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 Posted: Mon May 27, 2013 10:59 pm
That could have gone better, Harrison thought, reading over his posts. He wasn't any kind of Twitter wizard, and all this other s**t always got dragged in.
At least Jordan was going to talk it out with Al. That s**t had to stop.
It made him ******** mad.
Melvin being in a huff was less offensive than that s**t.
And all this thinking sequins and feather boas were par for his ******** course. Not that there was anything wrong with them, but they wasn't his style. When he had shine, he liked it expensive. Gold. Diamond earrings.
He'd been deliberate about the jokes he'd made. It just hadn't panned out so good. But he'd stuck to his guns.
When Rep showed up, Harrison turned off his phone. They turned off Rep's too, for good measure. Rep wanted to get away for a while. Harrison suggested a walk.
The path down to the beach was familiar. He held Rep's hand while they picked over rocks. When they ended up at the cove, he wasn't surprised. Harrison took off his shoes, sitting beside Rep, then propped up his knees, leaning against them as he looked out at the ocean and listened to the waves wash against the shore.
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Posted: Mon May 27, 2013 11:14 pm
Rep had been quiet most of the way to the cove, after handing over his phone he'd lapsed into thoughtful silence and stayed that way.
He held onto Harrison's hand as they went, something about his demeanor seeming to brighten simply at the contact. He tried to let the salty breeze and the sussuration of the ocean soothe his nerves, to push aside the troubles that plagued him of late. Recently everything seemed to focus in on him like a gathering storm, between Melvin, Sasha, the new guys, Al and Rin, there was no end of problems lined up to be dealt with.
But the world -and those problems - could wait.
Settling in quietly, he leaned against Harrison, and exhaled. In the quiet seclusion it felt like he could finally think clearly again - liberated however briefly from the tangle of problems. Here he could focus on what had been playing on his mind most of all.
Still, there was no hurry to break the comfortable silence, and when he finally did it was in the gentle indoor voice many people could probably have sworn he didn't possess.
"I was surprised." he said almost cryptically, as if without warning swinging into some silent internal narrative.
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Posted: Mon May 27, 2013 11:22 pm
They were already sitting close. The lean just meant an inch of pressure, but Harrison felt strangely lighter at the extra weight.
"At what I said?" Harrison asked.
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Posted: Mon May 27, 2013 11:27 pm
"Aye. I... I didn't expect like. You. To say that." He looked out into the middle distance somewhere, lost in his thoughts as he spoke.
"It's like I said I thought you felt the way I did." Always one to gesture while he spoke, he clasped his hand to his chest as if holding some precious object. "Like that word didn't matter."
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Posted: Mon May 27, 2013 11:45 pm
"It doesn't. That's why I said it. I mean."
Harrison rubbed the back of his neck.
"It's true. I don't like girls."
That much was evident.
"I told you before, like when we first started. I didn't want it getting around, because I didn't want to be like. That Guy. Start having people rolling out the handicapped parking spaces and being politically correct. And that'd be all I was to them. Like a joke. Maybe I am anyhow. But for you, I don't mind taking a few hits."
Harrison rested his chin on his folded arms.
"It's none of their business. What I like or don't like. I'm not with any of them. But they start implying s**t and I'm like, hit me with your best ******** shot. They can't use it against me."
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Posted: Tue May 28, 2013 5:21 am
"See!" Rep said, "That's what I mean man, that different treatment, people acting like you arent right in the head or being like ha ha I bet you like ******** gay clothes. They make ******** assumptions."
He gave Harrison an almost forlorn look. "You didn't need to take any hits because of my issues man."
He let his hand drop to his side "I know I said I'd try and be different and no listen to people like Al but I'm trying to keep him under my ******** heel and being gay is weak in most people's eyes. I can't show weakness in front of him if I want his respect and fear. You can't fear someone if you mentally make some kind of ******** joke of them."
"Before the island I would never have been afraid of someone if I thought they took it up the arse. And I mean now I know better, but they don't. And I can't punch sense into all of them."
He heaved a sigh and looked at the ground, clasping his hands in his lap."I don't know what to do about it man, I don't know what you want me to do. I don't like feeling like I'm left behind, I didn't like it at the start and I don't much like it now. I don't want there to be anywhere you go that I can't follow.'
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Posted: Tue May 28, 2013 9:39 am
Harrison shrugged.
"So, okay. They're gonna make assumptions. And say stupid s**t. And ask stupid questions. But at the end of the day, I'm still here. We're still together."
He rested against Rep's shoulder.
"I don't want you to say stuff that tears you up to have to say. Being like, I'm gay is hard. But I did it. And nothing happened. And being like, I don't have anything to do with those guys, that's worse. It bothers me because I know it bothers you."
He wasn't hurt by it. But he could feel it when Rep halted, when it killed him to talk s**t to cover up.
"I wanted to show you it was okay. That I wasn't afraid. I'm with you. I'm not going anywhere, I'll wait for you as long as it takes."
He blew out a puff of air.
"You don't have to be all, I'm gay. But if some guy is like, hey f*****t. Then you're like, hey faghag. Or. What the ******** of it, limpdick. Instead of like, what did you call me, I'm nothing like that, I will beat the s**t out of you."
He smirked.
"Heh, which wouldn't be too bad-" He cleared his throat, "but naw. It's about you being comfortable."
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Posted: Tue May 28, 2013 10:08 am
Rep didn't interrupt, just listened intently to what Harrison had to say. And it was hard, the instinctive flinch reaction like an icy touch on his spine at even the word gay. But he was right, nothing happened. Nothing ever happened. It wasn't an evil all powerful term, he'd said it in front of deus and no one had batted an eye. It could have been because Harrison was manly enough that nothing he ever said made people think less of him, but then again, it might not.
The fear subsided - not entirely but enough - at the realisation that he hadn't been daring him to follow but just showing the way to go if he wanted to.
Something about his posture seemed to relax, a shallow exhale felt more than heard. Things were easier when he knew what to do, when things were spelled out for him clearly. Before the island he'd learned by observing, and he'd learned homophobia well. It seemed so ******** simple put like that, the way he responded to most insults, challenging the accuser with wit. He'd just always been so scared of being caught out he'd thrown the walls up higher every time, and they'd seen his weakness.
Why had he never seen it? Why had he been so ******** blind to what he'd been doing? He went for the throat when people showed weakness, he should have been able to see it in himself. He didn't know what he'd do without the guys, Jordan untangled the emotional knots patiently and Harrison gave him back his armour, gave him the means to defend himself and fight back.
He wanted to explain all these things and more besides, but words always seemed to come up weak between them. "That...that make's sense. It actually ******** makes sense." He buried his head in his hands, he'd been such a ******** idiot. "I've been painting a ******** bullseye on myself all this time. Just ********. Giving them the knife to cut me with. Why did it take me this long?"
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