Tuesday, 8:12pm Ispeakfeline's avatar Dr Lawrence Weiman @Ispeakfeline
missn went wrong enjoy th bed to yourself
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10 Mar 16, 8:24pm Ispeakfeline's avatar Dr Lawrence Weiman @Ispeakfeline
I told you when I would be back. smile
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10 Mar 16, 8:19pm SciFiScientific's avatar Melvin Wood @SciFiScientific
Whenever I see you
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10 Mar 16, 8:17pm Ispeakfeline's avatar Dr Lawrence Weiman @Ispeakfeline
If you wish. We can talk later?
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10 Mar 16, 8:15pm SciFiScientific's avatar Melvin Wood @SciFiScientific
Just forget I said anything.
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10 Mar 16, 8:15pm SciFiScientific's avatar Melvin Wood @SciFiScientific
Nevermind. I dont have it either.
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10 Mar 16, 8:14pm Ispeakfeline's avatar Dr Lawrence Weiman @Ispeakfeline
You are more than interesting, I don't have the lexicon for this Melvin.
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10 Mar 16, 8:14pm SciFiScientific's avatar Melvin Wood @SciFiScientific
We are both interesting then.
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10 Mar 16, 8:13pm SciFiScientific's avatar Melvin Wood @SciFiScientific
You
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10 Mar 16, 8:09pm Ispeakfeline's avatar Dr Lawrence Weiman @Ispeakfeline
I suppose just interest? Which isn't to say you are not interesting, as you certainly are.
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10 Mar 16, 8:09pm Ispeakfeline's avatar Dr Lawrence Weiman @Ispeakfeline
Not entirely sure why he does it but he does.
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10 Mar 16, 8:08pm Ispeakfeline's avatar Dr Lawrence Weiman @Ispeakfeline
He is chaotic? And gets angry at nothing? It is interesting like watching a dog chew on its own leg.
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10 Mar 16, 8:07pm SciFiScientific's avatar Melvin Wood @SciFiScientific
Then your equivalent? What is what you get from Horace if you could place what emotions could come close?
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10 Mar 16, 8:05pm Ispeakfeline's avatar Dr Lawrence Weiman @Ispeakfeline
Not in the same way it does with other people.
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10 Mar 16, 8:05pm Ispeakfeline's avatar Dr Lawrence Weiman @Ispeakfeline
Nothing makes me happy. Emotions, remember?
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10 Mar 16, 8:05pm Ispeakfeline's avatar Dr Lawrence Weiman @Ispeakfeline
No?
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10 Mar 16, 8:04pm SciFiScientific's avatar Melvin Wood @SciFiScientific
Does he make you happy?
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10 Mar 16, 8:00pm SciFiScientific's avatar Melvin Wood @SciFiScientific
I thought your breakup was bad. I guess when he looks at us, he only hates me.
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10 Mar 16, 7:59pm Ispeakfeline's avatar Dr Lawrence Weiman @Ispeakfeline
Yes. Why wouldn't we?
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10 Mar 16, 7:55pm SciFiScientific's avatar Melvin Wood @SciFiScientific
So you and Horace still talk after all this time?
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10 Mar 16, 7:38pm Ispeakfeline's avatar Dr Lawrence Weiman @Ispeakfeline
I am sorry I did not keep you in the loop.
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10 Mar 16, 7:34pm Ispeakfeline's avatar Dr Lawrence Weiman @Ispeakfeline
I try to do what I can. Feelings are not something I am any good at at. Making meals I can do.
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10 Mar 16, 7:33pm SciFiScientific's avatar Melvin Wood @SciFiScientific
He still has feelings for you.
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10 Mar 16, 7:32pm SciFiScientific's avatar Melvin Wood @SciFiScientific
And of all people Horace?
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10 Mar 16, 7:32pm SciFiScientific's avatar Melvin Wood @SciFiScientific
I don't mind you going on leave. I want you to feel better, but you don't tell me anything and now it's like the note was more of an after thought. You just left. You didn't say anything about being stressed. You didn't say you were leaving or just waited till I got home. You didn't even say who you were with so if know you were okay and safe. Or where you went. You left so much out. You take time for these other things. To label food containers and give instructions but not to tell me how you are feeling or need?
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10 Mar 16, 7:29pm Ispeakfeline's avatar Dr Lawrence Weiman @Ispeakfeline
You seem very angry, I thought you would be glad that I was getting a short break to feel better?
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10 Mar 16, 7:29pm Ispeakfeline's avatar Dr Lawrence Weiman @Ispeakfeline
I am not good at indications Melvin, perhaps this is as good an indicator as any?
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10 Mar 16, 7:26pm SciFiScientific's avatar Melvin Wood @SciFiScientific
Which seems weird.
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10 Mar 16, 7:26pm SciFiScientific's avatar Melvin Wood @SciFiScientific
And only because Horace jumped at the chance to pay for you
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10 Mar 16, 7:26pm SciFiScientific's avatar Melvin Wood @SciFiScientific
It's not irrational when you come home to see you just up and split without any indication you wanted to leave or you were stressed, and go on leave with your ex.
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10 Mar 16, 7:25pm Ispeakfeline's avatar Dr Lawrence Weiman @Ispeakfeline
We can certainly go somewhere if that is what you would like to do and I would also explain my feelings to you if they could be deemed feelings.
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10 Mar 16, 7:25pm Ispeakfeline's avatar Dr Lawrence Weiman @Ispeakfeline
Melvin why are you being so irrational?
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10 Mar 16, 7:25pm Ispeakfeline's avatar Dr Lawrence Weiman @Ispeakfeline
I would still of course enjoy going out with you?
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10 Mar 16, 7:23pm SciFiScientific's avatar Melvin Wood @SciFiScientific
Or am I the reason?
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10 Mar 16, 7:23pm SciFiScientific's avatar Melvin Wood @SciFiScientific
I would have taken you out of you wanted.
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10 Mar 16, 7:23pm SciFiScientific's avatar Melvin Wood @SciFiScientific
I would have listened if you said you were stressed.
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10 Mar 16, 7:21pm SciFiScientific's avatar Melvin Wood @SciFiScientific
And I wouldn't?
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10 Mar 16, 7:19pm Ispeakfeline's avatar Dr Lawrence Weiman @Ispeakfeline
Is there some issue?
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10 Mar 16, 7:19pm Ispeakfeline's avatar Dr Lawrence Weiman @Ispeakfeline
But if you must know I am on leave because I have been stressed and I am with Horace because he was happy to foot the bill.
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10 Mar 16, 7:19pm SciFiScientific's avatar Melvin Wood @SciFiScientific
It's not running plans by me. It's telling me what's going on. It's out of the blue.
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10 Mar 16, 7:17pm Ispeakfeline's avatar Dr Lawrence Weiman @Ispeakfeline
Secrecy? I did not think I had to run plans by you before I made them. I apologise.
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10 Mar 16, 7:13pm SciFiScientific's avatar Melvin Wood @SciFiScientific
Then why all this secrecy? Not telling me anything. The food. Now leave. You just ran off and left a little note that doesn't even say why you are on leave and with who.
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10 Mar 16, 7:10pm Ispeakfeline's avatar Dr Lawrence Weiman @Ispeakfeline
I am fine. And no I am not at all pissed off or mad at you.
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10 Mar 16, 7:10pm SciFiScientific's avatar Melvin Wood @SciFiScientific
You did this while I was gone. Are you pissed off?
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10 Mar 16, 7:09pm SciFiScientific's avatar Melvin Wood @SciFiScientific
You had time to pack and make food but you wrote me a note? Are you mad at me?
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10 Mar 16, 7:07pm Ispeakfeline's avatar Dr Lawrence Weiman @Ispeakfeline
I left you a note?
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10 Mar 16, 7:03pm SciFiScientific's avatar Melvin Wood @SciFiScientific
You had time to make food but not tell me you are just leaving?!
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10 Mar 16, 7:02pm SciFiScientific's avatar Melvin Wood @SciFiScientific
Why didn't you say anything?
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10 Mar 16, 7:02pm Ispeakfeline's avatar Dr Lawrence Weiman @Ispeakfeline
On leave temporarily. Are you all right?
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10 Mar 16, 7:00pm SciFiScientific's avatar Melvin Wood @SciFiScientific
Where are you?!
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30 Dec 15, 1:48pm Ispeakfeline's avatar Dr Lawrence Weiman @Ispeakfeline
It does not. But alas.
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30 Dec 15, 12:54pm SciFiScientific's avatar Melvin Wood @SciFiScientific
That doesn't give people the excuse to slander people over and over and over!
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30 Dec 15, 12:43pm Ispeakfeline's avatar Dr Lawrence Weiman @Ispeakfeline
It is very unfortunate but it is the nature of the island.
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30 Dec 15, 12:23pm SciFiScientific's avatar Melvin Wood @SciFiScientific
I just hate all of this. It's getting worse and you don't deserve people running around doing this to you
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30 Dec 15, 12:19pm Ispeakfeline's avatar Dr Lawrence Weiman @Ispeakfeline
There is not exactly anything we can do Melvin.
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30 Dec 15, 3:59am SciFiScientific's avatar Melvin Wood @SciFiScientific
America is being a problem. Her slander is just trashing you constantly on Twitter. This can't keep happenign over and over with some new murder case against you
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12 Oct 15, 10:28pm SciFiScientific's avatar Melvin Wood @SciFiScientific
Haha. Sure. Let's make this place home
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12 Oct 15, 10:15pm Ispeakfeline's avatar Dr Lawrence Weiman @Ispeakfeline
Lets get more stuff.
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12 Oct 15, 5:16pm Ispeakfeline's avatar Dr Lawrence Weiman @Ispeakfeline
Agreed.
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12 Oct 15, 5:08pm SciFiScientific's avatar Melvin Wood @SciFiScientific
We don't even have enough furniture for the room we have. We'll really need more when we get a bigger room.
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12 Oct 15, 4:56pm Ispeakfeline's avatar Dr Lawrence Weiman @Ispeakfeline
I can't wait to see it upgraded, even more homey than it is at present.
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12 Oct 15, 4:53pm SciFiScientific's avatar Melvin Wood @SciFiScientific
In also hoping to upgrade our room whenever I get enough money
Baneful Crew
Dramatic Hunter
Offline
Baneful Crew
Dramatic Hunter
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Posted: Sat May 14, 2016 6:15 am
America
AMERICA JONES @******** night is fine
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Tuesday, 11:14pm Ispeakfeline's avatar Dr Lawrence Weiman @Ispeakfeline
Where and when?
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Tuesday, ******** avatar AMERICA JONES @******** will
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Tuesday, 11:00pm Ispeakfeline's avatar Dr Lawrence Weiman @Ispeakfeline
Yes, if you are inclined to listen.
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Tuesday, ******** avatar AMERICA JONES @******** you want to whine about it over dinner
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Tuesday, 10:58pm Ispeakfeline's avatar Dr Lawrence Weiman @Ispeakfeline
I am concerned I will do something very stupid. More stupid than usual. I struggle with impulses.
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Tuesday, 10:57pm Ispeakfeline's avatar Dr Lawrence Weiman @Ispeakfeline
I can't focus on anything between you and this.
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Tuesday, 10:57pm Ispeakfeline's avatar Dr Lawrence Weiman @Ispeakfeline
And now my single merit is no longer extant and I am so frustrated.
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Tuesday, ******** avatar AMERICA JONES @********/> More options
Tuesday, 10:53pm Ispeakfeline's avatar Dr Lawrence Weiman @Ispeakfeline
Perhaps Mikael was of merit to her.
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Tuesday, 10:52pm Ispeakfeline's avatar Dr Lawrence Weiman @Ispeakfeline
I never intended to hurt her, I just wanted to learn from her. But I seem to take and take and give nothing of merit back.
