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 Posted: Sun Jan 13, 2013 11:11 am
Harrison hadn't woke up.
There had been a lot of denial. Rep hadn't wanted to concede it, to say something was wrong was to lend it words and to lend it words was to forge it into reality. There was something final about speech, something you could never take back, and he was afraid. This time it was nothing to do with cracks in the ground and terrible apparitions, it was all in his head and somehow so much worse for it. It had been a few hours, tension growing and growing. Nothing would rouse him and he barely moved, didn't stir, wasn't asleep.
Every time Rep looked too long he was taken back to dark places that made him want to panic and run.
They'd brought him to the infirmary. It felt like he'd sleepwalked. He felt like he was out cold too, just a body going through the motions. He'd been happy, truly happy, there'd been a bright future ahead and he wasn't scared of anything. Now all there was was fear, terror that fate had come to claim what was hers, the hounds of karma caught up to him finally, set to rip his happiness to shreds.
It felt absurd, after all, he was only out cold. Only out cold. But that disreguarded all the things he'd noticed, all the changes, all the differences. The gem. The behaviour. All the things that made deep buried instincts pace and fret, things that made him feel lonely sometimes even in company. And he'd said nothing. He'd let this happen. He was guilty for anything that came of this, the architect of his own misery.
As always.
They were called into the room once things were organised and he moved over to one of the empty chairs, slumped down and buried his face in his hands.
"I knew this would happen eventually." he said distantly. Knowing didn't make it easier.
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Posted: Sun Jan 13, 2013 12:03 pm
Minutes had ticked into hours, and Harrison hadn't woken up, had stayed heavily unconscious. He breathed slow and even, his heartbeat steady, no injuries to explain why he wasn't coming to. Nothing but that strange blue glow that Jordan found himself reluctant to talk about, as though somehow, if he didn't talk about it, it wouldn't have happened, wouldn't mean anything. That wasn't the way it worked. He knew that. But he hadn't said anything about it yet anyway.
They'd given in after two hours, and Rep had carried Harrison down to the infirmary, infinitely careful, his eyes strangely distant. Jordan had followed, trying to stay calm. No reason to freak out. It wouldn't help anything.
He paced in the waiting area until they were called in, then went to Harrison's bedside to stand looking down at him. It seemed more real now, standing here in the infirmary, seeing Harrison lying so still in the narrow bed.
He turned when Rep spoke. "What? No, there was no way for you to know," he said.
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Posted: Sun Jan 13, 2013 12:21 pm
Rep had to suppress the urge to flinch at Jordan's words and there was a few moments when he seemed like he might not reply at all, looking blankly at the bed in front of him. It felt like there was a lump in his throat but he wasn't sure why, he felt numb. It wasn't like the usual storm of emotions, there was just nothing but cold finality and dread. When he spoke it was that same matter of fact tone, as if he was reading from some inner script. "There's been a lot of weird s**t going on since we got back from that fight with the horsemen man."
When they got back from that fight, things had changed, subtle nuanced differences, not always present but surfacing sometimes like a flash of the fin in a still pool, behaviour shifts. He'd thought he'd been being paranoid when he was feeling logical, that he was noticing things that weren't there at all. When he was alone with his own thoughts, he had dreaded that it was because somehow Harrison knew, that he was aware that Rep had sent him to his death in the dream vision he'd saw, that he'd broken their promise. He'd been scared to bring it up in case it was true, even after the proposal, scared to fracture the future he craved.
"He's been different." Not always, sometimes. An assertive comment here and there, jokes normally in the name of fun shot down as unacceptable. "And so has B0nez." He fished in his pocket, drawing out the flash drive where he'd been keeping him and held him up for Jordan to see. "Notice anything different?" Even in totem form the glint of blue in an eye socket marked where the jewel rested. "I asked him and he said it had always been there and that I should drop it. I did. It hadn't though." He knew every inch of B0nez the way he knew every inch of Harrison, Jordan and Ferros, they were important, they needed to be committed to memory in case...
His eyes flicked to Harrison haunted for just a second before he dropped back into that matter-of-fact blankness.
"And that blue he used. It's happened before too, when I was with him." And he hadn't questioned it, he accepted everything readily, passive with everything to do with the ones he loved.
