Prologue
A young man of sixteen shoved the door of his apartment away as if it was an unwelcome salesman, the impatient pinging of Pesterchum fell on deaf ears while he crashed on his couch, sending a metaphorical mini-seismic-shockwave that launched several cookie flakes into the air.
"Orgub cibpobnog John ehcek Egbert upram zacjuntoz!" screamed a shrill voice from a crab-like communication device. It paused for a moment, realizing that it spoken in a wrong language, then "Jawn hoomen ekbart! Stawp yer loafin' an' anser meh!", then "Shaddap!" when John Egbert laughed uncontrollably at Karkat's horrible English accent. "Hahaha! oh my god Karkat, fine, I just only got -pffft- back -snort- here!" he grumbled between his laughter as he lifted himself up and walked to his computer.
Pesterchum dutifully notified him that a certain carcinoGeneticist had been trying to reach him.
EB: what is so important that you have to stow away in a smuggling spacecraft?
He prefaced, still giggling.
CG: WHAT
CG: HOW DID YOU KNOW I'M ON YOUR PLANET
EB: duhhhhhhhh karkat
EB: pesterchum didn't say you were trolling me, so obviously you're on earth!
CG: ********: I SHOULD HAVE ASKED SOLLUX FOR THAT CUSTOMIZABLE HACKER CHAT CLIENT
CG: BUT ANYWAYS I'M NOT HERE ON A VACATION
CG: AN INTERCEPTED SNAPSHOT OF YOUR PLANET ON MY SIDE HAD REVEALED A RUIN WITH SOME VERY SUGGESTIVE SYMBOLS
CG: ALTERNIAN SYMBOLS
EB: so...
CG: ******** HELL
CG: DO I HAVE TO SPELL THIS OUT FOR YOU, JOHN?
CG: IT'S THE SOURCE CODE OF SBURB
EB: well duh! how should i know? i got sburb from an order.
EB: like a sane person!
CG: NOW IS NOT THE TIME FOR CULTURAL GRIPES
CG: THIS IS A VERY SERIOUS MATTER, EVEN THOUGH YOU MIGHT NOT BE ABLE TO COMPREHEND IT
CG: WHEN WE WON THE GAME ME AND THE OTHER TROLLS
CG: EXCEPT VRISKA, OBVIOUSLY, SHE'S BANNED FROM THE CONTROL PANEL
CG: HAVE BEEN MONITORING THE TIMELINE OF THIS UNIVERSE, NUDGING THINGS TO HOUSE OUR AND YOUR PLANET
CG: WE HAVE NEVER SEEN ANY OF THE PLANETS GETTING BLUDGEONED BY METEORS
EB: are you suggesting that we have created an infertile universe?
CG: NO, IT'S EVEN WORSE THAN THAT
CG: THERE WAS NO MENTION OF SBURB AT ALL WHEN WE SURVEYED THE TIMELINE
CG: AND THE CODES ARE DISTORTED
CG: SOLLUX SUGGESTS THAT THIS NEW GAME WILL ALTER OUR EXISTING UNIVERSE, INSTEAD OF CREATING A NEW ONE
EB: how is that bad?
CG: OH MY ******** GOD
CG: DO YOU LIVE UNDER A ROCK OR WHAT
CG: BEFORUS AND EARTH ARE WARRING
CG: IF ONE OF YOUR KIND GET THEIR HANDS ON THE GAME, THEY MIGHT AS WELL EDIT US OUT OF EXISTENCE.
CG: AND BY *US* I MEAN US TROLLS
CG: IT'S THE VAST GLUB ALL OVER AGAIN
EB: but
EB: didn't you say it was in alternian?
EB: humans can't read alternian, i think?
CG: WELL I CAN SPEAK AND WRITE ONE OF YOUR HUMAN LANGUAGE
CG: I DON'T SEE WHY THEY WON'T BE ABLE TO READ OURS IF THEY TRIED
EB: then what should we do?
CG: THAT, IS THE WHOLE REASON WHY ME AND THE REST OF THE GODS ARE HERE ON EARTH
CG: I THINK WE'LL NEED TO HAVE A MEETING
CG: BUT THE ROUGH PLAN NOW THOUGH IS THAT WE WILL SELECT A GROUP OF TROLLS AND HUMAN PLAYERS TO PLAY THE GAME
CG: THEN WE WILL HIJACK THEIR SESSION AFTER THEY WIN, AND EDIT OUT THE GAME ITSELF
EB: that would be mean to them, though?
CG: JOHN
CG: THIS IS THE EXISTENCE OF MY RACE AT STAKE HERE
CG: WHO THE ******** CARES ABOUT SOME KIDS WINNING A GAME?
Before Karkat could get in any more rants, John abruptly put his laptop to standby. His breath powers, now reaching near-telekinesis, quickly silenced the speaker crab before Karkat could even pronounce 'John!'. He didn't go insane fromyears of getting stuck in a fatal game, it's not that he could care less about games if the existence of an entire timeline was at stake, but there is a universal constant that the trolls should have remembered: It is never a good idea to try and cheat S___b, and hijacking a session would obviously count as doing that.
The breeze unsilenced the crab again, 'Fine' snarled John at the other. He started captchaloguing his personal items in his flat, save for the rent pay. The money he has left should be enough to reach England and meet up with the others in the usual place.
'It's time to move on' he glanced back one last time at the now almost-empty room.