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Tuesday, ******** avatar AMERICA JONES @******** good to have a home for yourself
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Tuesday, ******** avatar AMERICA JONES @******** imagine that was because she was scared of you
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Tuesday, 10:48pm Ispeakfeline's avatar Dr Lawrence Weiman @Ispeakfeline
But I will have a home again. Even if it needs to just be me, even if no one else will endure my attempts to be what they want me to be.
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Tuesday, 10:47pm Ispeakfeline's avatar Dr Lawrence Weiman @Ispeakfeline
If I wasn't happy I was at least content.
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Tuesday, 10:47pm Ispeakfeline's avatar Dr Lawrence Weiman @Ispeakfeline
And to realise that she never once told me that she was uncomfortable, that things bothered her that it had ever gotten to the point it had. I just snapped when I realised.
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Tuesday, 10:47pm Ispeakfeline's avatar Dr Lawrence Weiman @Ispeakfeline
I had a home. I had an honest to goodness home. I was a father, I fed them, I helped get her things from the shop when she was ill. I cooked, I did what I could.
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Tuesday, 10:45pm Ispeakfeline's avatar Dr Lawrence Weiman @Ispeakfeline
That was the thing that was the hardest to endure, to have invested so much time and effort into something to find that in the end it was pointless.
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Tuesday, 10:45pm Ispeakfeline's avatar Dr Lawrence Weiman @Ispeakfeline
I know.
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Tuesday, ******** avatar AMERICA JONES @******** and closeness and it breaks down anyway
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Tuesday, ******** avatar AMERICA JONES @******** wouldnt have taken mikael if she hadnt noticed
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Tuesday, 10:44pm Ispeakfeline's avatar Dr Lawrence Weiman @Ispeakfeline
And you undid it all. And I cannot even blame you, you simply existed.
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Tuesday, 10:44pm Ispeakfeline's avatar Dr Lawrence Weiman @Ispeakfeline
Do you know how many YEARS it took to be able to function normally?
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Tuesday, 10:43pm Ispeakfeline's avatar Dr Lawrence Weiman @Ispeakfeline
And then you happened.
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Tuesday, 10:43pm Ispeakfeline's avatar Dr Lawrence Weiman @Ispeakfeline
They couldn't see it before.
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Tuesday, ******** avatar AMERICA JONES @******** tend to be repulsed by crazy too
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Tuesday, 10:42pm Ispeakfeline's avatar Dr Lawrence Weiman @Ispeakfeline
Perfection wouldn't be old, it might be ancient but it would never be old.
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Tuesday, 10:42pm Ispeakfeline's avatar Dr Lawrence Weiman @Ispeakfeline
People are repulsed by age, they are repulsed by weight.
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Tuesday, ******** avatar AMERICA JONES @******** just about the only thing that makes you human
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Tuesday, 10:41pm Ispeakfeline's avatar Dr Lawrence Weiman @Ispeakfeline
Yes I am.
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Tuesday, ******** avatar AMERICA JONES @******** any other children you might have had
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Tuesday, ******** avatar AMERICA JONES @******** many lives are worth your own you stupid ********/> More options
Tuesday, 10:40pm Ispeakfeline's avatar Dr Lawrence Weiman @Ispeakfeline
I am so /old/ America. And getting older every single day.
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Tuesday, ******** avatar AMERICA JONES @******** now youre paying arent you
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Tuesday, 10:39pm Ispeakfeline's avatar Dr Lawrence Weiman @Ispeakfeline
I don't intend to be used again. I just wanted youth.
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Tuesday, ******** avatar AMERICA JONES @******** just end up a ******** puppet either way
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Tuesday, ******** avatar AMERICA JONES @******** merlin the queens the eyes all of them
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Tuesday, ******** avatar AMERICA JONES @******** things use people
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Tuesday, ******** avatar AMERICA JONES @******** you really think doing your usual traitorous a*****e thing would have gone better
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Tuesday, 10:38pm Ispeakfeline's avatar Dr Lawrence Weiman @Ispeakfeline
I'm allowed to say them, I didn't do them.
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Tuesday, ******** avatar AMERICA JONES @******** keep saying things like that
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Tuesday, 10:37pm Ispeakfeline's avatar Dr Lawrence Weiman @Ispeakfeline
I should have just looked out for myself, I never would have scouted ahead.
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Tuesday, 10:37pm Ispeakfeline's avatar Dr Lawrence Weiman @Ispeakfeline
Still, now there is no future or singular legacy, no capacity to create. Trying to do the right thing almost got me killed and took a lot away from me.
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Tuesday, 10:35pm Ispeakfeline's avatar Dr Lawrence Weiman @Ispeakfeline
Yes, I am aware.
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Tuesday, ******** avatar AMERICA JONES @******** ******** up on both counts
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Tuesday, 10:34pm Ispeakfeline's avatar Dr Lawrence Weiman @Ispeakfeline
I wanted to see if I could create something good of my own merit. Mikael got stolen away ultimately, Melody I hardly knew at all.
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Tuesday, 10:33pm Ispeakfeline's avatar Dr Lawrence Weiman @Ispeakfeline
I wanted to raise one.
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Tuesday, ******** avatar AMERICA JONES @******** if you did get one killed
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Tuesday, ******** avatar AMERICA JONES @******** had at least two children which means you were more blessed than a lot of folks here
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Tuesday, 10:30pm Ispeakfeline's avatar Dr Lawrence Weiman @Ispeakfeline
I had dreams. Perhaps dreams you may have deemed illogical and improbable but dreams nonetheless.
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Tuesday, 10:29pm Ispeakfeline's avatar Dr Lawrence Weiman @Ispeakfeline
You know, the sterility thing is strangely harrowing. I feel like I have been fully cast out of Eden now, denied my right to even so much as be a human.
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Sunday, 10:39pm Ispeakfeline's avatar Dr Lawrence Weiman @Ispeakfeline
And all right. I will try and make something you like, because I enjoy a similar thing insofar as caring for people I like.
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Sunday, 10:39pm Ispeakfeline's avatar Dr Lawrence Weiman @Ispeakfeline
He was very boring indeed.
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Sunday, ******** avatar AMERICA JONES @********/> More options
Sunday, ******** avatar AMERICA JONES @******** can make me lunch next time we wat together
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Sunday, ******** avatar AMERICA JONES @******** ritual of caring for someone i like
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Sunday, ******** avatar AMERICA JONES @******** wanted to cook for dawson cause i like that sort of
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Sunday, ******** avatar AMERICA JONES @******** dad sounds boring
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Sunday, ******** avatar AMERICA JONES @******** perception thing is because you convince people youre sane and not ******** up in your brain so they got normal people expectations
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Sunday, 8:30pm Ispeakfeline's avatar Dr Lawrence Weiman @Ispeakfeline
I would like to do something nice for you. Not to have you owe me anything simply out of a desire to. I almost cooked you something but I remember your conversation with Dawson and I am not sure if that would merely be depriving you of a thing you enjoy doing.
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Sunday, 7:56pm Ispeakfeline's avatar Dr Lawrence Weiman @Ispeakfeline
And what she understood I can only believe you share. Oliver mentioned a hole of some sort. It is much stranger when the people you love and loved are the same person.
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Sunday, 7:55pm Ispeakfeline's avatar Dr Lawrence Weiman @Ispeakfeline
I am always concerned that speaking about my parents and my opinions of them will skew perceptions and perception is everything. With you, that is not an issue. You know who I am, you understand me.
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Sunday, 7:35pm Ispeakfeline's avatar Dr Lawrence Weiman @Ispeakfeline
Of my siblings I was probably most like my father which was the single worst thing he gave me. He was an unemotional but he did not even /try/ to understand anything, he was not curious, he was not intelligent.
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Sunday, ******** avatar AMERICA JONES @******** i am though
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Sunday, ******** avatar AMERICA JONES @******** wasnt around too much
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Sunday, 7:26pm Ispeakfeline's avatar Dr Lawrence Weiman @Ispeakfeline
I suppose you had more of a relationship with your father in lieu of your mother. I wonder if you are anything like him.
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Sunday, 7:14pm Ispeakfeline's avatar Dr Lawrence Weiman @Ispeakfeline
Back then I do not know what motivated me. There were times when nothing did.
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Sunday, 7:13pm Ispeakfeline's avatar Dr Lawrence Weiman @Ispeakfeline
Neither of which I was capable of supplying.
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Sunday, 7:12pm Ispeakfeline's avatar Dr Lawrence Weiman @Ispeakfeline
I did not know what they wanted from me. Other than to stop being an embarrassment or inconvenience.
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Sunday, ******** avatar AMERICA JONES @******** that what moves you in particular isnt it
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Sunday, ******** avatar AMERICA JONES @******** must not have wanted much from then
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Sunday, 7:11pm Ispeakfeline's avatar Dr Lawrence Weiman @Ispeakfeline
Perhaps they do, I do not particularly see their influence upon me.
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Sunday, 7:10pm Ispeakfeline's avatar Dr Lawrence Weiman @Ispeakfeline
I think it always bothered my parents that I was never too attached to them. My father was crude and unmotivated to better himself, my mother was lazy. I suppose I do owe it to them that I sought to distance myself as far as possible from that life.
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Sunday, ******** avatar AMERICA JONES @******** shape us even after were grown for good or bad
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Sunday, ******** avatar AMERICA JONES @******** theyre kind of a big deal
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Sunday, 7:08pm Ispeakfeline's avatar Dr Lawrence Weiman @Ispeakfeline
I suppose it would be difficult to have any sort of relationship with someone who was nothing more than a question mark. I was merely asking because so many people seem to put such weight on their parents and their influence.
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Sunday, ******** avatar AMERICA JONES @******** just dont have much to say about her
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Sunday, ******** avatar AMERICA JONES @******** know how you are
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Sunday, 7:06pm Ispeakfeline's avatar Dr Lawrence Weiman @Ispeakfeline
Forgive me for being prying, it is just hard to be disinterested in the person who is the very centre of your world.
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Sunday, 6:59pm Ispeakfeline's avatar Dr Lawrence Weiman @Ispeakfeline
Oh.
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Sunday, ******** avatar AMERICA JONES @********/> More options
Sunday, 6:56pm Ispeakfeline's avatar Dr Lawrence Weiman @Ispeakfeline
Did you ever hear what she was like? Admittedly through the lens of other people's bias.
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Sunday, 6:56pm Ispeakfeline's avatar Dr Lawrence Weiman @Ispeakfeline
Ah. I would say I'm sorry to hear that but you know I'm not one to pity.
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Sunday, ******** avatar AMERICA JONES @******** birth to me
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Sunday, 6:43pm Ispeakfeline's avatar Dr Lawrence Weiman @Ispeakfeline
Always dead?
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Sunday, ******** avatar AMERICA JONES @********/> More options
Sunday, 6:15pm Ispeakfeline's avatar Dr Lawrence Weiman @Ispeakfeline
What was your mother like?
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Sunday, 2:07am Ispeakfeline's avatar Dr Lawrence Weiman @Ispeakfeline
Jag älskar dig <3
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7 May 16, 7:38pm Ispeakfeline's avatar Dr Lawrence Weiman @Ispeakfeline
You know the most content I can remember being was sleeping next to you in the sahara.
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7 May 16, ******** avatar AMERICA JONES @******** of us can be tired
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7 May 16, ******** avatar AMERICA JONES @********/> More options
7 May 16, ******** avatar AMERICA JONES @********/> More options
7 May 16, 7:33pm Ispeakfeline's avatar Dr Lawrence Weiman @Ispeakfeline
Your constant hatred tires me out. Doesn't deter but frankly exhausts me.
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7 May 16, ******** avatar AMERICA JONES @********/> More options
7 May 16, 7:18pm Ispeakfeline's avatar Dr Lawrence Weiman @Ispeakfeline
Yes, that would be too much mercy on an injured man.
