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 Posted: Mon May 06, 2013 9:10 pm
Today is the day,
I watch from a window, twisting the ring on my finger.
Slowly bridesmaids, flower girls, and the rest of the party file in
My stomach is tied in knots.
I love him more then I ever thought I could love.
I lower my veil and make my way inside.
I stand between our parents,
And I notice the ring on his necklace,
How handsome he is in his uniform,
And the picture of us peaking out of his pocket.
Tears fill my eyes as I stroke his cheek,
And I feel the flowers drop from my hand.
As I take my seat I hear the preacher, but I am not listening.
His mother takes my hand as we both cry.
The pallbearers slowly carry him outside,
And the sound of the guns go off in the background,
As the world comes back into focus there is a flag in my hand
And a hole in my heart.
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Posted: Tue May 07, 2013 6:29 am
xanthnimby Today is the day, i've strong feelings that this first line should be something striking rather than telling us today is more important than any other day. first impressions aside, your first line is an introductory line and should be treated as an important line that states great feeling or describes the setting for what's to come; something that would catch the readers eye would be great but i'm talking about going deeper; you should give us great insight towards what you're feeling right before the ceremony begins. I watch from a window, twisting the ring on my finger. the vocabulary actually hints at desperation or anxiety than excitement or hope; watching from a window seems like you're trying to be alone for the last time while the 'twisting' of anything is usually a clue to think opposite (in this case, instead of wanting to put the ring on a finger, you're wanting to maybe break it) so you have to be careful in choosing your words a little more carefully. Slowly bridesmaids, flower girls, and the rest guests slowly of the party file in i don't think you should say "slowly" but more than that, what people do you refer to when you say "the rest"? i'm thinking they're the guests but they' would already be in place, whether sitting in a chapel or standing under the tent out in a backyard or whatever, it makes less sense that "the rest" of the people would file in line but i'm being very picky about this; idk, look over this line and let me know your thoughts. My stomach is tied in knots. this line would be clever if there was literally a ribbon in a knot on your stomach or something but i digress; this is a tired cliche. give us more depth than just a stomach tied in knots. I love him more then I ever thought I could love. the abstractions of love make this statement just that, only a statement and nothing more; the sentiment is obvious but the feeling isn't felt. i suggest you remove this line unless you give us a metaphor or an image we can associate with how much you love him. I lower my veil and make my way inside. you tell too much; can't you give us something more colorful? i say colorful in the attempt to sound piognant but i really wish you'd give us more imagery than a veil and making your "way inside"; give us "soft whispering wind carries the veil from the door to the altar" don't just tell us!I stand between our parents, imagine if you had said "my pillars" instead. And I notice the ring on his necklace, i wish you'd go further than this because i don't get the referenceHow handsome he is in his uniform, there's no description of the man and you're expecting us to believe he's handsome? no, you miss an opportunity to give us his superficial features to develop into deep emotions. seriously, how handsome is this guy? a straignt answer will benefit you greatly. And the picture of us peaking out of his pocket. peeking; this little detail is rather odd. Tears fill my eyes as I stroke his cheek, like a brushstroke, you could say, tears slide down diluting with makeupAnd I feel the flowers drop from my hand.
As I take my seat I hear the preacher, but I am not listening.
His mother takes my hand as we both cry.
The pallbearers slowly carry him outside,
And the sound of the guns go off in the background,
As the world comes back into focus there is a flag in my hand
And a hole in my heart. that last part in italics is purely narrative and not very poetic; i suggest you rework the poem to include more metaphor, imagery, and your basic poetic devices. that ending came out of nowhere so it would be nice if you could hint at it without just being a random occurrence. spelling and grammar aside, that was an okay poem but it was lacking in the emotional department; you missed a lot of opportunities in giving us description and depth as well as making love a feeling that wasn't felt. actually, you would benefit in making this poem a story rather than have the line breaks mess up the flow of the story.
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