He thought long and hard on just what had transpired. What had he gained? What he had lost? What did he learn, relearn or lost on him?
“I messed up Chama, I messed up really bad...” Dakota mumbled. Chama cooed in his mind, easing the tension he was building up.
“How can they make us stronger when they just keep bringing us down? Look at us Chama. We were saved because Clerise offered herself. Her bond to me brought her down. She was brought down because I was stupid. Couldn't follow one ******** order.”
He breathed out.
“And for what!?? Ceres and Bix came back alive regardless of Rep killing one of them.” Dakota got angrier the more he thought about it. “I told Rep things, In anger because he was going to kill Ceres. And she came back alive anyways. I lost someone I considered a friend, I told him he could die and no one would care because its Rep...but its not true. Not true at all.” Dakota looked at the wall with disgust. “I would've missed him you know. Regardless of his questionable fashion sense and shitty attitude...I could trust him to have my back...And I respected him. He was a sun, power offense whatever. I'm not that.”
“And I ******** that up because I chose to protect Ceres. It's like a ******** moot point to even think about it. You wanna know why though...Why I was so hell bent on protecting her?”
“Because it could happen to us...” He whispered, touching the sheath that held Chama on his hip. “We could become them. We would fuse like one of the monsters and be the next one on the list for a hit.”
Dakota covered his face.
“Could you imagine it. Fused, barely myself. Do I want friends to protect me when it happens?” Dakota whispered to Chama now, scared. A lost teenager with conflicting feels. “I want my friends to do everything they can before they kill me. To think of everything before they cut me down.”
“It's selfish. So selfish.” He let his head drop into his hands, “It's so selfish for me to expect Clerise, Wilson, Molly, Marcus, Eva...Rep, Harrison....Ryan or Otto to break orders like I did, because we're friends. Because we're bonded to each other after being on this ******** island for so long.”
Dakota laughed. “I told Rep hurtful things, to push him away because when he did the excact oppisite of what I wanted, I was scared. Scared that one day, If I turned into the monsters Ceres and Bix were that he'd cut me down without any hesitation. Because orders.”
“And I laugh because that very thing I was scared of. Dying. It was what Caelius ended up ordering anyway. Public execution. And somewhere, when he mentioned volunteers, I selfishly wished someone else would help me.”
“Just how ******** selfish can I really be? Clerise or me? You know how many times I've told myself that she'd never die before me? That I'd do my goddamn best to protect her?” s**t s**t ********. “And she took my place. Instead of just fear, I felt relief. There was a bond that saved me, the one I was desperately clinging too.”
Those conflicting emotions kept coming back together. His need to protect, the confusion of being in a division where protection was key, where his orders were to defend! When he did just that, he was punished. And not only himself, but one of his closest friends. Someone he depened on, someone he cared about.
Someone he wanted to hide all his ugly from. Clerise saw more of Dakota's teenage side, She did. But did he show it all to her? He didn't tell her about Rep because it was his selfishness and ugliness, that dark part of him that hoarded all his feelings.
Even when she had been understanding, it was because she thought he was doing it for friends. How could he continue to lie about that? It had been for friends...but it had been for himself.
“What do I do now...”
“What if I can't...”
“I can't”
“It's not that easy...”
Forgive himself? Could he do that, move on and face what was to come next? Maybe he should. And he'd learn. Forgive, learn, use this as another stepping stone.
“What about my friends?”
He didn't smile but he told himself. On the road of forgiveness, first himself...then he would wait for others. Relief and hope and fear and selfish and anger mingled all together before depoisting in their own little corners. For now, Dakota would move on...and do what he did best.
Be a newer Dakota.