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7 May 16, ******** avatar AMERICA JONES @******** not gonna help you
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7 May 16, 7:10pm Ispeakfeline's avatar Dr Lawrence Weiman @Ispeakfeline
Either way it is an inconvenience I would rather avoid, I would be able to increase my time spent with you admirably.
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7 May 16, ******** avatar AMERICA JONES @********/> More options
7 May 16, 7:06pm Ispeakfeline's avatar Dr Lawrence Weiman @Ispeakfeline
Wooing.
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7 May 16, ******** avatar AMERICA JONES @********/> More options
7 May 16, 7:05pm Ispeakfeline's avatar Dr Lawrence Weiman @Ispeakfeline
I all but live in towns as it is, it would simply be more convenient if I did not have to walk half way across the island to get a shower or the bathroom when I am visiting you.
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7 May 16, 7:04pm Ispeakfeline's avatar Dr Lawrence Weiman @Ispeakfeline
Though I see you gave the house away.
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7 May 16, 6:35pm Ispeakfeline's avatar Dr Lawrence Weiman @Ispeakfeline
I think at some point I would like to live in the towns.
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6 May 16, 5:18pm Ispeakfeline's avatar Dr Lawrence Weiman @Ispeakfeline
If that is what you were calling my failure to attend you dutifully then yes.
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6 May 16, ******** avatar AMERICA JONES @******** you feeling better mean my stalker vacation is over
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6 May 16, ******** avatar AMERICA JONES @******** enjoy
Posted: Sat May 14, 2016 6:17 am
Horace
Horace @nokoni_island
I didn't expect you to
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Friday, 11:33pm Ispeakfeline's avatar Dr Lawrence Weiman @Ispeakfeline
Friday, 9:56pm Ispeakfeline's avatar Dr Lawrence Weiman @Ispeakfeline
I didn't say that? But it just seems excessive and something she probably suspects. Not that you can prove anything and I state that I do nothing so crass.
Wednesday, 4:49pm Ispeakfeline's avatar Dr Lawrence Weiman @Ispeakfeline
Well yes that is a given, I have theoretically only a miniscule number of people I can now sleep with without doing damage to them and those people might not even wish to sleep with me any longer. And yes volatile, pent up, bordering aggression.
It's not about you vs the rain - it's just different types of rain and you 'inviting me in' is just me being exposed to both instead of one.
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10:37pm Ispeakfeline's avatar Dr Lawrence Weiman @Ispeakfeline
There will be a room for you in my house regardless if you want it or not. It can sit empty for ever.
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10:30pm Ispeakfeline's avatar Dr Lawrence Weiman @Ispeakfeline
And the only thing I can draw from that is either you like being in the rain or you would choose it over me. Neither is appealing to me and I don't know how much I can endure it.
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10:29pm Ispeakfeline's avatar Dr Lawrence Weiman @Ispeakfeline
But I give up Horace, I am tired. I keep leaving my door open (metaphorically) for you, hoping you'll come in and join me but you never do.
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10:28pm Ispeakfeline's avatar Dr Lawrence Weiman @Ispeakfeline
Only because you immediately did what I had dreaded and instantly told me I could not feel and that my statement did not count.
I'm glad I could occupy your thoughts for just a bit while you called me cretin.
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10:25pm Ispeakfeline's avatar Dr Lawrence Weiman @Ispeakfeline
I wasn't thinking of her at all there, thinking of the past with you, but you've brought it back again, the sick restlessness. For a moment it was /just you/.
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10:24pm Ispeakfeline's avatar Dr Lawrence Weiman @Ispeakfeline
I can enjoy things, I can appreciate things. There are things you are capable of, there are things which make you uniquely you, but if you want to make it some flat tolerance so be it. As far as America, it is difficult, I /do/ get angry when people bring her up, I am trying to work through it. Bringing her up just blights me with thoughts of her.
Of course I don't want to be part of a house where I have no use except as a functional blow up doll.
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10:14pm Ispeakfeline's avatar Dr Lawrence Weiman @Ispeakfeline
And by the by, you say you can't hurt me and maybe you can't in the usual way people can be hurt, but you can wound me and leave me uncertain of myself like you very ably did when you attacked me apparently out of nowhere verbally and ended us sleeping together recently.
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10:12pm Ispeakfeline's avatar Dr Lawrence Weiman @Ispeakfeline
And I do not ask you to tolerate them as your friends but not constantly being bitter about them would be a start. I wish you could be part of the home I am building here but it is obvious to me that you don't want that.
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10:12pm Ispeakfeline's avatar Dr Lawrence Weiman @Ispeakfeline
Just because they are your friends does not make them mine. I don't particularly care about Rodney, though I hope he escaped your STD - he's just the weird religious kid. Melvin was my friend and used it against me so we are no longer friends, if we ever actually were.
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9:59pm Ispeakfeline's avatar Dr Lawrence Weiman @Ispeakfeline
And of course I thought about inviting you but I didn't want to distress you with it when I don't doubt for a moment that if you managed to make yourself feel obligated to be there you would simply resent every single moment in the company of those I call friends.
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9:58pm Ispeakfeline's avatar Dr Lawrence Weiman @Ispeakfeline
But that is no longer an issue. I am in control of everything, even my libido to an extent, I am comfortable. I renovated a home for myself and for a time I almost didn't even invite Rodney or Melvin.
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9:56pm Ispeakfeline's avatar Dr Lawrence Weiman @Ispeakfeline
To protect you from further harm, I was out of control at that point and slipping further. It was perhaps one of the few good things I did back then.
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9:56pm Ispeakfeline's avatar Dr Lawrence Weiman @Ispeakfeline
I don't understand why you are always so angry at Melvin and Rodney when all they want is what I can ably give them, you didn't want that, you wanted more and then you wanted their slices and consider anything I can give you simply scraps.
I wasn't implying you get rid of them. There is no room for me in that part of your life and you still constantly say there is - like pointing to an inch of space and saying "sit here" when it's clearly impossible.
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9:45pm Ispeakfeline's avatar Dr Lawrence Weiman @Ispeakfeline
The old you entirely exists and is the same you that is present right now, you've just gotten spoiled with your own self pity. You need some authority and control within your own mind, whip it into shape.
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9:45pm Ispeakfeline's avatar Dr Lawrence Weiman @Ispeakfeline
Did you write that on your blog?
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9:44pm Ispeakfeline's avatar Dr Lawrence Weiman @Ispeakfeline
Maybe the me that is now has been altered too much to ever go back to the 'old me'.
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9:41pm Ispeakfeline's avatar Dr Lawrence Weiman @Ispeakfeline
If that wasn't implying that I get rid of them then I don't know what is.
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9:40pm Ispeakfeline's avatar Dr Lawrence Weiman @Ispeakfeline
Its implicit in the subtext of every single thing you say to me. I try to speak to you as a dear friend, as a lover and every time you throw it back in my face with a cry of "but what about THEM"
9:35pm Ispeakfeline's avatar Dr Lawrence Weiman @Ispeakfeline
I don't know what I want from you, perhaps just the old you. But maybe I can never have that again without getting rid of all my friends. That's abusive Horace, just so you know.
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9:34pm Ispeakfeline's avatar Dr Lawrence Weiman @Ispeakfeline
I miss the you that was, the you that was Horace, an individual in his own right with his own opinions and comments, with feelings and opinions. Not this ridiculous shadow who is just "Not-Melvin" or "Not-Rodney", you are not either of them, you are someone else, but I'm not allowed to care about you without you simply pointing to both of them and shrieking.
9:32pm Ispeakfeline's avatar Dr Lawrence Weiman @Ispeakfeline
Just self ostracism, and for what? So you can play the martyr, the one who left for everyone else's good, just to cry and complain.
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9:31pm Ispeakfeline's avatar Dr Lawrence Weiman @Ispeakfeline
Maybe the fact I hardly speak with you anymore is because that is all that you are capable of talking about, all I hear is just vitriolic jealousy and nothing of the person I cared about once upon a time. Just constantly oh but you have someone else, oh I'm not good enough boo hoo hoo.
Sometimes I think it'd be great if I could hurt you. But I don't think I can. I can irritate you, but hurt? That implies a level of importance I've never held.
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9:26pm Ispeakfeline's avatar Dr Lawrence Weiman @Ispeakfeline
9:22pm Ispeakfeline's avatar Dr Lawrence Weiman @Ispeakfeline
It isn't even deliberate. And do you never think maybe you hurt me? Maybe you hurt me all the time.
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9:21pm Ispeakfeline's avatar Dr Lawrence Weiman @Ispeakfeline
Perhaps you shouldn't be so bloody easy to hurt.
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9:21pm Ispeakfeline's avatar Dr Lawrence Weiman @Ispeakfeline
I'm divine but I am also human, I am all things. Father, son and spirit. And just so you know, you cannot use a statement from the past made by ME to refute a statement of the present also made by ME. No iteration trumps the present one.
I don't ask you to do anything; I don't ask you to be anything! You've said before you don't love me, can't love me - it's fact. When I say "you don't miss me" it's because you -don't-
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9:16pm Ispeakfeline's avatar Dr Lawrence Weiman @Ispeakfeline
Its never allowed to simply /be/.
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9:13pm Ispeakfeline's avatar Dr Lawrence Weiman @Ispeakfeline
It's just greed.
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9:13pm Ispeakfeline's avatar Dr Lawrence Weiman @Ispeakfeline
Whenever you say you don't miss me, you don't love me, you don't whatever, its just asking more of me, demanding that I make some gesture of devotion.
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9:13pm Ispeakfeline's avatar Dr Lawrence Weiman @Ispeakfeline
Don't tell me what I do and don't you jumped up selfish little cretin. I can feel however I want without having to /prove/ it to you.
8:24am Ispeakfeline's avatar Dr Lawrence Michaels @Ispeakfeline
Its a horrible situation.
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8:23am Ispeakfeline's avatar Dr Lawrence Michaels @Ispeakfeline
I didn't decide. He invalidated who I am right now by getting up in my business, and then I defaulted to Jan who doesn't care about infidelity. If someone starts kissing me and touching me I don't know what exactly to do other than go for it.
Wednesday, 12:58pm Ispeakfeline's avatar Dr Lawrence Michaels @Ispeakfeline
You were right about everything you ever said about me.
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22 Feb 17, 8:06am Ispeakfeline's avatar Dr Lawrence Michaels @Ispeakfeline
I don't think so?
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22 Feb 17, 2:34am nokoni_island's avatar Horace @nokoni_island
So did Rodney replace her?
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21 Feb 17, 8:08am Ispeakfeline's avatar Dr Lawrence Michaels @Ispeakfeline
Maybe, I don't want her any longer, not the same way I did.
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21 Feb 17, 2:26am nokoni_island's avatar Horace @nokoni_island
Is it because America went away for that long while?
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20 Feb 17, 11:18pm Ispeakfeline's avatar Dr Lawrence Michaels @Ispeakfeline
These days it is mostly true you know. I've calmed down somewhat.
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20 Feb 17, 11:12pm nokoni_island's avatar Horace @nokoni_island
That's not entirely true and you know it.
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18 Feb 17, 11:44pm Ispeakfeline's avatar Dr Lawrence Michaels @Ispeakfeline
Insulting me is about the only thing that can.
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18 Feb 17, 11:00pm nokoni_island's avatar Horace @nokoni_island
You also have a hair trigger temper and no one can predict what sets it off.
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18 Feb 17, 9:02pm Ispeakfeline's avatar Dr Lawrence Michaels @Ispeakfeline
I'm actually a very dutiful and diligent husband.
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18 Feb 17, 5:05pm nokoni_island's avatar Horace @nokoni_island
I also wouldn't want to be married to you, for any reason pretty much.
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18 Feb 17, 5:04pm nokoni_island's avatar Horace @nokoni_island
No, I'd hate to be married for such a shitty reason. Does he know that's the only reason you married him?