"I should have said something to you. But I was so sure it was my fault and I was just being paranoid. Maybe I still am man. Maybe he'll wake up in ten minutes time and I'll look an idiot." his words finally took on some expressiveness, a desperate pleading edge. "But I mean, didn't you notice? He wouldn't even.. arrangements changed."
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Posted: Sun Jan 13, 2013 12:55 pm
Jordan listened, his expression going haunted, worried. "I hadn't seen that on B0nez," he admitted. "That wasn't there before." He knew B0nez's details as well as he knew Ferros's and Tracey's, all three of their weapons committed to memory, and while B0nez had changed recently, the blue jewel was a jarring note that didn't fit.
He nodded slowly. "He's been more - aggressive," he agreed. "I didn't think much of it. I noticed, but I wasn't thinking about it ..." He crossed his arms over his chest, frowning. "You've seen that blue glow before? That jewel, that's the same color, do you think that's where it's coming from?"
He turned back to touch Harrison's cheek, a gentle, worried caress. "I should've noticed," he said quietly. "I should've asked you. Both of you. C'mon, man, wake up, make us feel like paranoid idiots, okay?"
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Posted: Sun Jan 13, 2013 1:13 pm
Rep stowed B0nez again. He'd thought he'd feel better to find out that Jordan had noticed the things he had, but somehow here and now it only made things worse. They'd both doubted and worried but said nothing. "I think it's a safe bet." he said regarding the jewel having something to do with it all. "But it's attached to B0nez." It summoned when he did, there was no way of removing it without most likely killing both of them or doing irreparable damage.
He watched Jordan touch Harrison's cheek and felt helpless, a deep wrenching emotional hurt that was worse than physical pain. It was always the way things went, when he opened his big ******** mouth he landed in trouble, when he kept it shut, things were wrong. It felt like there was no way to win. "Neither of us did though.", and now they couldn't change it. He wanted to fight back, to do something, but there was no enemy this time other than the unknown. He couldn't twist the sadness into anger so it welled up until he felt like he was immobilised and drowning in it.
He'd lost his thread of purpose, he hadn't realised how twined up with Harrison's routine he'd gotten over time, without him up and about it was like what organisation and schedule he had was a loose line. He had no idea what to do with himself. Leaving wouldn't be an option, what if he declined while he was gone? He'd made a promise, a promise he intended to see through.
He wanted to hug Jordan, to tell him Harrison would wake up soon. But it would be empty reassurance, words he didn't believe. He couldn't face the room, the thought of the laptop with no B0nez, no Harrison to wind up and tell made up facts about how computers work, no cold feet, no straightforward clarity, no eclipse, no minder, it was absolutely unbearable. Everything reminded him of him, so he would do nothing at all. Absolute avoidance.
"All we can do is wait. I'm staying here. As long as it takes."
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Posted: Sun Jan 13, 2013 1:27 pm
Not paying enough attention, not talking about it - he already knew that was a good way to hurt them. Jordan blew out a long breath, watching Harrison's still face. "I'm sorry," he whispered.
Ferros stirred, distressed. B0nez? he asked.
I don't know, Jordan replied. He turned and walked over to pull the second chair closer to Rep's, half-collapsing into it and leaning on Rep's shoulder. "We can take shifts," he said. "So there's always one of us here, so when he wakes up he won't be alone."
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Posted: Sun Jan 13, 2013 1:34 pm
Rep stayed blank and distant, even as Jordan leaned against him, he felt if he moved he'd crumble like a bad clay statue, it was impossible to explain. Emotions built up in him with nowhere to go and he simply hoarded them, held them to his chest. It was bound to happen eventually.
There was a swell of affection at the other man's words. He loved Jordan so much, always reasonable and logical, even here. But he didn't understand, how could he understand when even Rep didn't? "I don't need shifts. I don't have anywhere else to be." he said matter of factly. Duties, training, everything seemed absolutely pointless when there was no immediate future. It was a blankness he'd experienced only once before in his life and it had derailed him then as it did so now. Even when Jordan had been missing there had been a future, they could find him or die trying, he'd been sure he was alive somewhere, that they could bring him home. He had been driven and that had kept Harrison stable too.
This time there was nothing he could do, nowhere he could be but here.
And so he would be.
