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Reply - You: Personal Discussion, Life Issues, & Advice -
I just don't know what to do anymore.

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Meveane

PostPosted: Mon Aug 05, 2013 7:40 pm


Last month my sister asked me to move back home and help take care of her children when she has them. She's in the Navy and will need someone to take care of the babies after she gives birth. She asked me to stay and help for about a year.

Due to family pressure, I agreed. So I quit my job and moved back home. I've only been here for two weeks and I can't deal with this.

I'm constantly being harassed and criticized for not having a job, being told and made to feel like I'm worthless and everything is my fault.

I've tried talking to her and the rest of my family and explaining that it is a lot harder to find a job here than where I lived before. And that since I also don't know what times my sister is going to need me to watch the kids, I don't know what hours I would be able to work in the first place.

But apparently all I'm doing is being selfish and taking advantage of my sister because all I do is stay in my room all day. I stay in here so I don't have to deal with them. I moved away so I wouldn't have to deal with them.

I haven't been this depressed in a long time. I just don't know what to say or do anymore.
PostPosted: Mon Aug 05, 2013 8:27 pm


Well if they're being suck douchebags you could just tell them to ******** off. Obviously they don;t understand or respect everything you do for them, so thhey don't deserve your help.

darlindol17

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Ittarius

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PostPosted: Mon Aug 05, 2013 8:47 pm


Seems to me that you should just tell them that if they don't get off your back, you're going to move.
PostPosted: Sun Aug 31, 2014 12:50 am


The others are right in that you don't deserve this undue pressure from your family, who unfortunately put you in this situation in the first place. It may be difficult to accept and move past, but the truth is that they misjudge you as a problem in this scenario. Raising her infant children is a huge sacrifice that you're taking on for your sister, and if they can't appreciate that, it's whoever is criticizing you that has issues. Dismiss it as you would someone talking about a nightmare they had about falling from the top of a tall building. It may be disturbing to your peace of mind, but regardless, it's a non-issue to you. It doesn't exist. Treat it that way. The kind of treatment you're receiving isn't as easy to forget as someone's dream, but there is a way to solve this.

Be respectful in your interactions with them, but state the truth as bluntly as possible. If/when they refuse to come to terms with you not having a job, politely ask them to take care of the infants for you, so that way you can have a free schedule in order to find a job. When* they decline to care for the babies, politely inform them that it's clearly a bigger responsibility than they appreciate. It seems like that is the real issue here.

If they continue to harass you, you have two options:
1. Ignore it, continue to raise the infants and know you are doing the right thing.
2. Fill out job applications, but always explain, either through the application itself or during the interview, that you have an important obligation to care for your sister's infant children whenever she is on duty. This way it will be more understandable if you request to have your shift filled by someone else. If possible, try to find a job that allows you to work from home or has very flexible hours.

I, myself, would go with option 1. I simply can't put up with people being unreasonably hostile, so I pressure them into situations where they are uncomfortable. It may not seem like it, but their criticism towards you is more than likely a reflection of their own issues.

Imagine that a couple is having an argument about something completely irrelevant to the puppy the girlfriend recently adopted. However, while the boyfriend is yelling back at her, he then points to the puppy and says "And on top of everything, you brought this thing on us! Do you realize he's gonna s**t and piss everywhere for months? Why couldn't you just get a hamster or something?"

Of course, the puppy itself is not to blame, although if it were able to understand what the boyfriend was saying about it, it would probably feel like you do. Worthless, unwanted, a burden... But, just because the boyfriend happens to be directing his aggression at a particular being (keep in mind that people often conceptualize other beings rather than treating them as they would themselves, especially when they aren't thinking clearly or have poor ethical dispositions), it doesn't mean that that being is worth less than any other. It doesn't mean that it's not doing the best it can with the knowledge it has. It doesn't know why or how it exists, it just is, and its instinct can only tell it at this point that it desires live somewhere safe and comfortable. That's all it wants.

I don't know why your family is attacking you, but it seems to me that they are a lot like the angry boyfriend: directing their anger to someone who did nothing to deserve it. You're clearly doing your share to please those who provide for you and therefore get to tell you what to do. You're doing the best you can with the knowledge you have. Their misunderstanding of that is not your fault, and you shouldn't feel bad about it.

If you don't think your parents are particularly stressed individuals, then consider this. If your family has been in America since the early 20th century, your great-grandparents had lived through or just past the influence of the Great Depression, and probably had your grandparents working as kids. Therefore it's probable that when raising their children, your grandparents strongly emphasized the importance of a person's work ethic, as though it was a central part of one's character. At the same time, their own generation cultured the ideas of a woman's role extending to beyond just caring for the young and doing housework, and our generation seems to be perceiving men and women as societal equals. All of these factors may have influenced their attitude towards your role as a family member.

But remember, these preconceptions don't actually apply to you as an individual. You have decided to do the best job at raising the infants by not electing to also have a job that would require you to be away from them. You have made a wise decision in my opinion, no matter the amount of harassment it entails. Caring for a baby, a small, fragile start to a human life, is far more important of a job than any work that could be available to you. If your family doesn't get that, they're either sociopathic, neurotic, in debt, under stress, angry about something, or just plain ignorant. Whatever the case, their misguided conceptions of reality are the root of their cynical attitude towards you. Don't let it weigh you down. Not only is it irrational on their part, but it'd be just as irrational on your part to submit to their unreasonable demands. I'm not even talking about getting a job, but letting their judgments make you feel worthless. You're better than how they make you feel.

*I'd bet money on it. People don't realize how much work caring for a baby is until it's pushed in their faces.
**On the off-chance they decide to take you up on your offer, then you're free to find a job with any sort of schedule, or move out and look for one then.

psycheduck

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