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18 Feb 17, 5:01pm Ispeakfeline's avatar Dr Lawrence Michaels @Ispeakfeline
Are you just mad you didn't think of it?
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18 Feb 17, 4:37pm nokoni_island's avatar Horace @nokoni_island
Marrying just for the promise of sex.
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18 Feb 17, 8:27am Ispeakfeline's avatar Dr Lawrence Michaels @Ispeakfeline
What is?
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18 Feb 17, 12:03am nokoni_island's avatar Horace @nokoni_island
That's weak, even for you.
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12 Feb 17, 7:54pm nokoni_island's avatar Horace @nokoni_island
whoa
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12 Feb 17, 7:53pm Ispeakfeline's avatar Dr Lawrence Michaels @Ispeakfeline
Fourteen!
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12 Feb 17, 6:53pm nokoni_island's avatar Horace @nokoni_island
how old are you
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1 Jan 17, 10:46am Ispeakfeline's avatar Dr Lawrence Michaels @Ispeakfeline
I'm not, like I said, I wanted to be honest.
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1 Jan 17, 3:42am nokoni_island's avatar Horace @nokoni_island
I hope you're pleased with yourself.
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1 Jan 17, 3:36am nokoni_island's avatar Horace @nokoni_island
I'll wait and watch.
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1 Jan 17, 3:35am Ispeakfeline's avatar Dr Lawrence Michaels @Ispeakfeline
I don't know. Hopefully never.
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1 Jan 17, 3:32am nokoni_island's avatar Horace @nokoni_island
I wonder when you'll fall.
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1 Jan 17, 3:31am Ispeakfeline's avatar Dr Lawrence Michaels @Ispeakfeline
I have had a few harsh awakenings.
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1 Jan 17, 3:30am nokoni_island's avatar Horace @nokoni_island
It's too bad you're making an effort now.
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1 Jan 17, 3:26am Ispeakfeline's avatar Dr Lawrence Michaels @Ispeakfeline
I probably would have just made you suffer or tried to. Externalising my discomfort. I don't want to air those responses any longer though, I want to make good and sensible ones again.
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1 Jan 17, 3:22am nokoni_island's avatar Horace @nokoni_island
What would you do?
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1 Jan 17, 3:21am Ispeakfeline's avatar Dr Lawrence Michaels @Ispeakfeline
For leaving. Even if it was my fault. Part of me still wants to lash out that you let it happen.
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1 Jan 17, 3:18am nokoni_island's avatar Horace @nokoni_island
Vengeance for what?
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1 Jan 17, 3:17am Ispeakfeline's avatar Dr Lawrence Michaels @Ispeakfeline
I suppose right now Rodney is that fixation and its results. Melvin would be the other side of it. I've done what I can to set both him and you go though, with minimal vengeance, though I have wanted it.
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1 Jan 17, 3:16am Ispeakfeline's avatar Dr Lawrence Michaels @Ispeakfeline
You were. There is my most important and beloved person and then there is the object of my fixation which is different in some ways.
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1 Jan 17, 3:15am nokoni_island's avatar Horace @nokoni_island
Guess Rodney got that pretty easy, though.
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1 Jan 17, 3:15am nokoni_island's avatar Horace @nokoni_island
Of course it isn't healthy. But I wanted to be your most important.
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1 Jan 17, 3:14am Ispeakfeline's avatar Dr Lawrence Michaels @Ispeakfeline
It would have been horrible for you in the end. It isn't healthy.
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1 Jan 17, 3:13am nokoni_island's avatar Horace @nokoni_island
I used to what to be that for you.
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1 Jan 17, 3:12am Ispeakfeline's avatar Dr Lawrence Michaels @Ispeakfeline
I wouldn't know until they left.
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1 Jan 17, 3:11am nokoni_island's avatar Horace @nokoni_island
Is Rodney then? Is that how it works?
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1 Jan 17, 3:10am Ispeakfeline's avatar Dr Lawrence Michaels @Ispeakfeline
She isn't my goddess any longer.
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1 Jan 17, 3:10am Ispeakfeline's avatar Dr Lawrence Michaels @Ispeakfeline
I am free from America. She was gone too long and was too distant for such a very long time. I found a different stability in a home of my own creating.
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1 Jan 17, 3:09am nokoni_island's avatar Horace @nokoni_island
Your sense of America can be desperate & strange. I hope Rodney's ok with that.
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1 Jan 17, 3:05am Ispeakfeline's avatar Dr Lawrence Michaels @Ispeakfeline
I know. I tried. But my sense of possessiveness can be desperate and strange.
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1 Jan 17, 3:04am nokoni_island's avatar Horace @nokoni_island
You sure showed it funny.
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1 Jan 17, 2:56am Ispeakfeline's avatar Dr Lawrence Michaels @Ispeakfeline
No I did care. I've come to understand more about how I function. It might be differently from other people but there are things I do care about.
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1 Jan 17, 2:53am nokoni_island's avatar Horace @nokoni_island
But you don't care. You just liked the sex.
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1 Jan 17, 2:51am Ispeakfeline's avatar Dr Lawrence Michaels @Ispeakfeline
And it's weird.
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1 Jan 17, 2:51am Ispeakfeline's avatar Dr Lawrence Michaels @Ispeakfeline
Because I still care about you.
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1 Jan 17, 2:49am nokoni_island's avatar Horace @nokoni_island
why do you care
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1 Jan 17, 2:47am Ispeakfeline's avatar Dr Lawrence Michaels @Ispeakfeline
Don't you dare.
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1 Jan 17, 2:45am nokoni_island's avatar Horace @nokoni_island
s**t maybe I should give Mik the time of day.
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1 Jan 17, 2:45am nokoni_island's avatar Horace @nokoni_island
I suppose my single forever status didn't matter.
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1 Jan 17, 2:44am nokoni_island's avatar Horace @nokoni_island
You would have still dated Melvin. Hah
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1 Jan 17, 2:43am Ispeakfeline's avatar Dr Lawrence Michaels @Ispeakfeline
Either way this is the situation I am in now. If I slip up, he's single for ever. Better hope I never slip up.
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1 Jan 17, 2:43am Ispeakfeline's avatar Dr Lawrence Michaels @Ispeakfeline
Maybe if you had nothing would have happened.
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1 Jan 17, 2:41am nokoni_island's avatar Horace @nokoni_island
I'm so glad I never lived in your ******** house.
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1 Jan 17, 2:41am nokoni_island's avatar Horace @nokoni_island
That is so utterly ridiculous.
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1 Jan 17, 2:39am Ispeakfeline's avatar Dr Lawrence Michaels @Ispeakfeline
Not far off it actually. I kept turning his monogamy down because not my style and then I rescued him and there was an incident and now I am in this situation.
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1 Jan 17, 2:35am nokoni_island's avatar Horace @nokoni_island
What'd you do, trip over him and your d**k fell in and now you suddenly have to be monogamous?
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1 Jan 17, 2:35am nokoni_island's avatar Horace @nokoni_island
compromised?
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1 Jan 17, 2:34am Ispeakfeline's avatar Dr Lawrence Michaels @Ispeakfeline
It wasn't exactly what I wanted all right. I was compromised.
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1 Jan 17, 2:34am Ispeakfeline's avatar Dr Lawrence Michaels @Ispeakfeline
...maybe.
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1 Jan 17, 2:33am nokoni_island's avatar Horace @nokoni_island
Wow. Rodney, really?
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1 Jan 17, 2:29am nokoni_island's avatar Horace @nokoni_island
Why would you tell anyone that haha
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1 Jan 17, 2:28am Ispeakfeline's avatar Dr Lawrence Michaels @********/> More options
1 Jan 17, 2:28am Ispeakfeline's avatar Dr Lawrence Michaels @Ispeakfeline
I ...might...have..mentioned..
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1 Jan 17, 2:27am nokoni_island's avatar Horace @nokoni_island
You can only hope no one tells him how much better barebacking can be
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1 Jan 17, 2:27am nokoni_island's avatar Horace @nokoni_island
Well, he's been told about condoms.
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1 Jan 17, 2:26am Ispeakfeline's avatar Dr Lawrence Michaels @Ispeakfeline
He's been trying to romance males and females.
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1 Jan 17, 2:26am Ispeakfeline's avatar Dr Lawrence Michaels @Ispeakfeline
Wouldn't he?
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1 Jan 17, 2:22am nokoni_island's avatar Horace @nokoni_island
Genes? It's not like he'd impregnate anyone.
Baneful Crew
Dramatic Hunter
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Baneful Crew
Dramatic Hunter
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Posted: Fri Apr 14, 2017 4:20 pm
Bottom to top
Dr Lawrence Michaels @Ispeakfeline
I'm honestly and truly sorry I hurt you, it was something I never wanted to do.
Maybe it is my fault, for telling you I would forgive you if you were working on it and trying and if it mattered to you, for softening that line. I should have just…it should have been it the first time.
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2:50am Ispeakfeline's avatar Dr Lawrence Michaels @Ispeakfeline
Like telling a man dying of thirst that at least he has food.
I was happy too. Yes, that’s what it was for me. It meant…it was because I knew you and loved you. It was growing closer.
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2:19am Ispeakfeline's avatar Dr Lawrence Michaels @Ispeakfeline
I feel like I can't win, that I'm trapped. No matter what I do or where I go I hurt someone. I just want to leave. All of this, the island, the house, all of it.
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2:17am Ispeakfeline's avatar Dr Lawrence Michaels @Ispeakfeline
It just made it easier to trivialise casual sex though, as something different.
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2:17am Ispeakfeline's avatar Dr Lawrence Michaels @Ispeakfeline
I don't even feel right calling it sex, its the first time I've found the term making love appropriate. It was something else.
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2:15am Ispeakfeline's avatar Dr Lawrence Michaels @Ispeakfeline
I was happy married to you. Even the sex was different, there was something more to it, something I didn't get time to understand or explore. I don't know.
2:11am Ispeakfeline's avatar Dr Lawrence Michaels @Ispeakfeline
But I do and I would have. The house feels very empty and it seems to go deeper than the house. You say it is as simple as not being able to be with you sexually, but you aren't here and maybe you won't be here the same as before again.
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2:09am Ispeakfeline's avatar Dr Lawrence Michaels @Ispeakfeline
I don't like to regret things. It comes close to admitting that I don't recognise the decisions I make at times when I look back on them later.
That’s…important. All that’s important, to me. If you did regret it. If you’d do it differently, if you’d try, and not give up. I’m not…stopping you from being with other people. Even if you promised you wouldn’t. I just can’t be with you if you are.
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1:59am Ispeakfeline's avatar Dr Lawrence Michaels @Ispeakfeline
I want to make it better but I can't. There's nothing I can do. There was just a point marked here and no further and now I'm beyond it and the way is shut. I suppose I'd have understood it if it was someone else, a stranger or someone unaffiliated with this whole situation. But it wasn't, it was Melvin. I won't argue about it, I don't think I was right to do it and if I could go back to that moment I wouldn't. But in the instant I was just bitter about the way things were. I wanted to just be friends with him, I tried. I talked only by text to begin with in the hope it would keep him focused but it didn't. I don't know. It wasn't right but what good does even admitting that do?
It was enough for me. If you could have just been friends with him I wouldn’t have minded. If you hadn’t gone, it wouldn’t have happened. If you’d called me, I would have come. And you went to get the collar, which you didn’t have to wear. I know you wanted to give up, so you didn’t have to try. You knew it was the one important thing, and that’s why you broke it. But now it’s broken, and it was personal and deliberate, and you know how it is, and why it is, you…you have the tree from the garden of eden on your coat. But it’s all…it’s the most personal thing you could have violated. You saw what I was like the first time it happened, and you did it again anyway, and it was…it’s worse this time. It’s all lost. I can’t take off your ring. You don’t even want to make it better, you just want to argue about how you were right to do it to me.
