then this post just didn't want to get written. Hopefully, this is something you can work with even though it's just a lot of rambling. >_<
