Welcome to Gaia! ::

I spoke with my mom earlier today about the possibility of coming out to see her and my oldest son Regan sometime next week, while they are on Spring Break....when I mentioned it before, she seemed open to the idea, but today, when I asked if it was still okay with her, she said she "wasn't sure it was a good idea" and that "she would have to think about it."

So now it seems I'm to be denied contact with Regan altogether. I'm to call her back later in the weekend, and I may just suggest that she & I meet in a town between the two of us, a little out of her way, but she wouldn't have to bring Regan.

This, coming on top of the adoption, and the jolt of emotions from seeing the pictures of Katie is almost too much for me. I forced myself to take a nap (slept 6 hours) because I could feel the emotions trying to control me as they did the other day.

I was sorely tempted to follow through with my plans for suicide, until I spoke with a friend who reminded me that my adopted children could someday wish to find me, and they can't get answers from a grave.
So I'm still here. Tempted, angry, hurt, sad, but still here.

I don't know what I'm looking for in replies to this, there's really nothing anyone can say...I feel it's cowardly to allow my mom to set the conditions of the meeting, but I don't want to hurt Regan in any way. If she's doing this out of concern for him and his feelings, then I can respect it, and will do what she wants. But if it's her own selfishness of not wanting to have to tell him truths if he asks awkward questions about me, then I may push the issue. I don't know what he knows about me, what they tell him. I know he's probably been told numerous lies about his father, my parents have hated him, and will hate him, no matter what he does. *shrug*

I promise I won't bite anyone's head off for responding to this, I'm at a loss as to what to do or say right now, and I'm planning to call her back either Sunday or Monday, so any advice from you guys would be greatly appreciated right now.

Aw, hon, I'd go see my Doctor ASAP and talk to them. You sound like you're experiencing a bit more then the 'baby blues' at this point and you may need a little help until your hormones leveled back out. It's normal to be out of sorts and cry for no reason, but when you start seriously considering suicide, it's time to explore what your other options are. I'm sure everything else going on really isn't helping either, but maybe if you can get that one aspect under control, the rest will be more bearable. Your friend was right: you're being dead doesn't help anyone, least of all you.

Then I'd talk to your mother and see what her reasons are for denying you the meeting. It might even be concern for you and your health so soon after the C-section that is making her want to post-pone.

I don't know your situation, but you've shown in here that you have a lot of grit, and even without help, I'm confident you'll be able to correct whatever went wrong and find your way 'out.' It may take longer then getting some help, but that doesn't mean you've failed. You just had to work harder for it. So focus on your strength and try not to dwell on the fact that they have helped your siblings out more. You can get yourself out.

-hugs-

Dirge-my mom doesn't know about Ryan at all. So it's not that. neutral

Thank you both for the kind words..I've been talking with a counselor, and my doctor does know about the post-partum, and the counselor.

I'm not going to suicide...I know that now. If I was, I wouldn't have bothered posting here to get advice & help. I would have just done it & been gone, or hosiptalized if it'd been a failed attempt.

I hope your meeting goes well.