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1:35am Ispeakfeline's avatar Dr Lawrence Michaels @Ispeakfeline
Because I am alone on this island other than you and Melvin and because I wasn't even allowed to speak to him. I went down there to see him intending to prove to you that I could do it, that I could be around him and not slip up. I wanted to come back with good news and progress. Then he got flirty and I realised I couldn't. There was too much pride involved in calling you there, too much admitting I was wrong. I suppose at that point I just said to myself why keep postponing the inevitable? What I have to give you isn't enough, just as it is frequently not enough for other people.
Why wasn’t it important enough to keep? sad Why did it only take a few months to break your promise?
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1:26am Ispeakfeline's avatar Dr Lawrence Michaels @Ispeakfeline
It was the most important thing to me, even if you keep saying it didn't matter to me, I know that isn't true. I didn't "let go" I don't know what I did. I got tired of always being afraid, of always feeling lost and isolated. I hated resenting you when I loved you so much.
12:58am Ispeakfeline's avatar Dr Lawrence Michaels @Ispeakfeline
I don't know how it is in any way like sleeping with them, I shower, I am not some filthy animal, nor for that matter is Melvin. But don't do it, don't do it any longer, withdraw sex and then just use it as a prelude to withdraw everything else. You already moved out, it should be easy, you wouldn't even need to be subtle.
I meant it too. And if you were trying, it would be different, but you stopped trying. It’s horrible for me. You sleeping with someone else, then sleeping with me, it’s like I’m sleeping with them. I don’t want to sleep with anyone else. I can’t stomach it. I won’t do it. And I can’t do it anymore. Dr Lawrence Michaels @Ispeakfeline
I hate it, I hate this situation. Everyone is so stubborn. I am not changing my name, I am not giving the ring back, because I meant what I said and even if you move the goalposts, I meant what I said to you. I'm not retracting any of it.
I’m happy for the short time we had. I wouldn’t have been with anyone else.
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12:28am Ispeakfeline's avatar Dr Lawrence Michaels @Ispeakfeline
I don't know why I believed you, I just wanted to so much.
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12:28am Ispeakfeline's avatar Dr Lawrence Michaels @Ispeakfeline
A look at someone elses redemption, something I couldn't have. Maybe you should just have left me where I was, Melvin wouldn't have gotten hurt and you'd not have to deal with this conflict.
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12:27am Ispeakfeline's avatar Dr Lawrence Michaels @Ispeakfeline
And then you deluded me into thinking I could, that I could be something other than what I am. It was almost cruel.
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12:27am Ispeakfeline's avatar Dr Lawrence Michaels @Ispeakfeline
I knew this would happen, I knew it from the moment you first said to me I could have a relationship with you if only I could do that one thing and I told you that I could not.
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12:26am Ispeakfeline's avatar Dr Lawrence Michaels @Ispeakfeline
It was just Melvin! Melvin who I was with when I met you, Melvin who I've been with since.
The man you wanted to be is still possible. You can still strive towards good things, and to make good choices, to help instead of harm.
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12:16am Ispeakfeline's avatar Dr Lawrence Michaels @Ispeakfeline
It does matter that it's gone because I know more than anyone that it's not the only thing you'll withdraw. I know how people work, it starts with sex and then before you know it, it's all of you. It's avoiding me, it's finding new friends, it's saying its too painful, it's any number of things. You said you wouldn't leave but you did and you will and I knew you would.
You can treat it and me as ridiculous but the result is the same and we can’t sleep together again. I’m sorrier than anyone. I know that the marriage meant something more to sex than you and sex was the least of it. All those things are still true. But if you had sex with other people because sex was the least important part, then it shouldn’t matter that it’s gone from our relationship. I still love you. But to me, the other was our friendship, and the fidelity was our marriage. We still have a friendship. We no longer have a marriage.
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Friday, 11:48pm Ispeakfeline's avatar Dr Lawrence Michaels @Ispeakfeline
But you'd rather be dramatic, off on your own because of some rules you just made up.
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Friday, 11:47pm Ispeakfeline's avatar Dr Lawrence Michaels @Ispeakfeline
Melvin doesn't even mind you, he didn't and doesn't have a problem with me still being with you.
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Friday, 11:47pm Ispeakfeline's avatar Dr Lawrence Michaels @Ispeakfeline
And not fair to Melvin
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Friday, 11:47pm Ispeakfeline's avatar Dr Lawrence Michaels @Ispeakfeline
It was ridiculous and unreasonable.
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Friday, 11:46pm Ispeakfeline's avatar Dr Lawrence Michaels @Ispeakfeline
Which isn’t as good as hearing Melvin, I guess. I hope you’re happier with the way things were.
Posted: Tue Apr 18, 2017 11:06 pm
Rodney would be happier/sleep better sleeping next to Lawrence
but he'd be like ...you'd....Melvin's probably waiting for you
Banefulness-Yesterday at 10:34 PM
Lawr'd be like its melvin
he doesn't mind what I do
Hes like I don't come home pretty often
Toshi-Yesterday at 10:34 PM
Rodney is like, -a sad yes- @ it's melvin
He's like -even omre sad feelings @ home-
Banefulness-Yesterday at 10:36 PM
Lawr'd be like :l
I don't come to the house very often at night time to sleep
is that better
Toshi-Yesterday at 10:36 PM
Rodney: No...it's, right. That's...your home, with him.
Rodney's just so ******** sad about it
Banefulness-Yesterday at 10:50 PM
Lawrs not
very happy about it either
he's happy to be able to hang out with melvin
Toshi-Yesterday at 10:50 PM
and the like
sleeping with as many people as he can
just feels like a widened and uncrossable gulf to Rodney
Banefulness-Yesterday at 10:53 PM
When to lawr its like
trying to fill the void
left behind with /something/
like this worked before why isn't it now
Banefulness-Yesterday at 11:11 PM
Lawr wouldn't really feel good
But he doesn't understand emotions or anything like that
He'd just kind of be curled around the gap in his life where rodney was
and would feel it at night especially and when he was enthused about like
something complicated
Like something weird like looking at a sunrise
Toshi-Yesterday at 11:12 PM
Rodney just, does feel the hole very keenly, ragged and empty and hurting and he doesn't have anyone or anything to put there
Banefulness-Yesterday at 11:12 PM
And being like all these colours say that the image should be angry, that it should be all rage and fury, noise and chaos. If it was a painting that would be what it meant.
But it doesn't mean that does it?
Toshi-Yesterday at 11:14 PM
Rodney's like, "That's Thomas. Rage against the dying of the light."
Rodney: It...goes away, it comes back again, both are...necessary.
Rodney: But it's...not wrong to feel angry.
Banefulness-Yesterday at 11:16 PM
Lawr: I don't feel angry. I wish I did.
Lawr: I'd know when what I was going to do next.
Toshi-Yesterday at 11:16 PM
Rodney: With...losing something you loved and enjoyed, like, the sunlight.
Banefulness-Yesterday at 11:16 PM
Lawr: Was something cruel or spiteful
Lawr: Or a tantrum.
Lawr: I used to attack my brothers when I got angry as a child. Quite viciously. I couldn't really deal with frustration.
Lawr: Can you be angry about losing freedom?
Toshi-Yesterday at 11:18 PM
Rodney: Yes.
Rodney: I'm...sorry it was too hard, that I came with too many limitations.
Banefulness-Yesterday at 11:19 PM
Lawr: I think I was just
Lawr: Frustrated
Lawr: And I don't know what to do with it.
Toshi-Yesterday at 11:19 PM
Rodney: -softly- You took what you wanted.
Rodney: Even if it meant letting go of me.
Banefulness-Yesterday at 11:20 PM
Lawr: I don't know if it was what I wanted.
Lawr: Or just. Anger.
Toshi-Yesterday at 11:20 PM
Rodney: -shoulders shaking- And, you'd do it again, because...it was- constantly bothering you.
Banefulness-Yesterday at 11:20 PM
Lawr: I don't feel like I gained anything.
Lawr: I didn't understand what was bothering me or why
Lawr:I should have taken the medicine
Lawr: Probably.
Toshi-Yesterday at 11:23 PM
Rodney: -laughing a little in a shaky close to crying kind of way- Ha - ha. You're...like a cat who wants to be on the side of the door he isn't on.
Banefulness-Yesterday at 11:23 PM
Lawr: That's probably..accurate
Lawr: And no matter what side I'm on, someone is hurt.
Lawr: Maybe the answer is that I'm the problem.
Toshi-Yesterday at 11:25 PM
Rodney: I just...wish you'd meant to keep me.
Banefulness-Yesterday at 11:25 PM
Lawr: I did. Don't you think this bothers me?
Lawr: I feel like I had everything I could have wanted and I can't even understand.
Lawr: Why I'd throw it away.
Lawr: Malkam was starting to tolerate me, things were slowly working.
Lawr: I don't know
Toshi-Yesterday at 11:26 PM
Rodney: I don't know. I was happy.
Banefulness-Yesterday at 11:27 PM
Lawr: So was I.
Lawr: It was just that the world outside my bubble seemed more and more tempting, more and more fantastical the longer I looked at it.
Lawr: And it turns out its just the exact same as I remember it.
Lawr: Just a little worse with perspective.
Toshi-Yesterday at 11:29 PM
Rodney: Y-yes. I'm...back outside too.
Rodney: It was...really good, while it lasted.
Banefulness-Yesterday at 11:29 PM
Lawr: Life doesn't have enough chances for me.
Lawr: I think is my ultimate problem
Toshi-Yesterday at 11:30 PM
Rodney: You can ask Melvin's well-being to be taken off your debt, anyway.
Rodney: I'm not in his division.
Banefulness-Yesterday at 11:31 PM
Lawr: I don't care about the debt.
Toshi-Yesterday at 11:31 PM
Rodney: And...I cant' do much for the organization anyway.
Banefulness-Yesterday at 11:31 PM
Lawr: I mean. I care about it, but at the same time I don't.
Lawr: I'm just a lot of problems.
Lawr: Which could be very easily solved.
Lawr: And in a way where everyone would be even.
Toshi-Yesterday at 11:32 PM
Rodney: ...How?
Banefulness-Yesterday at 11:32 PM
Lawr: /shrug
Toshi-Yesterday at 11:34 PM
Rodney: No, I m-mean, how could it have been easily solved?
Rodney: We...weren't together for so long because it wasn't, and it all...it all turned out the same.
Banefulness-Yesterday at 11:35 PM
Lawr: If I wasn't here, both Melvin and you would be sad, it'd be unpleasant but fair.
Lawr: No one would feel they were chosen over the other.
Toshi-Yesterday at 11:38 PM
Rodney: No, that's...I'm upset because you're gone. Not...because someone else- oh, I don't know, I'm upset about that too, I'm sick at the thought of you being with anyone else, but there's n-nothing I can do, you'll just...go on with it- you...not being here at all is much worse, though, you're...still my closest friend. I don't c-care about fair, I just...I just want you...
Banefulness-Yesterday at 11:39 PM
Lawr: Upset because I'm gone but not upset enough to ever want me back.
Toshi-Yesterday at 11:39 PM
Rodney: Of course I want you back.
Rodney: Just you.
Rodney: It's...sex is, it's this- b-bond, physical, emotional, and it's...I've said it before, now it's like...I'm sharing it with all these- strangers, I hate the feeling, I can't handle it, I...
Rodney: It's...it's as if every time you were leading them back to our bed and saying, you can do what you like with him, and-
Banefulness-Yesterday at 11:41 PM
Lawr: When I'd never do that, obviously.
Lawr: But if this is about some sort of "cooties" thing, I've always been tarnished.
Toshi-Yesterday at 11:43 PM
Rodney: If...if it's a closed circuit, you- you said your vows, I said mine, and everything forward, it was only between us. And...was only going to be between us.
