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 Posted: Fri Feb 22, 2013 2:42 am
When Jordan got back, Rep was lying on the bed with the laptop, fully absorbed in what he was doing, looking relaxed and happy. Jordan hesitated in the doorway. He hated to interrupt that for what promised to be a painful, awkward conversation - but then again, it would be an unpleasant conversation no matter when or where it happened. Getting it over with was probably for the best.
He closed the door behind him and went across to slide onto the bed, sitting up against the headboard with a quick touch to the carvings there. "Hey," he said quietly.
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Posted: Fri Feb 22, 2013 2:49 am
Rep was always so easily engrossed when it came to computers, they brought forth an enthusiasm that practically radiated from him whenever he used them. The laptop was cradled like it was the single most valuable object in all the world, his fingers nimbly moving over the keys in what was a familiar and reassuring dance. There was no internet access but that didn't stop him coding, playing with data, variables and picky finicky syntax like old friends. It was only the sound of the door closing that made him look up, blue eyes keen and bright, one of those rare moments when what intelligence he possessed seemed to shine through. It was quickly replaced by the familiar half lidded gaze that always accompanied his greeting smile.
"Awright?" he said lazily.
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Posted: Fri Feb 22, 2013 2:57 am
The sense of uncomfortable guilt at interrupting intensified, but Jordan managed a small smile anyway. "Busy?" he asked. "I gotta ask you about something." He tucked one leg up, thinking over how to address this.
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Posted: Fri Feb 22, 2013 3:07 am
There was a flicker of worry in the smile that Rep hurriedly smoothed over, there was all the hallmarks of an issue that was filed under important. He treated it with due respect, temporarily dropping the mischievous frivolity and raising a brow.
"Naw. No too busy to talk, was just messing about." , in a gesture of willingness, he closed the laptop over and set it aside. "Shoot."
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Posted: Fri Feb 22, 2013 3:11 am
Jordan took a breath and nodded a little. "When you're fighting," he said carefully, "there's times, sometimes, when you kind of go blank, aren't there?" He moved over a little closer, a silent reassurance of closeness. "I'm not angry at you," he added. "Just worried."
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Posted: Fri Feb 22, 2013 3:25 am
Rep listened intently, willing and open until there was a flicker of realisation in his expression. "Jerry told you." he said, almost accusingly. "I told him it was nothing really. It's no anything serious."
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Posted: Fri Feb 22, 2013 3:28 am
"He did," Jordan admitted, "but I should've noticed it myself." His mouth pulled down guiltily. "Those are the times when you do stuff that doesn't make sense later, the stuff that gets you in trouble."
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Posted: Fri Feb 22, 2013 3:34 am
Rep thought to himself he would have to have words with Jerry about what being a grass meant, and carefully stowed away the information for later. Jordan though got a look somewhere between scepticism and sympathy. "It's not something that you could have noticed man. The whole point in it is not to notice it at all, it's all inside my head, it doesn't reach the outside. And its like, it's no totally blank. It's like. I go from thinking to like...not thinking as much. But it means its more instinct and stuff. Like as if my body does things on it own." He waved his hands vaguely. "But its not always bad. I mean sure, sometimes it is. But a lot of the time its how I fight so good and s**t man and other times.."
He looked away, licking his lips - they suddenly felt dry. "Other times its like. It makes s**t manageable."
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Posted: Fri Feb 22, 2013 3:37 am
"Manageable?" Jordan tensed slightly, apprehension rising in him. What did Rep mean by that?
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Posted: Fri Feb 22, 2013 3:41 am
"Sometimes there's like. Too much pain, too many distractions, too much stress. Just too much." He was very careful with his phrasing, as if carefully edging around an issue in a way he wasn't normally prone to do. "I stop thinking when there's too much to deal with, when instinct could do a better job. When instinct is what's needed and s**t. It makes things simple, means I don't end up looking like some sissy woman and lose my bottle when the chips are down and s**t." He didn't have drink or drugs as a crutch any more he thought, it was seriously all he had left.
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Posted: Fri Feb 22, 2013 3:55 am
"But if you're not thinking about how to deal with it, how can you know what's the right way to do it?" Jordan reached out to set his hand on Rep's arm, frowning with worry. This explained a lot, but getting Rep to understand that it wasn't good to be dissociating like this was going to be an uphill battle.
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Posted: Fri Feb 22, 2013 3:59 am
"Because at least I'm doing something. And sometimes that's all that matters. Sometimes there are like, things you need to do. And if I thought about them, I'd lock up and freeze. Just stand there like a ******** idiot and not be able to do anything at all. I wouldn't know the right way anyway." He could only think of the way he'd stopped when he cut off Rin's arm, just ceased to function like a gummed up machine. If Harrison hadn't been there she'd have died and he'd have stood there and let her. "I need it." he tried to justify, stroking Jordan's hand gently with his fingertips, his gaze distant with his thoughts. "I wouldn't even have you guys if it wasn't for it, it's like the walls, it keeps me safe."
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Posted: Fri Feb 22, 2013 4:05 am
"But if you could think about it, you could do what you needed to do as a choice, choosing it instead of just doing something, anything," Jordan tried.
He stopped as what Rep had said sunk in, giving him a puzzled look that stopped just short of hurt, pleading. "When did - no," he said, trying to sort through what that meant, shaken and suddenly doubtful.
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Posted: Fri Feb 22, 2013 4:11 am
"Except I couldn't. I'm not good at choices, when I think too hard its like, all the s**t starts to get in the way of itself, I start to doubt myself and what I can do and if I could do it and if it was worth trying at all. Without like, the ability to tap into that like instinct I'd be a coward. And cowards don't get anywhere man."
He did look curious at Jordan's reaction, sensitive to the look and his tone, worried he'd upset him and not sure where he might have, though he had a hunch. "Like. Any time there's things that scare me I guess. I'm not scared now." he said, as if that changed things.
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Posted: Fri Feb 22, 2013 4:22 am
Jordan's lips pressed into a thin line briefly. Then he sighed and leaned over to touch his forehead to Rep's, meeting his eyes. "I want to think you chose to be with us," he said softly, something tight lurking around the corners of his eyes.
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