Despite Valor's words she still felt jilted, burned and very confused. Was Tristan finally gone then, or wasn't he? Celadine had no idea and felt she had no right to ask. Phallanx owed her nothing after all. Tristan had made his choice long before he met her, or even knew she existed. She had fallen in love with a dead man- having known this from day one -married him, gave birth to his children. And now what?
"I loved you the instant that you were so gentle with him when he did not know what to do with a woman's body. I think very few could do what you did for him that day. You made it far easier for me too."
That action had nothing to do with Phallanx at all, it wasn't something that had occurred to her in that moment. Tristan had been terrified, rightfully so, and she had done what she could to ease his fears. He had never been wrong or broken, just different because of a choice he made when he dove in head first, as always. It wasn't something she could fault him for, it was part of who he was, just the same as being a twin was part of him. The fact that it 'made it easier for her' just made her heart hurt. Easier to do what- feel less guilty about killing him?
She turned over and buried her face in a pillow. It wasn't a lie that she loved Valor...just perhaps it was not in the same way as she loved Tristan. Since their last conversation she had tried to make peace with everything, but the goddess sure as hell did not look at her the same way she looked at Vaelrirn. Phallanx did not seem the type to lie, but it was questionable whether she was actually in love with her at all. The goddess was in love with the night elf, even without knowing their history- which she did -it was obvious to anyone who knew, or had known, her husband. The way she looked at him was the same way Tristan used to look at her.
Tears ran down her cheeks, hitting the pillow. Perhaps that was the crux of the issue - Valor was not Tristan, she could never truly be him. She still had Eletia and Kella, precious little pieces of their father, but it was not the same. Children could not replace a husband. Her hands fisted into the sheets and by now her pillow was nearly soaked.
“I am sorry, Cela. I would never discard you. Never think that I would. You mean a great deal to me. You mean as much to me as Tristan does- as Vael does.”
Right now discarded was exactly how she felt...
“It was not even a thought when I went up the elevator with you both or even when I first entered my room. But I will warn you next time. I apologize for not doing so this time. And I will warn him when I spend time with you. I do not want either of you to be hurt. You both mean more to me than anyone else.”
The other major grief was that her talk with Lan about discretion seemed to have all but gone in one ear and out the other, at least after a couple of weeks. Valor had likely not even noticed that she left more and more, taking the girls elsewhere for time outside or visits with other family. It was getting harder and harder to remain here. She would not go to Ophidia, the First had already refused her once so she would not ask again or seek shelter with her or any of her priestess sisters. The Vryce quarters did not feel like an option either, being there just mostly deepened her grief. It was a bit selfish but she felt like a unwanted child with nowhere to go.
All she could do was take care of her daughters, her two little treasures. They were two of the few things that made her smile anymore.