Banefulness-Yesterday at 11:44 PM
Lawr: /hangs his head
Lawr: I don't know.
Lawr: Whatever it was, I messed it up.
Lawr: I didn't talk enough.
Lawr: I just let the bitterness well up in me like momentum
Toshi-Yesterday at 11:45 PM
Rodney: -crying now- I thought we were talking.
Banefulness-Yesterday at 11:45 PM
Lawr: You were.
Lawr: I don't think I was talking enough, or making sure I talked till I felt differently or understood.
Lawr: I just talked till the subject changed instead
Lawr: I don't understand things quickly, people get bored.
Toshi-Yesterday at 11:47 PM
Rodney: It...it comes down to it, yes, I know- I was asking a lot, that it was an inconvenience, that you were...giving things up, and disappointing people-
Rodney: It comes down to if it was worth it.
Banefulness-Yesterday at 11:47 PM
Lawr: It was. I wish.
Lawr: I wish I could make you understand that when I do things it isn't a grand statement of my feelings on everything else around me, everything I think or feel.
Lawr: Sometimes I just do things and I don't know why.
Lawr: And I'm left in the morning with a body to hide or a life to try and restart.
Lawr: There's no connection. I wasn't rejecting you, I was just angry and I could either have hit melvin or ******** him
Lawr: And there was an even chance of either thing happening.
Toshi-Yesterday at 11:49 PM
Rodney: But, you said...you were. That you, pursued him intentionaly, you were tired- of the rules. You...wanted to break it.
Banefulness-Yesterday at 11:50 PM
Lawr: I pursued him like a cat chasing prey, I could just as easily have attacked him or worse. I was in that sort of mood I get into. I didn't stop because in my head I ..the logic got twisted.
Lawr: It's like how I think when I hurt America, or do other things like the..shrines. Or /vague handwave.
Lawr: I feel like I'm divine, like I'm above it all, like I don't need to follow rules I just need to do as I please.
Lawr: But later I obviously don't.
Lawr: I don't know. I didn't talk about it because I don't understand it.
Toshi-Yesterday at 11:52 PM
Rodney: Yes I guess...I feel like that too, like you feel like...it's all just stupid...stuff from me you put up with when it suited you, that you were...tolerating and indulging.
Banefulness-Yesterday at 11:52 PM
Lawr: When that's not how I felt, not all of the time.
Lawr: Sometimes in those moods, those spikes of superiority I did feel like I was just tolerating, and that I was a god playing with mortals.
Lawr: But the rest of the time it was the opposite.
Lawr: I just felt grateful and safe and like I could somehow be /saved/
Lawr: But I don't know.
Toshi-Yesterday at 11:55 PM
Rodney: I don't know I guess I thought...
Rodney: It was, something sort of, sp-special-
Banefulness-Yesterday at 11:56 PM
Lawr: It /was/ special. It was like nothing I've ever experienced.
Toshi-Yesterday at 11:56 PM
Rodney: But you...were married to your first wife for ten years and I...didn't last even half a year.
Banefulness-Yesterday at 11:57 PM
Lawr: With her I wasn't constantly every day bombarded by my ex moping around contemplating death.
Lawr: because I left them
Lawr: I wasn't constantly forced to deal with what I'd done to the person before.
Lawr: If I'd been able to get away from Melvin, if there was any way that could be done, I'd have lasted forever. God, I was happy. I was almost happy, I don't even know what happy feels like but when I lay in the sun in the room we made I felt good.
Lawr: And now I don't know what to do.
Lawr: Melvin's back to how it was before but with a bitterness to him, still angry that I did it to him, still angry you did it to him and if I do it again I don't know what he'll do.
Lawr: I feel trapped but not by my own choice.
Lawr: And yet I ended up here.
Toshi-Yesterday at 11:59 PM
Rodney: It...was your choice.
April 19, 2017
Banefulness-Today at 12:00 AM
Lawr: It's why I find myself entertaining other solutions. I don't like being trapped.
Toshi-Today at 12:01 AM
Rodney: -despairing- You were never trapped, not with me, not with him.
Banefulness-Today at 12:02 AM
Lawr: I wasn't trapped with you.
Lawr: But with him, it was a fiasco
Lawr: He made a lot of noise, diminished my reputation, meddled in my marriage, undermined my family, took advantage of my son.
Lawr: There was a desire to just shut him UP
Toshi-Today at 12:03 AM
Rodney: He gives you all his money, he lets you do as you like, looks after you and your things.
Banefulness-Today at 12:03 AM
Lawr: Letting me do as I like is a death sentence.
Toshi-Today at 12:03 AM
Rodney: And....y-yes, when we were together, did- all those things as well and you- went back to him.
Banefulness-Today at 12:04 AM
Lawr: What I like to do is break the rules.
Lawr: They will kill me.
Lawr: It's just a matter of time.
Lawr: So I won't be with him long either.
Lawr: So don't worry about the duration in comparision.
Lawr: Because it is only going to escalate.
Toshi-Today at 12:06 AM
Rodney: I know...nobody here has got very long. But that's why I thought, at least until then, we could...be together.
Banefulness-Today at 12:06 AM
Lawr: So did I.
Lawr: But there you go.
Lawr: And now you won't do anything ever again because I am tainted by the corruption of other people's spiritual energy.
Lawr: So what is the point in even discussing any of this. I could swear never to do anything of the sort again and it wouldn't matter.
Toshi-Today at 12:07 AM
Rodney: Because you promised to be faithful and broke your promise.
Banefulness-Today at 12:07 AM
Lawr: I could say anything and none of it would matter.
Lawr: Yes I know so you've said about fifty times.
Lawr: You cast /me/ out.
Toshi-Today at 12:08 AM
Rodney: You...said before you'd, work on it, you'd call me, you'd- try.
Rodney: You walked out.
Banefulness-Today at 12:09 AM
Lawr: You married me knowing who I was and what I was, you promised that it was me that you cared about and not some persona, not something else.
Toshi-Today at 12:09 AM
Rodney: I still do, and you married me knowing...I was who I was, too.
Banefulness-Today at 12:09 AM
Lawr: I assumed you'd understand my mistakes, I assumed that you'd work with me, that you'd pick me up when I fell.
Toshi-Today at 12:10 AM
Rodney: I would, I have.
Banefulness-Today at 12:10 AM
Lawr: But I dreaded that there'd be something you'd just stop.
Lawr: Over.
Lawr: And you didn't work with me, you didn't want to understand it, it was a line, I crossed it, it was over.
Lawr: When I suppose I was acting out in a radical sort of way in the hope you'd ask me what was /wrong/.
Lawr: But it doesn't work that way.
Lawr: And you wanted someone who was functional from the word go.
Lawr: I tried. I tried harder than I've ever tried for anyone.
Lawr: But it wasn't enough.
Toshi-Today at 12:12 AM
Rodney: The sex, yes. I...told you what it meant to me, I told you that it was cr-crucial to...the marriag,e that it was...teh thing that seperated the marriage from...a friendship. You....were trying. I know. It was just that this time w-wasn't a mistake.
Rodney: It...was me being in the way.
Banefulness-Today at 12:12 AM
Lawr: It /was/ a mistake.
Lawr: If I regret it it was a mistake.
Lawr: I was angry but I was also stupid.
Lawr: It's like when I'd break my belongings when I was angry as a kid. I'd just end up with no things and I'd be very sad about it but it didn't always stop me doing it. It took a long time to stop.
Lawr: And a lot of management of issues.
Lawr: What's the point. What honestly is the point in trying to explain any of this, it won't change your mind.
Toshi-Today at 12:14 AM
Rodney: And I can...try, I can try to work through it, but not...not a hundred times, not...every few weeks, not- not when, you know how much it destroys me every time it happens, it's not....forgiving it isn't- easy or petty....it's not a marriage, that's not....it's breaking me, when you're angry.
Banefulness-Today at 12:15 AM
Lawr: You are perfect with perfect rules, you never make mistakes.
Lawr: It wasn't every few weeks and it wouldn't have been. I would have gotten away from Melvin I was getting away from Melvin
Toshi-Today at 12:15 AM
Rodney: When it comes to f-fidelity, no, I feel...sick thinking about being with someone else.
Banefulness-Today at 12:16 AM
Lawr: For me it just
Lawr: Gets a positive response from someone else
Lawr: That's all it is.
Lawr: And a physical need.
Lawr: But even that need didnt' matter, you looked after that.
Lawr: It was nothing more than some sort of craving for positivity
Lawr: On an island where I encounter almost none of it casually
Toshi-Today at 12:17 AM
Rodney: I...I did.
Rodney: -miserably- So, why...? Why did it have to be....from someone besides me?
Banefulness-Today at 12:18 AM
Lawr: Because Melvin was just so sad all of the time it seemed logical to me to make him happy. And I know that sounds ridiculous.
Lawr: I just feel so responsible for him.
Lawr: I found him in a greenhouse on the verge of suicide, I took him turned him inside out and put him back together and now the entire island hates him.
Lawr: He has no one but me and would tolerate anything to have me. It was and is very hard on me to cut him off.
Lawr: And it didn't seem like there was a lot of reason for it
Lawr: Other than it makes you uncomfortable.
Lawr: I don't know. Dissecting things.
Toshi-Today at 12:21 AM
Rodney: I feel...destroyed over it. You...you know how little I slept the first time, how long I c-cried, but maybe it was...just an inconvenience then, too. I...I saved, all of myself, for- for you...
Banefulness-Today at 12:22 AM
Lawr: It wasn't an inconvenience.
Lawr: I wanted not to do it again. I don't know why I did it again.
Lawr: I just find it hard to follow things.
Lawr: I needed to understand more about /why/
Lawr: Why it would hurt you, why it was a big deal. Every time you say "because it makes me feel icky" I just head "because I said so."
Toshi-Today at 12:24 AM
Rodney: And if...if my reasons aren't good enough, then...?
Banefulness-Today at 12:24 AM
Lawr: Maybe if it was because you felt possessive of me, if it was because you wanted /me/ specifically but it always seemed so..
Lawr: Focused on everyone else.
Lawr: Like /they/ would soil you through me, like /they/ would be invading the marriage.
Lawr: It was a lens where I didn't feel like I existed and it's hard to ...get why it matters when its other people and to me those other people mean nothing.
Lawr: It would have been simpler if it was about not wanting to share me or me being so important that you'd be willing to fight to defend me or something.
Lawr: But it was always just those other people, those outside people, call me if the outside people try to get in.
Lawr: Rather than keep them out because you matter.
Toshi-Today at 12:30 AM
Rodney: -heart in his stomach- What, so, because...I w-won't....fight? I'm- yes, of course I wanted you, and...I wanted you to only be with me. I didn't want...to share you, I didn't want to be shared, more- than wanting it's...La-Lawrence, I've never even...kissed, another person, I was- it was all being saved for you, for only you, and you...act like it's, the lowest and least important thing I could have given.
Banefulness-Today at 12:31 AM
Lawr: I don't consider it that way but you always focus on everything but ME. You are like I was saving myself. /they/ can't share me , /I/ won't fight. You never talk about me or what I mean, or what matters about me, or why me. I understand the world relative to me. I can't stand feeling invisible, it makes me angry.
Lawr: And I suppose I just felt like it was about all those other people and I was still invisible so I just...in a vicious way I just wanted to do it myself.
Lawr: because you only cared about them doing it to me
Lawr: I felt weak and belittled and telling me I couldn't be around Melvin just made it worse, like I was a child who couldn't be trusted, it made me want to prove I could, and even if I failed at it, at least I wasn't being made to look pathetic, I was making a stand, an attempt.
Toshi-Today at 12:34 AM
Rodney: -clenching the knees of his jeans- I...don't understand. I...love you, of course I love you. And I'm...attracted to you. And we've always...I like our discussions, and- seeing and experiencing things together-
Rodney: -miserably- I just didn't want you to sleep with him, and you did.