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Posted: Sun Jan 13, 2013 4:46 pm
"I'll get your schedule cleared," Jordan said quietly. If Harrison didn't wake up soon, he'd have to try to convince Rep that he had to attend duties, go through the motions of daily life. For now, though, he wasn't even going to try. But he doubted that the infirmary staff would let them sleep in the room. "But you need sleep too."
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Posted: Sun Jan 13, 2013 5:07 pm
He finally rested his head against Jordan. He wasn't being very helpful to either of them, or reasonable. But it felt like the sane level part of his brain was just a quiet voice of dissent against the panic and rebellion against the situation. "Thankyou." he said with a sigh.
He didn't want to think about sleeping, or having to leave. "I'll talk to Rin and Melvin and s**t, I dunno, maybe they can talk something round." He sat up enough to kiss Jordan's cheek, grateful that he hadn't tried to argue him out of it.
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Posted: Sun Jan 13, 2013 5:16 pm
"I'll get things taken care of. And be here whenever I can." Jordan leaned on Rep. There would be trouble if both of them ducked out of duties and obligations to stay here, and Jordan was better able to talk people into making exceptions and finding loopholes. He didn't want to think about Harrison being unconscious for too long, of having to deal with the long stretch of days and nights without Harrison's steady common sense, his attention and quiet care; keeping himself busy would keep him from making himself sick with worry. But Rep needed to be here.
"Right," he answered. "I'll check in with them. Maybe we can work something out." If anyone could, it'd be those two.
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Posted: Mon Jan 14, 2013 3:27 pm
Even in the depths of blank despair it was impossible to deny how much he needed Jordan, he was a bit of a dependent burden on both him and Harrison and yet neither ever complained about it. He wasn't sure what he'd do if it had been just him stubbornly refusing to budge. They'd probably throw him out and then he wasn't sure what he'd do. He reached over with his left hand to take Jordan's left, giving it a grateful squeeze. He didn't say thank you again, it felt small and trivial next to the swell of love and gratitude he felt, Jordan had to be worried too yet was willing to bow out to his helpless demands.
"Aye they hobnob with the life crew, they should be able to grease the wheels."
He fell quiet for a few moments before he added somewhat out of nowhere. "I love you. I don't know what I'd do without you right?" These random misfortunes always drove home how few chances you got to say these things to people before your time was potentially up.
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Posted: Mon Jan 14, 2013 3:41 pm
Jordan laced his fingers into Rep's, grateful for the contact and the quiet affection. "I love you too," he answered, turning a little to rest his head on Rep's shoulder for a moment. "Don't think I'd be coping so well if you weren't here too."
Being able to take care of Rep gave him something to do, made him feel less helpless. He couldn't bring Harrison back to them, but he could at least see that Rep was well taken care of while he kept watch, make arrangements and run interference. He could keep going and do something constructive, and when he could do that, he could tell himself that everything was going to be okay.
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Posted: Wed Jan 16, 2013 4:24 am
Rep eyed Harrison thoughtfully, still peacefully oblivious to everything around him. "I bet when he wakes up." he said, as if convincing himself he would. "The b*****d will be baffled at everyone being worried about him. Knowing our luck it will be like. The binoculars backfiring or something." It was another grasp in the dark, he couldn't see the binoculars changing their effect randomly, nor did he like the idea of Harrison being out cold like this over making Christmas presents for them.
"I am going to kick his a** if its something stupid like that I swear." his tone was more alive than it had been, an edge of hopefulness shining through the former blankness.
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Posted: Thu Jan 17, 2013 2:19 pm
Not likely, Jordan thought, and didn't say it. Rep knew that. If the binoculars had a side effect like this, they would already have shown it. "Maybe it is," he said. "That'd be a pain in the a**. When he wakes up, we'll tell him he's not allowed to do this again."
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Posted: Thu Jan 17, 2013 2:36 pm
Rep wished it was easier to believe that Harrison would wake up again. He'd never been any good at definitively pinning down the future. To him a future where Harrison woke up and was all right was no less fantastic than a future where he became a dragon and enslaved half the human race. Both were grand ideals with no plan tying them to the present. In the here and now there was no real hope, and that was all that mattered.
It just felt easier to pretend.
"I hope he's not angry at me." he said quietly. "Cause I worry it was like, something to do with those like. Waking nightmares back when we fought the horsemen."
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