Banefulness-Today at 12:35 AM
Lawr: I wouldn't have slept with him again.
Lawr: if it hadn't been for the rules.
Lawr: I'm an adult.
Lawr: I could have told him no, he had backed off, he woudln't have hit on me ever again, I was clear with him.
Lawr: I was really, really stung by that line, that point where I couldn't talk to a friend, as if I was too weak to handle it. You wouldn't even let me walk him home alone when he was drunk.
Lawr: If you'd maybe believed in me, maybe I would have too.
Lawr: Everyone just treats me like some kind of doll, some kind of child.
Toshi-Today at 12:37 AM
Rodney: He...told me specifically he'd do anything he could to sleep with you, and you already did.
Rodney: And you did again.
Banefulness-Today at 12:37 AM
Lawr: I did and it was a mistake I bitterly regretted.
Toshi-Today at 12:37 AM
Rodney: Don't...don't act like it was...unreasonable. Or- or based on nothing.
Banefulness-Today at 12:37 AM
Lawr: I would have had the backbone never to do it again.
Lawr: But if you wanted a weak child who couldn't defend himself from the evil melvin
Toshi-Today at 12:37 AM
Rodney: Just like...you're never doing it now.
Banefulness-Today at 12:37 AM
Lawr: Then I was going to give you it I suppose
Toshi-Today at 12:38 AM
Rodney: It's...all you've done since you've left.
Banefulness-Today at 12:38 AM
Lawr: Because you pretty much threw me out.
Lawr: What's the point in not sleeping with him when you made it clear you never want me again?
Toshi-Today at 12:38 AM
Rodney: If you regretted it and never wanted to do it again, then you wouldn't be. But it's...it's n-not the case.
Rodney: And now you can have...all the sex with him that you like.
Banefulness-Today at 12:39 AM
Lawr: If you'd turned around that night.
Lawr: And said to me.
Lawr: Never do it again and stay
Lawr: I would have.
Toshi-Today at 12:39 AM
Rodney: You...you would have done it again, Lawrence.
Banefulness-Today at 12:39 AM
Lawr: Its really easy
Lawr: To see now
Lawr: How little you actually thought of me
Toshi-Today at 12:40 AM
Rodney: You told me that...the first time, and the second time. And...and I believed you both times, I- I did.
Banefulness-Today at 12:40 AM
Lawr: You never believed in me at all.
Toshi-Today at 12:40 AM
Rodney: I believed you at our wedding.
Rodney: I believed you when you slept with him.
Banefulness-Today at 12:40 AM
Lawr: There was only a first time.
Lawr: The second time you'd already shunned me.
Toshi-Today at 12:40 AM
Rodney: And...I believed you this time when you said...you talked him into it, because you were tired of my ridiculous rules.
Banefulness-Today at 12:41 AM
Lawr: Well now you know the reasons. It was because you got to me, you convinced me I was a misbehaving weak child, you convinced me that I couldn't do it.
Lawr: And you'd never have been able to convince me of that if you'd actually believed in me.
Toshi-Today at 12:44 AM
Rodney: I didn't believe...you were free from all temptation, that it was going to be easy. That's...nobody's like that. I'm not like that. You...said you needed help. And...for that, you....you wanted to get rid of....me, I suddenly was just...something in between you and what you wanted, and it was...m-my fault, for standing there.
Banefulness-Today at 12:44 AM
Lawr: I just wanted someone to say I could do it and encourage me to try, not to stand by and wait for me to fail and tell me that maybe it was better I never challenged myself ever if I didn't want to fail.
Lawr: It was pretty devastating to my pride.
Lawr: Even setting smaller limitations like, a level of supervision, a mode of communication, small steps building to being able to excercise self control.
Toshi-Today at 12:46 AM
Rodney: I've never said that. I've said...I didn't regret it, and...I did believe you.
Banefulness-Today at 12:46 AM
Lawr: Instead it was nothing ever.
Lawr: Because I was too weak to even do that much, that little.
Toshi-Today at 12:46 AM
Rodney: You...you went to him so he could fit you for a collar.
Banefulness-Today at 12:46 AM
Lawr: Because I HAVE TO.
Lawr: I wanted to do it as a stupid gesture of goodwill to H who hated me.
Lawr: As gesture that I'd play by whatever stupid rules he wanted to do.
Lawr: It was something Melvin felt happy making and was part of his projects so I didn't see the harm, he wouldn't use it any wya.
Toshi-Today at 12:47 AM
Rodney: That...that was just for some...stupid s-sex game. It was never about the debt. He should have just...invented one that went lower and not even...made the attempt of being subtle.
Banefulness-Today at 12:48 AM
Lawr: I don't know. H approved of it which was more than he ever did with anything I have ever done.
Lawr: I don't read people well and I just want him to stop leeching me dry.
Toshi-Today at 12:48 AM
Rodney: He...he was wrong and it was, abhorrant.
Banefulness-Today at 12:48 AM
Lawr: Well I don't know.
Lawr: All of this just hurts.
Toshi-Today at 12:49 AM
Rodney: I'm sure...fitting the collar had nothing to do with how things went.
Banefulness-Today at 12:49 AM
Lawr: He was touching my neck.
Lawr: And getting flustered and strange.
Toshi-Today at 12:49 AM
Rodney: Yes, it damn well hurts.
Banefulness-Today at 12:49 AM
Lawr: You don't want to fix it.
Lawr: So can we just stop.
Toshi-Today at 12:52 AM
Rodney: I would if you wanted...more than just...for me to have my...my bit of grieving and to feeel happy again before you- you didn't have to pay attentioin to my rules and count on...doing it all over, yes, I'm- I'm bitter at this point, of course, -putting his face in his hands- Oh, God, of course I want to - believe you again, I want everything t obe like it was...
Banefulness-Today at 12:53 AM
Lawr: Obviously I want more than that. I want to be better. I want to have happiness and understand /why/.
Toshi-Today at 12:54 AM
Rodney: And...and your pride being on the line when- when all those petty people who hate you and don't know you and have never met you were...were right about it, and I was wrong.
Banefulness-Today at 12:55 AM
Lawr: I want you to be right more than anything else Rodney.
Lawr: If you are wrong, then they are right and you know what they think of me and what and where I should /be/
Lawr: And I've seen that world already
Toshi-Today at 12:57 AM
Rodney: I know...that sex with me...is so...so minor to you, but...but being with you is...it was everything.
Banefulness-Today at 12:57 AM
Lawr: Sex with you wasn't minor.
Lawr: It was different from everyone else.
Lawr: I don't know, I don't know what to do or where to go.
Lawr: And I won't ask forgiveness twice if the second answer is no.
Toshi-Today at 12:59 AM
Rodney: If...if you want forgiveness- then, it's- it's yes. If you want...to be with other people, then...it's no.
Lawr: I don't care about other people.
Baneful Crew
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Baneful Crew
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Posted: Sun Sep 03, 2017 9:19 am
DM
27 Aug 17, 11:54pm DaBestAssistant's avatar Thomas Roswell @DaBestAssistant
I suppose we’ll find out.
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27 Aug 17, 11:53pm Ispeakfeline's avatar Dr Lawrence Michaels @Ispeakfeline
The main feed wouldn't care, they don't care about much here. Nor would the leads care about a "formal report", have you tried reporting things to them lately?
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27 Aug 17, 11:52pm DaBestAssistant's avatar Thomas Roswell @DaBestAssistant
Two threats, but you still don’t want me making a formal report. I am very good at formal reports. And reposting things to the main feed.
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27 Aug 17, 11:44pm Ispeakfeline's avatar Dr Lawrence Michaels @Ispeakfeline
Wouldn't you like to know? They tend to be more lenient about flight risk no consequence newbies. Especially ones who don't do any work.
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27 Aug 17, 11:44pm DaBestAssistant's avatar Thomas Roswell @DaBestAssistant
I wonder what the work policy here is for dismissal? A verbal, a written, a suspension? And I wonder how many occurrences you’ve already accumulated.
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27 Aug 17, 11:42pm Ispeakfeline's avatar Dr Lawrence Michaels @Ispeakfeline
Oh that wasn't a threat, just a friendly hint. No need to go running to the teacher.
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27 Aug 17, 11:41pm DaBestAssistant's avatar Thomas Roswell @DaBestAssistant
People who work for organisations with a hierarchy directly related to physical power shouldn’t threaten someone on a platform where evidence can be screenshotted.
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27 Aug 17, 11:39pm Ispeakfeline's avatar Dr Lawrence Michaels @Ispeakfeline
People with fragile wards shouldn't throw stones.
7 Aug 17, 9:29pm Ispeakfeline's avatar Dr Lawrence Michaels @Ispeakfeline
Its kind of you.
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7 Aug 17, 9:17pm SciFiScientific's avatar Melvin Wood @SciFiScientific
I still consider actions on instinct and logic to be close
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7 Aug 17, 9:12pm Ispeakfeline's avatar Dr Lawrence Michaels @Ispeakfeline
Beasts have emotion
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7 Aug 17, 9:11pm SciFiScientific's avatar Melvin Wood @SciFiScientific
I always saw you more of a beast than a robot
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18 Jul 17, 4:22am Ispeakfeline's avatar Dr Lawrence Michaels @Ispeakfeline
I'm taking care of the injured and on almost no sleep. If I could make a boat and paddle back to you, I would but then another damn squid would probably just kill me.
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18 Jul 17, 2:03am Ispeakfeline's avatar Dr Lawrence Michaels @Ispeakfeline
I'm sure he is. Wasn't like he was gonna attack a giant squid. I hope he at least keeps the water golems away if they attack the infirmary or the house.
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18 Jul 17, 1:19am Ispeakfeline's avatar Dr Lawrence Michaels @Ispeakfeline
I'm stuck on this island. I hope you are doing okay. :C I miss not being there.
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20 Mar 17, 4:38pm SciFiScientific's avatar Melvin Wood @SciFiScientific
No its both ways
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20 Mar 17, 4:34pm Ispeakfeline's avatar Dr Lawrence Michaels @Ispeakfeline
I think its just me who has never communicated anything well.
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20 Mar 17, 3:17pm SciFiScientific's avatar Melvin Wood @SciFiScientific
Especially between you and Rodney
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20 Mar 17, 3:17pm SciFiScientific's avatar Melvin Wood @SciFiScientific
I don't think I'm the person to ask about relationship advice
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20 Mar 17, 2:55pm SciFiScientific's avatar Melvin Wood @SciFiScientific
I dont know how well you two communicate
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20 Mar 17, 2:54pm SciFiScientific's avatar Melvin Wood @SciFiScientific
Just ask
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20 Mar 17, 2:54pm SciFiScientific's avatar Melvin Wood @SciFiScientific
Doesnt matter if you are good. Trying does.
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20 Mar 17, 2:50pm Ispeakfeline's avatar Dr Lawrence Michaels @Ispeakfeline
I’ve never been much good at that.
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20 Mar 17, 2:50pm Ispeakfeline's avatar Dr Lawrence Michaels @Ispeakfeline
Not my place to discuss
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20 Mar 17, 2:35pm SciFiScientific's avatar Melvin Wood @SciFiScientific
Dont do the same
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20 Mar 17, 2:35pm SciFiScientific's avatar Melvin Wood @SciFiScientific
Mistakes were made and now look at us.
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20 Mar 17, 2:35pm SciFiScientific's avatar Melvin Wood @SciFiScientific
Us not talking made things worse for us. We assumed too much.
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20 Mar 17, 2:34pm SciFiScientific's avatar Melvin Wood @SciFiScientific
You should talk about what bothers you.
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20 Mar 17, 2:34pm SciFiScientific's avatar Melvin Wood @SciFiScientific
He isnt your master. He is your partner.
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20 Mar 17, 2:34pm SciFiScientific's avatar Melvin Wood @SciFiScientific
Its a relationship. A marriage. Why cant you ask for what you need?
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20 Mar 17, 2:26pm Ispeakfeline's avatar Dr Lawrence Michaels @Ispeakfeline
I don’t get to make the rules
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20 Mar 17, 2:24pm SciFiScientific's avatar Melvin Wood @SciFiScientific
Ptsd from what?
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20 Mar 17, 2:24pm SciFiScientific's avatar Melvin Wood @SciFiScientific
Sometimes its good just to hear it confirmed
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20 Mar 17, 2:24pm SciFiScientific's avatar Melvin Wood @SciFiScientific
Might not be
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20 Mar 17, 2:21pm Ispeakfeline's avatar Dr Lawrence Michaels @Ispeakfeline
I thought all of those things were obvious.
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20 Mar 17, 2:21pm Ispeakfeline's avatar Dr Lawrence Michaels @Ispeakfeline
I think it is ptsd
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20 Mar 17, 2:19pm SciFiScientific's avatar Melvin Wood @SciFiScientific
Maybe you should set some rules for him too
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20 Mar 17, 2:19pm SciFiScientific's avatar Melvin Wood @SciFiScientific
He is gonna get hurt
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20 Mar 17, 2:18pm SciFiScientific's avatar Melvin Wood @SciFiScientific
If he goes into a mandatory mission, are you prepared to protect him when he freezes up or breaks down?
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20 Mar 17, 2:18pm SciFiScientific's avatar Melvin Wood @SciFiScientific
Does he think you will hit him?
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20 Mar 17, 2:18pm SciFiScientific's avatar Melvin Wood @SciFiScientific
But he also needs to address why he flinches at any noise
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20 Mar 17, 2:17pm SciFiScientific's avatar Melvin Wood @SciFiScientific
Maybe ask if he wants to ask questions and write it down instead
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20 Mar 17, 2:17pm SciFiScientific's avatar Melvin Wood @SciFiScientific
He gets scared about noises
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20 Mar 17, 2:17pm SciFiScientific's avatar Melvin Wood @SciFiScientific
I dont know what you two have but he took your feelings in murder and death hard
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20 Mar 17, 2:16pm SciFiScientific's avatar Melvin Wood @SciFiScientific
I know its mutual but i entrust you with that info. People on this island would just use it to tear at a person. I only trust it with you to know.
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20 Mar 17, 2:15pm Ispeakfeline's avatar Dr Lawrence Michaels @Ispeakfeline
I don't know what to do with Rodney. Even with me he's always just sad. It's obvious the things I do and what I say dissapoint him relentlessly.
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20 Mar 17, 2:15pm SciFiScientific's avatar Melvin Wood @SciFiScientific
But now Im just scum
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20 Mar 17, 2:15pm SciFiScientific's avatar Melvin Wood @SciFiScientific
We werent chatty much but I thought we got along okay
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20 Mar 17, 2:15pm Ispeakfeline's avatar Dr Lawrence Michaels @Ispeakfeline
I honestly and earnestly didn't consider "shower sex" to be significant at all. If I'd wanted to bring up your kink I would have said cleanliness obsessed or clean sex or something. A mutual kink by the by.
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20 Mar 17, 2:14pm SciFiScientific's avatar Melvin Wood @SciFiScientific
Rodney may not care but what he has said and done feels like a betrayal too.
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20 Mar 17, 2:14pm SciFiScientific's avatar Melvin Wood @SciFiScientific
Trusted
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20 Mar 17, 2:14pm SciFiScientific's avatar Melvin Wood @SciFiScientific
I hate it too but you hurt me that night. I feel shredded to bits by the ones I trustef
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20 Mar 17, 2:13pm Ispeakfeline's avatar Dr Lawrence Michaels @Ispeakfeline
And I'd be fine with those terms.
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20 Mar 17, 2:13pm SciFiScientific's avatar Melvin Wood @SciFiScientific
Sorry
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20 Mar 17, 2:13pm SciFiScientific's avatar Melvin Wood @SciFiScientific
We both got out of hand
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20 Mar 17, 2:13pm SciFiScientific's avatar Melvin Wood @SciFiScientific
Yes both were getting personal
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20 Mar 17, 2:13pm Ispeakfeline's avatar Dr Lawrence Michaels @Ispeakfeline
I hate this. I hate being away from you, I hate not being able to speak with you. You are still my best friend.
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20 Mar 17, 2:12pm SciFiScientific's avatar Melvin Wood @SciFiScientific
Like if we feel hurt to dm before we post a tweet
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20 Mar 17, 2:12pm Ispeakfeline's avatar Dr Lawrence Michaels @Ispeakfeline
I didn't mean that, at the age anyway. Rin I don't know, you were getting very personal.
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20 Mar 17, 2:12pm SciFiScientific's avatar Melvin Wood @SciFiScientific
I want to talk but if its going to be us fighting then maybe we need to establish rules
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20 Mar 17, 2:11pm SciFiScientific's avatar Melvin Wood @SciFiScientific
You know how deeply that hurts me.
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20 Mar 17, 2:11pm SciFiScientific's avatar Melvin Wood @SciFiScientific
You brought up Rin.
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20 Mar 17, 2:11pm SciFiScientific's avatar Melvin Wood @SciFiScientific
You already aired your age last night. I just stabbed back.
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20 Mar 17, 2:10pm Ispeakfeline's avatar Dr Lawrence Michaels @Ispeakfeline
And I wasn't trying to discredit Mik. I SAW that painting. It was there.
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20 Mar 17, 2:10pm Ispeakfeline's avatar Dr Lawrence Michaels @Ispeakfeline
I don't want you to stop talking to me. Rodney hates it but I don't. You are and were my friend. But you know, you know yourself how much it hurts me to bring up my age and yet you did that too.
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20 Mar 17, 2:09pm Ispeakfeline's avatar Dr Lawrence Michaels @Ispeakfeline
And I was drunk, I'm not drunk now, I wouldn't bring any of that up. People are always airing my private life, I had teenagers in my special room the other day.
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20 Mar 17, 2:09pm Ispeakfeline's avatar Dr Lawrence Michaels @Ispeakfeline
I haven't told anyone our kinks. For the record shower sex does not give any specifics about us or what we did.
like how you were disappointing in bed apparently?
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Tuesday, 11:25pm Ispeakfeline's avatar Dr Lawrence Michaels @Ispeakfeline
I was never a fan of slack, used up things generally. You'd be disappointing.
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Tuesday, 11:24pm fivetoremember's avatar November Flynn @fivetoremember
never for you though which is what pisses you off the most
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Tuesday, 11:15pm Ispeakfeline's avatar Dr Lawrence Michaels @Ispeakfeline
You are, and you do nothing but take it. It is about more than sexual positions darling. A true bottom is a mindset, an attitude, and you are /such/ a bottom.
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Tuesday, 11:14pm fivetoremember's avatar November Flynn @fivetoremember
im not ******** overweight you asshat and who the ******** says all i do is take it
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Tuesday, 11:11pm Ispeakfeline's avatar Dr Lawrence Michaels @Ispeakfeline
But I suppose being overweight doesn't matter when all you do is bottom.
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Friday, 2:14am fivetoremember's avatar November Flynn @fivetoremember
of course it is
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Thursday, 9:39pm Ispeakfeline's avatar Dr Lawrence Michaels @Ispeakfeline
Tell him whatever you like, my record is spotless.
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Thursday, 9:14pm fivetoremember's avatar November Flynn @fivetoremember
keep telling yourself that sweetheart and ill be glad to let your keeper know what youve been up to when his back is turned 👍🏻
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Thursday, 8:48pm Ispeakfeline's avatar Dr Lawrence Michaels @Ispeakfeline
Then everything is going exactly as I want it to.
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Thursday, 8:47pm fivetoremember's avatar November Flynn @fivetoremember
sorry bro but you have “whipped” written all over your sorry face
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Thursday, 7:57pm Ispeakfeline's avatar Dr Lawrence Michaels @Ispeakfeline
Ha ha ha, you think I have a leash and not a pet.
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Thursday, 7:47pm fivetoremember's avatar November Flynn @fivetoremember
now i know who holds your leash
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Thursday, 7:46pm fivetoremember's avatar November Flynn @fivetoremember
oh it absolutely does
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Thursday, 7:43pm Ispeakfeline's avatar Dr Lawrence Michaels @Ispeakfeline
Like it matters that you know.
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Thursday, 7:40pm fivetoremember's avatar November Flynn @fivetoremember
good thing i know who youre married to now
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Thursday, 7:40pm fivetoremember's avatar November Flynn @fivetoremember
boy youre delusional
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Thursday, 7:05pm Ispeakfeline's avatar Dr Lawrence Michaels @Ispeakfeline
It's okay darling, your secret is safe with me.
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Thursday, 6:56pm Ispeakfeline's avatar Dr Lawrence Michaels @Ispeakfeline
You would give it up just like all the others.
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Thursday, 6:54pm Ispeakfeline's avatar Dr Lawrence Michaels @Ispeakfeline
That's what they all say, got to toe the party line, got to treat the resident "psycho" with due disgust. But I know right down at your core what you think and I know its nothing like what you say.
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Thursday, 6:48pm fivetoremember's avatar November Flynn @fivetoremember
it kills you that i dont find you attractive doesnt it? that i think youre an unattractive, ugly, skeletal, disgusting, unappealing old cretin far past his prime? keep dreaming you ******** ghoul, your rotting skin and bones will never have me begging
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Thursday, 6:25pm Ispeakfeline's avatar Dr Lawrence Michaels @Ispeakfeline
In spite of your persistent assertions to the contrary, you’d beg me if I got hold of you. Of course I don’t want that, given I’m married. But oh how you’d eat your words.
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Thursday, 6:05pm Ispeakfeline's avatar Dr Lawrence Michaels @Ispeakfeline
Better to be a skeleton than a fat little slut
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Thursday, 4:55pm fivetoremember's avatar November Flynn @fivetoremember
im sorry my liking d**k offends the fact that you have a husband who likes d**k
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Thursday, 4:54pm fivetoremember's avatar November Flynn @fivetoremember
i dont care to be your victim and i hope it kills you or the fact that youre a ******** skeleton
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Thursday, 4:48pm Ispeakfeline's avatar Dr Lawrence Michaels @Ispeakfeline
Is that why you are angry? You want to be the victim? I bet you are used to pity. Pity for how slatternly you are, pity for your homosexual tastes, pity for your lax attitude to love. I don’t pity you and I think you are a greedy slut, never a victim.
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Thursday, 2:34pm fivetoremember's avatar November Flynn @fivetoremember
youre not the victim here no matter how you try and play it
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Thursday, 2:33pm fivetoremember's avatar November Flynn @fivetoremember
and because you take things and twist them to suit you
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Thursday, 2:33pm fivetoremember's avatar November Flynn @fivetoremember
i hate you because youre a disgusting worthless piece of s**t whose obsessed with your ex
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Thursday, 2:29pm Ispeakfeline's avatar Dr Lawrence Michaels @Ispeakfeline
He has everything to do with this as another symptom of your desire to be degraded. I bet you hate me because I see what you are you deprived whore.
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Thursday, 2:24pm fivetoremember's avatar November Flynn @fivetoremember
you have a lot of ******** nerve calling me disgusting when you cant even stop stalking
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Thursday, 2:23pm fivetoremember's avatar November Flynn @fivetoremember
dont give me that bullshit
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Thursday, 2:23pm fivetoremember's avatar November Flynn @fivetoremember
dont you ******** dare he has nothing to do with this
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Thursday, 2:16pm Ispeakfeline's avatar Dr Lawrence Michaels @Ispeakfeline
I suppose I can understand why you are in a relationship with that. Someone happy to consume you like the slut that you are without investment, happy to use you without being disgusted by what you actually are. The human equivalent of a p***k with 5 layers of condoms ha ha ha.
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